[Story] Chronicles of Jakob Pettersohn (01/Jun/08 - Final chapter)

[Tapewolf]

chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4, chapter 5

chapter 6, chapter 7, chapter 8, chapter 9, chapter 10

chapter 11, chapter 12, chapter 13, chapter 14, chapter 15

chapter 16, chapter 17, chapter 18, chapter 19, chapter 20

chapter 21, chapter 22, chapter 23, chapter 24, chapter 25

chapter 26, chapter 27, chapter 28, chapter 29, chapter 30

Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35

Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38,, Chapter 39

For the first chapter, read on.

Note - the series has now concluded.  Chronologically, the next in the series is Gareeku's Furrae Chronicles story.
You may also be interested to know that the series is being re-run on Deviant Art, with a number of updates and plot-hole fixes.  http://tapewolf.deviantart.com

See also the futuristic sequel, The Future History of Jakob Pettersohn

**END EDIT**



Okay, here we go.  I was hoping to wait until I'd written at least three chapters, but what the hell.

Couple of points first - I don't do this much, and most of what I have written was edited and improved by Gareeku in the Furrae Chronicles, so this may feel a little rough by comparison.  Suggestions are welcome.
There's a few rough edges to it - Chapter 1 is first person, and Chapter 2 is third person, but I'll sort something out.  Most likely I'll convert chapter 2.

Anyway, this is a tale of the early adulthood for Jakob Pettersohn, a wolf incubus.  It is set about 875 years before the events of DMFA.



Chapter 1


My father was Petter Josefsohn.  He disappeared when I was about five.  Dead, my mother told me, but she would never talk about it.  In other respects my life was not unusual.. I grew up on a small family-owned farm in the middle of a forest.  We would often make journeys into the nearby town to sell our spare produce and visit the church - something my mother, Dulcinia, insisted we do every week although I can't say I really enjoyed it.

My brother and I were encouraged to learn to read so that we could benefit from the collection of books my father had amassed.  Many of these dealt with magic, and my brother and I quickly discovered we were quite adept at it.

Eventually, my brother left home to study in one of the nearby cities, while I stayed on to help run the farm.  I was happy enough, at least to begin with.  But when I turned 26, my life took a sudden change for the worse.

After a particularly moving service at church one day, I developed a series of chronic headaches, much to my mother's distress and mine as well.  From her reactions, I began to suspect that my father had died of a brain sickness and that I would soon follow.  Nonetheless, with my brother studying and my father dead, it fell to me to help her manage the farm and I was determined to do so for as long as I was able.

One night I had a dream which ended with my being shot in the back of the head by a band of murderers.  I awoke with a scream but the pain was real, although it faded quite quickly.  Feeling the back of my head, where the crossbow bolts would have entered my brain, I discovered a small pair of feathered wings.
Hearing my cries, my mother entered the room and found me like this, sitting half-naked before the mirror, and she began sobbing anew.  I just sat there, staring at my reflection in shock, convinced that it was a hallucination caused by my dying brain.

When the following morning I awoke, the little wings were still there, minute copies of the ones I had always had on my back, and I began to accept that they were real.  My mother however was in no fit state to tell me what this meant although she seemed to have realised that the time had come to explain the manner of my father's demise.

That evening I went into the forest to gather firewood, shivering at the eerie feeling as the breeze ruffled the new feathers upon my head.  As I was about to leave, I was suddenly attacked by a group of shadowed figures.

For a while I was convinced that the dream of my murder had been a premonition, and so I fought back like one possessed.  Fireballs and other offensive spells whizzed through the air damaging trees and scorching the earth.  Whatever else happened, I had made up my mind that I was going to leave evidence of my struggle so my mother might know what had happened.  Finally a tall, shadowed canine figure came out of the woods and caught me with a stun spell.
I suddenly remembered the beating my mother had given Izak for casting one on me years ago, just before everything went black.

* * *

I awoke to find myself back in bed.  Taking stock of my last memories I knew it was no dream because there was a burn on my left arm from the battle in the forest, now bandaged.  Wandering out of my room to try and find my mother, I noted that although it was around noon, all the windows were shut.

She wasn't in the house.  Perhaps she'd gone to fetch a doctor or something.  I opened one of the shutters and my stomach turned cold.  Out of the window was not the familiar scene of our quiet farm in the forest, but a long drop onto flagstones.  The house was at least five stories in the air.

Trying the front door, I opened it to find that it now lead onto a landing - it seemed that my house was now inside an apartment block.  Most interesting.
Now I had seen these before, as my brother was living in one.  Generally they were only found in the largest cities as it took a great deal of magic to pump the water and coal gas.  As a rule I never really liked cities myself, but I could definitely see the advantages.  For one, coal gas was so much more convenient to cook with than the wood-fired range we had back at home.

Looking around the house again I noticed a number of rather odd things... my mother's bed, for instance, had never been slept in.  The decor on the walls was new and untarnished, and only some of my possessions were actually here.  It became pretty obvious that this was not my house at all, but a cleverly-built replica of it.
Studying the range I found that like the rest of the house, it was only superficially similar to the original.  It was in actual fact gas-fired... whoever had done this obviously intended me to live here for quite some time.

The initial shock had worn off, but I was naturally rather concerned.  Where was I?  Who had brought me here?  What did they want with me and why had they put so much effort into getting it?  Suddenly I remembered that the shadowy figure had had wings on her head too - so had her minions come to that.  But what did it all mean?

I left the apartment to try and get some answers, but I didn't get far.  There was not a soul around... the other apartments were empty although one of them was filled with preserved food, apparently intended for my use.  On the landing was a bin marked with my flat number.  I ignored this, and heading down the stairs gave a sudden yelp of pain - it felt exactly like I'd walked into a brick wall.
Rubbing my injured muzzle, I prodded the air before me tentatively, and found it solid and unyielding.  Looking up at the ceiling, I noticed a faintly glowing rune.. apparently a ward to prevent me leaving.

