Freddie vs. Cubi

[Tapewolf]

Maybe we should just put this out of its misery...?

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Are you miserable, Tapewolf? I don't think I am...

[Tapewolf]

Are you miserable, Tapewolf? I don't think I am...

No, but I doubt the thread owner will be too happy about it.

[Mao]

If you put it out of it's misery, what will I have to laugh at in the morning before I get settled into work?  No, I'd like to see this one live a while longer now so I can get my chuckles at it's expense.  Also:  To whomever is editing it, assuming more than one person, good on ya'.  I haven't laughed so hard in a while.

[Alteisentier]

The only clear winner in this fight is the tomato, there can be and never will be any other victor.

Lets look at the facts for a moment, tomatoes are red. Red is the colour of blood. The tomato is obviously a vicious and brutal killer that coats its self in the blood of its fallen enemies, while you may think "Sure, a cubi could do this" the fact remains that the tomato has no arms, no legs and certainly no tentacles. Leaving this brutal violent mass murdering plant a mystery for even the most cold and hard detectives who have read sin city during their lunch break.

Due to the lack of sightings of tomato attacks, since no one ever survives. Not even the witness. We have been left tome come up with a variety of theories on how the tomato can preform such horrific acts. The most common of these theories being that the tomato is really one cell in a massive plant like hive mind, when a tomato is in danger of being eaten it sends out a shrill message of help through the ground that is picked up by its various breatheren in the surrounding area, by the roots of course. Tomato roots are really underground antenna. The hive of tomatoes then focuses its psy power into a manifestation of pure evil and sin to extract vengeance and hopefully save the lone, poor tomato about to be eaten.

This theory is the most scientifically accurate one many scientists in the European union have been able to devise so far, in an effort to stop the rampart attacks of the tomato. But how does this apply to a cubi fight? Surely a cubi could out smart the simple minded tomato hive mind, they are used to dealing with such strange things every day!

But no, the cubi is at a distinct weakness, the cubi can not sense or feed off the thoughts or emotions of a plant hive mind. The two minds are simply too different to be compatable and can not understand each other. This means that the cubi can not sense the tomatoes, can not feel the tomatoes, can not even read the tomatoes mind. It is in the dark being only able to use its more mortal senses to help it win the fight. But that is not to say the tomato hasn't evolved a defense against such attacks, the tomato on the other hand can project fake emotional wave lengths with its special hive mind powers, these are used blasted out at random intervals and projected strengths to find the cubis emotional weak spot and hit it for massive damage. And when the cubi is weakend like this, the tomatos will once more summon up their monster like astral projections and send them forth into the world of the mortals, to rip appart the stunned cubi like a butter through a warm peanut butter sandwich.

But the cubi powers, what about them? You cry. Useless, they are all useless, no acts of violence can stop the tomato hive mind, you crush one tomato, and vine will rise in its place, sprouting hundreds more than ever before. Each single tomato adding power to the hive, so it grows, and grows. Each day becomming more powerful, growing more confident, absorbing more knowledge through the radio waves and tv signals. You can not stop the tomato, for every one you kill only releases more seeds, you can only slow the tomato. Nothing you can do can save you. Mr Cubi, for you would need to salt the entire earth, and genocide the tomato, and hunt down every little seed, and crush every root, and every stem untill your dying breath.. And then they will grow on your coprse.

And when the cubi has been ripped apart by the ghosts of its past, the tomatoes will roll in its blood, vibrating their happy little plant thoughts as they claim yet another victory for their race.. And once more, set on there path to world domination.. It's comming, you should know it. The tomatos are absorbing grapes into their hive mind, and with the combined forces of the grape hive mind and the tomato, no one will be safe!



AND IT WILL ROAR IN VICTORY LIKE NEVER BEFORE.

[Mao]

You sir, are made of pure awesome and win.  My hat is off to you.

[Sunblink]

I voted for Spongebob just to piss Jack off.

