[comic] Gabriel, pg.6 [02-08-'10]

[Drayco84]

First, minor stuffs. Spelling and etc.

Section 1:

He began scripting runic symbols in coulombs, occasionally ciphering phrases into practical inscriptions on the facing page.

Since "cipher" is going to be one of the most used words in this, and the fact that it's one of the trickier words in english, I better do this first. "cipher" as a verb means "to calculate", but to put something into a cipher is "encipher" and to translate it into plain text is "decipher". In terms of verbage, the word is similar to "code" and "crypt". As for "coulombs", I don't know if you mean a unit of electrical charge, or "columns". (The keys are right next to each other on the keyboard. So, I figured it was a possible typo.)

Rolling up his sleeve, he began murmuring a cypher low in his throat, and tracing lines over his arm to accompany it. The runes weren't visible, but that didn't mean they weren't there.

More common spelling of "cipher". I point this out only for consistency, and the fact that spellcheck won't point it out to you.

"Drudge work for the next four days, contrue." She said.

Wiktionary didn't return any results for "contrue".

"Drudge work coffal, Basi. for once, I can have the yardies handle it. " He said.

Ditto for "coffal".


Section 2:

Ethan's mouth tightened, but he didn't object as the watchman spoke into the intercom.

Typo.

"Well... congratulations to them both."
   "Your mother's been worried about you."

Typo and typo.

Carrigan eyed him adj. "Gray winds, boy, you work to hard. Burke's in his shop. I'll show you the way."

Missed opportunity. Does the news that Ethan have his own airship catch him by surprise? Does it improve how Carrigan views Ethan? Or, does he not even bat an eye? Well, I honestly don't know. A few of these aren't anything to be overly concerned about, but when you're trying to show interactions between characters, it can add up.

Section 3:

"Really?" Burke started putting his materials away, sorting the dried strips into the shelves by width, then resealing his bottle of glue. "After all that fuss you made about not coming back till you were done."

Grammar thing. Another nitpick.

"Yeah. I... Kinda expect I'll get some turbulence about that."

This one is one of the things that annoys the crap outta me in my own writing. I've never been able to figure out if words following ellipses should be capitalized or not. Back when I started, MS Word kept bugging me about making it capitalized, so I started doing that. (Up until it REALLY started annoying the crap outta me, and then I disabled it's grammar checking "feature".)

"Well, impellers draw in air, and push it back out to generate thrust. Ducting around them increases the efficiency." Ethan said. "Ciphered impellers are the most energy efficient drives there are."

Double misspelling.

"Look at the damn blueprints, Burke!"

Just a personal thing of mine, but I prefer to use italics on just the dialogue itself, not the quotation marks as well. (Yeah, it's more annoying, but it focuses emphasis on the dialogue itself.)



  Bigger Fish:
Part 1:
  As you know, I'm incredibly fond of character descriptions. While they may be long, boring, and contain a seemingly excessive amount of irrelevant info (Such as hair color, skin color, eye color, clothes they're wearing, etc.) it helps in ways that aren't obvious at first.
  1: Clothes don't make the man, but they help make first impressions. (And that's what people do when they meet someone new, they give them a quick look-over. Heck, most don't even notice.)
  2: It's a handy snapshot of what they're like at the beginning of a story. (Thus, making it easier to tell how they change during the story's events. It they don't change, then they're not dynamic and/or usually boring. People learn and grow because of the experiences they have. Your characters should too.)
  3: It SHOWS what the character is like, rather than just out and telling the reader. (The reader, if they pay attention, also gets a number of clues about their behavior if you can pull it off correctly.)
  4: First impressions are not only used to show what a character is like, but what the main character thinks of them. (Again, more protagonist insight/identification/relation to the reader.)
  5: Spies, liars, thieves, users, and back-stabbers can and SHOULD use this to their advantage.

  I have to stop and move on, but anyway, the reason I mention this is that there's no character description for Ethan. None what-so-ever. While the reader is free to "fill in the blanks", I figured he was an anthro squid at first. (Heh, not really, but I could've.) Have you ever played "Mad Libs"? Try it sometime. That's what you can get from a lack of descriptions. Plus, this is a NOVEL, not a short story. In novels, the writer has PAGES they can use to set the mood if they so desire. They can also use it to set up disappointment and mind-screwing too. Like describing a wardrobe that's only ever mentioned once, or a gun hanging on a mantle that's never used during a zombie attack. (Especially if you want to portray the characters as too dumb to let live.)

  Names can also be used to slip info to the reader. For example, "Ethan" is a Hebrew name for "Strong, firm". and thus, sounds pretty apt. (Props on doing the research, BTW.)

  Second major fish to fry, is the use of "Said". In the section you posted, "Said" is used 38 times. (Yes, I counted. Feel free to double-check, I might have miscounted.) "Said" is one of those words that's horribly, horribly overused until it has no meaning. While it still remains useful IN dialogue, it's boring as hell when referring TO dialogue. In short, it's one of those words that should ONLY be used when you've got nothing else to use. (And if you've got nothing else to use, it's time to look up some adjectives.) It's not going to really hurt anything to keep using it, but it makes it as exciting as this guy. (And even then, I'd use "mono-toned".)
  Long story short: Make your characters more interesting by actively avoiding "said".

EDIT: Oh crap.. Almost forgot... YES, the story is comprehensible as it is. The pacing seems like a good start, and it already seems like events are picking up.

[WhiteFox]

  Since "cipher" is going to be one of the most used words in this, and the fact that it's one of the trickier words in english, I better do this first. (Insert explination)

This is much appreciated. I'll probably be misusing the terms deliberately in dialog, since the characters will be a bit more colloquial about it, but I'd like to keep things straight in narration.

  Wiktionary didn't return any results for "contrue".
  Ditto for "coffal".

They're slang. Their meaning isn't made fully apparent till the next chapter, tho.

Carrigan eyed him adj. "Gray winds, boy, you work to hard. Burke's in his shop. I'll show you the way."

Missed opportunity. Does the news that Ethan have his own airship catch him by surprise? Does it improve how Carrigan views Ethan? Or, does he not even bat an eye? Well, I honestly don't know. A few of these aren't anything to be overly concerned about, but when you're trying to show interactions between characters, it can add up.

Actually, this is the sort of thing I worry about. Carrigan doesn't bat an eye, but the only thing I did to imply this was that I didn't suggest a reaction at all. D'oh.

"Yeah. I... Kinda expect I'll get some turbulence about that."

This one is one of the things that annoys the crap outta me in my own writing. I've never been able to figure out if words following ellipses should be capitalized or not.

Personally? I don't use caps when it's a pause in the sentence, and I do use them if the sentence is trailing off.

Usually not, tho.

  As you know, I'm incredibly fond of character descriptions. While they may be long, boring, and contain a seemingly excessive amount of irrelevant info (Such as hair color, skin color, eye color, clothes they're wearing, etc.) it helps in ways that aren't obvious at first.
(Insert several very good points.)
  I have to stop and move on, but anyway, the reason I mention this is that there's no character description for Ethan.

A very good point. I hate exposition that breaks the flow of a story, but you're right: not giving the reader any visuals at all is worse.

I've already included details about Ethan's appearance in the next chapter, but I can think of another character that I haven't given any description of.

  Names can also be used to slip info to the reader. For example, "Ethan" is a Hebrew name for "Strong, firm". and thus, sounds pretty apt. (Props on doing the research, BTW.)

