[character profile] Ryy Mac'Lazurus

[Ryy Lazurus]

Edit 18/01/2010
Very sorry, my last edit didn't work, I screwed up somehow (I've no idea how), but I didn't find out until a couple of days ago when I last got online.
My bad folks. Feel free to point and Duh at me.
The Mary-sue comment made me scream in horror btw. I never would have picked up on it. Likewise the Fa'Lina, Dan and Abel thing. I've toned down Fa'lina and erased both Dan and Abel. Also, Ryy is a bit more damaged as per the suggestion.
Just wondering, Is the length really that much of an issue? I never really thought of this as a fan-fic, but aside from short fiction of my own, the majority of my writing is for Role playing games.
Once again, If you think this still sucks, let me know. I'll delete it, and consider the mistakes the next time I write something.


So . . . yeah. Thank you for the advice and for reading the bloody thing.

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Ryy Mac'Lazurus of Seme
Nicknames: Highland Dancer
Race: Phoenix Incubus (Phoenix (b) Mother, Incubus Wildcat Father)
Age: 386
Status: Single
Family: Father (Lazurus of Seme), Mother and half-brother (both long dead, but brothers descendants still exist)
Feather/fur Colour: Black with blue highlights
Eyes: Blue, but he is fond of changing them to more unusual colours on a whim

Appearance: Like his mother, he is a raven phoenix. He is slightly taller than average, and of athletic build. He has a naturally dull grey beak, and his chest area is a very dark shade of blue. The feathers covering the rest of his body are black with blue tips going through them. His wings are pure black. He favors black jeans and jackets (or coats if it's too cold), but he picks clothes of other colours to not appear unimaginative. He also likes gold and silver jewelry (rings, necklaces and the like). He changes his footwear to whatever he things is right for where he is (Trainers for towns, boots for mountains etc). When working in shops, he makes himself shorter, fatter and wears whatever uniform he's given. He's fond of altering his appearance for superficial changes ("Should I turn my eyes green and make myself look muscular tonight"), but he normally settles on his true appearance most of the time.
His Wildcat form has the same colour scheme, but if furry rather than feathery. He doesn't use it very often ("emergencies only").

Hobbies: Exploring, doing odd jobs, telling tall tales in taverns, helping people out, righting wrongs, magic and gambling.
Often Seen: Being either an adventurer or a retail assistant
Most known for: being a hero or villain
Favorite Food: Fish and Chips/angst born from frustration
Favorite Colour: Claims black, but is really blue.

History
Ryy's mother was a foolish Phoenix (called Na'deen) married to a downright nasty farmer. He treated her little better than a slave, and beat her regularly. One night, the incubus Lazurus was passing by and felt her despair. Because of the job he was doing at the time, he knew better than to do anything drastic, so he decided to give her some good memories and deal with the farmer in a nonfatal way. Assuming the farmers form (while he was blind drunk in a barn), Lazurus seduced the miserable phoenix, and gave her a night of her most romantic fantasies. Leaving the room while she slept, he left a note saying that he had to go on an errand, and would be back soon. He grabbed Na'deen's sleeping husband from where he lay, and took him far from the farm. On a road towards the nearest town, he beat the hell out of the farmer and ripped of his leg. He threatened to do worse if the farmer ever raised a hand against his wife again, and dumped him in a ditch. He completed his job in the town and left, making a mental note to come back at some point to check on things. This was just a casual pledge however, as he had no idea that his brief union with Na'deen had left her pregnant. Shortly after he left, a renegade cubi of the Kish'ta (Nightmare clan) settled near by the town, with the plan of terrorizing all the surrounding area.

Just after Na'deen gave birth, a team of adventures were able to kill the Kish'ta cubi.
When the farmer heard, he believed that this had been the one who had attacked him. Furious with Na'deen due to the beating and mauling he had sustained, he angrily informed her that he wasn't the last man she had slept with and crafted a cruel revenge. He sold Na'deen's unnamed son to a traveling group of slavers when the child was just under a year old, and then nearly beat Na'deen to death, crippling her wings. He didn't truly know if the boy was his or not, but as he was a Phoenix and not a canine being like himself, the Farmer didn't really care. In truth, he more interested his sadistic revenge.
The child was raised by the slavers as servant. Due to his status as a non-being, he was treated as a whipping boy and freak. Beaten and overworked everyday, he led a miserable and loveless life. The only good thing to happen to him was when the kind old slave who raised him (knowing he was about to die) told the boy he could have his name after he died. Ryy grew up suffering injustice after injustice. When he turned 18, his head wings appeared. The slavers, fearing him to be not just a being, but a  monster, locked him in a cage, and prepared to execute him.

