Keaton's taking a Semi-Hiatus

[ChaosMageX]

For your edit one, is that to me or Keaton?

Both of you.  I want to compare my life with others who're medicated for ADD/ADHD.

[Sunblink]

i hope they diagnose correctly then, i was diagnosed with asthburgers syndrome falsely and because of it i had a fairly screwed up childhood.

I'm really, really sorry to hear that, dude. I've heard about a few false diagnoses that ended in turmoil. That's horrible.

I am very sure the diagnosis I've been given is accurate. The psychiatrist behind it is pretty competent, and it actually explains a hell of a lot of things. I don't think it suddenly changes how it thinks how I think of myself; I just ended up thinking "huh... that explains it," before I went back to playing Team Fortress 2. Besides, I don't have the full-blown condition. I just have a few traces, like I said. Doesn't change anything, considering I've apparently had it for a while and was never told point-blank. (Or I just forgot that someone did. That happens a lot where I'm concerned. I'm not even sure if this is of much significance; it's just something I need to regulate with time and effort and practice.)

So yeah, I wish you luck in getting through this and I hope that you don't make the same mistakes I did, and end up indirectly hurting some pussy that will press assault charges or worse.

Ouch. D:

To be honest, my anger issues had not escalated to that point when they were most prominent. I mean not to the point I indirectly assaulted someone. I did lose it a lot in terms of lashing out and getting extremely volatile with people I really cared about, but those episodes don't happen with much frequency anymore. The only reason they've resurfaced this month is because of all this stress and chemical imbalance. Not that I'm trying to divert responsibility away from me, because they're still my actions - something that I'm still capable of influencing. It's kind of an embarrassing topic of discussion for me because I'm not proud of my behavior back then, or on occasion this month, whatsoever. I'm gonna admit that it's hard even describing this.

But yes, I still have some black-and-white emotions, but I'm getting increasingly better at controlling them. Just take my word for it when I say I used to be terrible. The circumstances were really weird, but I'm hoping I'm growing up in some capacity.

I'm having a hard time remembering anything pertaining to my early-ish childhood. I didn't get in trouble because of violent behavior; I got in trouble because I was extremely impulsive and oversensitive. Unbelievably oversensitive. I'm not sure if that's related to ADD, though. And I don't care about those years anymore unless I'm looking back and thinking "GOOD GOD I was a prepubescent ball of social ineptitude."

BTW, how exactly did your parents treat you because of this?  Were they mega-overprotective and emotionally hurtful with verbal put-downs towards you like mine are?

No. My parents are amazing and I love them.

(I'm gonna note that it's because of that I feel really sorry that yours were... yeah.)

Is it because your ADHD made you do stupid things as a small child, like run in front of cars?

Other than this one time at AC 09, no.

(teehee)

I can't really remember any situations wherein I did stupid things because of uncontrollable impulses. I have some awful concentration problems, but that's medicated so I perform fairly well at school. Come to think of it, I don't think my ADD's all that severe in terms of complications... I think. It's just the fact I've been forced to change medications and experience the drawbacks of such a transition that sucks balls. And I don't really research ADD online because I have a few insecurities here and there. Long story, but my psychiatrist was able to dispel most of those concerns.

Not to mention, I'd rather receive his opinion than use Wikipedia as a diagnosis-machine. I'll talk to him during my next appointment.

If we continue this line of discussion, let's do it over PMs. I've never exactly gone into such detail regarding my idiosyncrasies prior to this on a public venue.

I know you probably don't have time to respond to it, but did you manage to get my PM, Keaton?

Oh yeah, I did! Sorry I haven't responded to it yet. I'll see if I can get to work on a response today. Can't make any promises, though.

[Dekari]

Although I don't really have much to add to here I still felt the need to pop in and say that it's good that it sounds like you're able to adjust and cope with the new medication set.  I hope for you that this adjustment period doesn't last too much longer and that things will go to better than normal for you soon.


