8/21/09 [PF #75] - Prelude to a flashback

Jairus · August 21, 2009, 06:24:45 PM

Why is there a tiny fairy-like thing on that chair there? And I don't think Jakob was expecting what Dork-boy said to him there.

I have to say, though, that the dialogue just doesn't quite work for me. Yak's speech sounds more like he's chastising a child for not cleaning their room, rather than reprimanding someone for killing someone else. Even if it was payback for a wrongful execution, it just feels off.

Gabi · August 21, 2009, 06:25:56 PM

That woulld be a Kimmy doll.

Tapewolf · August 21, 2009, 06:31:17 PM

Quote from: Jairus on August 21, 2009, 06:24:45 PM
I have to say, though, that the dialogue just doesn't quite work for me.

Yeah, that was a problem with the original script. I've tried to improve it, but it's still not quite up to scratch. However, we do revisit it in the next chapter.

Arguably part of the problem is that you're thinking of Jakob as a human and not a 1000-year old alien, but there you go...

As for the Kimmy cameo, that was requested at AC.

**EDIT**
The other factor which isn't obvious is that Jakob is able to feel what Dorcan is thinking and feeling. If he didn't think this way was going to work, he'd have used a different tactic.

Amber Williams · August 21, 2009, 06:40:18 PM

I think the dialogue issue is the panel dedicated to "I believe you". The expression makes him seem like he's said it with no emotion and no pause. For one of the fleshiest folks in that room, Jakob seems the most robotic.

Tapewolf · August 21, 2009, 06:46:18 PM

Quote from: Amber Williams on August 21, 2009, 06:40:18 PM
I think the dialogue issue is the panel dedicated to "I believe you". The expression makes him seem like he's said it with no emotion and no pause. For one of the fleshiest folks in that room, Jakob seems the most robotic.

Yeah. There's two issues here. Firstly, I have to admit I never was particularly happy with the way Jakob turned out in that panel but owing to various problems this page has been about a fortnight in the making and I was not thrilled by the idea of changing it. Though now you mention it I might consider using library art of Jakob.

The second issue is that the background was supposed to depict that Jakob is reading his thoughts. I put a shadow of Dorcan looking miserable and repentant against the wall display... and it's too dark to see.

Actually, I think I'll try fixing that. Back in a bit.

Tapewolf · August 21, 2009, 06:57:12 PM

Okay, see if that's better. I've modified Dorcan's reply and the backing of panel 5.
You will probably need to refresh the page in order to see it, as things tend to get cached easily with xepher.net.

**EDIT**
Okay, now Dorcan's reply is changed.

Tapewolf · August 21, 2009, 09:41:09 PM

Okay, quarter-to-three after a marathon debugging session. Bleh.
Anyway, I've substantially revised the dialogue again. I'd be interested to know if it passes muster now.

Gabi · August 21, 2009, 10:26:49 PM

I think it makes more sense now.

techmaster-glitch · August 21, 2009, 10:57:04 PM

I'm not seeing any new differences...and I did refresh the page.

Tapewolf · August 22, 2009, 05:22:11 AM

Quote from: techmaster-glitch on August 21, 2009, 10:57:04 PM
I'm not seeing any new differences...and I did refresh the page.

Panel 5 now has a smoky-grey background instead of the dark green data display. Jakob now says that he's going to have to detain Dorcan at the base for the time being to keep an eye on him. Dorcan no longer says "Cross my soul and hope to die.". I made a slight rewording of panel 3.

In other news, Kipiru is hoping to have the lineart ready for monday.

Tapewolf · August 28, 2009, 02:23:47 PM

Okay folks, Simeon has updated. The main comic will hopefully update later tonight but definitely by Saturday - even if I have to ink the last two panels myself from the sketches.

Mao · August 28, 2009, 02:58:22 PM

Dooo eeet!