My mind was starting to sag now.. too many strange things had hit me all at once and I was rapidly beginning to lose my grip on reality.  As a compromise I decided to treat it like the headwings... sleep on it and hope that everything would revert to normal when I woke - perhaps I was really still lying in the forest in some kind of concussion.

Unfortunately I was not.

Over the next few days I ate, slept, read and waited patiently for someone to arrive and explain what they wanted.  Sadly this never happened.  Often I heard noises in the night, and several times I saw nervous Beings, sent to replenish the food stocks and keep the other apartments clean.
As soon as they saw me they would run to the stairs, which they were permitted to enter even though I was not.  One day I decided to set a trap and managed to chase the man into a tripwire which I had set around the other side of the block.
Yet even when I'd caught him, he remained mute no matter how I pleaded or threatened him.  Eventually a stun spell took me from behind and when I came to, he was gone.


Realising I was trapped, I began a frantic series of escape attempts.  I began with fairly simple tricks, a ropeladder made from bedsheets for example, or climbing out of the window and around the outside of the building to reach the fire-escape.  Each time I was caught by a stun spell and awoke on my bed once more.

As time went by my attempts became ever more elaborate.  On one occasion I even dug through the floor into the rooms beneath.  Getting off that floor of the building wasn't exactly easy, but on the other hand it wasn't the worst problem either.

Once I got out, I had to evade the guards or else I'd soon find myself stunned again and waking up in bed with a throbbing head.  This happened many, many times and although they always caught me in the end, it did allow me to explore somewhat and build a map of the complex in my head.
It was a shame my mother had confiscated the book Izak had learned 'stun' from - I'd never had time to get the hang of it myself.  More importantly, the book might well have had a counter-spell.

After five or six months, I finally decided it was time for drastic action.

Acting casually I visited one of the other apartments, and examined the stove.  As I turned to go, my hand brushed one of the controls as I left, surreptitiously turning on the gas.  Shutting the door behind me, I walked back down the corridor, and sat lazily by one of the walls.   Five minutes later, I spun round and ignited it with a fireball spell, ducking behind the corridor to shield myself.
It blew the room clean out the side of the building and brought the floors above crashing down on top of it.

In the chaos that ensued I was able to slip past the guards, but even that didn't help so much.  I had no real idea where I was, and the grounds of the complex, extensive though they were, were isolated by some kind of magical barrier, something more powerful than a ward.  I remained free for about three days before a shadowy figure appeared on the edge of my campfire, dressed all in pink and with white wings upon her back and head.
I immediately realised that it was the same person who had stunned me that evening in the forest all those months ago.  She was in fact none other than Fa'lina, the much-feared headmistress of the S&I Academy, known to most as 'SAIA', although I didn't know this at the time.

At length Fa'lina told me that she was rather impressed by my efforts.  As a matter of fact I had actually done something that she had not foreseen, a rare thing indeed.
Getting straight to the point, she offered me the chance to hone my skills at her academy of magic.  I declined.  Why should I trust someone who had imprisoned me for half a year, after all?  But she had foreseen that reply.

It was then that she told me what I had been wondering ever since that night we first met.  The wings upon my back.. the magical skills.. these were all signs of something that Izak and I would have recognised had we only known what it meant.
We were not, as we had guessed, some rare hybrid of wolf and phoenix.. we were demons, and the wings upon my head were the the mark of an incubus.

How clearly I remember that feeling.. I guess we all do, those of us who were never told of our heritage.  So many fantastic possibilities were suddenly opened up before me.
I could stay young for nearly three thousand years... or longer still if I was willing to pay the price.  I would never need to sleep or eat again, being able to feed myself instead on the emotions of nearby Beings.  Indeed, I had been feeding unknowingly upon the emotions of the church congregations and it was that accumulation of energy which had resulted in my headwings - all 'cubi grew these when their store of surplus energy reached a certain level*.

I would also be able to change my shape and disguise myself as anyone I wished, read minds, enter other people's dreams and, if I so desired, steal souls.
These possibilities excited me, yet my enthusiasm was still tempered by the way she had treated me.  I was not yet convinced and I told her that I would learn all these things by myself, in my own time.

Fa'lina had apparently foreseen this too as she changed tactic yet again.  She warned me that the world was not yet safe for our kind, that too many Beings hated and feared us for our powers, that they believed we lived only to eat their souls and that they would try to hunt us and kill us.
Furthermore she explained that her Academy was one of the few places where a young Creature would be safe from adventurers.  While this was reasonable enough, the way it was told sounded far too much like patter to me.

"Very well," she said, "I foresaw this might happen.  If I cannot convince you myself, let me introduce you to someone who can."

As I stood there, Fa'lina beckoned to someone I hadn't noticed and a handsome wolf incubus who had been lurking in the darkness strode out into the light of my campfire.  He looked very, very familiar.

"Izak..?"  I asked, astonished.
"No," he replied with a grin.  "Close enough, though.  It's been a long time, Yak.  Last time we met, you called me 'Daddy!'"

Fa'lina had kidnapped him as soon as his own headwings had blossomed.  He didn't look a day older than me.


*Incubi and succubi develop a pair of wings on the back of their head as they reach adulthood.  It is rumoured that by gaining a sufficiently large amount of power they may gain a third pair of wings, but no credible witnesses have ever been able to confirm this.

[Netami]

Nice! 

Thanks for including the date reference.

[Paladin Sheppard]

Looks good sofar JP.

[Tapewolf]

Looks good sofar JP.

Thanks.  The basic concept came from a comment of Zedd's in the 'Father's Day' thread... it made me wonder what might happen if a 'cubi is dragged off to SAIA when they already have kids.  I very nearly asked Amber, but then decided it might make a good short story.
I must admit the apartment sequence was somewhat inspired by The Prisoner, but I'm sure you recognised it anyway

Chapter 2 is only about half as long, and doesn't really have a good hook yet.  But I'll work on it and publish when it's ready.

**EDIT** - made a few slight changes to tighten it up, and explain why Jakob can't use the stun spells.

[Suwako]

Enjoyable story  Nice job.