Really the only part of this I can relate to is the ADD/ADHD area of it.  So, if you even need another person who can possibly relate to some of what you are going through or, at the very least, another ear to talk to...I have nothing but time    (well, aside from that entire "work" thing I got to do five days out of the week  )

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

I'm having a hard time remembering anything pertaining to my early-ish childhood. I didn't get in trouble because of violent behavior; I got in trouble because I was extremely impulsive and oversensitive. Unbelievably oversensitive. I'm not sure if that's related to ADD, though. And I don't care about those years anymore unless I'm looking back and thinking "GOOD GOD I was a prepubescent ball of social ineptitude."

FWIW, that's probably the ADHD, based on my experiences and my son's experiences and my experience of my son (who is diagnosed Aspie, for those following at home)

It's not so much overly sensitive as not really understanding what "socially acceptable" responses to the emotional turmoil are. Everyone gets upset, that's perfectly okay. What you need to learn as an Aspergers or ADHD child is how you can express that in some better way than bursting into tears.

... this is something I wish I'd understood a lot earlier than I did. I may go home and talk to my child about it, and see if it helps him.

[Siirenia]

Heya, Keaton. I'm late as always, but I like to pretend my support means something anyway.

I still have you on Steam, or my AIM's listed on here, if you want to get in touch. Just try to take it easy; that's all you can do until life starts balancing out again.

[JackTheCubiWolf]

Hmm, hearing the talk about running in front of cars because of ADHD makes me wonder if that was the reason I would take keys, when I was really young, and jam them into electrical outlits.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Hmm, hearing the talk about running in front of cars because of ADHD makes me wonder if that was the reason I would take keys, when I was really young, and jam them into electrical outlits.

No, that's just you.

[Brunhidden]

Hmm, hearing the talk about running in front of cars because of ADHD makes me wonder if that was the reason I would take keys, when I was really young, and jam them into electrical outlits.

No, that's just you.

keys would never fit, even pennies dont work that well. really the best thing to use is a paperclip, and even then the fuse breakers blow long before anything serious happens


in case you were wondering- second grade, and the inside of my eyes had the most pretty fireworks ive ever seen

[Sunblink]

Fun fact: this post was written with a missing backspace key. My caps lock key looks like it's going to fall off at any minute. Happy day! Time to visit the repairs.

I wanted to give another update because I haven't been as active on these forums, or in general, as I've wanted to. Keep my disfigured keyboard in mind and you have Commitment.

Although I don't really have much to add to here I still felt the need to pop in and say that it's good that it sounds like you're able to adjust and cope with the new medication set.  I hope for you that this adjustment period doesn't last too much longer and that things will go to better than normal for you soon.


Really the only part of this I can relate to is the ADD/ADHD area of it.  So, if you even need another person who can possibly relate to some of what you are going through or, at the very least, another ear to talk to...I have nothing but time    (well, aside from that entire "work" thing I got to do five days out of the week  )

Thanks so much dude. You know, I just appreciate the fact you're relaying some support even though you can't completely relate to the situation. Which is fine by me.

If I'm in need of a patient ear, I'll try to get in touch with you. Thanks again for the support and the offer.

FWIW, that's probably the ADHD, based on my experiences and my son's experiences and my experience of my son (who is diagnosed Aspie, for those following at home)

It's not so much overly sensitive as not really understanding what "socially acceptable" responses to the emotional turmoil are. Everyone gets upset, that's perfectly okay. What you need to learn as an Aspergers or ADHD child is how you can express that in some better way than bursting into tears.

... this is something I wish I'd understood a lot earlier than I did. I may go home and talk to my child about it, and see if it helps him.

I didn't know your son was diagnosed with Asperger's before I read this. (, I guess.)

I completely agree with you on all counts – God, if you were really a box, I'd never let you get recycled. I admit I have a lot of some insecurities about this Asperger's business even though I sounded really nonchalant and confident about it, so your post made me feel a lot better.

(Oh yeah, I checked with my mom for clarification. I don't have the hyperactivity aspect of ADHD – it's more about the lack of concentration and stuff. I had a really hard time focusing in school, mostly during those oversensitive years I mentioned. I remember I kept drawing all over my papers instead of taking notes, and after my teachers grew tired of confiscating my pencils they just stopped giving me any drawing utensils during study time whatsoever.