I do take time to research names, actually. Ethan I came up with on the spot, but Basima means "smiling" in Arabic. Ethan's last name is Ferrier, which is appropriate for his family and sounds cool, but doesn't sound like a pulpy action hero's name. I hope.

  Second major fish to fry, is the use of "Said". In the section you posted, "Said" is used 38 times. (Yes, I counted. Feel free to double-check, I might have miscounted.) "Said" is one of those words that's horribly, horribly overused until it has no meaning.
  Long story short: Make your characters more interesting by actively avoiding "said".

Oof... we might have a difference of opinion on this one.

I don't like being wordy. I never use two words where one better word will do. I avoid adjectives and adverbs as much as possible.

"Said" is practical. I use it when a character says something. I'll use "shouted," "answered,"  or "whispered" where appropriate, but I try to convey the speakers expression through the dialog itself.

As much as I don't want to get flowery... You're dead right about it getting repetitive. The more recent chapters have a little more variety, but I'm definitely going to be more aware of this. Thanks for pointing it out.

EDIT: Oh crap.. Almost forgot... YES, the story is comprehensible as it is. The pacing seems like a good start, and it already seems like events are picking up.

Oh, thank the heavens.

[WhiteFox]

The next two oarts of my NaNoWriMo book.

Current total Wordcount: 7.7K (including Part 4, which is mostly written, but has yet to be posted)
I decided to go for 2K words a day, which leaves me a few days of leeway at the end of the month.... I'm starting to lag.

Feedback appreciated... Constructive comments aside, I have no idea if this story is, like, actually interesting. Or at all "good." 



   Ethan woke the next morning short on sleep: his visit with Burke had kept him fretting for half the night. His father wouldn't be impressed if Ethan had been up any later than dawn, though.
   He'd had a hard time going to sleep anyway... Burke's impending visit had kept him fretting for hours.
   Ethan stretched, and sat up in his cot. As the ships captain, it was a luxury. The rest of the crew got hammocks.
His own personal cabin, though cramped, was a luxury as well. He crossed the room in two steps, and started pulling clothes out of his wardrobe. He probably wasn't expected to wear anything flamboyant. His family owned half the largest shipyard in Graycliffe, but that was like owning the largest branch on a sapling. Graycliffe was a small community, in the middle of a remote and rarely frequented current of the ocean. The shipyard rarely had anything larger than a cruiser docked at their gantries, and the hangers were only large enough to accommodate airships half the size of the Ephenid. The only business that came passing through were usually courior ships stopping by for fuel and polish. The cities main work was small ship construction, sold on the open market.
   He dressed as he would for any day of work. First was a tight vest of silk with strips of steel riveted to it. The light armor protected him  from blades and fists as much as it had from occupational hazards of working on an airship. Then he put on a long sleeved shirt with loose sleeves that buttoned up at the wrist, and over that went a quilted leather tunic, with pockets on the outside and a layer of insulation on the inside. Heavy canvas trousers that widened at the cuffs, a belt with half a dozen pouches, and a pair of soft soled boots that laced up to the calves.
   The last thing he took out wasn't part of his usual dress. A white cap with a black brim, and a brass badge on the front with the heraldry of Baron Aruma. Regalia of a ships captain. It lacked the gold braid across the front that denoted command of a warship, but it had a striking presence regardless.
Ethan had to bribe an inspector to certify his ship as up to code. His engines were prototypes, and wouldn't have fallen under any existing classification, so there would have been no way to certifiy it. At the same time, he was loathe to let anyone take a close look at the Ephenid, so it was just as well that he'd had to dodge an actual inspection.
   Otherwise, his cap was completely valid. He'd run through all his own certification diligently. Done all the bureaucracy to have his vessel registered. Met with the baron in person, shook his hand, and received his charter. Even his father couldn't fault the fact that he had every right to sail his ship.
Ethan set his cap on his head, gave it a tug to straighten it, and turned to leave his cabin.

   As Ethan stepped into the galley, Deckan stepped up to meet him. The young boy had already assembled a tray of food, which sat waiting for the captain on one of the two long tables.
   "Captain." Deckan said. "The engines are cool, and I put the cap on the envelope."
Ethan wiped his face, as much to clear the sleep from his eyes as to hide his dismay. "Mmph. The cap will have to be taken off; I'll be giving someone a tour of the ship, and he'll need a good look at the envelope."
   The kid's eyes widened, and the white contrasted sharply against his heavily tanned skin and raven black mop of hair. "Sir?"
"A friend." Ethan explained. "I've known him since I was a child. I trust him."
   Deckan nodded. "Yes, sir." He turned to leave, but Ethan interrupted him..
   "Deckan, wait. Have you had breakfast?" He said.
   "No, sir. Not yet." Deckan answered.
   "Then sit. and eat." Ethan jabbed a finger toward the kitchen, then at the bench. Deckan nodded, and darted off to collect a meal for himself.
   Deckan was a lanky brat, all elbows and knees. Ethan fed him well, but the boy never seemed to put on weight. The boy was a Duner, a tribal people that lived on desolate stretches of sandbars. They were all a little long and gaunt than seemed normal for a human, but Ethan had assumed it was from lean eating. Deckan had been on the crew for three years, and fed well, but had gained more inches than pounds in all that time.
At least the boy dressed himself fully these days. It'd taken Ethan months to get him to wear more than a beech-clout and reeds.
Evan ate quickly, and took a moment to jot down a few phrases in his notebook while Deckan finished his meal. The boy ran both their trays back to the kitchen, and when he came  came back out Ethan waved for him to follow.
   "Deckan, I'll want you on hand today. Someone else can remove the cap." He said.
   Deckan nodded, and moved to stand beside and just behind the captain.
   Ethan stepped out of the mess hall, and down the main corridor of the ship. "Who's up and about right now?" He asked.
   "Peridal is on flag watch, Sestheese-Serin is scraping the hull." Deckan answered.
   A grin crept onto Ethan's face. "Well... since she's out there already, we might as well have Serin take the cap off."
   "Yes sir." Deckan said, and took off down the hall to pass Ethan's orders along.
   Ethan needlessly shuffled his cap to straighten it, and stepped lightly as he headed up on deck.