[Aldoun]

A good read, if the following chapters are even nearly as good this'll most certainly be worth following.

[Lysander]

Sure Fa'Lina probaly has good enough intentions, but just taking someone one away isn't the best way to gain trust.
Looks good so far. If it were in third person, like chapter 2 would be, it seems like it would read similar to a book I'm going through (one of the few I'd ever be willing to read).

[Hilary]

Very enjoyable first chapters. That's totally like Fa'lina... tactless. But let's look on the bright side-- at least Jakob's wings haven't tried to make him coffee yet.

[James StarRunner]

Oh! Got some insight on your character now! Oh, and good work!

[Tapewolf]

Chapter 2

I had been at SAIA for about two years when I was suddenly called to the headmistress's office.  Naturally I was rather nervous, since as far as I was aware there was nothing I had done wrong, but Fa'Lina could be unpredictable so there was no telling.

"Come in, Jakob.  Sit down," she said, offering a tray of 'plan B'*.  "How are you settling in at SAIA?" she asked.
"Quite well, I think," I replied, "although I obviously have a long way to go yet." I paused, wondering how best to ask the question.

"Fa'Lina," I said, nervously at first but slowly gaining confidence, "when you came to take me to SAIA, you did so by force.  Why was that?  At first, I assumed that everyone was taken in that manner, but I now know that isn't the case.  That is, if you don't mind my asking.."

"That's not a problem, Jakob," she said. "Questions are the only way to learn, after all.  You are quite right.. most of my students apply of their own free will, having already been told what they are and what the academy can offer them by their parents.

"With orphans, or other cases where a 'cubi's parents can't or won't tell them it is a lot harder.  Some of my pupils still believe they are Beings at the point where I or my deputies intercept them.  It's not the first time when a student of mine has simply vanished and been presumed murdered by bandits or demons.

"Before you say it, I'm well aware it's my fault your father couldn't fill you in on your destiny, but I had assumed your mother would be able to do so in his stead.  I had not seriously considered the possibility that she might withdraw into herself like that.  As you may know, my powers of prescience are considerably stronger within the Academy than they are outside of it."

"And the apartment you trapped me in for half a year?" I asked, somewhat pointedly.
"It was an experiment," Fa'Lina said. "I was looking at new ways to deal with students who do not know their heritage.  And to be brutally honest, I found it amusing to watch you try and escape.  One of the things I was going to do was gradually reduce your food supply to wean you onto the emotions of Beings and 'cubi placed in the other floors, but you demolished half the building before I could do that." She chuckled slightly.

"Needless to say, I won't be trying that experiment again any time soon.  But anyway, that's not why I sent for you.
As you may be aware, your brother is finally ready to join you and your father."
"Izak!?!  He's here??", I blurted, near-incoherent in my eagerness.
"Yes.  Your father, though only 54, has gained sufficient skill in concealment to extract your brother.  So I sent him to the University at Ka'Ryep where your brother has just graduated.  Since Petter is due to be tested himself on this course, I decided to send his examiner along with him and make it a practical exam.  I am pleased to tell you that he has passed."

"Typical," I said with a wry grin.  "Izak always was the lucky one.  I bet he doesn't have to be imprisoned for five-and-a-half months!"
"No," said Fa'Lina, looking more serious, "but don't think your brother had an easy ride.  Unlike you, living as you did in the middle of a forest and only occasionally going to market or church, Izak lived in a city, remember.  The Beings there had started to realise that he was an Incubus.  His mark+ had just appeared, you see, and they were about to kill him.  I think we pulled him out just in time."

"May I see him?" I asked.
"Indeed.  Fi?" she said, and her small, black Warp-Aci teleported us to another part of the complex.  Showoff, I thought, since we had only actually gone about thirty metres down the corridor.  To my embarrassment I heard Fa'Lina sniggering softly to herself, as I was still too inexperienced to shield my thoughts from her at that stage.  "Don't worry, it will come soon enough." she said.  "Are you ready to go in?"

We opened the door, and I saw Izak, half-standing, evidently startled out of his chair by our opening the door.  It was something of a shock to see the normally calm and self-assured Izak like this.  His eyes had a haunted look that told of disbelief and betrayal by those he thought were his friends, and a copious amount of blood had matted the fur all down his left arm.  My father was still busy healing him.

The intricate design of our clan marking almost shone on his right wrist, and he would occasionally glance at it with a mixture of awe and horror.  Mine was on my left thigh, where it was not usually noticeable by others.

Suddenly his eyes locked on mine, and I realised with a start that at least some of Izak's terror was caused by me.  "Jakob..?" he croaked, "Your head! What have they done to you..?"
I didn't understand what he meant at first, having grown accustomed by now to my headwings, until I suddenly noticed that my father had concealed his, and Izak didn't seem to have any.

"Don't worry, Izak," I told him.  "I'm fine, I promise.  Fa'Lina, why doesn't Izak have any headwings?  I had mine by that age."
"It depends on the individual, Jakob." she replied in a subdued voice, and I could see that Izak's plight had pierced her usually frivolous demeanor.  This truly was why she had founded the school, to protect young 'cubi from those who tried to destroy what they didn't understand.

"Sometimes the wings appear before the clan marking," she continued, "sometimes afterwards.  They are a physical manifestation of a 'cubi's reserves of magical power, and the more active a spellcaster the 'cubi is, the more power they will use and the longer it will take for their reserves to reach the point where the wings can manifest themselves.

"In such times as we have to take a 'cubi into the academy before their headwings have unfurled, it doesn't usually take long for this to happen.  And I sense that he is quite close to that point already."

"'Cubi?" said Izak, despair evident in his voice, "you mean what they said was true?  I really am a monster?"  My father paused from his task and spoke up.  "Calm down, Zak," he said.  "Yes, it's true that we are demons.  But you always were a demon, even if you didn't know it before.  It doesn't mean that you've changed.  Besides, being born a demon won't make you a monster by itself - that can only happen if you consciously choose to be a monster.  And believe me, enough Beings have gone down that road themselves."