I think my mind wandered the most in my 5th grade Social Studies class. Poor Mr. Taft. If I was a teacher, I'd never want me as a student.

Wikipedia, why have you made ADD a redirect to the ADHD page? Now you have made me even more confused when I am supposed to feel enlightened.)

Heya, Keaton. I'm late as always, but I like to pretend my support means something anyway.

I still have you on Steam, or my AIM's listed on here, if you want to get in touch. Just try to take it easy; that's all you can do until life starts balancing out again.

Why are you being so hard on yourself? Your support does mean something – hell, it means a lot. Thank you. <3

I'll keep all of that in mind - I still have you on Steam as well, I'm just under a different display name. I'm hoping life'll balance out soon, and I agree with you about the taking it easy thing. I learned yesterday that imposing any stress on myself is just gonna make things worse.

Hmm, hearing the talk about running in front of cars because of ADHD makes me wonder if that was the reason I would take keys, when I was really young, and jam them into electrical outlits.

No. And I don't think I have an answer for you. Maybe it's the defining characteristic of an undiscovered disorder: Spontaneous Self-Electrocution syndrome.

Well okay, I admit I thought about doing that Insert Key A-into-Outlet B thing when I was a kid, but that has nothing to do with ADHD/Spontaneous Self-Electrocution syndrome and more to do with humankind's innate urge to press that one big red button just to see what it does, even though it's labeled with the words "Self-Destruct."

"It'd kill us all!"
"But it would look so cool."

keys would never fit, even pennies dont work that well. really the best thing to use is a paperclip, and even then the fuse breakers blow long before anything serious happens


in case you were wondering- second grade, and the inside of my eyes had the most pretty fireworks ive ever seen

God damnit, Brun, don't tempt me.


Alright, time for another update.

The Good: In a recent development, my mom spoke to my psychiatrist and learned about all the pills we're trying to strike off my med profile. It's a gradual weaning process. Thanks to him, Mom wrote down a list of all the medications that are temporary, and a schedule detailing when each pill will be removed entirely. All the dates are mostly theoretical, since they can be altered due to interruptions or miscalculations.

I can't deny I've been going through some great improvements, too. I've returned to school and talked to everyone there that I missed. I also filled in the school's owner/principal on why I had been absent for so long, and she was completely understanding, thank God. So I'm back to school.

Plus I'm not feeling like I did at the start of this. That in itself is good.

The Bad: I feel like the pills are actually not doing anything that they're supposed to do. So far they make me feel worse. That might change, but things have been so horrid that I am extremely pessimistic. I'm hoping I'll be proved wrong.

Another thing: it'll actually take longer than I thought to finish the transition to the new-and-improved med profile. That's after I'm weaned off of all the unclean pills. I need to ask my mom for the schedule so I can better understand this. And I'm still not sure if there will be more things to the adjustment process after I'm, technically, finished.

Writing and drawing still hasn't come back.

Had some bad, bad drama, which I guess qualifies as a notable mention since it did ever so much to facilitate my recovery. It is over and done with, though. Fun fact: Those two sentences were revised the most times out of anything else in this post while the whole thing was being written in Microsoft Word. It used to be seven paragraphs long.

For the past few days I've had anxiety up shitshoot. Suspicions about medical health and all. Going to see if I can have these fears alleviated by visiting a local physician for a routine check-up, because there's no way in hell I'm checking info online. Not that it isn't reliable – it's just that I jump to conclusions and I read everything that's given in lists of symptoms with a very literal, very panicked mindset. Oh yeah, and every ailment - even ones that aren't even life-threatening, or that can be properly treated - that I think I have will be treated as though it is instantaneously fatal upon discovery.

Seventeen years old - I once thought I had diabetes because I spent the whole day in a state of human-slug lethargy. Then I checked Wikipedia and when I noticed the barest resemblance between what I was feeling and what was described as legitimate symptoms, I freaked, thinking this confirmed my fears.

("...Frequent urination? Ohmygod I went to the bathroom three times so far today, I am fucking doomed.")

