The latest Twilight movie...

Alondro · November 21, 2011, 10:57:45 AM

(This is less a review than pure and simple lunacy, which is more fun than actually reviewing this piece of sparkly manure.)

*looks at the box office receipts and sighs* Girls in the US really are that stupid. Audience for the movie was 80% female.

Women, you should really be ashamed of yourselves. Do you LIKE poorly-written books/movies about abusive relationships with monsters? The entire series reads like a high-schooler's slash-fic. Hell, "Cupcakes", revolting as it was, had better use of grammar and pacing at least.

Guys who went to see it, the manly council has commanded that to redeem your honor you should commit hari-kari IMMEDIATELY. I dun care if you went because of your girlfriend, you have shamed manliness by watching the ultimate in awful.

They may be one last hope for you before ritual suicide... My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic has 10,000 times the manliness of "Twilight". Scientific analysis proves this!

If you watch the entire series non-stop, starting now, the Council of Manliness may recind the involuntary suicide judgement.

*Note to others on The Council: Due to the increasingly devastating effects of "Twilight", plans for world domination have been moved up 6 months to December, 2012.

*

justacritic · November 21, 2011, 11:34:10 AM

I think it's because Twilight's a badly written romance that has become successful giving hope to all the other horrible romance writers and they're showing solidarity together. Then again the author did throw in just about anything that people would be interested in. I mean, vampires, werewolves, loli, mind control, mind reading, immortality, etc.

Alondro · November 21, 2011, 02:52:43 PM

Quote from: justacritic on November 21, 2011, 11:34:10 AM
I think it's because Twilight's a badly written romance that has become successful giving hope to all the other horrible romance writers and they're showing solidarity together. Then again the author did throw in just about anything that people would be interested in. I mean, vampires, werewolves, loli, mind control, mind reading, immortality, etc.

Yeah, so the new rule is: Forget about writing something brilliant, just throw a whole bunch of pop culture in it, with some sex and lots of angst, and you'll make $$$$$$$ from vapid teenage girls.

Amber Williams · November 21, 2011, 03:07:28 PM

It may be me, but I actually don't mind the Twilight series. It's not my personal thing, but I'm glad a lot of people are finding entertainment and enjoyment from it. Goodness knows when I was younger I enjoyed entertainment media that I later looked back on and shook my head with disbelief. (I'm looking at you Spice Girls.

)

Kipiru · November 21, 2011, 03:44:13 PM

Quote from: Amber Williams on November 21, 2011, 03:07:28 PM
It may be me, but I actually don't mind the Twilight series. It's not my personal thing, but I'm glad a lot of people are finding entertainment and enjoyment from it. Goodness knows when I was younger I enjoyed entertainment media that I later looked back on and shook my head with disbelief. (I'm looking at you Spice Girls. )

I do believe you have a point, the hate against the Twilight series is justified, but has gotten out of hand for a fad that is already fading into obscurity. Sparkling vampires will not last beyond the last movie and in 2 to 3 years will be completely forgotten for the next silly thing girls get into. This isn't Harry Potter- a recognized instant classic that appeals to both sexes and all ages- this is a girl thing- like boy bands and girl bands were before.

Janus Whitefurr · November 21, 2011, 07:12:46 PM

Quote from: Kipiru on November 21, 2011, 03:44:13 PM
This isn't Harry Potter- a recognized instant classic that appeals to both sexes and all ages.

*spontaneously combusts, runs from thread screaming and on fire.*

VAE · November 21, 2011, 09:27:32 PM

@Alondro.
Looking at the statistical audience split, I'm starting to suspect it kinda works like a pr0n movie - that is, plot is entirely optional.

justacritic · November 21, 2011, 09:59:18 PM

Quote from: VAE on November 21, 2011, 09:27:32 PM
@Alondro.
Looking at the statistical audience split, I'm starting to suspect it kinda works like a pr0n movie - that is, plot is entirely optional.

Plot is optional? Nah It's just an excuse

Kafzeil · November 22, 2011, 06:50:51 PM

Honestly, I'm gonna see those movie because it's so bad.

The rest of the series falls into the "So bad It's Good" camp for me. But Breaking Dawn?