"Petter is right," said Fa'Lina.  "There is more to being a 'cubi than evil deeds.  We feed on a wide range of emotions.  There are clans who specialise in joy, amazement, and so forth.  Many become actors, feeding off the emotion their performances induce in the audience.  Jakob drew his power from Church services.  There are other types of course, and you will learn about these in due time."
I noted that she had carefully omitted the fact that many 'cubi were sick bastards who fed by killing Beings for their pain and terror and maybe stealing their souls into the bargain as well, but I wasn't about to bring this up either, at least, not until Izak had recovered from his ordeal.  Even then it would have to be done gently.

"And now, we must decide what to do with Izak." Izak stiffened at Fa'Lina's words.  "Your father is somewhat busy with his courses, I'm afraid, so I think it would be best if it fell to you, Jakob, to act as mentor to your brother and show him around, at least until he gets his feet.  That is, assuming neither of you object."  Izak seemed very relieved.

"Good!  I shall arrange a room for Izak close to yours, Jakob.  And now, if  you will come to my office, I'd like a quick word while Petter finishes off your brother's wounds."  I gave a brief wave to Izak and Petter, and Fi took us back to her office.

"There is something else I need to tell you, Jakob." she said, and something in her voice told me that it wasn't going to be easy.
"Is it about my mother?" I asked with an air of dread.  I hadn't seen her since my arrival at SAIA, and I had been feeling guilty that I hadn't tried to contact her.
"Yes.  I'm afraid she has died recently.  The shock of losing both her husband and eldest son was more than she could bear."
"What?!?" I said, not wanting to believe I was hearing.
"This will sound harsh, Jakob, but try to forget her.  She was only a Being.  She would have been dead anyway long before your course ended."

I could feel my lips curling and the hackles on my back rose.  "She was my MOTHER!" I screamed.  "She may have been mortal, but she brought me up!  She had to be both mother and father to two children, and all because of your doings!"  A part of my brain dimly wondered if I had pushed Fa'Lina over the edge, but by that point I didn't really care.  Fa'Lina however, looked at me, a faintly dreamy expression colouring her typically supernatural patience.

"Delicious," she said.  "I haven't felt such rage in this office for many a year.  But anyway.  Although I am indeed to blame for your father's disappearance, have you ever stopped to wonder why he never returned to reassure your family that he was alright?"  I looked at her, rage replaced by a mixture of sorrow and betrayal.

"I'm sorry, Jakob, I really am, but the world outside is just too dangerous for us right now.  That's why I founded the Academy, to help protect our young from adventurers.  If I had let Petter or you go galavanting off on some wild expedition to see your mother, the chances are very good that you would be killed, and I would have lost a promising student.  Look what happened to Izak, and he didn't even have headwings.

"In these times I don't usually allow my students to leave the academy until they are sufficiently skilled in illusion and concealment.  That can take up to thirty years, depending on the pupil.  Your father has only just attained that degree of skill, and as is so often the case, your mother did not live long enough to see her husband return.  Perhaps in future centuries Beings will become more tolerant of our kind and I will be able to lift these restrictions, but if it happens it will be long after you have left.

"But such is the world in which we live.  I really am truly sorry." I found I was sobbing gently.   "I can't do anything for her, " Fa'Lina added, "but I can ease your pain." so saying, she touched the side of my head, and my sorrow receded to a dull ache.

"But why didn't he write?" I asked.
"Petter doesn't have a warp-aci," she replied.  "It takes some skill to trap them.  I also get the impression he considers them to be something for girls.  I have had this conversation with him as well this morning, and similar conversations with most of my pupils at some point.  It's a sad fact of life for those who had mortal parents.  Be assured that your father is in mourning as well.  But when you think about it, your mother is probably quite angry with herself right now, realizing that her sons and husband are actually still alive, even if she isn't."

I found myself smiling at her words, and although the ache wasn't gone completely, I was near enough at peace.

"Good," said Fa'Lina with an approving smile.  "And now, I think it is time for you to return to Izak."


*'plan B' : muffins
+'Cubi have a distinctive marking which appears when their spellcasting ability matures.  They are unable to conceal it by shapeshifting and it is one of the few ways of identifying someone as a mature Incubus or Succubus.

[Lysander]

Still doin' good. Even in these parts with much talking, things still progress and stay interesting.

"And the apartment you trapped me in for half a year?" I asked, somewhat pointedly.  "It was an experiment.  I was looking at new ways to deal with students who do not know their heritage.  And to be brutally honest, I found it amusing to watch you try and escape.  One of the things I was going to do was gradually reduce your food supply to wean you onto the emotions of Beings and 'cubi placed in the other floors, but you demolished half the building before I could do that." She chuckled slightly.

A suggestion for places like the above: I was kinda confused and didn't fully realize Fa'lina was speaking until she said she was amused about Jakob trying to escape. Maybe either begin a new paragraph with the new speaker, or state that the new speaker is talking before the change.

[bill]

I am going to say something that my writing teacher always annoys me to hell about. Use less phrases like "Asked hopefully", or even "replied". It's always "Said", or "Asked". Very good story, by the way.

[Tapewolf]

Still doin' good. Even in these parts with much talking, things still progress and stay interesting.

A suggestion for places like the above: I was kinda confused and didn't fully realize Fa'lina was speaking until she said she was amused about Jakob trying to escape. Maybe either begin a new paragraph with the new speaker, or state that the new speaker is talking before the change.

Is that better?  I'll have to see about Bill's suggestion.. I'm worried it might thin the flavour out too much.  One of the things I was trying to avoid was "said", "said", "said" all over the place.  Too repetitive IMHO.  Of course you might be right - I haven't had an English class in about 15 years.

**EDIT**
Removed 'was was' from the beginning.

[Sid]

Hrm...
Just a few remarks about the content. I'm not familiar with most of the "fursona-insertions" (like Jakob, Gareeku and whoever else happens to run around through Gareeku's Chronicles - didn't read them [edit]also because of that reason, but mostly because I lacked the time to follow such a long and dedicated story, sadly enough - maybe later...[/edit]), so I noticed a few things others might be more forgiving about.