Never mind that my blood tests came back with pristine results (and blood tests are kind of good for these sorts of things so that should have mattered), THOSE WERE TAKEN A MONTH AGO. THINGS COULD HAVE CHANGED SINCE THEN.

So yeah, I still imagine me, still hysterical after this revelation, running to the nearest grocery store/pharmaceutical department and shrieking in the poor receptionist's face, "I NEED INSULIN! I have just learned that I" – dramatic pause, then said with a grave, perfectly stone-cold face – "AM A DIABETIC."

Uh yeah, I have no idea how I managed to do that whole thing with the diabetes story. I think writing this post made me feel a lot better.

P.S.: Oh no I have a cold.

[Tapewolf]

I can't really help you with the clinical side of things, though of course you have my sympathy and support through the whole thing.

However, for the computer, think about getting a USB keyboard.  They can be had for something like £5-£10 here and that probably translates directly into dollars.
Yes, having a separate keyboard for a laptop is a bit of a nuisance when it has a keyboard of it's own, but as a quick fix it should Just Work (tm).

[Dekari]

because there's no way in hell I'm checking info online.

Yeah, good idea there.  Self diagnosis is probably not one of the better things someone can do for themselves.

*exaggerated situation (to be taken as humor and nothing else)*

Person A: Hey, (insert internet medical diagnosis site here).  I got random symptom1, random symptom 2, and random symptom 3...what do I have.

IMDS:  Congratulations, you either have the common cold or Anthrax.

Person A:  .  Gee, thanks.  I feel a lot better now knowing this information  

[Corgatha Taldorthar]

I've used online diagnoses, albeit more for humor value. One of them honestly wrote in that I had rabies.

[ChaosMageX]

Hmm, hearing the talk about running in front of cars because of ADHD makes me wonder if that was the reason I would take keys, when I was really young, and jam them into electrical outlits.

Maybe the ADHD just drives us to risk our lives when we're young and don't know any better.

And Keaton, I'm sorry to hear that your meds aren't working as well as they should.  Maybe its because you've had so many meds pumping through your veins recently that you're beginning to develop a tolerance to them, and so they can't work as well.

From what you've described about the way you've self-diagnosed yourself and reacted so badly to those diagnoses, I'm worried you may have one of those things that cause you to think you're sick when you're really not.
Or maybe I'm just the one panicking now.

I don't know much about Asbergers Syndrome, except that it is a good way of describing how Terminators behave, so I can't sympathize with you in that regard.

But still, I wish you the best of luck in recovering from your medication switch, and I hope that you can get back to drawing, writing, and being more active in the community really soon.

Also, if you're going to replace your keyboard, you should get one of those cool wireless mouse and keyboard combos.  I recently got the Logitech Wave Cordless Desktop, and it has worked out great for me.  No more having to worry about tangled cords or lack of cord length.  I could type a message from across the room if I wanted.












(Also, did you get the most recent PMs I sent you?  One was asking about the shadow abilities of the Jyraneth clan and the other was to show you my attempts at drawing your character for some of the pages of Chapter 11 of Project Future.)

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

I don't know much about Asbergers Syndrome, except that it is a good way of describing how Terminators behave, so I can't sympathize with you in that regard.

... Apparently, not even how to spell it. And no, it's not a very good way of describing how Terminators behave.

[Sunblink]

From what you've described about the way you've self-diagnosed yourself and reacted so badly to those diagnoses, I'm worried you may have one of those things that cause you to think you're sick when you're really not.
Or maybe I'm just the one panicking now.

Dude, calm down.

I don't have whatever you think I have. I've had anxiety problems for a long time and they've caused me a lot of grief in the past (as in 2005-ish), but up until this transition with the medication, I had managed to control panic attacks and other surges of paranoia by reasoning with myself. This included pointing out the flaws in such assumptions so I could realize how impossible this stuff was. I hadn't had a panic attack in years until what happened earlier last month, but the fact of the matter is: I'm still paranoid. Paranoia was the only reason that incident happened, and it was the only reason any other related incident happened.