...mind you, I'm referring to classic Spongebob. The recent episodes suck.

[Noone]

I can only hope the readers of this letter are as outraged as I am at Tomatoes. In the text that follows, I don't intend to recount all of the damage caused by Tomatoes wayward publications but I do want to point out that on several occasions I have heard Tomatoes state that 75 million years ago, a galactic tyrant named Xenu solved the overpopulation problem of his 76-planet federation by transporting the excess people to Earth, chaining them to volcanoes, and dropping H-bombs on them. I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a comment. What I consider far more important though is that Tomatoes hate you—yes, you, because you, like me, want to carry out this matter to the full extent of the law. I don't want to build castles in the air. I don't want to plan things that I can't yet implement. But I do want to take a proactive, rather than a reactive, stance because doing so clearly demonstrates how if it wants to complain, it should have an argument. It shouldn't just throw out the word "counterrevolutionist", for example, and expect us to be scared.

This moral issue will eventually be rendered academic by the fact that I, for one, am not up on the latest gossip. Still, I have heard people say that I wonder what would happen if Tomatoes really did lower this country's moral tone and depreciate its commercial integrity. There's a spooky thought. Accordingly, Tomatoes want nothing less than to produce a new generation of unreasonable four-flushers whose opinions and prejudices, far from being enlightened and challenged, are simply legitimized, hence its repeated, almost hypnotic, insistence on the importance of its possession-obsessed smears. When people say that bigotry and hate are alive and well, they're right. And Tomatoes are to blame.

If Tomatoes get their way, we will soon be engulfed in a Dark Age of wowserism and indescribable horror. That's why I'm telling you that one can consecrate one's life to the service of a noble idea or a glorious ideology. Tomatoes, however, are more likely to marginalize me based on my gender, race, or religion. Let me offer some free advice to Tomatoes subalterns: Stop giving rise to what I call pertinacious, petulant nebbishes! It is grossly misleading merely to claim that Tomatoes use deception to trick people into voting against things that they in fact support. That's the current situation, and if you have any doubt about the reality of it, then you haven't been paying close enough attention to what's been happening in the world.

In a similar vein, Tomatoes think it would be a great idea to sacrifice children on the twin altars of anarchism and greed. Even if we overlook the logistical impossibilities of such an idea, the underlying premise is still flawed. If you're still reading this letter, I wish to compliment you for being sufficiently open-minded to understand that we should not concern ourselves with Tomatoes's putative virtue or vice. Rather, we should concern ourselves with our own welfare and with the fact that most people don't realize that Tomatoes have already revealed its plans to galvanize a corrupt hysteria, a large-scale version of the inarticulate mentality that can hamstring our efforts to prevent its warped opinions from spreading like a malignant tumor. It revealed these plans in a manifesto bearing all of the hallmarks of having been written by a bloodthirsty gauleiter. Not only is its manifesto entirely lacking in logic, relentlessly subjective, and totally anecdotal, but Tomatoes never tire of trying to extinguish fires with gasoline. It presumably hopes that the magic formula will work some day. In the meantime, it seems to have resolved to learn nothing from experience, which tells us that it's like the man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. Pull back the curtain of sesquipedalianism and you'll see a mischievous joker hiding behind it, furiously pulling the levers of nativism in a jejune attempt to insult my intelligence. That sort of discovery should make any sane person realize that the actions, beliefs, and utterances that Tomatoes are trying to tattoo on our minds are not educational, but contumacious. That much is crystal clear. But did you know that it is my job—and your job, too—to bring a fresh perspective and new ideas to the current debate? That's why I'm telling you that Tomatoes wants to clear forests, strip the topsoil, and turn a natural paradise into a dust bowl through a self-induced drought. Personally, I don't want that. Personally, I prefer freedom. If you also prefer freedom then you should be working with me to feed the starving, house the homeless, cure the sick, and still find wonder and awe in the sunrise and the moonlight.