This is the book that divided Twilight fans. And if you know anything about it, well, it makes the other three books like A Song of Ice and Fire. About 50% of the fans jumped ship after Breaking Dawn. Hell, my sister used to be a pretty big Twilight fan. Breaking Dawn turned her into a big ANti-Fan.

It still does peeve me that this book series was only a few years old when it got a movie deal. I'm still waiting on the film version of A Confederacy of Dunces.

Sofox · November 22, 2011, 07:02:57 PM

Why the hate against Twilight? I love it!

Kafzeil · November 22, 2011, 07:46:05 PM

Quote from: Sofox on November 22, 2011, 07:02:57 PM
Why the hate against Twilight? I love it!

Okay, kudos for posting ELO.

RJ · December 12, 2011, 04:45:53 AM

So... did any of you guys hear about the movie causing a few seizures? Apparently the attempt at censoring the birthing scene with strobe lights was the culprit.

I have to ask though, anyone know how exactly that birthing scene turned out anyway? I was sure they wouldn't even include it because they needed a PG-13 rating.

Janus Whitefurr · December 12, 2011, 06:22:29 AM

Quote from: RJ on December 12, 2011, 04:45:53 AM
So... did any of you guys hear about the movie causing a few seizures? Apparently the attempt at censoring the birthing scene with strobe lights was the culprit.

I have to ask though, anyone know how exactly that birthing scene turned out anyway? I was sure they wouldn't even include it because they needed a PG-13 rating.

I heard about the seizures thing and found it hilarious, but only hearing it second hand (and only finding uninformative articles) left out the part that it was strobe-lighting censorship that did the job.

All my specifics about the scene come from Movies In Fifteen Minutes, which describes it quite merrily as "strawberry gore and cream-cheese afterbirth". How much was actually shown on-screen (if anything I'd suspect they'd do offscreen flying blood or something) I don't know.

This whole post was basically an excuse to post and wave hi at you too, squirrel! o:

Alondro · December 14, 2011, 11:54:02 AM

Quote from: RJ on December 12, 2011, 04:45:53 AM
So... did any of you guys hear about the movie causing a few seizures? Apparently the attempt at censoring the birthing scene with strobe lights was the culprit.

I have to ask though, anyone know how exactly that birthing scene turned out anyway? I was sure they wouldn't even include it because they needed a PG-13 rating.

Seizures? Ha! That's hilarious! Proof that the series can't do ANYTHING right!

Also: SQUIRREL! You're alive! Have a Pony. *gives RJ a Pony... which has one of those Drahk mind-control things hidden inside*

SquirrelWizard · December 14, 2011, 03:47:01 PM

k, I haven't seen the movie, but if its anything like the others I'll comment about the series as a whole.

I don't like the twilight series not in the pop culture, "disliking it is cool" kind of way either. For me the series breaks down into two parts, the romance and the supernatural. The problem is there is really nothing tying the two together. If you took both parts and made seperate stories (tweaking them just enough to make them function without changing the overall plot.) and they can pretty much stand on their own. This disjointed storytelling is distracting. Sure many people use multiple storylines within their books, but at the same time those lines also rely upon the others to become resolved, they achieve some sort of interactivity between them.

Second, I felt like the characters were rather one dimensional. Bella exist to constantly angst over her love life, and throw herself into danger. Seriously, if vampires have to play baseball during a storm to mask the crack of the bat, and then a vampire tells you that there is going to be a battle between newborns (which are faster/stronger than a regular vampire) and a vampire/werewolf army, as a human you are pretty much useless in the fight so why are you insisting on staying here? Love? If you truely loved him, you'd understand why he's telling you to leave and get out of dodge before A) you become newborn food, B) you get him killed because he has to divide his attention between people he's fighting and your safety, or C) you give whoever was directing this army a massive advantage when he catches your puny human ass.

Edward and Jacob are in the similar boat. Both are tailor made to fight each other, in that they fall in love with Bella are are creatures who are mortal enemies.

In short, my complaint is that the story isn't all that well planned out, the characters could use a ton of work, and for all the hype it has recieved, its a pretty mediocre piece of work.