First of all, aside from the foreword/introduction, Jakob's species is apparently only mentioned once ("and a handsome wolf incubus strode out of the darkness"), and only indirectly and at the end of a chapter. Somewhat connected to it, I didn't notice any reference to Jakob's regular (back-)wings. Doesn't he have any? Maybe I just missed it, but the first reference to wings seems to be the headwing bit.

That's just one of the things that make this fic look a bit too much of an inside thing. Sure, it works for people who read DMFA, but things like Fa'Lina's "Plan B" are a bit far on the "inside joke" side. Yes, it can be argued how much should be explained, given that this is a DMFA-related fic. Just my thoughts on this.

Semi-related to this, I missed a few bits of interaction. Mostly when it came to Fa'Lina and Petter. The two-year time-jump sorta took that away. I understand that, like Abel's Story, you will have to skip years a lot, but it still left me a bit hanging when you went from "shocked and confused" to "settled in".

<nitpick>
One thing about the style, coming from a site I once browsed because I once also considered writing a first-person fic:

The trick is to eliminate most of those nasty "I" words that sneak into your prose unnoticed. Just because the story is being told in first person, does not forgive starting every (or every other) sentence with "I". The alternatives are endless.

Each time you start a sentence with "I", cross it out in red, circle it, or underline it. Do this every time "I" appears on the page. You will quickly tire of this no-win game. (Here's your new mantra: nasty, nasty, nasty!)

</nitpick>

Okay, crap. I only listed nitpicks and stuff like that. Please don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed reading the two chapters and I might very well read the following ones. They're well-written, and it's quite interesting to see your take on the DMFA setting and characters like Fa'Lina. Just because I'm not the type of guy who fills three paragraphs with repetitive praise doesn't mean that this fic isn't praise-worthy. 'cuz, you know... it is. A lot Please keep it up!

The following stuff is mostly "in general" rambling and does not directly apply to or criticize the fic.

About the "Only say or ask" issue... megh. I'm somewhat split there. On the one hand, it always feels odd when an author goes through the entire thesaurus (When I have to actually consult a dictionary to find out what's going on, the fun ends.) but overuse of ONLY those two words should be avoided. This is not a police report, so we can afford a certain trade-off between style and pure efficiency. This especially applies since the simple "say" (without adverbs or other qualifiers) is not always sufficient to cover the entire spectrum of expressions (IMHO). In a regular conversation (without mood shifts or stuff like that), "say" can be enough. Just keep in mind that these constructs often have the single purpose of identifying the speaker. And that can be done by other (often subtle) means, too. So it's possible to mostly use "say" without becoming overly repetitive.

Related to the issue of "verb + adverb": I'm not a major fan of wordiness or flowery language, but adverbs have their place, even though many "verb + adverb" combinations can (and should) be replaced by a single, strong verb. So "walk nervously" could become "pace", "go quickly" could become "run", and so on. So "asked hopefully" would be perfectly valid unless you know a better strong verb. It identifies the speaker and gives more information on the way the question was asked. (Applying to the fic, I would question it, though. Mostly because Fa'Lina's starting mood seems to imply that she is about to talk about something non-positive. So asking her if it's about my mother would fill me with dread, not hope.)

Disclaimer: I have not visited any writing classes. In fact, English isn't even my native language. So I hardly qualify as an expert to say the least. The above stuff is mostly my opinion, laced with things taken from books and websites. My sources (and I) can of course be wrong, so don't slap an authority on the field of writing because "Sid said this and that", okay?

Website quoted: Fiction Factor - Me, Myself and I - Writing First Person Point of View

[Tapewolf]

First of all, aside from the foreword/introduction, Jakob's species is apparently only mentioned once ("and a handsome wolf incubus strode out of the darkness"), and only indirectly and at the end of a chapter. Somewhat connected to it, I didn't notice any reference to Jakob's regular (back-)wings. Doesn't he have any? Maybe I just missed it, but the first reference to wings seems to be the headwing bit.

Yes, I'm aware of this.  I've actually been writing a proper introduction in an effort to make it work standalone.  You're dead on with the backwings, though.  That's covered in the full intro as well, but the problem with inserting it into the text is that I'm not completely sure how I'd make Jakob explain what he is.  In the original version he was actually reminiscing with someone, and they would be able to see his species and race at a glance.  (Also, there's a picture of him in my signature.)

That's just one of the things that make this fic look a bit too much of an inside thing. Sure, it works for people who read DMFA, but things like Fa'Lina's "Plan B" are a bit far on the "inside joke" side. Yes, it can be argued how much should be explained, given that this is a DMFA-related fic. Just my thoughts on this.

Agreed.  I was bloody sick of people saying 'and she offered a tray of muffins' all over the place.  If I re-edit this to work standalone, that's one of the things I'll remove.

Semi-related to this, I missed a few bits of interaction. Mostly when it came to Fa'Lina and Petter. The two-year time-jump sorta took that away. I understand that, like Abel's Story, you will have to skip years a lot, but it still left me a bit hanging when you went from "shocked and confused" to "settled in".

Two reasons - (A) I'm not sure what happened in the interim myself, and (B) Two years is insignificant in 'cubi timescales - an impression I've been trying to create in the text.

<nitpick>
One thing about the style, coming from a site I once browsed because I once also considered writing a first-person fic:

The trick is to eliminate most of those nasty "I" words that sneak into your prose unnoticed. Just because the story is being told in first person, does not forgive starting every (or every other) sentence with "I". The alternatives are endless.

</nitpick>

You haven't explained the benefit of doing this >:-)  What advantage is gained from that much re-engineering?  Anyway, I wanted to write third-person originally, but I wasn't sure it would work with the first chapter.  The second one was easy to convert, but it ended up as mostly dialogues anyway.