While this was going on, Lazurus had finally gotten around to checking on the horrible farmer and his poor (but oh so sweet) Na'deen. Na'deen had died the previous year, after giving birth to the farmers son. Hearing this, Laz confronted the Farmer, who was terrified by Laz not being dead. Reading his mind, Laz learned everything, and tore the farmer apart when he realized that he honestly didn't know where the slavers had gone. Leaving the boy in the care of a young maid, he set off to find his own son. He was unable to find any trace of the slavers, and believing himself (incorrectly) to be on the outs from his clan due to failing to complete a request from Seme herself, he started to despair. In sheer desperation, he sought out Fa'Lina and begged for her help.

Despite being told that he was coming (Seme liked to keep tabs on her grandson), Fa'Lina only saw a desperate father trying to find his lost child. His appeal touched her heart, and she promised to help him. In little time, she teleported the pair of them to a hill above where the slavers camped. They where in time to see Ryy being dragged, in chains, to his execution. Fa'Lina told Laz that she protect the boy while he took care of the slavers.
As Ryy's head was forced on a block of wood, he screamed for help and begged for mercy. Just as the axe came to decapitate him, it was caught, mid swing by Laz.
Laz thanked the slavers for looking after his son, and showed his gratitude by slaughtering them. The leader of the slavers tried to finnish the job, only to be killed by Fa'Lina. Fa'Lina freed Ryy and helped him stand up. She made a show out of snapping her fingers to give him clean clothes. After Laz had finished the last of the slavers, Fa'Lina brought them all back to the SAIA. She had a privet word with Laz, telling that Seme had told her he was coming and had tracked down the Ryy herself. Fa'Lina told Laz that it was past time that he grew up, and acted like the boy's father. Lazurus took this abuse with good grace, thanking Fa'Lina from the bottom of his heart. Fa'Lina told him that Ryy would join the academy, but that could wait a few months while the two made up for lost time.

Ryy was overwhelmed that he had a family now, and couldn't believe that he had a father who loved him. Lazurus took him to meet members of his clan, and spend time with some trusted friends and associates. He had been a fearful and submissive person throughout his youth, often given a beating for little or no reason. Hearing the boy tell his tale broke his father's heart. Laz told him that as a cubi, there was little in this world he couldn't do, and taught him to stand up for himself. In spite of that, Ryy is more likely to follow than lead, and sometimes still follows orders of commands given to him, often without realizing it. The few times when he sleeps, he is a very light sleeper. He almost always dreams he's a child again. The fear is obvious to any who see his sleeping form.
He spent six months with his dad before he enrolled in the SAIA.
He was a cheerful and enthusiastic student in public, who didn't exactly have close friends, but was well liked. He became even more popular when he got the hang of flirting (passed with honors). Alone, he his smile would die, sometimes he would go days without speaking to people. Ryy never really joined any of the groups during his time at the academy, but he always had time for other Seme clan mates, sometimes having meals with small gatherings of several generations.
After he left the SAIA, Ryy traveled Furrae as a bit of an adventurer and avenger. He is guided more or less by "this feels right" or "this could be fun". He despises creatures and beings who victimize others, and only supports fair fights. While doing some shopping in a small market, he picked up on the frustration given off by the people there, and twigged that these places where guilt free and untraceable emotion sources. While he isn't ashamed of his cubi nature, he sees the wisdom in hiding his head wings most of the time.

Personality
Ryy is a bit of a charmer and flirt, but this is not a front as he is a genuine nice guy. He the sort to complement total strangers on their attire, and really hates jerks and bullies. His harsh childhood and cubi upbringing has made him very grateful for the life he now has, so he is determined to enjoy himself. He doesn't exactly keep friends, but he has a long list of people he trusts and likes. He doesn't see chosen career as a problem to his Seme heritage ("Bad guys get pretty down after I kick their arses"). He normally has a smile on his face, and given that he listens just as well as he talks, most people feel they really can trust him. While it seem like he's a free spirit, in truth he doesn't feel comfortable around people. He is unaware of it, but he has a fear out of being made a slave again. He's fine working in retail, because he can easily walk out if it gets too much for him. He is aware of his submissive nature, and doesn't like people taking advantage of it. Even though when he does join a group, in his own way he is very conformist and tries to keep everything running smoothly. He feels uncomfortable and awkward when others look to him for leadership. Being a adventurer works just fine for him, because the instrutions he receives are optional most of the time. He does pro bono work whenever he hears about kidnapped children or slavery. He rarely leaves the abductors alive, as they often fill in for the gang that enslaved him all those years ago.