   "Peridal." Ethan said. "Pass me the flags for a moment."
   Peridal nodded, and handed Ethan the pair of semaphore flags that he'd been in charge of. Ethan stepped closer to the railing, and waved until he had the attention of the dock's flag watcher.
   Awaiting Y-M. Everette Ferrier. Ethan waved. Confirm present?
Presence of Y-M on terrace confirmed true. The yardman waved back. Confirm ready to receive?
   Readiness confirmed true. Ephenid captain disembarking. Ethan waved back. The yardman made a breif wave of acknowledgment.
   Ethan passed the flags back to Peridal. "Let everyone know they're on shore leave as soon as the gantries are put in place." He said. "I just have to go over the particulars with the yard master."
   A grin broke over Peridal's craggy, stubbed face. "Aye sir. They'll be glad t'hear it." He said. "Y'have any recommendations for a tavern?"
   "Why, Peridal, what makes you think I know the place?" Ethan said.
   Peridal crossed his arms. "I dunno, maybe because the yardman has the same accent with the flags as you do." He answered.
   Ethan shook his head. "A'right, then. I know a hole or two where your mug won't scare the ladies away. I'll show you there myself, after business with my father is taken care of."
   "That's just fine, as long as the ladies don't scare me away." Peridal said, and saluted with a quick flick near his temple. "Fair winds to your father."
   Ethan nodded. "I hope so... might have him in a better mood." He said.
   Ethan rolled up one sleeve and traced the cipher for his wings. When he finished, Peridal was offering him a hand.
   "Thank you, Peridal." Ethan said. He planted his foot on Peridal's palms, and braced one hand on the older crewman's shoulder.
   "Fair winds to you too, lad." Peridal said, and launched Ethan over the railing.
   Ethan circled around the Ephenid before he went for the terrace of the shipyard. The ship was parked up against the wall of the cliffs, waiting for the yardmen to swing out the catwalks and cranes that would let them work over the ship. He banked away at last, gliding over to the broad expanse of the shipyards main terrace, where dozens of yardies were already busying themselves with morning work.
   Ethan landed, and wiped the cipher off his arm. He saw Burke further down the yard... as well as his father. The family resemblance was strong: he shared the same straight nose, thick reddish brown hair, and muted green eyes. Ethan was notably shorter than his father and his jaw a little thinner, and he had his mother to thank for that. Otherwise, he was very much his father's son.
   Ethan straightened his tunic, and stood upright as he approached the two of them.
   "Father." He said, and made a curt nod of the head.
   "Captain Ferrier." His father answered, grinning. The tone caught Ethan off guard. He expected his father to brandish the title as a curse, not an accolade.
   The elder Farrier half turned to regard the Ephenid. "Burke made it sound like the ship was one of a kind. I don't see what sets her ahead of the fleet, though." He said.
   "Over this way." Ethan said, and headed down the terrace. "There's a facade we put over the nose of the envelope whenever we stop at port. It... dissuades curiosity over the unique design. I neglected to tell the crew we wouldn't be needing it here."
His father nodded. By the time they'd reached a proper vantage point to look at the front of the ship, Sestheese-Serin was more than half-way done retracting the collapsing framework that held the false patch of canvas in place.
   Everette voiced his reaction with one word: "Oh."
   Burke was a little more verbose. "Ethan... You're an idiot." He said. "You're a genius, but you're an idiot."
   "I thought we established that yesterday." Ethan said.
   "Yes, well, I had to see it for myself." Burke explained. "Your problem isn't drag. In cross section, the envelope is shaped like a wing."
   Ethan nodded. "Right."
   "It's a cylinder. The bottom is an upside down wing, and the sides are wings that point port and starboard. It's generating 'lift' that pulls the whole envelope outwards. It's wasting energy canceling itself out, and if you press it too hard it'll pull itself to pieces." Burke said. He scratched the back of his neck. "Really, I'm surprised it hasn't already. No wonder you have to keep the impeller strength low."
   Ethan digested this for a moment.
   "Oh," he said finally.
   "Ethan." Everette said. "Do you have notes for the engine ciphers?"
   Ethan nodded, and took out his notebook. It felt odd handing it to someone, after so many years he'd kept it so close to the chest .
   Everette flipped through it. "Your handwriting is a mess."
   "They're development notes, father. I keep a proper set of schematics in my cabin." Ethan said.
   "Why didn't you bring those?" His father asked.
   "I didn't think you'd want to see them." Ethan said.
Everette snapped out and smacked Ethan upside the back of the head with the notebook. "Of course I'd want to see them. The boat's in my dock, isn't it?" He was back to reading the notebook as quickly as he'd attacked Ethan with it. "You're using futhark?"
   "They're just development notes." Ethan said. "Futhark is faster to write."
   "Aye, and they're easy to misread when your hand is a mess." Everette said. He closed the book. "There's no point in taking notes you can't read later. Still... I'll be looking forward to looking over the engines." He said, and handed the notebook back to Ethan. "I'll have the foremen put the gantries in place, and as soon as they have the schematics, they can start scrubbing everything down." Everette started tracing a short cipher onto the back of one hand, then the other.
   Ethan coughed. "Father... uh, we should settle docking fees first, shouldn't we?"
   A gossamer sheet of iridescent material fell from the senior Farrier's wrists and finger. Everette waved to catch the attention of the docks flag watcher, and started waving orders swiftly. "Don't be absurd, Ethan." His father said, speaking at the same time as he waved. "You're family. I'm not going to charge my son for coming home."
   He finished waving, wiped the back of his hands, and nodded to Ethan in farewell. "Your mother is expecting to see you  around mid-day. Be sure to make some time for her."
   Ethan nodded in consent, and his father turned to leave without further ado. Ethan watched him leave, till he lost sight of him among the urgency of yardmen rushing to work.
   "That was... Straightforward." Ethan said.
   "Were you expecting more of a fuss?" Burke asked.
   "I dunno. I was expecting... something." Ethan said. "Anything at all, really."



   The massive wooden frameworks of the Kaleman-Ferrier shipyards swung outward from the cliff walls, and closed against the Ephenid like a gigantic spindly hand coming to rest. Yardmen began running along the catwalks, opening sections of the airships lower hull. As Ethan led Burke along, he saw his crew finally disembarking. The gaggle was in high spirits.
   Deckan scampered up to Ethan. "Captain. Sestheese-Serin is finished with the cap."
   Ethan nodded. "Is she still up in the rigging?"
   Deckan nodded. "At the moment."
   "Very well." Ethan said. "Run up to my cabin, get the schematics for the Ephenid, and run them out to the dock foreman."
   Deckan nodded again, and took off back up the catwalk. Even though it was just over a yard wide, and suspended two hundred feet above ocean waves that pounded sheer limestone rock face, the youth sprinted the whole way.
   "Ethan." Burke said. "Why do you have a Duner for a cabin boy?"
   "He's a smart kid," Ethan answered, "and he's the captains valet, not the cabin boy. I got him about three years back, and he's hasn't stopped being useful since."
   Burke looked at Ethan crosswise. "Wait. You 'got' him?"
   "Uh... yeah." Ethan said, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I crashed a fixed-wing craft on an atoll. The Duners there helped me put things back together for some rations. I found out Deckan saw patterns, so I showed him a thing or two about 'scripting and he gave me a hand fixing up the engines."
   "How did he end up with you then?" Burke said.
   "The Duners caught on that I found him useful, so... well, they traded him to me."
   Burke stopped in his tracks. "What?" He said. His tone was dead flat.
   "They traded him to me. A few brass tools, and a pair of knives."
"Ethan. You bought him?" Burke said. "I mean... really. You bought a person.[/i"
   Ethan held up his hands. "Burke, look, I know! I felt bad about it for weeks. Do you know how patterners in Duner tribes live? It would have been worse if I'd left him there!" Ethan said. "I treat him properly, and Deckan's never complained about shipping out with me. Besides, he's the only other 'scripter on the crew. He's the only one I've needed yet, too."
   Burke kept his eyes locked on Ethan for a moment, then continued walking. "'Deckan' doesn't sound like a Duner name."
"Um. It's not, I gave it to him. He didn't have a name when got him." Ethan said.
   "Why Deckan?" Burke asked.
   "It's short for 'deck hand.' We just kind of got used to calling him that."
   Burke looked over at Ethan again, but Ethan kept his eyes straight ahead, wordlessly.
   "Ethan." Burke said. "You're a terrible person."
   "You're going to wear my name out at this rate." Ethan said.
   "I'll get you a new one when I do." Burke said. "And you'll deserve it."