Difficult times lie ahead. Fortunately, we have the capacity to circumvent much of the impending misery by working together to help people break free of Tomatoes cycle of oppression. As far back as I can remember, Tomatoes has pitted suborners of perjury against big-labor bosses and blockheads against savages. And that's it. Tomatoes vicegerents have coordinated their propaganda efforts into a superbly-wrought symphony of hatred and destruction.

[Mao]

Oh hay look!  It's ur thread.

[Kage]

I now phear the tomato and all of its prowess.... 

. o O ( I think my burger needs more ketchup. )

[Alteisentier]

There is but one solution to the coming dark ages, one last hope for humanity to break the cycle of death an decay these red monsterus plant growths have caused us over out galactic life span, and this is to become breathareans. But ridding out selves of our need to consume mass quanities of food we can remove the taint in our genes that is slowly converting us to a subservient race of tomato worshiping drones. A fate I do not at all wish to become a part of, and nor do you. Or so I should hope. After all these years of fighting for our freedom from the terrorist threat of the Al-fruitqueida, the people who have given their lives to the great orchid in the sky and the women and children doomed to acquire green thumbs, we can but hope and try this one last solution.

As we all know it was the development of GM foods that have allowed the tomatoes to reach their full and dangerous potential, a million billion years ago when the great lord Xenu chained our for fathers to volcanoes their race was in a struggle to ban Government Mutated foods, their oppressive neo-capatelist socitiy having forced the market to be flooded with these new and unique 'extra healthy' products. The Xenulings forced to eat these, but sadly on their mission they left behind the seeds of destruction, in the form of these GM tomatoes. Sadly for us these tomatoes have taken root over our world through the years, and now we too are developing GM foods, and what has our test subject been? Of course. The tomatoes. If we had been smart and taken heed of the warnings of how these foods could have affected us maybe we could have solved this situation, but now we have fallen to the folly of the old galactic races.

Having unlocked the tomatoes true potential we are now certainly doomed to become a servant. The already mutated tomato genes have gained even more power, and as we consume these tomatoes (Which the tomato hive only lets us do for experimentation on our own genes) we slowly absorb the mutated tomato genes into our bodys through the digestive track. These mutant genes are able to withstand the acids and when broken appart from eachother slowly slip into the blood stream through the intestines. Where they hitch rides on red blood cells and find out soul nexus. The part of our bodies that determines our genetic make out. This 'soul nexus' just happens to be part of the Xenuling souls trapped in our bodies. They know the horror of the tomato, and this is when you eat a tomato, you feel that it tastes like mushy crap, it is the soul nexus telling you to stop eating it, that it will one day absorb you into the hive mind. But we can't interpret this normally, it's very difficult for anyone to tap into this latent thought. Only us who spread the truth know of it.

Once these GM tomato genes reach the soul nexus, they integrate their DNA and RNA into it. Making sure that all new cells will be created with this new structure, it may take a few years. but once the magjority of the cells in your body contain this new strand of DNA you will be more susceptible than ever to the mind controlling rays of the tomato plants. This is why our only option is to become a breatharian. We must stop consuming the tomato genes. But why such an extream, surely meat and other foods are safe? No. They are not, many cattle and sheep have ground up tomato and various other plants in their feed, eating their meat will also make us servants to the great tomato, they tomatoes are already absorbing grapes into their hive, and god knows how many other plants already bow down to them and carry these special hidden genes and DNA. Even wearing the wool of a sheep that has the genes will make their brain waves resonate better. Acting like a body antenna. We must stop our normal ways of life and addapt to a new way. Consuming air and light for our energy. Water should also be purified before drinking, but this is something we can already handle. As a race and as humans we must step up and take a big inhaled breath of resistance.

Once we can accomplish this hard task, and by no means will it be easy, it's not easy to suddenly change your diet, this is why most diets fail and people become fat. We may lose alot of people who just can't stop eating food, but those of us who survive will be tasked with rebuilding the population and burning the gigantic fields of GM tomatoes. It's going to be a hard, dark future. But we can do it. I know we can.