Quirks and Fun Facts
In addition to cubi shape-shifting, Ryy's Phoenix nature allows him to become a wildcat giant
Because of his father, thus not being a true Phoenix, Ryy can eat and enjoy meat.
Ryy is nicknamed the Highland Dancer, because he's a big fat chancer.
He's a part time adventurer, and part time supermarket checkout operator.
The Blue tint in Ryy's feathers and fur came in when he was 15, and he is very proud of it.
His clan mark is on his chest, just to the left of his heart.

Ryy's Quote: Pal, you either just threatened me, or you decided to chew a brick. Either way, you're about tae lose your teeth"

[AmberCross]

Well I do say... I like the history. It sounds like it could be a whole story in and of itself which is in my opinion how really good histories should be ^.^
I think this is in general a really neat idea, though some parts could use a bit of polish, so here's a little advice. Of course when I said little, I really meant pretty long (fairly warned, ye be). ;P

So to start with, this may be just personal preference, but I prefer to not include canon characters in my character descriptions. The Fa'Lina thing is iffy, but a genuine role in a key part of his past, aka getting rescued from death and turning point of his life. But the part about him kissing her and his relationship with Abel is stuff that more goes under trivia than history. Plus you already have the 'kissing Fa'Lina' part in your 'most known for' so there's no need to repeat yourself :p.

On a more grammatical note: The paragraph where he's rescued and then goes to SAIA reads as awkward... somewhat choppy and with what feels like too many points crammed in. You can probably fix this by trying to smooth it over by making it less 'He did this. She did that. This other guy did... etc' or by pulling out some of the parts that aren't quite needed to make the paragraph. For ex: instead of "Fa'Lina told him that Ryy would join the academy, but that could wait a few months.
Ryy was overwhelmed that he had a family now, and couldn't believe that he had a father who loved him.
He spent three months with his dad before he enrolled in the SAIA. " perhaps a better way might be, "In light of the circumstances, Fa'Lina allowed Ryy to postpone joining the academy for three months while he spent some time with a father he never knew he had. Overwhelmed by his fortune and newfound family, Ryy and his father made the most of those three months before Ryy came to the academy where he would eventually find an even bigger family waiting for him."

I would also suggest being a little more specific as to appearance details. Right now all we know is the color of his feathers and eyes. How tall is he? What kind of clothing does he favor? How did the farmer know it wasn't his son? Did he take after his real dad in some ways that were obviously not like the farmer? From what I gather so far he is a phoenix in his base form so he takes after his mother more than his dad so I don't see how the farmer would have figured it out based on just coincidental timing. It may also help to know a bit more about the dad, mom, and farmer. Another thing to consider adding is a brief note about just what is up with this half brother of his.

And finally, a note about psychology and slaving... First off, you can't be a slave for 18 plus years (especially your first 18) without being affected by it. People who are slaves from birth or close thereto tend to have a slave mentality and be very submissive which it sounds like your character very much isn't. Since I would actually expect it to be uncommon for slavers to buy babies (seriously, you can't get anything out of them and you have to put a lot into raising them... long term investments are not friends of the greedy) it would actually make more sense for Ryy to not get sold until later in his childhood where being raised in a relatively (if somewhat abusive) household can give him the basis of a spine to last him through his period of slavery. Alternatively the slavers (not wanting to raise a baby from scratch) might have made another slave raise Ryy, possibly a free-born one that has a spine of her own to instill in this kid she's raising. However, even with all this, a traumatic past like that is not something you escape from without scars and you may want to change his personality a bit to reflect this. It doesn't have to be a foremost personality trait, but just keep his past in mind. It's not something Ryy will ever be able to forget, so it's not something you should either.

[Ryy Lazurus]

Hrmmmm. You make some good points. These ideas where rolling in my head for a while, but once I finally started writing it, It just flowed into what you see now. I wrote that in just under an hour, reviewed it once (paying more attention to spelling mistakes that plot holes and the like) and posted it.


Thanks for the advice, I'll take it on board and review the profile again properly.