   As they reached the main deck of the Ephenid, Serin was just slithering down from the side of the envelope.
Ethan had known her for two years, so he was used to the sight, but Burke had never seen a Wave-snake before. He froze in shock, then jumped back even though Serin was several yards away still, coming down the opposite side of the ship. He was wild eyed and fumbling for a utility knife at his hip, but Ethan put a hand on his shoulder.
   "Burke, easy." Ethan said. This was the first time he'd seen Burke react to anything with something other than mild indifference.
   "Ethan! What the hell is that thing?!" Burke shouted.
   "Oh, that's right..." Ethan said. "You've never seen a wave snake before, have you?" He waved at the serpentine crewman. "Serin! Come over here and meet a  friend of mine!" He shouted across the deck.
   Sestheese-Serin twisted around to look at the captain. She wasn't on the rigging: her serpentine body from the ribcage down was coiled around one of the heavy cables that secured the gondola to the envelope. She writhed like a line of smoke as she settled onto the deck, and slithered over to the two of them. Her blue-green scales shone in the mid-morning sunlight, and back lit translucent membranes between her ribs and her upper arms, seemed to glow. Her head was a roughly human in shape except that her nose was flat across, little more than two ridges that came down from her eyes that ended in a pair of slits to breath through. Her eyes were almond shaped, and deep amber in colour. Without hips or a bust, the only hint of her gender was a languid swaying as she slithered.
   "This is crewman Serin." Ethan said. "Careful, Burke... She's bites, and she's venomous."
   Serin squinted at Ethan, irritated. "Ethan, would it please you not to jest of such as that." she said. She bowed to Burke. "Sestheese-Serin." She added, and stuck out her hand. Burke took it firmly. "Salutations, Burke." She nodded to Ethan. "I shall be making shore leave, captain. Fair winds." She said with a nod.
   "Fair winds." Ethan answered.
   Serin turned to leave, but approached the railing rather then the gangplank. She coiled, and sprung over the edge. She spread her arms, using the membranes to help her glide, and rolled into a mass of coils as she hit the terrace.
   Burke stared as she unfurled and slithered toward the main gates into Graycliffe. "That was..." He started, but after a moment or two passed he failed to finish.
   "Yeah." Ethan said. "She's like that. Come on, I'll take you up to the envelope." He said.
   "Is she really venomous?" Burke asked.
"Yes." Ethan said firmly. "She has six inch long fangs that fold back into her mouth."
   Burke blinked at Ethan for a moment, then gestured. "Shall we?" He said.
   Ethan nodded. "Let's."
Burke followed Ethan to the Ephinid's prow, and started scaling the rigging.
   "You were looking forward to that, weren't you?" Burke said.
   "No, actually." Ethan said. "I was looking forward to introducing her to my father, but he left before I had the chance to call her over."
   Burke climbed in silence for a moment, then: "You set that up, didn't you?"
   Ethan had a silent moment of his own. "Yeah... I did. Or I tried to, at least."
   "I doubt he would have been amused."
   "Probably not." Ethan replied.
   The rest of the climb was quiet.

   Burke took a good deal of time to examine and admire the inside of the envelope: the tunnel through the envelope was cavernous. Burke couldn't perceive patterns, so the permanently inscripted ciphers on the impellers were invisible to him, but they were an impressive sight anyway.   Impellers were rarely more than three yards across, and these were nearly five times that. Smooth amber stones the size of a grown man, suspended by ornate brass lattices, refracted the traces of sunlight that reached them onto the skin of the envelope. They traveled all the way up the rope bridge hanging in the center of the cavern, till Burke reached out and put a hand on the translucent ovoid.
   "Beautiful." Burke said. Ethan felt a swell of pride: Burke rarely made idle praise.  His hand lingered as it slid off the surface. "Why amber, and not industrial quartz?"
   Ethan shook his head. "Couldn't find any crystals large enough. These are artificial, actually. I took a vat of resin and ciphered it till it was solid enough for what I needed." He answered. "It's rough material to work with, but it does the job."
   "I didn't know you could permanently cipher a liquid." Burke said.
   "You can't. It'd have to be re-scripted constantly." Ethan replied. "After I applied a cipher that made the liquid resin solid, I added another one that kept solid resin solid, and removed the first. That was tricky."
   "I can imagine." Burke said and took a little more time to appreciate the elaborate structure.
   "The cipher only works for one particular type of resin." Ethan continued, just to fill the silence. "I had to go pretty far out on the Greenmire Current to just to find enough of it. That's where I picked up Deckan... Basima, too."
   Burke turned, ready to go. "Basima?" he asked.
"She's one of the crew." Ethan replied, and started heading back  out. "We passed her on the gantry: tall, olive skinned, green hair. A few facial piercings."
   Burke nodded. "I remember."
The trip to the engine room was brief: the swaths of filigree looked similar to any other ships engine, and since Burke couldn't read them, he couldn't see what made them unique. Ethan made a stop at his cabin to deposit his cap: wearing it always felt strange to him. They went back on deck after, where Ethan ciphered flight for both of them, and they spent a while circling the Ephenid. Burke looked over every inch of the hull of the gondola, the six smaller maneuvering impellers at the rear mounted on swiveling struts, and the cables that suspended the gondola from the balloon.
   After a few hours, Ethan ciphered a pair of flags the same as his father had, and waved to Burke: Mother expecting a visit. Must attend. He waved.
   Burke used his arms to waved the shorthand for "confirmed true," and Ethan banked towards the main terrace. Deckan, having delivered the Ephenid's schematics to the yards foreman, caught up with him as he landed.
   "Deckan, I'll be visiting my mother. You can stay on board the Ephenid if you wish."
   Deckan shook his head, Ethan nodded, and the two of them headed through the main gates leading to Graycliffe's city proper.



Notes:
-I'm using "cipher" as a noun when properly speaking, I should be using "ciphertext" or something along those lines. As a noun Cipher (by one definition of several) is a method of encryption, while an encrypted piece of material is ciphertext. Seeing as how I find "ciphertext" really cumbersome, I think I'm going to continue misusing "cipher" in it's place.
-There's more description of Graycliffe's interior in the next chapter. You can thank Drayco for that.
-Ditto for patterns, inscriptions, ciphers, phrases, runes, and Names. Ditto for Drayco.

[WhiteFox]

I'm just going to take a moment to enshrine my halloween avatar.
Skulls are fun to draw:


There's no higher res: that's the size it was drawn at.

[WhiteFox]

I've had a draft of this in progress for... about a year, I think. Recently, I figured out how to sum it up in four panels, so I did a comic for it.

WhiteFoxes' "How To Talk To Artists," Pt.1 How to say something useful.

I posted this in the Long Library, but I thought I'd post it here in case anyone had comments on it as a comic, as opposed to the material of the guide itself. So... discussion on the art/design here,  thoughts on it's content over there. I guess.

All the example comments are (closely) paraphrased from ones that I have gotten from people in the #wf_studios irc chatroom, on llearch.net. So, thanks to the people there for being cool-awesome to hang with.

[WhiteFox]

Pg. 1 of Gabriel's Backstory Comic (FA) [NSFW] Mild Nudity

95% of this was done on paper, with nib pens and india-ink. A number of dead black areas were added in photoshop (upper right corners of panel 5 and 6) because that much ink would have warped the paper. Did some minor touch-ups and the panels in Photoshop, too.

