The Vend-o-mat 9000

[Mao]

A fountain pen comes out of the Vend-o-Mat.

*inserts a coin*

[Slowtini]

A BRICK WALL OF TEXT COMES OUT OF THE MACHINE D:
You attempt to TL;DR, but fail! D:

*inserts fake coin*

[Darkdragon]

Counterfeit money comes out.

*Inserts coin*

[Slowtini]

You come out.

*inserts coin*

[Darkdragon]

A wrecking ball crane comes out and hits you unconscious.

*Inserts Coin*

[Slowtini]

Seven Priests, who are engulfed in fire, come out of the Vend-o-mat, and attempt to convert you to their faith.

*inserts coin*

[Janus Whitefurr]

A shimmer of golden particles come out of the Vend-O-Mat, followed by an oversized hammer that reduces you to light.

*inserts spice-coated coin*

[ShadesFox]

A thousand angry Latvians jump out of the machine and gnaw on your face.

*inserts an old coin*

[Janus Whitefurr]

A sheet of paper slides out, with a lot of complex writing on it signed by the Shadesvixen, something about individuality rights and a divorce.

*inserts coin*

[Slowtini]

A facehugger jumps out, and due to having horrible aim, latches onto your shoulder, where it just sort of sits there awkwardly.

*inserts coin*

[Darkdragon]

A writer's block hurls out at you!

*inserts heptagonal coin*

[Janus Whitefurr]

*pets the facehugger and trains it to facehug others on command.*

A fragment of wood flies out of the Vendo-O-Mat and embeds itself painfully into your flesh. You now have a literal chip on your shoulder!

*inserts coin*

[Darkdragon]

The horseman and the three pedestrians of the apocalypse come out and reek havoc upon the world as you know it. As if we needed more incentive...

*Inserts sixpence coin*

[LionHeart]

A pocket-sized bag of rye comes out.

*inserts coin*

[Janus Whitefurr]

A heart shaped bottle pops out of the Vend-O-Mat, labelled "To: Lion" with "One Dose Of Courage" in smaller print underneath.

*flips coin in the air, then inserts into machine.*

[Darkdragon]

A paragator comes out. Perhaps you should feed it?

*Shoots coin into Vend-O-Mat 9000 from ten paces*

[Mao]

A bullet exits the Vend-O-Mat 9000 at high velocity.

*inserts a coin into the Vend-O-Mat 9000*

[Ren Gaulen]

The Vend-O-Mat produces a bottle of ABSOLUT HERESY.

*inserts coin*

[Mao]

The Vend-O-Mat produces a bottle of PARTIAL HEARSAY.

*inserts a coin*

[Jairus]

The Vend-o-mat produces a Heresy Cocktail.

*inserts coin*

[Slowtini]

The Vend-o-mat ejects Sixteen Gallons of Choclat Heresyrup.

*inserts six dollars*

[Janus Whitefurr]

Six Imperial Commissar hats are catapulted from the Vend-O-Mat, combining together to form CAPTAIN COMMISSAR, because the HERESY is YOURS!

*shifty eyes, and sneaks a coin into the Vend-O-Mat*

[ShadesFox]

Five bankers leap out of the machine, each one yells out their specialty to form
Captain Credit!

*chews on a coin and puts it in*

[Janus Whitefurr]

A swarm of bodiless teeth emerge from the Vend-O-Mat and start chewing at your ankles. Teeth! TEETH! They're biters! D:

*stuffs the Captain Credit pastiche into the machine as a coin*

[ShadesFox]

Led Zeppelin leaps out of the Vend-O-Mat and use fanda as guitar picks.

*starts stuffing teeth in the Vend-O-Mat after Captain Credit*

[Slowtini]

A horribly written theme song comes out of the Vend-O-Mat, proceeds to stalk you, and plays at the most inopportune times.

*inserts battery*

[Ren Gaulen]

A brain flies out at a very high speed, barely missing you, and vanishes in the distance.

*inserts coin*

[Jairus]

The Discworld Tooth Fairy emerges. Since the Tooth Fairy is in fact the first Bogeyman, she immediately figures out your worst fear and frightens you to death.

*inserts an Ankh-Morpork dollar coin into the machine*

[Janus Whitefurr]

CMOT Dibbler emerges from the Vend-O-Mat, holding random items from its interior, and offers to sell them to you for a low low price, and that's cuttin' me own throat.

*inserts a coin crafted from a random gemstone*

[Ren Gaulen]

A gigantic drill bursts out of the Vend-O-Mat, followed by an equally gigantic red robot engulfed in green light. You feel that the robot is looking at you.

*inserts coin*