I think it really needed a proof read from an impartial third party, as I honestly don't notice these flaws.

[Castle Pokemetroid]

You know, that history of his sounds just like a fanfic. If you hadn't claimed it to not be one, I would of thought it was.

[AmberCross]

Yess.... *somewhat dry tone of voice* That's on of the reasons why I suggested you omit the stuff about Abel and Fa'Lina. It's really not necessary and gives people the wrong idea.

[Castle Pokemetroid]

Sure as hell gave ME the wrong idea.

[AmberCross]

Which I was trying to say in a more polite, less brunt sort of way >.>

[Ryy Lazurus]

Edit posted. Thanks for advice!

[AmberCross]

Umm... maybe my memory is just bad, but it looks like the only thing you changed was adding a mention of Danial Ti'Fiona and Abel. I suspect however that since there is no edit postscript on this... I just didn't notice that sentence the first time around and whatever edits you tried to make didn't go through.

[Castle Pokemetroid]

Which I was trying to say in a more polite, less brunt sort of way >.>

You know, I think that's the reason why I don't post that much anymore . . .

But there is a quote in the first post:

so all criticism is now encouraged.

So I'm not afraid to be a bit blunt here.

You didn't mind that bit, did you Ryy Lazurus?

[AmberCross]

Oh there's no doubt he invited it. I'm actually being hypocritical by claiming to attempt tact since I'm usually terrible at tact. I just feel really bad about tearing people's work to shreds so I try to be as polite as I can about it >.> Which is kind of silly I admit.

[Inumo]

This has been marked "new" a lot, figured I'd come see what exactly was so response-worthy about it.

Anyways, things I notice just from looking through is the whole "names" bit. If you're creating a character, you rarely want to use a character you didn't make/didn't as the creator about reactions with. Making up secondary characters to go with the character you made is fine, just don't use established ones since there's that whole fanfic label and (in really bad scenarios) copyright issues.

Secondly, I have a hard time not jumping to the Gary/Marty Stu label for this character (see the trope "Mary Sue"). Even disregarding the fanfic aspects (a known antisocial personality looking into being friends, a headmistress swooping in to save the day of one student out of many), he seems idealized. He sounds too happy and developed for having an angry, wife-beating father and being sold into slavery.

Finally, there's the fact that he's got your name. I thought about lumping this in with the Gary/Marty Stu bit, but I figured this should just be mentioned separately. Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for author avatars. I once wrote a 25k word story using a pair of author avatars (one was from before I dealt with some issues, the other was after). However, it's important to realize that the character is an author avatar and either treat him or her in the story as such, making it more a self-esteem builder, or scrap him or her and try again with some more analysis of how the character's past and declared personality would effect his or her actions.

Anyways, this is what I gathered at a glance and skim, I might be jumping to conclusions. TL;DR version is avoid established names, beware Marty/Gary Stu-ness, and watch for author avatar stuff.

[127.0.0.2]

(a known antisocial personality looking into being friends ... )

Regarding Abel, are you guys sure that's how it's meant?

He tried being friendly to old "cookies and cream", but while Abel didn't dislike him, he had interest in being friends.

The structure of that sentence is pretty strange and reads more like a simple typo to me. Maybe Ryy meant to type "... had no interest in being friends"? From a purely linguistic point of view, that would make more sense.

That doesn't change the general points, though. I agree that there are some serious Marty Stu warning sings flashing here. You should give it a look again.

(Though, I personally don't think the kiss is that much of a problem actually. Fa'Lina did tell him that he'll get away with this exactly once. And IMO it would fit her personality to harmlessly flirt with attractive students on occasion as long as it stays clear who is the boss. Exhibit A: Her boobs.  
I think the whole "saving the day" episode is a bigger problem. IMO, it's one thing to casually cross the way of canonical characters - like there are probably hundreds of fans that have a hand-written autograph of Robbie Williams - and another thing to be part of events that would influence their life, too.)

[Mao]

So we're all clear:  In the tower of art, if you post, you're subject to criticism.  Anyone who posts here and tries to stop criticism of their work, is going to quickly get a boot to the backside by an irritable mod.  The same goes for folks who don't offer constructive critique.

What does this mean for you?  Don't be afraid to offer your opinions here, regardless as to whether the original poster asked for it or not.  Offer something to help improve the work in your opinion, try and be mindful of the feelings of those who posed and enjoy the works presented.