I jumped into a lot of new territory on this one. Trying things with perspective and panel borders, for one, and this is my first time doing any real hatching in ink (ran into a lot of problems, but figured most of them out by the time I was done with the page).

I can't believe the scanner didn't chew this up completely.

Anyway. I'd really like to hear what people think. A lot of spots are done in different ways, and I have no idea which ones work better than others.

15 pts if anyone figures out what I did with the perspective.

[Liatai]

Having seen this in progress, I can say that the completed shading adds a lot of depth to the comic. My eyes keep coming back to the bottom three panels, especially the fifth and seventh ones. The shading adds a lot to Gabriel's fur and clothes, too. He didn't look all that thin in the work-in-progress, but now, he looks somewhat under-nourished, and his clothes look kind of big on him.

The only thing that stood out at me as seeming a little off was his neck in the first panel; it looks a little long to me. All in all, though, awesome job, can't wait to see more!

[WhiteFox]

Having seen this in progress, I can say that the completed shading adds a lot of depth to the comic. My eyes keep coming back to the bottom three panels, especially the fifth and seventh ones. The shading adds a lot to Gabriel's fur and clothes, too. 

That's twice someone's mentioned panel five... I wasn't expecting that. Are there any particular places where the shading is more "meh," or "blah?"

He didn't look all that thin in the work-in-progress, but now, he looks somewhat under-nourished, and his clothes look kind of big on him.

Cool. I was hoping Gabriel's scrawniness would be understated... somewhere between bishie and emaciated.

The only thing that stood out at me as seeming a little off was his neck in the first panel; it looks a little long to me.

Extreme head poses seen from different angles, and the anatomy for them, is a pain in the neck... I'm moving that up on my hit-list of stuff to work on. Thanks for pointing it out.

[WhiteFox]

Page 2 of Gabriel's comic is up. Comments at FA. Right now, I need sleep.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4800960

...Thoughts?

(Isxarch's head did not turn out as I wanted. He's supposed to look more like this:

'Course, in this sketch, I hadn't quite worked out his "cheekbones." But still. You get the idea.)

[Lisky]

Right-o... i guess i'll start with, the black and white is really working for the comic.  It did in the first, and continues to work well.

The insectis commander seems to be based on a locust perhaps?  Any ideas as to how the markings are inscribed... is it something grafted to the exoskeleton or etched in?

In Panel 1, Gabe seems to be making a rather massive "Derp" face... is that because he's reacting to a sudden bright light?  Or, did i miss something?

Lastly... what happens when the Insectis molts? how deep are those rivets planted?

[WhiteFox]

The insectis commander seems to be based on a locust perhaps?

Mantis, originally. Through development he evolved quite a bit, and most of the surviving features aren't entirely clear from this angle. Plus, his head is so very misshapen on this page it's almost funny. It's supposed to be much more triangular.

He does look a lot like a locust at this point.

In Panel 1, Gabe seems to be making a rather massive "Derp" face...

That's the wince you make when you're about to say something directly to an authority figure they're really not going to like, but you know that if you break eye contact with them they'll grab you by the collar, hoist you five feet off the floor, and give you a good solid shaking.

Any ideas as to how the markings are inscribed... is it something grafted to the exoskeleton or etched in?

Lastly... what happens when the Insectis molts? how deep are those rivets planted?

These exact subjects are significant elements in the story, and they'll come up later. Pg. 5-6, maybe. Not sure. I haven't made an outline for the comic.

[WhiteFox]

Gabriel Comic, pg.3 (FA)

This page was... a bit of an adventure. Drew myself into a few corners, so to speak. I'm being a little more off the cuff with this comic then usual, so I was expecting that to happen sooner or later.

Anyway... I'd like to hear what people think. Comments/feedback/etc. appreciated.

[Tapewolf]

I certainly like your use of lighting in this series.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

... Am I right in understanding that his "excuse" in p2 was that he'd been told he was to finish his current task or else. And it took him 17 hours from that point - after which he collapsed. (Not really surprising, at that point)

[WhiteFox]

... Am I right in understanding that his "excuse" in p2 was that he'd been told he was to finish his current task or else. And it took him 17 hours from that point - after which he collapsed. (Not really surprising, at that point)

I kinda made up a unique system of time for the Insectis.

Meridian is noon, Nox-Meridian is midnight. Ante means before, Post means after. These are abbreviated as AM, PM, AN, and PN. That's pretty similar to the standard 12 hour time system, except that they have four groups of 6 hours in a day, instead of two groups of 12. A new day starts at midnight.

The major difference in the system is that during the "before" hours, the clock counts down. So, "3 hours ante-nox-Meridian" is "three hours until midnight," which in 12-hour time would be 9 o'clock. 3 AN like saying "Midnight in t-minus 3 hours."

I came up with this because in 12-hour time, 12 am is easy to confuse with 12 pm. 12 hours before noon is the same as 12 hours after noon. 24 hour time deals with this by going from 23:59 to 00:00 hours, so technically, it would never be 24 o'clock in 24-hour time. In the Insectis 6 hour time system, 6AN is the same moment as 6PM (as well as 6PM and 6AN), but it's impossible to confuse dawn and dusk, so it doesn't really matter. Watches, clocks, and time pieces have to be designed to take this into account, and different horologists handle fencepost errors of 6:00 and 0:00 in different ways.

I spent three afternoons designing a watch for the 6 hour time system, and it doesn't have a standard face or arms. It'll be a major element in... 4-5 more pages. I think.

Gabriel started yesterday at three hours before midnight, and worked until 2 hours after midnight today. So, five hours, in addition to the standard 12 hour workday (Which does include meals, so it hasn't been 17 hours ]i]straight[/i]). Morning shift starts at 6 PN, so its 4AM now (8AM, in 12 hour time). Gabriel's had 6 hours of sleep.



   So, I've been trying to develop a better method for drawing wingds on a humanoid figure for some time now. Like... two years. I've been making intermittent progress up until now, but I've hit a block.
   There are innumerate different ways to draw stylized wings... I can't work like that. I wish I could, actually, it'd be a lot faster and easier. If I were a half decent artist, I could adapt a stylized look for whatever I needed, but most stylizations only look good from one particular angle and pose. Artists who work stylistically develop a sort of library of  stock designs for things... I'm not consistent enough to work with a preset selection, and not flexible enough to come up with as many stock designs as I would need anyway.
   I work from life references. If I can get a picture of something, I can draw it. To do comics, I usually do a kajillion sketches and life studies and diagrams until I understand it well enough to add it to a comic.
   I'm at a point where I can draw wings pretty well... just not well enough to adapt them. So I figured I'd post a little essay on what I have so far.

   So... Say we have a guy. With wings. If I were ripping off Amber, I'd probably end up drawing them like this:

   Yeesh. See why I say I can't draw wings stylistically?
   Moving on tho... if I were to draw such a figure in a way I'm comfortable with, He'd look like this:

   Hey, that's not bad. I guess we're all done here.
   Oh, wait. Hold on... If I were to add in a hypothetical bone structure, it'd look like this:

   So, these are not realistic proportions for a bird's wing. The exact ratios vary depending on the bird, but usually the bicep and forearm are the same length. Here, the bicep is about 3 times as long.
   I don't have any trouble with bat wings, because those actually do have proportions along those lines: The forearms are about three times as long as the bicep, and the first segment of the fingers are about 3 times as long as the rest of the fingers.

