a horrible DMFA pornfic...and a vocal reading thereof!(NSFW)

[icarus]

a really bad DMFA fic was shared with me today. a really, really bad porn fic. to prevent the original author from being lambasted publicly, i won't link to it...

but well, it was so bad, i just had to follow in the footsteps of many before me and do what i do best.

MAKE SILLY VOICES AND READ IT TO YOU.

YOU ARE ENCOURAGED TO LAMBAST. MY COMMENTARY IS MINIMAL. this is almost all the original fic. they are .wma files and about 9 minutes long each. the sound is a little hokey cause let's face it i wasn't going to go all testing 1-2-3 with my microphone for a REDICULOUS PORN FIC.


OBVIOUSLY, THIS FIC IS VERY VERY NOT WORK SAFE.

part 1, 'fae in heat'
part 2, 'sex in the hills'
part 3, 'nothing quite like public sex'

for those who missed the boat, I DID NOT WRITE THIS. I ONLY READ IT INTO A MICROPHONE 

(edity note: just added a NSFW thingie. Dont mind me.)

[Amber Williams]

The fanfic itself was sent to me via a reader in email, and it was so horribly done I had to share it with friends.  I won't link as well because I dont want to torment the original author, yet I dont want to show I support...however if you search around adultfanfiction.net you likely can find them if you are that desparate.

However, the commentaries are possibly the funniest things in the universe.  Despite the adult quality.  But if terrible DMFA porn fanfiction offends in anyway, dont click.

[lucas marcone]

it was so horrible i couldnt make it past 2 minutes of the first one! but it was funny though! though we have to wonder what icarus was doing at that site to begin with....

[Amber Williams]

I sent Icarus to the site.

[lucas marcone]

way to ruin a joke ms. williams.

[King Of Hearts]

I didnt heed the warning...

ow.

*picks up the pieces of his brain splattered all over the floor*

good for a laugh, though.

[Amber Williams]

way to ruin a joke ms. williams.

FOOL! I RUIN EVERYTHING!

[icarus]

i generally avoid fanfics of any type
I JUST WAIT FOR PEOPLE TO FIND THE WORST, AND SHARE.

and that is how i know there is snape/hagrid mpreg.

[Kasarn]

Lost Lake is clearly an underwear free zone.

Really, it reminds me of my own terrible porn that I wrote when I was 17... except that mine was probably worse.
I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW HOW IT WORKED EITHER... I guess I still don't

Dan's voice in part 2 was just... jsafbjhsakjfbckdslckbklvi
Also, in part 3, at 3m37s

[King Of Hearts]

and that is how i know there is snape/hagrid mpreg.

wait... what?

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

and that is how i know there is snape/hagrid mpreg.

wait... what?

Rule 34.

[Amber Williams]

Worst fic I ever stumbled across was a Candyland fanfiction. I was searching for Queen Frostine images when I found it.  About 2/3rds of it was a light-hearted adventure of the gingerbread men visiting various Candyland characters when suddenly near the end it spins into a snuff fiction where Lord Licorice killed the gingerbread men, King Candy, Queen Frostine...then proceeded to have sex with her body.

FANFICTION. YAY.

[icarus]

i had the pleasure of having a fanfic where harry potter dug up his father's rotting corpse and skullfucked it (with detailed descriptions of the worms and rotting brains sensation on his dong) read to me as a BEDTIME STORY.

GAFF, why did you do this to me.

[superluser]

FOOL! I RUIN EVERYTHING!

Hey!  That's my job!

Worst fic I ever stumbled across was

...Oh!  I win!  I win!  I get to ruin things again!

``Gallant is aroused.  Goofus is horny.''

That's right.  It's a Goofus and Gallant slash.  Since child porn isn't allowed, and Goofus and Gallant are technically kids, I can't post it.  But you can google it.

[bill]

How the hell can there be Goofus and Galant slash? They don't even meet each other in the cartoons!

Get the plot right, folks. 

[icarus]

GALANT runs his fic through spellcheck and double-checks for character consistancy.

GOOFUS types with one hand in his pants at all times.

[superluser]

How the hell can there be Goofus and Galant slash? They don't even meet each other in the cartoons!

And Abel admits that he's a voyeur.  Come on!  It wouldn't be a fic if they didn't get something horribly wrong.

[JessieHaven]

Thank you for that... well now that I have absalutly no touch with reality or the world of the sane.

I am going to go goudge out my eyes in an attempt to find something to help my mind forget this little annoyance if you all dont mind...

[Tapewolf]

You need a pop filter.

[Zina]

THIS IS SERIOUSLY THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER LISTENED TO. BETTER THAN THE ABORTION SONG. I CAN'T EAT MY CEREAL WITHOUT SPEWING IT EVERYWHERE.
Darn you, Soshi. D:

I like how Alexsi sounds so manly. She's so butch. <3

EDIT: And Dan sounds so sexy! Oh god, this is hot.

[JessieHaven]

I think I poked my brain...

Anyway I will admit that there where some points of that where it was funny, but more times then not, jsut plain annoying... but thats enough about my opinion.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

"...at least as far as -this- author knows..."
"I love it when guys write lesbian scenes"

*bwahahahahahahahahahaha!*

"It's a jungle in there..."


I know -I'm- laughing myself into hysterics... :-]

... I have to wonder if the wonderful Icarus (hi! I like your comic!) has heard the phrase "like being attacked by a snail"? It's a wonderfully apt description of what, well, the average inexperienced male's, uh, attack on the female... Yeah, let's just leave it at that. :-]

[lucas marcone]

icar i love your comentary. haveing listened to the first one. it was funny as hell.

WILDY SOUNDS LIKE MEATWAD!

[Alondro]

Meh, I can only write good pr0n, for I know how to use syntax and grammar, and my vocabulary is thousands of words in size.  *sighs*  Me and my language competency.   

[JessieHaven]

icar i love your comentary. haveing listened to the first one. it was funny as hell.

WILDY SOUNDS LIKE MEATWAD!

Now that you mention it...

[superluser]

So I'm finally listening to it, and I just got to the bit where she's ``flicking her [feel free to insert anything here] ...which was the most erotic sensation she had ever felt''

Guys (and girls, I guess), I don't think that flicking anything is going to rate very high on the erot-o-meter, for either sex.  At least not for the the recipient.

Edit:

Someone *sent* this to Amber?  I just started part 3, and this is looking like goatse.  I wish I had a hard time imagining someone actually thinking that this was any good.

But I've seen worse.  WHATS A PEANUS & WEAR D0 I GET 1 ??/ (NSFW, though it's silly enough that I doubt that anyone could actually get offended by it)

[Zedd]

My brain hurts!

[Amber Williams]

There's a lot of indicators in this fiction that the author A) has never had sex with an actual female and B) only understands sex by looking at furry porn and reading other fictions  C) was probably typing with one hand.  And it's sad...because when I went to it I was more taken aback by the total lack of good writing and continuity moreso than I was about the sex.  It's a very sad state of the union when the creator of a PG comic can probably churn out a better pornfic.

Anyways...since the edge has been taken off, if people really are hot to trot to see how the audio version holds up against the horror of the original: Here Ya Go. (NSFW...but that should be a given)  You'll probably have to put in a birthdate and name but nothing major.

[Darkmoon]

Seriously... why does Alexsi sound like a mentally retarded, asthmatic dude?

[Damaris]

*dies*

Those thighs will sure make you gasp.... lmao.