With regards to the character presented, I haven't read it closely but I'm going to toss out some helpful tips for any fanchar:  1) Never have your character in their history, profile or even future interact with the characters of the original story.  Otherwise you invite claims of trying to insert yourself into something that many folks hold dear.. and that will almost always invite backlash.  2) Never make your character notable or famous.  This very much plays into the first but also keep in mind:  this isn't your world.  You don't get a say over who is known and who isn't.  You only control the characters you've written and to some small measure the section of the world you've written into.  3) Balance your character carefully.  As a fan char, you should avoid (just as an original char should) being a Mary Sue/Marty Stu.  You're already in a position where you're being scrutinized against characters that many consider amazing.  Slightly better than any of them, and you're asking to get lampooned.

Those are some of the main things I try to consider when I make a fan char.  Others will likely disagree, but I've always felt that keeping a fan character as the equivalent to an onset extra was the best way to go.

[Tapewolf]

I would agree with Mao - avoid interaction with canon characters, and preferably steer clear of canon locations.  There is a slight exception to this in that most 'Cubi clans educate their young at SAIA.

If you have a SAIA-educated character, I would either keep this entirely in the character's past or if you do feature SAIA, try to keep it short.  Fa'Lina does have a tendency to adopt a different persona depending on the character of the person she's talking to, but all the same, try to minimize her involvement just on basic principle.

Sid, for example, was writing a very good SAIA-based story - IMHO he got it about right.  It was set way in the past, so most of the canon characters weren't even born.  IIRC Fa'Lina appears only in the first chapter and after having taken the protagonist in, fades into the background and the story is taken up by his own characters.

[WhiteFox]

Others will likely disagree, but I've always felt that keeping a fan character as the equivalent to an onset extra was the best way to go.

I disagree, in that a better metaphor might be to treat fan fiction as a spin off series. Same setting, maybe use some of the same sets, entirely new cast, and the original characters should appear as cameos at most.

A character has to stand on their own. Defining them by their interactions with popular characters is just asking for trouble. Even original creators have to worry about this: a new character won't be popular just because an old favourite likes them.

There doesn't seem to be much point to mentioning Daniel or Abel, since they don't actually have any actual impact on the story. Why is it worth mentioning that he's herd of Daniel in particular? He's probably herd, and met, plenty of adventurers. Why mention that he tried being chummy with Abel? Ryy is chummy with everyone, apparently, and Able can't be the only reclusive student in all of SAIA to have brushed him off.

I think what makes Fa'Lina seem out of character* is that there isn't any reason for her to have bonded with Ryy personally. In berating his father and rescuing him from slavers, she hasn't really done anything she wouldn't have done for any other fledgeling 'cubi. Fa'Lina seems to treat all her students like adopted children, and she isn't affectionate with any of them. What makes Ryy such a unique case? I could see him having a bit of hero worship, or maybe Fa taking up the role of mentor (even that would be pushing it. A lot).

In the bio section, It mentions him being known for "Kissing Fa'Lina and living to brag about it." I'm pretty sure bragging about it would bring down the wrath of Fa'* pretty hard.

The plot is very saccharin, with a pretentiously happy ending. Ryy doesn't seem to be worse off for any of his experiences. His utter lack of shortcomings makes him seem plastic. He doesn't even have to make any effort on his own part: he's rescued, then coddled.

I did have one weird little moment of discontinuity: Ryy gets treated as a whipping boy because he wasn't a being. Then, he sprouts headwings, and they put him in a cage because they're afraid of him being a monster. If they already knew he wasn't a being, why would the revelation that he was something other than a being cause such alarm? Phoenixes aren't regarded much differently than beings, so I doubt they'd make him a whipping boy just for that.

Amber Cross mentioned the slave mentality thing already, but I think it's worth expanding on. How can he get along with his father and Fa'Lina so well, if all the authority figures he's ever known were literally slave drivers? How could he have recovered from his abusive upbringing and built a strong emotional bond with his father in only three months? For that matter, how did his father come to relate so well to a son he only just met, or learn any kind of parenting skills? When did Ryy gain the social skills and self confidence required to be gregarious, let alone flirty, at SAIA?

I would note that the whole "buying him as a baby" thing actually makes sense to me: if you want a creature as a slave, you'd have to raise them that way. It's a long term investment, but creature slaves must sell at a premium. Unfortunately, everything else about his backstory completely contradicts this, since he shows no lasting slave mentality to speak of, and they were about to behead him for being a creature.