   I've been doing that since DSoF#54. I use a ratio of 2:1 instead of 3:1 to make it more manageable, and the overall size of jade's wings change (yay, inconsistency) But in general, I know what needs fixing in that regard and I have a clear picture of how to fix it.
   So, okay, what happens if we straighten out the proportions? Lemme just go look for some ref pics...
   Huh... look at that. If a bird has their wings in that pose, elbows out and wrists up, 90% of the time they're making a threat display or about to take off. Crud... I'm rather particular about body language. I don't want my characters always looking like there in flight-or-flight mode.
   Okay... so what do the wings look like when a bird is at ease? Folded on the back, thusly:

   Which looks fine from the front, and has proper proportions, but they're hardly visible at all from the front.
   Compounding this, is that some poses are impossible to find ref pics for. Some are hard, like a picture of a bird from behind and above while they're flying. The body of a bird with their wings folded will block the view of their far wing. So, for the above pic, I don't know if it's possible to find reference images for the far wing.
   I've tried a lot of different things to work this out. Like, a lot. The far wing never looks right. For example: DSoF#62, last panel; DSoF#64, panel 2 and 4-6.
   It's just this one pose in particular. Almost any other pose I can handle (not very well, but I can handle it), but of course it's the relaxed/neutral position that's giving me hassle, which is the one pose a character will be drawn in most often. If I were to use subtle body language, it'd be based of this pose too.
   So... argh. Not sure what to do here. If anyone has any thoughts, observations, suggestions, WAG's, etc, I'd appreciate it.

[Tapewolf]

I'm probably missing something, but couldn't you just scale up the wings to Mab size, while retaining the proportions of the bones?

[Kipiru]

I'm probably missing something, but couldn't you just scale up the wings to Mab size, while retaining the proportions of the bones?

Thinking the same thing. And actually I believe that bigger wings are more believable as a means of flight, if you remove magic from the equasion.

[WhiteFox]

I'm probably missing something, but couldn't you just scale up the wings to Mab size, while retaining the proportions of the bones?

Don't I just wish it were that simple....

The key problem is that as long as the wing's wrist is level with the shoulder, it's hard to draw them clearly. They get that tacked on look. If I increase the overall size of the wings without altering the proportions, the bicep and forearm increase in length at the same rate, which means the wrist still ends up level with the shoulder. In every single picture of a bird that I have, regardless of what kind of wing geometry they have, the wrist always comes up to the base of the neck, so the higher up the wrists go, the less accurate my references become.

Stylized and/or disproportionate wings bring the wrist up above the shoulders, but those aren't really viable options for me (I've tried. The results aren't pretty).  Wings in a threat-display will bring the wrist up but muck up the body language at the same time, which I'm very particular about.

I'd be willing-ish to alter the proportions, except that by the time they're changed enough that they look alright, the wings are so different from real wings my ref pics don't compare anymore. That means I'd no longer be able to use life-refs for the wings in any other poses. If a character moved their wings, I'd have to shift the proportions towards realistic ones as they changed pose, which looks inconsistent; or keep the odd-ball proportions, which I don't have ref pics for, and ends up looking odd-ball anyway.

I tried closing the wings around the side of the character, rather than flat against the back. Even if the wings came up to the shoulder, they were still visible enough from most angles that they didn't look so tacked on... but the far wing never ended up looked right. I couldn't never figure out how to position it comfortably, and with no ref pics of a wing in that pose from that angle (since a bird's body blocks the view of the far wing), I couldn't figure out how the feathers would arrange (which is one reason wings ended up with so little detail in so many comics).

(I still draw batwings closed around the sides... the physical structure was easier to draw diagrams for and there's no uber-complicated feathers, so I was able to work something out. Plus, I actually found a few ref pics of bats in-that-pose-and-from-that-angle that were useful. Of course, the proportions for bat wings are much different than birds wings, so an idea that failed to fix my problem with bird wings worked for batwings that didn't have that problem to begin with. Joy.

Now I have to get back to doing studies of how the fingertips arrange themselves when the wings are closed, and how the folds of the membranes go.)

I tried placing them higher up on the back... they still looked tacked on. (eg: DSoF#62, last panel.)

I haven't been able to come up with any other options over the past couple of months.  

(If any of that was confusing, I can do a few sketches to show what I mean.)

Thinking the same thing. And actually I believe that bigger wings are more believable as a means of flight, if you remove magic from the equasion.

Honestly, I don't find large wings any more believable, since they just look that much more massive. To heck with flight, how do they even stand up? I can't even imagine the leverage of an XL wingspan.

I figure the overall size of a characters wings based on the actual proportions of the bird they're referenced from, by taking into account the ratio of the birds body-height to wing-span, and wingspan-to-breadth. Most birds have a height-to-wingspan ratio around 1:3, and the breadth of their wings depends on what style of flight they're adapted to. I use the characters torso height and those ratios to figure out the size of their wings.This makes the size of the wings "look right" for the character, since it approximates the size of the wings people are used to seeing on a flying bird.

Besides... If I just drew them bigger, it'd do the same thing they did in the last panel of DSoF#62. Undefined lumpy wing lumps.

If I wanted to do everything 100% realistically, I wouldn't be drawing furries in a fantasy setting to begin with. 'Course... I have a hard time drawing things without real life references, so I guess I put myself in a catch-22. didn't I? Nice move there, WhiteFox.

[Drayco84]

The key problem is that as long as the wing's wrist is level with the shoulder, it's hard to draw them clearly. They get that tacked on look. If I increase the overall size of the wings without altering the proportions, the bicep and forearm increase in length at the same rate, which means the wrist still ends up level with the shoulder. In every single picture of a bird that I have, regardless of what kind of wing geometry they have, the wrist always comes up to the base of the neck, so the higher up the wrists go, the less accurate my references become.

Stylized and/or disproportionate wings bring the wrist up above the shoulders, but those aren't really viable options for me (I've tried. The results aren't pretty).  Wings in a threat-display will bring the wrist up but muck up the body language at the same time, which I'm very particular about.

I'd be willing-ish to alter the proportions, except that by the time they're changed enough that they look alright, the wings are so different from real wings my ref pics don't compare anymore. That means I'd no longer be able to use life-refs for the wings in any other poses. If a character moved their wings, I'd have to shift the proportions towards realistic ones as they changed pose, which looks inconsistent; or keep the odd-ball proportions, which I don't have ref pics for, and ends up looking odd-ball anyway.

And that would be part of the basic problem with tacking wings unto a human. A bird has an overall "pear" or oval-like shape, while a human has... A humanoid shape. Bird wings fold in and make their body shape a little "fatter" while humans... Were NEVER meant to have an aerodynamic shape.

Personally, you could try lengthening the outer two bones a bit to make them look more flight-worthy, but bird wings and humanoid body shapes just aren't meant to mesh together. (I don't mean to drag you down WF, I'm just pointing out that, in terms of skeletal and muscular structure, you may have to do some inventing.)

I tried closing the wings around the side of the character, rather than flat against the back. Even if the wings came up to the shoulder, they were still visible enough from most angles that they didn't look so tacked on... but the far wing never ended up looked right. I couldn't never figure out how to position it comfortably, and with no ref pics of a wing in that pose from that angle (since a bird's body blocks the view of the far wing), I couldn't figure out how the feathers would arrange (which is one reason wings ended up with so little detail in so many comics).