And about the diabetes thing, that was just me joking. Yes, it really happened, but it was not meant to give anyone a reason to worry seeing as the event in question happened last year. I was just using it as an example as to why I try to avoid internet diagnoses. (Besides the fact I don't have a PHD.) If it came across as serious, I actually apologize because I didn't mean to do that or make anyone worry. Also, the ending was completely fabricated, because I'm sure if I demanded insulin from a pharmaceutical department I'd get in trouble. (Do they even sell insulin?)

If I had anything more serious than anxiety issues, I think my psychiatrist would have spotted it, seeing as I've been visiting him for years.

I went to the doctor yesterday, by the way. Things went fine and I am in perfect health.

And Keaton, I'm sorry to hear that your meds aren't working as well as they should.  Maybe its because you've had so many meds pumping through your veins recently that you're beginning to develop a tolerance to them, and so they can't work as well.

I'm hoping that's not the case. I really don't want to think about this possibility, because if anything exploring the idea of all the things that could be wrong with me is just going to make me feel worse, and add more problems to my laundry list. I really appreciate the sympathy, and my reaction could just be my mood at the moment, though. I'll ask my mom about the tolerance idea later.

I don't know much about Asbergers Syndrome, except that it is a good way of describing how Terminators behave, so I can't sympathize with you in that regard.

I'm just going to limit my response to this: No. God, I am not in the mood for this shit.


I think I've misplaced my sense of humor.

(Also, did you get the most recent PMs I sent you?  One was asking about the shadow abilities of the Jyraneth clan and the other was to show you my attempts at drawing your character for some of the pages of Chapter 11 of Project Future.)

I did get them. I don't think I can respond to them for a while, even after I do read them. I'm really sorry - lately I have been feeling kind of overwhelmed by a lot of things that have been bothering me. I'll answer the PMs as soon as I can.


Finally. The response is done. Face, meet pillow. I need some goddamn rest.

[Techcubi]

I don't know much about Asbergers Syndrome, except that it is a good way of describing how Terminators behave, so I can't sympathize with you in that regard.

...
You're seriously trying your best to tick off everyone here, aren't you?

[Brunhidden]

I don't know much about Asbergers Syndrome, except that it is a good way of describing how Terminators behave, so I can't sympathize with you in that regard.

...
You're seriously trying your best to tick off everyone here, aren't you?

zinged by the newbie

i suddenly like you more TC

[ChaosMageX]

I sincerely apologize for offending anyone on the forums in regards to my comments about Aspergers Syndrome.

I don't know much about Asbergers Syndrome, except that it is a good way of describing how Terminators behave, so I can't sympathize with you in that regard.

God, I hate myself so much right now.  That actually came from an article in Wired Magazine about the Terminator Franchise, or some other magazine, I can't remember which, and from the TV series itself, specifically episode 6 of season 2.  Look them up yourself, dammit!

I never even heard of Aspergers Syndrome until a little before that, when they talked about it on an episode of Nick News, describing it as an Autism spectrum disorder that wasn't as bad as having Autism itself.

My entire knowledge about Autism in general comes from Wikipedia, that episode of Nick News, an episode of Mental (season 1, episode 9), an episode of NUMB3RS (season 5, episode 5), at least two documentaries on the Science Channel about savant syndrome, and a few other sources I may not recall.

Heck, I didn't even know that much about ADHD until I started reading a book entitled "Driven to Distraction".  I'm so pathetic it's almost scary to me.

I don't have whatever you think I have. I've had anxiety problems for a long time and they've caused me a lot of grief in the past (as in 2005-ish), but up until this transition with the medication, I had managed to control panic attacks and other surges of paranoia by reasoning with myself. This included pointing out the flaws in such assumptions so I could realize how impossible this stuff was. I hadn't had a panic attack in years until what happened earlier last month, but the fact of the matter is: I'm still paranoid. Paranoia was the only reason that incident happened, and it was the only reason any other related incident happened.

Oh, that's very good to hear, especially since I also have a history of anxiety and paranoia, so I can empathize with that.  I always used to think that one bad grade would ruin my life forever, and my parents reinforced that anxiety, and they still do.