I might suggest a possible revision: Don't have his wings pop at the age of 18. In a fit of character development, Ryy works up the will to make a sole act of defiance for some selfless purpose, and the slavers decide to put him down for it before they loose control of him completely. His father and Fa rescue him, and he stays with his dad for 6 years, since most 'cubi pop their headwings at 24 or so. That might be enough time to develop a bond with his father, after some heartwarming breakthrough moments for both of them, and make steps towards outgrowing his past.

When he goes to SAIA, the process continues for another decade or two, and he gets psychological counciling from Fa'* (something like what Fa did for Abel in AS2, pg23-32. I don't know if that's the sort of thing Fa would do on an ongoing basis, but it seems somewhat more plausible for Fa' then being a tender loving auntie, and less like special treatment for Ryy). At SAIA, he has a hard time interacting with other students at first, but after some moral-laden experiences hegains a core group of firm friends, and eventually grows into the friendly and loveable guy he is today.

As a plausible fault, I would make him short tempered about emotional domination and abuse. I could see him going to the headmistresses office often for beating the tar out of bullies, which might foster Fa's* ire and grudging respect at the same time. Particularly if he stops fights, rather than starting them.

Also, people with slave mentalities don't tend to be very self sufficient, since they're used to having someone else make all the decisions for them. It might also mean that among adventurers and friends, he follows the "leader" readily, and may go along with unwise courses of action rather than rocking the boat. Being in SAIA would provide structure; scheduled classes, a well defined code of conduct, and professors in charge. Isolation is very distressing, which would explain why he's so social. Slaves are generally too passive and docile to lie or deceive, which might explain his honest nature, even if he's outgrown the passive and docile thing. Slaves are also not accustomed to having ownership of things, so I could see him being rather generous with wealth, and spartan in lifestyle.

*As a disclaimer, I don't really know what is and isn't "in character" for Fa'Lina either. Really, the only person who does know, with certainty, is Amber herself. This is all just conjecture on my part.

[AmberCross]

Ooo.... very nice suggestions there. I mean I noticed (obviously since I also pointed them out >.>) most of the things these other people are mentioning, but Whitefox in particular seems to have come up with an even better solution than I did.

[Ryy Lazurus]

Errr...
New edit (sorta) posted. Notes at top.

[AmberCross]

Edit 18/01/2010
Very sorry, my last edit didn't work, I screwed up somehow (I've no idea how), but I didn't find out until a couple of days ago when I last got online.
My bad folks. Feel free to point and Duh at me.
The Mary-sue comment made me scream in horror btw. I never would have picked up on it. Likewise the Fa'Lina, Dan and Abel thing. I've toned down Fa'lina and erased both Dan and Abel. Also, Ryy is a bit more damaged as per the suggestion.
Just wondering, Is the length really that much of an issue? I never really thought of this as a fan-fic, but aside from short fiction of my own, the majority of my writing is for Role playing games.
Once again, If you think this still sucks, let me know. I'll delete it, and consider the mistakes the next time I write something.

In the future, try to keep these messages as new posts instead of only editing the old one. It's annoying to have to go down to the start and try to figure out what you changed.

Aside from that, this is much better. There are still things that make my eyes twitch when reading, but for the most part I think it's just personal preference stuff. ("...broke her wings!" Exclamation not really necessary >.> stuff like that) As for the length thing, that's an issue of personal preference. Some people (like me) like long histories whereas some find them irrelevant and annoying.

[WhiteFox]

Just wondering, Is the length really that much of an issue?

"Issue" wouldn't be the right word.... Not for me, at least.

One thing I never understand is when people write these kinds of backstories for characters, and write a "real" story that takes place after all that stuff. The stuff in the backstory is what's actually interesting. The "real" or story becomes a series of flash-backs and revelations about stuff that already happened. This is personal preference, but I'd rather have the interesting stuff happen during the story itself. The revelations lose punch, since the backstory already revealed it.

The backstory itself, though, is a story. Congradulaions: you just wrote a story about your character, and it's a short and interesting piece of fiction. Since backstories for RP characters have to give a sense of the character, it works quite well.

If this was something meant as groundwork for a larger story, I'd say that it would make a good plot outline (Edit: I might be biased, tho... I have an RP character whose backstory is now being made into a major motion picture comic).

Once again, If you think this still sucks, let me know. I'll delete it, and consider the mistakes the next time I write something.

