[Writing] Minishear: Short Stories and the Sort

[Howl]

Most of the things here will relate to the DMFA 'verse, and I would rate it E+ to T.

A lone incubus hobbled away from the battlefield, where his enemies, his friends, and his family all lie dead. He continued to make his way as far from the area as possible before his legs gave out, causing him to collapse on the ground. He closed his eyes and began to contemplate. His entire clan had been wiped out. "Why... why was it me that survived?"These words ran through his mind as he sat upon the ground, his body bloodier than most of the corpses.

Tears of pure anguish ran down his face as his arms fell limp, his strength diminished from the prior battle. "If this is the fate of my clan, I suppose it cannot be changed." He thought to himself, a tentacle with that could pierce steel emerging from his wing. He brought it to his body, barely pressing against his skin. "Mother, father, I will see you soon." He said, trying to work up the courage to pierce his heart with the tentacle, then letting tears flow freely from his eyes.

"If I cannot join my clan in the afterlife, what good am I!?" He said with a raised voice. For a split second, he lost his thought and drove the tentacle through his heart. His body quickly fell against the ground as the tentacle retracted in barely a second. His last breath spent, he let his life seep away from him.

[Kipiru]

All and all, a dramatic and sort of beautiful moment, but it seems to me that it dangles in midair as to the reason "why?". Why did the incubus take his life, we are kind of missing his thoughts on that decision, the background behind it (no I don't think the few lines about his clan being wiped out cover it) is lacking. Though it is supposed to be a short story, it doesn't feel like one- it feels more like a description of a moment( though if you are thinking of writing more of the same story then this comment is out). Sorry if this seems too critical, but you have to push yourself some more and really bring out your ideas.

[Tapewolf]

Oh, it was a short?  I assumed it was the start of a series.

[Howl]

Well, Kipiru. Let's be frank. I made this off the top of my head. But, I suppose I could describe it as this. (and go a bit in depth) After the defeat of the enemy clan, he looked around to see everyone in his clan dead. This caused a sort of trauma, and he decided to leave, the grief still new within him. When his legs gave out, his grief caused him to consider killing himself. He also figured that he would die long before anyone could find him. However, his anger with himself that he could not end his life made his rational thought irrelevant, and this caused the mix of emotions within him that allowed him to actually kill himself.

[Kipiru]

Look Minishear, maybe it's me being spoiled by so many long and elaborate novels. I didn't say that what you wrote is bad, I actually liked it, hence I took the time and thought to write a critique, but I can't help but feel that you could do more with it. Sorry if I offended you as a writer, I'm not one myself, so I could be wrong, but as a reader my thoughts stand.

[Howl]

I didn't take offense. As for doing more with it, I could not. Short stories are my specialty, and if I tried to make it something with chapters, seriously, it'd quickly wither and die. I know this because I have tried something with more than one chapter, it died before the fifth chapter.

[Howl]

Here's some info on two cubi DMFA fanchars. I'll post something that involves them later. Note that members of the clan that the first character comes from are born physically and magically weak, if they balance their training, they'll be as strong as members of other cubi clans a by the age of 17.

Cubi
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Atticus Ravine
Age - 27
Race - Incubus
Species - Feline

Atticus Ravine, in his youth, devoted all of his time to training with magic. Due to this, he is physically weak enough so that a shoddy uppercut could knock him out. This makes him keep a very powerful shield spell over his body at all times. The downside to this spell is that if it is dispelled, Atticus will be sent into an irrational panic, clouding his thought and causing him to flee as fast as he can. He never thinks things through to the end, and more than once has gotten the stuffing beaten out of him for this. It is also extremely difficult for him to judge the strength of his spells, which has caused him to injure his training partner more than once. It is currently his second year in SAIA. (His clan marking is on the outside of his left ear, and his affinity is Remorse)

Gaius Arvanth
Age - 444
Race - Incubus
Species - Canine

Gaius Arvanth has been a student at SAIA for quite a while. It's a suprise considering his violent disposition. He tends to get into fights with students younger and older than him (Although the fights are usually dissolved by Fa' Lina). He is skilled in hand to hand, but fares better with a large two handed axe. He takes little interest in magic, only using it to alter and call up his axe. He shows restraint when fighting other students, but he does not hesitate to kill anyone unrelated to SAIA. At one point, he was defeated by Atticus in an organized duel, which has helped Gaius' sanity unravel. It is currently his 416th year in SAIA. (His Clan Marking is on his chest, hidden by his clothing, and his affinity is misery)

(Gaius' age comes from an obession I have with the number 4)

Yes, I have revised this a lot after posting it, why do you ask?

[Kipiru]

Those two kind of remind me of Raistlin and Caramon from dragonlance. They would make for a good story. Though It's unclear- are they friends or rivals?

[Howl]

Gaius... to say the least, hates Atticus. A lot. Atticus, on the other hand, would rather Gaius leave him be.