(I still draw batwings closed around the sides... the physical structure was easier to draw diagrams for and there's no uber-complicated feathers, so I was able to work something out. Plus, I actually found a few ref pics of bats in-that-pose-and-from-that-angle that were useful. Of course, the proportions for bat wings are much different than birds wings, so an idea that failed to fix my problem with bird wings worked for batwings that didn't have that problem to begin with. Joy.

Now I have to get back to doing studies of how the fingertips arrange themselves when the wings are closed, and how the folds of the membranes go.)

It also doesn't help that bird wings just AREN'T meant to bend that way. Bat wings, however, are equipped with that range of motion. (See bats at rest vs. birds at rest. Bat wings wrap around the body, while bird wings fold against it.) Bat wings are also essentially arms with super-long fingers that "cup" or hold a mass of air. While bird wings do the same, their design is completely different.

Honestly, I don't find large wings any more believable, since they just look that much more massive. To heck with flight, how do they even stand up? I can't even imagine the leverage of an XL wingspan.

That's part of why bird wings have hollow bones. Plus, the wings themselves don't actually weigh all that much. (Most of the size comes from skin, and those big feathers you love to draw so much. ) Most of the muscles responsible for actually moving the wing up and down is located in the back, IIRC. (Maybe the breast, which would help counter-balance.)

I figure the overall size of a characters wings based on the actual proportions of the bird they're referenced from, by taking into account the ratio of the birds body-height to wing-span, and wingspan-to-breadth. Most birds have a height-to-wingspan ratio around 1:3, and the breadth of their wings depends on what style of flight they're adapted to. I use the characters torso height and those ratios to figure out the size of their wings.This makes the size of the wings "look right" for the character, since it approximates the size of the wings people are used to seeing on a flying bird.

Besides... If I just drew them bigger, it'd do the same thing they did in the last panel of DSoF#62. Undefined lumpy wing lumps.

If I wanted to do everything 100% realistically, I wouldn't be drawing furries in a fantasy setting to begin with. 'Course... I have a hard time drawing things without real life references, so I guess I put myself in a catch-22. didn't I? Nice move there, WhiteFox.

No, most birds have a wing-to-height ratio of 2:3 or 1:2, especially the larger, predatory birds like eagles. (Who are quite capable of carrying off prey.)
One thing I just noticed (And checked through the archives of the comic for.) Is a distinct LACK of avian characters. I dunno if it would be worthwhile to try adapting avians to humanoid shape and THEN try to handle wings or not.

I dunno if this is helping or not as I'm just noting observations and throwing stuff out there. (Most likely, quite blindly.)

EDIT: Dammit... Halfway through the post and I lost all focus, also losing the points I was going to make... Now I'm highly annoyed...

[WhiteFox]

No, most birds have a wing-to-height ratio of 2:3 or 1:2, especially the larger, predatory birds like eagles. (Who are quite capable of carrying off prey.)

Just to make sure we're on the same page... When I say "wingspan," I mean the distance from wingtip to wingtip. If you thought I mean the distance from the wingtip to the shoulder, it'd be about the same ratio.

Quick comparison:

Character:	Wing Model:	Torso to Wingspan:	Torso to Wing:
Theonor	Finch	1:2.5	1:1.25
Felix	Raven	1:3	1:1.5
Emiline	Great Frigate Bird	1:4	1:2

So, most of my characters fall within the 2:3 to 1:2 range.

One thing I just noticed (And checked through the archives of the comic for.) Is a distinct LACK of avian characters. I dunno if it would be worthwhile to try adapting avians to humanoid shape and THEN try to handle wings or not.

I have to do a lot of studies to figure out how to draw a given species of animal. Once I practice with one species, though, it's that much easier to draw similar ones. After enough time with cats, it wasn't hard to figure out dogs, bears, and foxes. Drawing rats made drawing rabbits, squirrels, and muskrats easier.

Starting on entirely different species presents a steeper learning curve since they're so dissimilar to what I've done so far. I haven't been idle, though... there are a number of avian and reptilian characters who are just waiting to be introduced, and with Gabriel's comic I've been doing a lot with insects.

I'm rambling now, though.

I dunno if this is helping or not as I'm just noting observations and throwing stuff out there. (Most likely, quite blindly.)

I'm not sure how you can make observations blindly (rimshot).

It is helping, actually. You never know what will spark an idea, so random throwing is all good, and as a fresh point of view is... refreshing. There's a few points that make me think, yes, I know, and I've been aware of it for a couple of years now, but bringing them up sometimes makes me look at them from a different angle.

For example, when you mentioned adapting avians to a bipedal figure, it occurred to me that I didn't have any trouble adapting avians designs to a quadrupedal figure, eg: gryphons. The shoulders of most quadrupedal mammals are much narrower, so the wings can lay comfortably against the sides.

I went looking for the technical term for an animal with a scapula set vertically, and in the process found some very informative articles on Anatomical Terms of Location, Centauroid Creatures, and a multitude of skeletal diagrams and pictures to round out my current library (like this one).

I don't know if this will get me any closer to figuring out how to put wings on a humanoid figure, nor have I found the term for a vertically positioned scapula, but it's been an informative trip. I'll have to try sketching around with narrow shoulders on bipeds figures: I probably won't draw all winged creatures like that, but it might be suitable for the primarily bird-like ones, like Gryphon A's and Phoenix B's.

Which, it occurs to me as I typed that, may develop into a solution to my primary issue. Even if I don't have a solution, at least I have a new lead.

So, thanks for the comments. They're much appreciated.

[WhiteFox]

Gabriel, pg.4

Ugh. This took way too long to get off my desk. Lotsa time on the editing board.

My scanner is such a pain... the lines keep coming in as a dark shade of gray rather than black. It's not hard to fix using levels, but the image quality suffers for it.

Comments, critique, and feedback appreciated.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

I feel I should point out, as a personal request[1], that it might be beneficial to have links in the FA commentary for each page to the previous page. Given the time lapse between each strip, one likes to go back and refresh one's memory on the previous happenings, and that's somewhat difficult. Not impossible, but it did take five or six clicks to get there, and the concomitant waiting for pages to load...

Just a thought.

Other than that, I did like the critique of the foreman. I felt it was slightly at odds with the emphasis in the previous strip by Isxarch when speaking to Gabriel, though; if he was that annoyed at Gabriel, why is he now calm and collected when tearing a strip off Carrel? The "action panel" in the first panel of strip 3 shows him apparently severely vexed with Gabriel, and yet today's strip appears to clarify that as irritation with Carrel, yet his pose contradicts that.

Just a thought, there. Maybe it's not quite what you meant, maybe it is, but that's what I drew from it.

[1] ie, this isn't moderator-command, this is just a suggestion; purely for clarity's sake

[WhiteFox]

...and the concomitant waiting...

(Checks dictionary) That's a new one... I'm keeping it.

I feel I should point out, as a personal request[1], that it might be beneficial to have links in the FA commentary for each page to the previous page.

Blarg... I keep meaning to do that. FA has tags for comic navigation, but I find them a pain. Keeping the syntax and page links straight is onerous, and they're the last thing I want to deal with after the stress of getting a comic page posted.