I would caution against that. If you do delete it, the comments that have been made so far won't make sense to other people reading the topic.

Besides... It doesn't suck. (EDIT: After reading it through, it's much better actually.)

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[EDIT]

Read through the revised version... I think it's much improved. I get the feeling that he's determined to overcome his upbringing, which adds a lot of depth. It gives him a tangible motivation for his behaviour.

Some of the things at the end of the History section might fit better in the Personality section. The last three paragraphs of the story feels like the narrative is being interrupted. ("...and taught him to stand up for himself." History. "In spite of that, Ryy is more likely to follow than lead..." Personality.) That's pretty subjective, tho, since how something is worded could change what section it would fit in (eg: "In spite of that, Ryy never overcame his tendency to follow rather than lead" Narrative). Probably has something to do with whether something is in the past or present tense.

He became even more popular when he got the hang of flirting (passed with honors).

I snickered at that. And, of course SAIA would have classes on flirting.

Laz thanked the slavers for looking after his son, and showed his gratitude by slaughtering them.

That too.  

...and sometimes still follows orders of commands given to him, often without realizing it.

I like how that's put: sums things up concisely. "And" might be more appropriate than "of," tho.

I like the changes in the personality section, regarding how his upbringing has affected him: taking retail jobs because he can walk out on them, pro-bono work for kidnapped children, puts on a friendly face in public even though he's actually uncomfortable around people, all that. It certainly suits the character better than the suggestions I made.

[AmberCross]

He became even more popular when he got the hang of flirting (passed with honors).

I snickered at that. And, of course SAIA would have classes on flirting.

Laz thanked the slavers for looking after his son, and showed his gratitude by slaughtering them.

That too. 

...and sometimes still follows orders of commands given to him, often without realizing it.

I like how that's put: sums things up concisely. "And" might be more appropriate than "of," tho.

I'm flattered you decided to quote me on this, but I really can't remember actually saying any of this :p

[Tapewolf]

Yes, that's a lot better IMHO.  It's pretty good, though personally I would have rolled my own small clan rather than tapping into an existing heavyweight.
Have you figured out where his clan mark is, by the way?

[WhiteFox]

I'm flattered you decided to quote me on this, but I really can't remember actually saying any of this :p

My gravest apologies.... Henceforth, I shall take utmost care not to repeat this mistake.

Serious Fox is serious.

[EDIT] Previously mentioned quote tags have been edited.

Yes, that's a lot better IMHO.  It's pretty good, though personally I would have rolled my own small clan rather than tapping into an existing heavyweight.

I did that for DSoF, and it made me feel kind of weird. There's supposed to be a limited number of clans with active leaders, but if every fan character has their own, it's like they're coming out of the woodwork. (I preemptively-retconed this by making some of the clans leaderless, but still...)

Besides, Seme is a moderately sized clan, and they're noted as being widespread. If it might be more of a issue if it were Jin (8 ), Cyra (2, and they're both named), or Fa'Lina (0).

[Tapewolf]

I did that for DSoF, and it made me feel kind of weird. There's supposed to be a limited number of clans with active leaders, but if every fan character has their own, it's like they're coming out of the woodwork. (I preemptively-retconed this by making some of the clans leaderless, but still...)

Besides, Seme is a moderately sized clan, and they're noted as being widespread. If it might be more of a issue if it were Jin (8 ), Cyra (2, and they're both named), or Fa'Lina (0).

There's a limited number of clans with tri-winged leaders who are still alive and active - adding more of those to a present-day DMFA scenario breaks canon.
As I understand it, there are many smaller clans (<= 50) with either a dead leader, someone who is nominally in charge or someone who has branched an existing clan etc, and rolled their own without being a tri-wing.  When putting Daryil clan together, I wasn't sure if the wing-heads should be there or not and decided that he had somehow faked them.

With Jyraneth, the idea was originally that she was dead in the present day, but Keaton backtracked on that and decided that she should be alive, but in a state of hibernation.  I cross my fingers and say she's an inactive leader.
However, with regard to your original point, it's worth noting that (with Keaton's permission) I added a few extra Jyraneth members to reuse an existing clan rather than add yet another one.