Related to the issue of "verb + adverb": I'm not a major fan of wordiness or flowery language, but adverbs have their place

Well I am a fan of wordiness and flowery language.  I've used this writing style for the past 8 years on some extremely popular walkthroughs and I'm not about to pack it in now   OTOH, I pity the guy who wanted to translate them into Polish 

(Applying to the fic, I would question it, though. Mostly because Fa'Lina's starting mood seems to imply that she is about to talk about something non-positive. So asking her if it's about my mother would fill me with dread, not hope.)

Yes, this bit was merged in from an earlier take.  That's a problem and I'll fix it.

**EDIT**
Fixed: use of 'of course' and 'due course' in the same sentence
Fixed: Mood mismatch when Fa'Lina starts to tell Jakob that Dulcinia is dead
Added: footnote about 'plan B'
Added: Description of Fi, mentioned that Fi teleports people rather than just guiding them
Added: footnote about 'cubi markings

[Sid]

(Argh... Quote box overkill... )

[Species and wings not mentioned]

Yes, I'm aware of this.  I've actually been writing a proper introduction in an effort to make it work standalone.  You're dead on with the backwings, though.  That's covered in the full intro as well, but the problem with inserting it into the text is that I'm not completely sure how I'd make Jakob explain what he is.  In the original version he was actually reminiscing with someone, and they would be able to see his species and race at a glance.  (Also, there's a picture of him in my signature.)

Yeah, it's one of those occasions where I of course know what you mean ("Cubi have backwings by default"), but the story doesn't say so. I decided to be mean and only factored in what was said in the story itself

[Fa'Lina's Plan B]

Agreed.  I was bloody sick of people saying 'and she offered a tray of muffins' all over the place.  If I re-edit this to work standalone, that's one of the things I'll remove.

I know, it's hard to work around stuff like that when the action is something every author mentions. Kudos for trying to dodge the stereotypical phrase

<nitpick>
One thing about the style, coming from a site I once browsed because I once also considered writing a first-person fic:

The trick is to eliminate most of those nasty "I" words that sneak into your prose unnoticed. Just because the story is being told in first person, does not forgive starting every (or every other) sentence with "I". The alternatives are endless.

</nitpick>

You haven't explained the benefit of doing this >:-)  What advantage is gained from that much re-engineering?

The same advantage that is gained when you transfer this advice to the third person. This rule is actually a given thing when you transfer it to the third person, but I guess it happens a lot easier with the first person for some reason.
One of the things that often bugs me in third-person fics is that many authors use the "He/She/It [verb]" starting combo to the point of me closing the browser. Like... *switches on his senseless-writing gear*

He nodded in agreement. He took a screwdriver out of his toolbox and walked over to the car. He lifted the hood and frowned. He instantly noticed that the motor was missing. "What the?" he asked himself. He walked over to the phone and called his friend.

(My IQ just dropped by a few points, I hope you're happy now.)
(Yes, I have seen fics like that.)
I mentioned it mostly as a reminder since there are few ways to disguise the "I [verb]" starting combo, so every use of it sorta stands out (especially when a few paragraphs begin with it). Going back through it, there were a few occasions where the "I [verb]" could have been avoided, but I wouldn't classify it as something you have to change in the existing chapters (unless you really feel like it). Hence the lack of quotes where you supposedly broke this.

Related to the issue of "verb + adverb": I'm not a major fan of wordiness or flowery language, but adverbs have their place

Well I am a fan of wordiness and flowery language.

I can easily live with your style, actually. Both here and in your walkthroughs. With "flowery", I meant things of the caliber of "use four paragraphs to describe a room before anything actually happens". I enjoy a fic where stuff happens, and I enjoy descriptions where they make sense. As long as it doesn't disrupt the flow of a fic, I'm fine, personally.

My personal worst-case experience had been an action scene that suddenly paused as soon as the fight moved into another room and spent half a page or so to describe pretty much everything from the curtain color to the water level in the sink. It was like Bullet Time on drugs.

And for a case of "Flowery language and excessive use of descriptive words", check out "The Eye of Argon" (linked to its Wiki page since it supplies explanations and a link to the text)

[Hilary]

Great chapter once again, but you've fixed all the things I was going to nitpick about. So now this feels like mindless, non-constructive praise. Curses.

[Tapewolf]

(Argh... Quote box overkill... )

Want some more?  'course you do!

[Species and wings not mentioned]

Yes, I'm aware of this.  I've actually been writing a proper introduction in an effort to make it work standalone.

Yeah, it's one of those occasions where I of course know what you mean ("Cubi have backwings by default"), but the story doesn't say so. I decided to be mean and only factored in what was said in the story itself

WARNING:  This is considered alpha-quality and should not be used in production systems.

Jakob Pettersohn was a demon.  In fact, he still is on account of his immense lifespan compared to Beings such as you or I.
The fact that he was a demon did not mean that he had horns and a forked tail - in fact he had no horns at all and his tail was long and fluffy, but this was perfectly normal for a wolf, as was the fact that he walked upon two legs.  At least, this was considered normal where Jakob came from.

Less normal was the fact that he had a large pair of feathered wings sprouting from his shoulderblades.  This did not mean he could fly, since he had never tried to do so and the muscles were thin and underdeveloped, but it did mark him for a magical Creature and most Beings had a particular fear and hatred of Creatures.

This hatred was very much the case when Jakob was young, although in recent years attitudes have mellowed somewhat, and most Beings get along fine with most Creatures so long as they don't try to eat anyone.

Eating Beings wasn't something Jakob was interested in doing.  His main passion was Being technology, coming as he did from a background where Creatures generally used magic instead.  Eating the practitioners of said technology would not really be conducive to Jakob's learning about it, not that eating people would normally have occurred to him anyway.

As an incubus, Jakob had the ability to feed on ambient emotions generated by nearby Beings and Creatures, and therefore he didn't actually need to eat at all, although most 'cubi had a favourite food which they continued to eat for pleasure.  Not all Creatures could do this, it was peculiar to incubi and succubi, however it was their ability to devour or trap souls which caused 'cubi to be so feared.


And here come the quotes...