...if he was that annoyed at Gabriel, why is he now calm and collected when tearing a strip off Carrel?

...Maybe it's not quite what you meant, maybe it is, but that's what I drew from it.

You've read Isxarch correctly. He's vexxed with Gabriel, and calm and collected when tearing a strip off Carrel.

Isxarch is holding each of them accountable for their conduct. It's not Gabriel's fault that Carrel's orders were impossible to follow, and wasn't at fault for actually following them... but it's not Carrel's fault that Gabriel fell asleep in the manifold, was late the next morning, and hadn't gotten a shower or fresh uniform.

As for why Isxarch vexxed with Gabriel but collected with Carrel... there's underlying reasons for that, and it's more than just a few broken rules.

Sorry if this is an oblique answer. I'm actually really glad you mentioned this, because it was exactly the intended meaning, and I'm glad it came across. Though... I guess it was a bit confusing. Partial victory.

[EDIT] uploaded a higher-res and textless version of the central panel to scraps: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5110954/

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

...and the concomitant waiting...

(Checks dictionary) That's a new one... I'm keeping it.

You can't have it, it's mine, my precious. All mine.

... I can let you take a photostat of it, though. ;-]

You've read Isxarch correctly. He's vexxed with Gabriel, and calm and collected when tearing a strip off Carrel.

Isxarch is holding each of them accountable for their conduct. It's not Gabriel's fault that Carrel's orders were impossible to follow, and wasn't at fault for actually following them... but it's not Carrel's fault that Gabriel fell asleep in the manifold, was late the next morning, and hadn't gotten a shower or fresh uniform.

As for why Isxarch vexxed with Gabriel but collected with Carrel... there's underlying reasons for that, and it's more than just a few broken rules.

Hrm. It seems somewhat unreasonable to me to expect someone to be calm, collected, having showered and dressed... after, what, six hours sleep and a 17 hour day? If he got to go back to his quarters, he wouldn't have had even that, I presume; if he was on time, he'd have had something like three to four, at most; I'm presuming an hour or so to complete ablutions and breaking of his fast.

I figure he's got to have been working rather hard for a day like that to take him out - I can do that sort of thing without usually passing out on my desk; I may not be normal in this regard, I'll admit, but I'm not _that_ abnormal, I'd have thought...

Sorry if this is an oblique answer. I'm actually really glad you mentioned this, because it was exactly the intended meaning, and I'm glad it came across. Though... I guess it was a bit confusing. Partial victory.

Oh, oblique answers are fine. I'm not asking you to explain at all. Merely... clarifying that this was, indeed, the message you were attempting to communicate. Since you've confirmed that yes, he's supposed to be severely pissed at Gabriel (whom I gather he considers might actually be worth the time spent educating him) and mildly irritated at Carrel (whom he considers might be worth the effort of scraping him off his shoe, on a good day), it makes sense.

I shall wait and see what happens next.


... and I can understand the annoyance of the tags. Want me to look into it and see if I can't figure out a way to explain it to you, so it makes more sense?

[WhiteFox]

You can't have it, it's mine, my precious. All mine.

... I can let you take a photostat of it, though. ;-]

Oh, no need to trouble yourself... I'll just plagiarize it.

Hrm. It seems somewhat unreasonable to me to expect someone to be calm, collected, having showered and dressed... after, what, six hours sleep and a 17 hour day?

More like 2-3 hours. Reveille is at five.

Isxarch has his own definition of "reasonable."

Since you've confirmed that yes, he's supposed to be severely pissed at Gabriel (whom I gather he considers might actually be worth the time spent educating him) and mildly irritated at Carrel (whom he considers might be worth the effort of scraping him off his shoe, on a good day), it makes sense.

I just want to say... having intelligent readers is awesome. I have a few friends IRL who don't understand this stuff after 3 hours of explaining.

"Friends" might be too strong a word.

... and I can understand the annoyance of the tags. Want me to look into it and see if I can't figure out a way to explain it to you, so it makes more sense?

I have it figured out... I'm just really good at losing track of which pages are what submission number, and I always mix up the syntax (I keep thinking the order is "Next, First, Prev," when it's actually "Prev, First, Next." I have no clue how I could possibly have gotten this misconception).

Navigation tags have been added.

[WhiteFox]

Gabriel, pg.5

Took me less than a month to finish this time... go me.

Only thing I majorly screwed up was the perspective in the bottom left panel: the two-point perspective looks skewed. Should have stuck with 1-point. Made a few minor screw ups (as mentioned in the FA post), but for the most part I had fun with this page.

Anyway... Comments and critique very much appreciated.

[Inumo]

Nice job! Gabriel crawling around inside the machinery put a smile on my face. I'm not entirely sure what you mean about the two-point perspective in the bottom left panel, though; did you try and have a distant horizontal one as well as a vertical one? If so, I can see what you mean; I think the point was a bit too far down for it to work, since it makes it seem like everything's really tall.

Aside from that, love the watch. Did you decide if it was magical or mechanical, or would you rather leave it ambiguous?

[WhiteFox]

Nice job! Gabriel crawling around inside the machinery put a smile on my face.

The panel on the middle-left was inspired by a trip I took to my dad's workplace. I got to crawl inside a few things to take pictures, and I could just imagine was what it'd be like to climb into the thing and work on it. If it had been on at the time? An inch in the wrong direction, and bam! 250kW right in the kisser. It gave me an appreciation for Gabe's situation.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean about the two-point perspective in the bottom left panel, though; did you try and have a distant horizontal one as well as a vertical one? If so, I can see what you mean; I think the point was a bit too far down for it to work, since it makes it seem like everything's really tall.

It's supposed to look really tall, actually. I was going for around 2 or 2.5 stories.

The perspective makes the wall seem to "twist" as it goes from right to left. The perspective on the wall is technically accurate, I think, but it looks funny. If I'd used one-point perspective, it probably wouldn't look so bent.

Aside from that, love the watch. Did you decide if it was magical or mechanical, or would you rather leave it ambiguous?

The watch has a magical battery of arcane energy, but the remaining components are mundane. The piezoelectric crystal oscillator would be incorrectly assumed to be magical in the comic world, since it's advanced technology in this setting (Clark's third law), as well as the fact that people generally assume crystals are magic.

The piezoelectric crystal is an Insectis-only widget, made possible by their affinity with earth-based magics. It's artificially fabricated through arcane processes, but the crystal itself is non-magical.

No, there won't be a test on this later.

[WhiteFox]

How To Talk To Artists, part 2 (FA)

Page 1, Page 2, Page 3 (Personal Hosting)

Open to discussion, critique, and questions.

[GabrielsThoughts]

why is there no push for objectivity in an analysis of an artists work?

I would think that would be the first thing an artitst would want in a legitimate response. I can't take a reviewer seriously otherwise. There's too many ethnocentric morons who don't know beans about cultural relativism nor enough about history of narrative, expresionism, structure, or even pop culture. I especially find reviewers that hold stupid closed minded beliefs, such as  "purpose" and "utility" especially laughable.  If purpose is limited specifically to  "entertainment or intellectual stimulation," then why are creative intelligence, analytical intelligence, expressive intelligence, problem solving intelligence, and perceptual intelligence completely overlooked in a work of fiction or other work of art?  


I find people who judge an artists current ability based on something that was created more decade ago particularly ignorant. They get bonus points if they accuse others of being lazy.