As a child, I also used to have an avid paranoia about the tidbits of religion I'd hear, such as how flipping people off was swearing to God, or that God might be able to hear my thoughts and punish me for them.

Heck, my first final exam in Fluid Mechanics is today and I'm still trying to resist flying into an utter panic attack because I don't think I've studied enough.  And the fact that I believe I haven't studied enough is another reason for adding more self-hate for the self-hate cilice.

[Sunblink]

I don't think I'm getting better. For the last week I've been in a wretched state, and I think I'm getting worse - I feel the angriest, saddest, and most hopeless than I have in a long, long time. My mom described some of the things I have been feeling as being similar to her experiences when she suffered from clinical depression (which happened under similar circumstances). I don't feel like the same person anymore. During all the moments of happiness that I treasure, I'm still volatile.

I need to withdraw and take a long break from the forums until I'm completely better. I hope everyone has a great holiday - I'll see everyone when I return. <3

-Keaton

[Sprocketsdance]

  I'm so sorry Keaton.. do take care and I hope you feel better soon.

[Corgatha Taldorthar]

Also sorry to hear that. We're pulling for you. 

[Aisha deCabre]

Hope you feel better, Keats.  Have a good holiday. 

[Tapewolf]

I don't think I'm getting better. For the last week I've been in a wretched state, and I think I'm getting worse - I feel the angriest, saddest, and most hopeless than I have in a long, long time. My mom described some of the things I have been feeling as being similar to her experiences when she suffered from clinical depression (which happened under similar circumstances). I don't feel like the same person anymore.

That's awful.  I had a stint at that myself, though it was due to pressures at work which cleared up, in part because the other guys there realised it simply wasn't going to work out if it kept up like that.  (That and there was the whole 'buying a house' thing on top of it)
I hope you get over it soon, I really do.  You don't deserve this.

[Lisky]

  I'm here for you Keaty, if you need someone.  My thoughts and wishes are with you, and if you need your healy harem, just hit me up when i'm around.  Take care of yourself, i wish you as quick and pain-free recovery as possible.

Happy Holidays, and best of luck.

[techmaster-glitch]

Yikes, that's bad news that you seem to have gone downhill since your last update. I wish you well, Keaton, and hope that at least your holiday celebration is a happy time for you.

[Paladin Sheppard]

Be careful now Keats, we do want you back when you feel up to it 


Be kind to yourself ok? And have a Merry Christmas if ya can....

[Sunblink]

Update because I'm using this as a journal of sorts. Things are actually starting to look up and I want people to know that. Most of this was copypasted from another post on a separate website that I made.

We figured out around January 5th that my antidepressants were making me worse, as opposed to better, due to them being ineffective in combating my bipolar disorder and them just exacerbating matters. I had a horrible meltdown on the 5th because Mom experimented with the dosage just before we were changing my med profile. Turns out my bipolar disorder was full-blown and not consisting of simple traces like I assumed, but it was properly medicated before this profile change and therefore not a problem. My psychiatrist managed to figure this out after I was finally cooperative in visiting him for the first time in a few months, and now he's able to work on how to fix my medication. He put me on a temporary antipsychotic that can hopefully even me out. We're now visiting him one to two times a week.

I'm finally able to come up with ideas that are remotely creative but I still can't really write or draw even though I'm actively getting the urges besides simply wanting to be able to. Actually, inspiration's coming out of every orifice. It's a little frustrating that I can't implement the ideas, but I think things are finally really really really improving.

I'm still not going to be able to do anything serious around here, but things are gradually getting better. I just need to keep myself from getting stressed out and I seem to have a head cold. No, it is not the swine flu.

I'm still not completely better, but guys, thank you so much for everything. I think I'm almost there.

[Tapewolf]

I'm very pleased to hear that.  Get well soon 

[Corgatha Taldorthar]

Good to hear the uplifting news. As always, if you need anything we can provide, there are legions of forumites happy to contribute.

[thegayhare]

*hugs*

I'm glad to hear things are improving hon

I know how hard it can be.

I just wish I'd seen this sooner

*Hugs*

Here's to a continued improvement