[Ryy Lazurus]

Thanks everyone.
The original story was written in one go during a day when I'd just overdosed on caffeine. The idea's had been swimming in my head for a while, so my drugged up brain started demanding I start writing. The misjudgments on my part just seemed like good idea's at the time, but I once thought Big Brother would last one season. Still learning things  .
Because I lack proper internet access (I don't even own a telly), I'm a bit of a casual poster, but hey,  such is life. My intent was to just write a profile, the story comments took me by suprise. I have idea's for the boy, but nothing solid. I thought once I got this done, I'd at least have a proper frame of reference to start with. DMFA is always a treat from me to read, and the fact that Amber has done such an amazing job in creating this world just inspired me.
As soon as the character formed in my head as a cubi (I was torn over a Phoenix (b) or Griffin (b) for a while) I knew he'd be a Seme. It's just the only way I could see him. Laz is another user name I use (My Legal name is Ryan Malcolm Lazurus McGuinness), I was torn on the idea for the cubi parent, then Laz just jumped in there fully formed. This is however the first time I've named a character after myself (Twice), but It seemed alright to me. Every writer puts a part of themselves into the characters they create. I probably won't be naming anyone after myself again though. I really don't have much of an ego. Honest.
It took me a while to write the edit, because I tried to adapt my idea's to the criticism. Anyway,
I am really grateful for the comments, and hope I do better next time. I'll just touch it up and done.

Have you figured out where his clan mark is, by the way?

DAMN!
-edit

[WhiteFox]

Thanks everyone.
The original story was written in one go during a day when I'd just overdosed on caffeine. The idea's had been swimming in my head for a while, so my drugged up brain started demanding I start writing.

I'm pretty sure that's the best way to write.

The misjudgments on my part just seemed like good idea's at the time

They always do.

Every writer puts a part of themselves into the characters they create.

I don't.

I mean... Theonor is making a lifelong commitment to his career, Jade is mercurial, Felix is blind in one eye, Emeliné can rub people in exactly the wrong way, Keiran has celtic influences, Sean entertains people in every conversation he can and has a pony-tail, Arial was trying to be more outgoing, Gabriel is really scrawney, Isxarch-Skandt is highly demanding and does not suffer fools well, Carrel is worried about screwing up again and how many more last chances he'll get... but, otherwise, my characters are nothing like me at all. Nope.

In all truth, tho, I find it helps a lot to find a way to relate to a character. Lets you understand what's going on inside their head.

I am really grateful for the comments, and hope I do better next time.

The next time is always better.

Have you figured out where his clan mark is, by the way?

Heh... I had a raft of 30+ background characters, all 'Cubi, to write outlines for. When I got around to the clan marks, I had to make a random location list and roll dice.

[AmberCross]

You're blind in one eye? That actually sounds kinda neat for all that I realize it's probably not ^.^;

[Castle Pokemetroid]

I'm one forth blind in one eye, so I can sorta relate. Not really, but still.

I've tried to write characters that are nothing at all like me, and they tend to be not as interesting, so I think that putting a part of yourself into the character not only makes writing them more easier to do, it can make them more interesting.

[AmberCross]

I hold out on the theory that it is very possible to write characters that have nothing in common with you. It might be hard to do sometimes, but it can be done. Partially it just depends on the person I think.

[WhiteFox]

You're blind in one eye? That actually sounds kinda neat for all that I realize it's probably not ^.^;

Diabetic retinopathy. I had surgery for it back in '08, but it failed (and I don't mean laser surgery). The eye is always dilated, and I have no vision in it at all.

Lack of depth perception isn't that bad. It mostly gives me trouble when I'm handing money to, or taking change from, a cashier.

Lack of peripheral vision, tho, is a lot more annoying. I'll not see a car after looking both ways down a street. I can't look over my right shoulder. If I'm walking with people, I have to keep them to the left of me or I can't see them. It's like talking to someone while they're behind you. If I'm riding in a car, depending on what side I'm on, I can either see everyone else in the car, or out a window.

I hold out on the theory that it is very possible to write characters that have nothing in common with you. It might be hard to do sometimes, but it can be done. Partially it just depends on the person I think.

I've found that if I can't find a way that I  relate to a character, I haven't looked hard enough. I really don't think it's possible: characters behave the way the writer thinks they should, and that has to be based on something. Finding a way to relate is one way. Basing them on another person is another, but that still draws on the writer's personal experience with that person (In retrospect, Theonor's Dad reminds me a lot of my dad). A character can draw on a fine blend of traits and experiences, but I'm pretty sure the only way to make a character completely fictional is to give them no personality whatsoever. Not even a personality of cardboard, none at all.