<nitpick>
One thing about the style, coming from a site I once browsed because I once also considered writing a first-person fic:

The trick is to eliminate most of those nasty "I" words that sneak into your prose unnoticed. Just because the story is being told in first person, does not forgive starting every (or every other) sentence with "I". The alternatives are endless.

</nitpick>

You haven't explained the benefit of doing this >:-)  What advantage is gained from that much re-engineering?

The same advantage that is gained when you transfer this advice to the third person. This rule is actually a given thing when you transfer it to the third person, but I guess it happens a lot easier with the first person for some reason.
One of the things that often bugs me in third-person fics is that many authors use the "He/She/It [verb]" starting combo to the point of me closing the browser. Like... *switches on his senseless-writing gear*

He nodded in agreement. He took a screwdriver out of his toolbox and walked over to the car. He lifted the hood and frowned. He instantly noticed that the motor was missing. "What the?" he asked himself. He walked over to the phone and called his friend.

(My IQ just dropped by a few points, I hope you're happy now.)

Agreed - that was gross. Looking back over chapter 1, I have done that a little excessively here and there.  I might fix parts of that, and I'll definitely look out for it in future.

My personal worst-case experience [of flowery language/overdescription] had been an action scene that suddenly paused as soon as the fight moved into another room and spent half a page or so to describe pretty much everything from the curtain color to the water level in the sink. It was like Bullet Time on drugs.

You're sure they weren't taking the piss?
A good case in point for overdescription is Titus Groan and Gormenghast, which run to 512 pages each, mostly of description.  It took me weeks to read them.  When the BBC serialised it around 2000, they managed to do both books in about 2 hours each, without cutting a single plot element or reducing the dialogue as far as I could tell.

And for a case of "Flowery language and excessive use of descriptive words", check out "The Eye of Argon" (linked to its Wiki page since it supplies explanations and a link to the text)

I'll have to read that, and the tutorial thing you linked to before.

[bill]

Oh dear, if you want to see bad writing, read some Ayn Rand. Damn smart, but couldn't write worth a damn.

[Sid]

WARNING:  This is considered alpha-quality and should not be used in production systems.
[snip]

Nice general foreword, actually. This (or something like it) would fit well for a standalone version

And here come the quotes...

D:

Looking back over chapter 1, I have done that a little excessively here and there.  I might fix parts of that, and I'll definitely look out for it in future.

Well, the first chapter had a lot of action and indirect speech. So the chance of something like that happening is of course larger. A bit more direct speech (like you did in the second chapter) does wonders there.

A good case in point for overdescription is Titus Groan and Gormenghast, which run to 512 pages each, mostly of description.  It took me weeks to read them.  When the BBC serialised it around 2000, they managed to both books in about 2 hours minutes each, without cutting a single plot element or reducing the dialogue as far as I could tell.

...um...
That's certainly impressive. Just not in a good way

[Gareeku]

*Envies JP's writing skills*

[Tapewolf]

*Envies JP's writing skills* D:

You're miles better at character interaction, though.  And fight scenes.

[Aldoun]

While I'm not heaping on as much constructive criticism as some here I do wish you to know that I like your work.

[GabrielsThoughts]

awesome stuff, good work.

[Lysander]

The changes do make things clearer than before, thus easier to read and more enjoyable. Those references at tha bottom are probably good too for people unfamiliar with DMFA.
Keep up the good work.

[Tapewolf]

Chapter 3

I graduated from the Succubus And Incubus Academy after about 375 years, having received a reasonably well-rounded education.
Fa'lina called me into her office the day before I left, asking me one last time if I would reconsider and stay to teach or do research as my father had done, but I declined.
"I've been cooped up in SAIA for nearly four hundred years, Fa'lina.  I'd like to see the outside world again."
"Very well," she sighed, "I see you mind is made up, but my offer still stands.  I shall give you a charm - if in time you should decide to return for further study or to help us out, it will allow you to return."

* * *

My first few days outside of SAIA were not pleasant.  I had grown too used to keeping the company of other Creatures, and as a consequence of this I foolishly allowed my headwings to reappear while relaxing in a tavern.

At first I didn't notice that the Beings were slowly edging away from me, for they had done so quite cleverly to avoid arousing my suspicion, and most of them had obscured their thoughts.  But when a feline huntsman burst in through the door wielding a crossbow and shouting "DEATH TO THE INCUBUS!", it became clear that something was amiss.

A crossbow is a very deadly thing - the shock alone can bring down a feral moose even if the wound itself is not directly fatal - so this was not a good situation to be in.  My hand snaked towards the charm, now fastened to a chain about my neck, but I quickly saw it was pointless.  In all likelihood the spell would take far too long and succeed only in bringing my murdered corpse back to SAIA, not quite the result Fa'lina had envisaged when she gave it to me.

Fortunately my reflexes and timing were still quite good - honed by the self-defence courses I had taken at the Academy - so as the huntsman reached to fire, I managed to dodge at the last moment, the bolt nicking my arm in a puff of grey fur.  This of course put the huntsman at a disadvantage since the crossbow would now have to be reloaded and this required time I had no intention of giving him.

With a snarl, I jumped forward, my backwings reappearing as I did so, accompanied by the canine-headed tentacles that were a hallmark of my clan.

I had an eerie feeling that Fa'lina was watching me through her powers of omniscience, and somehow her parting advice came back to me very clearly.
Remember, Jakob, we have only taught you to use your abilities.  By themselves they are neither good nor evil - it is how you see fit to use them which will determine what you are."

Lashing out, I morphed the tentacle-heads away, flattening and honing the ends to razor-sharp edges like living knives.  The hunter jumped back with an expression of shock on his face, but it wasn't his life I was after - it was the crossbow.  My tentacles sliced through the bowstring like butter, putting the device beyond immediate use and causing the remains of the string to whiplash back across his hand.  It may also be that I cost him a finger into the bargain, I was never quite sure.  Either way it could have been far worse for either of us.

