[Story] Furrae Chronicles - Chapter 46 (25/06/2008)

[KarlOmega1]

*Calls for Medic* person down!
Good Chapter, Gareeku...

[Tapewolf]

Okay, good stuff as usual.  Also as usual, some tweaks & typos.
Bad news about the end-of-sentence grammar, you can't use a comma at the end  so for example "We can't do that," said Jakob. should either be "We can't do that...", "We can't do that!" or "We can't do that.".  Bummer, eh?

Note: This has not actually been done in Chapter 35.

Anyway, I've only seen two glitches:

• "I take it you were the one who was control the succubus we fought." -> 'controlling' or 'in control of'
• "A lot of use need to be treated for our injuries"
-> 'us' not 'use'

Something else has occurred to me, but I think I'll send that by PM as it might be useful to Gareeku.

[Gabi]

Okay, good stuff as usual. Also as usual, some tweaks & typos.
Bad news about the end-of-sentence grammar, you can't use a comma at the end so for example "We can't do that," said Jakob. should either be "We can't do that...", "We can't do that!" or "We can't do that.". Bummer, eh?

Strange, that's exactly the opposite of what my English teacher taught me when I was getting prepared for the First Certificate. According to her, "We can't do that," said Jakob is correct, the 2nd version is incorrect, and the 3rd one is only correct if the sentence ends there (with no said Jakob after it, I mean).

[Tapewolf]

Bad news about the end-of-sentence grammar, you can't use a comma at the end so for example "We can't do that," said Jakob. should either be "We can't do that...", "We can't do that!" or "We can't do that.". Bummer, eh?

Strange, that's exactly the opposite of what my English teacher taught me when I was getting prepared for the First Certificate.

Well, I ran this by my brother's GF who does teach English (among other languages) and that's the answer I got.  Counter-examples are welcome of course.

[Gabi]

Ok, I've just performed a web search for dialogue punctuation rules and this result was ontop: http://mrbraiman.home.att.net/page25.html

[Gareeku]

I was taught the same as Gabi in school, so the commas stay. I'll get to fixing the other corrections later. Too tired now. x_x

[Tapewolf]

I was taught the same as Gabi in school, so the commas stay. I'll get to fixing the other corrections later. Too tired now. x_x

No problem.  I can see I shall have to have words with Elise. :twisted

[Hilary]

Great chapter. ^^
Speaking as one whose character is also relatively young/inexperienced, more power to Nero! 

[Nikki]

 

5/5 cookies for this chapter!!

[James StarRunner]

How many angelic blue squirrels are there in this universe? Come on there Pal!

I guess I would have been about 10 when we first met though. Good chapter Gareeku. Nero finally steps up to the plate.

[Vaguely Creepy]

No problem.  I can see I shall have to have words with Elise. :twisted

Uh...now now, no need to be evil. He could have just garbled that particular sentence, maybe.
.....
.....
*scoots away*

Annnnnnyhoo, keep it up, Gareeku. You're doing good.

I have two small concerns, though.

It seemed that, while distracted by Gareeku's tranformation, Aisha had been attacked by one of the shadow creatures, inflicting the massive wound upon her in the process.

I think if you changed "attacked" to "badly wounded," you could get rid of the rest of the sentence after "creatures." Then again, it might be better as is.

her blood beginning to pour onto and stain his clothes

I'm not entirely sure, but isn't "pour onto and stain" redundant? It seems like you could get away with just one or the other.

[Tapewolf]

No problem.  I can see I shall have to have words with Elise. :twisted

Uh...now now, no need to be evil. He could have just garbled that particular sentence, maybe.

I asked her myself.  Be that as it may, The Silver Wolf doesn't do this, nor does Harry Potter 6, these being the books I've been reading since this grammatical dilemma was drawn to my attention.

her blood beginning to pour onto and stain his clothes

I'm not entirely sure, but isn't "pour onto and stain" redundant? It seems like you could get away with just one or the other.

Use 'stain'.  It sounds nastier.

[Gabi]

I haven't read The Silver Wolf, but I wouldn't take Harry Potter as a reference. It can be mildly amusing, but not something to be used as a writing guide.

[Tapewolf]

I haven't read The Silver Wolf, but I wouldn't take Harry Potter as a reference. It can be mildly amusing, but not something to be used as a writing guide.

Of course, but I'll be looking out for all books that use commas in this manner in everything I read subsequently.  Probably for years after this dispute is forgotten 

[Hilary]

Heh, that's what I was doing today while reading Squire. Commas are used... *commas flash before her eyes* It has begun. 

[tenlaius]

so..how is everyone?

[Gareeku]

I'd prefer it if you DIDN'T freepost in the thread. I've had a lot on my plate offline at the moment, so there's been a delay in the writing.

[tenlaius]

sorry v.v

just take all the time you need man, we understand 

[Gareeku]

ok, i fixed the mistakes in chapter 35 (i think >.>) and finally managed to get chapter 36 done.

[Tapewolf]

Nice.  I'll read it more thoroughly later on, but that's my first impression

[Suwako]

I'm running out of compliments here, just awsome gareeku. 

[Paladin Sheppard]

Put my two cents in via MSN but again great work! YAY FOR RJ!! 

[tenlaius]

nice chapter like always
and on that note..

WOOHO!! urban brawl!  sounds like the crew might have some fun 

[RJ]

Wheeeee! Nurse RJ's on the scene!

[Tapewolf]

Okay.  Here's some corrections.  AFAICS the first segment is completely correct.  The rest of it, from where Aisha comes round*, has a few typos.

• sluight -> slight
• beginninng -> beginning
• appeard -> appeared
• vaccuum -> vacuum

Queries and optimisations:

• Was Nero red to begin with?  If so, he isn't going to be able to blush...
• "A little while later, Gareeku, who now dressed in his normal attire, and Paladin were sat on the roof of the hospital" - should probably read "Gareeku, now dressed"
• "I haven't hurt any allies of mine, but that doesn't mean I ever won't" - that just feels wrong, somehow.  What about "that doesn't mean I never will"?

I think that's it.


*It is unlikely that these two events are related

[Gareeku]

ok, edits done.

[Tapewolf]

Sorry Gareeku, I knew there was one I'd forgotten:

abosrbed -> absorbed

[KarlOmega1]

Thank goodness all of you are alright...good chapter.

[Gabi]

I really liked Chapter 36, Gareeku. I liked RJ, and the explanation of her methods, I liked Aisha's reactions, and Gareeku's didn't disappoint me, and I liked the ended to. A well-rounded chapter. I can see you're inspired. I'm looking forward to reading the one you're writing now.

[Gareeku]

Ok, corrections to chapter 36 made, and chapter 37 is now up.