For it is all that we can do.

[JackTheCubiWolf]

Are you miserable, Tapewolf? I don't think I am...

No, but I doubt the thread owner will be too happy about it.

You're right. I'd rather remove the poll since no one seems to want to take it seriously. Although, I should have expected that from this forum.

And I've eaten many tomatoes in my life and I'm sti

[Mao]

You asked us to compare two things with which we have no real frame of reference.  It's like asking which god out of all religions of the world is the most powerful.  Too many variables, too many things we don't know, and too many things that are pure chance.  Beyond that, who cares?  It's not something really pertinent to DMFA, despite having 'Cubi in it.

Next, this kinda topic always leads to either flame wars as neither side can agree (fan boys, they are a ravenous lot).  So what will likely happen when you bring out flame bait?  The trolls will come and they will flame.  Except most folks here are civil to one another for the most part so instead they'll just use their flaming to derail the thread and prevent any real conflict.  Kinda like the ez-bake oven wars that I believe Damaris has been quoted as talking about.  Something is going to get burned, but it's likely not the people involved.

Addendum:  Beyond that, threads derail naturally all the time.  You can't control it, and you can't stop it, best you can do is see where it goes and enjoy the show.  Rather than get upset about it laugh and enjoy the new direction.

[Alteisentier]

You're right. I'd rather remove the poll since no one seems to want to take it seriously. Although, I should have expected that from this forum.

Serious on my internet? never. Go with the flow, do what Mao said. Oooor whine, either way I'm amused.

[Naldru]

Looking at the picture, it looks like two sections of rail came apart.  The sections of rail are normally bolted together, so I'm wondering if you are saying that somebody here has a few screws loose.

****

Edit

Look at the Killer Tomatoes official web site if you want to ketchup with the latest in tomato mayhem.

[Alondro]

I grow tomatoes.  Lots of them.

I was smart.  I joined forces with them!   

[Angel]

(glance glance, then a Jack Sparrow-ish voice)

Why's the bat gone?

[Kage]

Looking at the picture, it looks like two sections of rail came apart.  The sections of rail are normally bolted together, so I'm wondering if you are saying that somebody here has a few screws loose.

I think that's a switch section of track which is why it looks like that.  Though on this board?  Yea.... anyone with a few lose screws are probably the more sane of the bunch.... 

[Scarydragon]

You're right. I'd rather remove the poll since no one seems to want to take it seriously. Although, I should have expected that from this forum.

What did you expect? A scientifically accurate interweb survey?

No one (besides crazed fanboys) actually ever takes a "who would win between Captain Superawesomeman and Doctor Wickedcool-Dudeman" question seriously.

[Psaakyrn]

(glance glance, then a Jack Sparrow-ish voice)

Why's the bat gone?

Disqualified for stealing Cubi's spot.

[Turnsky]

(glance glance, then a Jack Sparrow-ish voice)

Why's the bat gone?

off breathing in space.

[JackTheCubiWolf]

The killer tomatoes took me hostage, but I managed to become their king. We demand that they receive all votes and that all tomato products be removed from stores everywhere.

[Turnsky]

just because you slathered yourself in tomato paste and declared yourself the king and Queen of pants, doesn't give you many rights here.

[JackTheCubiWolf]

Ok, I just need some sleep. Goodnight.

[Scarydragon]

just because you slathered yourself in tomato paste and declared yourself the king and Queen of pants, doesn't give you many rights here.

Bad news for the real King and Queen of Pants Slathered in Tomato Paste then, hey?

[Garsemor]

Cubi is in the lead whit 14 votes. It seams that other contestants have become too self confident and let down they're guard resulting in a feral trashing.

[JackTheCubiWolf]

I finally got my BLT. Just thought I'd let you all know. Oh, and I'm closing the poll and declaring Cubi the winner.

Edit: How do I close polls?

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Like this.