"I came here for a drink," I snarled, both at him and the rat landlord who was now cowering behind the bar, "but if this is how you treat your patrons, then may you both rot in Hell.  I bid you good day!"
Turning around I felt the warm tension of a swordsman's concealed thoughts behind me, but a quick blow from a tentacle to the back of his knees sent him crashing to the floor.  I left the establishment with a flourish, this time making sure both sets of wings were properly hidden.

Unfortunately my problems did not end there, and I found myself having to flee.  Reports of a grey, lupine incubus on the hunt for souls spread quickly through the town and on more than one occasion I saw wolf-beings arrested or set upon by mobs.  I was disguised as an Alsatian of course, but it seemed that the Beings in this time and place were not aware that a 'cubi could change their appearance so thoroughly as we can, so I went unchallenged.
Nonetheless I travelled quickly, hoping that my innocent brethren would be able to prove that they were Beings and not incubi.

* * *

I spent much of that year wandering from town to town, earning my keep by performing various odd jobs and tinkering.  As the days shortened and the nights started to become chill, I wondered again whether I should perhaps have heeded Fa'lina and become a researcher or professor at the Academy.  Several times I found myself reaching for the chain around my neck, but each time I slapped my hand away.  I would brave the world outside SAIA for a little longer.

One day in mid October I found myself at gates the city of Ha'Khun, a large town situated in the valley beneath the fearsome slopes of the Black Mountains.  This proved to be a most fortuitous place to stay, since it was controlled by an angel and because of this, combined with his efforts to ensure the peace was kept, 'cubi and demons were free to live openly in the city so long as they did not cause any trouble themselves.

As it happened, I was in the vicinity of a new mill about which a certain amount of excitement was being made, so I decided to attend its opening.
It really was quite revolutionary - set on the bank of a fast-flowing river, it used the water to drive a large wheel which by means of a series of pulleys drove six large grinding stones.  I had seen some simple machinery and even built small waterwheels from palm leaves as a child, but I had never seen anything on this scale before, and I found it utterly fascinating.  I was not the only one - the wonder in the air was almost tangible, and it proved most welcome as I had been somewhat undernourished of late.

Up to this point, flour had to be milled by hand - typically by an army of workers armed with mortar and pestle, grinding each day for a meagre wage.  With machinery like this, the price of flour would drop through the floor.

"Think of it.. bread for everyone!" called out a voice belonging to an angel, a snow-leopard with long flowing hair and sumptuous purple robes.  He was in fact Page, the mysterious and charismatic patron of Ha'Khun.
"When this mill and others just like it are at full capacity," he continued, "we will be able to export bread in quantities unheard of!  It is as I have always maintained - science will bring us a new age of prosperity!"
There was a round of applause, but it was muted - many, including myself, were standing as if hypnotized by the sight of the machinery.

Suddenly one of the drive belts snapped, bringing me out of my reverie and causing the leopard's face to fall.  "There seem to be a few teething troubles to overcome before we get to that point, though.." he admitted.

As I stared at the broken belt and pulley arrangement, which had been used to transfer power around a corner, I began to design a more robust means of doing so in my head.  Suddenly, everything clicked into place.

"Your pardon, Mi'lord," I said to the angel, "but would it not be better if, instead of using belts, you had two wooden shafts at right-angles?  Perhaps with interlocking gears?"  I pulled out a piece of vellum and some charcoal and began to sketch my design.
"Furthermore," I added, "you could improve the efficiency of the mill by utilising gear ratios.."  As the leopard stared at my diagrams, his face suddenly bloomed into a wide smile and he led me away by the arm.

"Good sir, you probably have no idea how difficult it is to find people with the intuitive knack for machinery that my projects require.  Many of those who are both able and willing are, unfortunately, Beings which means I can get maybe forty years benefit of their experience, and spend maybe as long again finding a suitable replacement.
"This turnover has set back my plans by a century at least.. but a 'cubi such as yourself who is versed in such matters would be a most valuable asset to my projects, and indeed the city as a whole.  Pray tell me your name, and what I need offer in order to put your skills at my disposal?"

I named a modest sum.  He laughed.

"Jakob, I can offer you ten times that as your starting salary," he said, suddenly dropping his usual mannerism and talking to me as an equal.  "I'll throw in a room within my palace, and provide full access to whatever equipment you need.

"I know much that is hidden, my friend, secrets such as you would never have learned in SAIA.. sciences that make this mill seem like a child's toy.  If your work pleases me as much as I think it will, I shall share these with you.  Perhaps more besides.." he added, with a twinkle in his eye, as we shook hands.

It was a meeting which changed my life, for both good and ill...

[James StarRunner]

Is sure hope it doesn't take me 300+ years to graduate from college. It really makes you wonder how much a cubi knows.

[GabrielsThoughts]

what are the odds of say, Jacob having befriended Dr. Ink while at SAIA?

[Tapewolf]

what are the odds of say, Jacob having befriended Dr. Ink while at SAIA?

Well, Ink is about 7000 and Jakob was around 400 when he left, so I guess the real question is "What are the odds of Ink having befriended Jacob while at SAIA?"  Frankly, I don't see it myself - it's more likely to be something akin to Ink and Abel, i.e. respect rather than friendship.  Besides, Ink seems to be much more prone to violence than Jakob ever is, even counting the 'Johan Cross' affair.

Is sure hope it doesn't take me 300+ years to graduate from college. It really makes you wonder how much a cubi knows.

Indeed.  By my reckoning, Destania must have been at SAIA for the best part of a millenia.  On the other hand, some 'cubi seem to get out relatively early, but don't forget Aary's comment "Fa'lina, I'm not fifty anymore.. I don't need cute ways of getting a message delivered.." which implies to me that they generally think in rather different timescales to Beings.

[Lysander]

But when a feline huntsman burst in through the door wielding a crossbow and shouting "DEATH TO THE INCUBUS!", it became clear that something was amiss.

Heheh. That's great. Something about the way Jakob was thinking in that situation.

As it I happened, I was in the vicinity of a new mill about which a certain amount of excitement was being made,

The word "I" at the marked point appears to be a typo, in case you were wondering about such things. Other than that it looks great.