[Writing] Story time (Updated 04/02/2010)

[Raskahn]

After years of sitting on my butt doing next to nothing, i finally decided to try my hand at writing.

Follow the link to my DA and take a peek at chapter one.

http://lonewolf1983.deviantart.com/art/Chapter-one-no-more-lies-158995519

Edit:

Completed two more pages. I have tried to implement some of the feedback into this part and hope it shows.

http://lonewolf1983.deviantart.com/art/Chapter-one-part-two-159257211

[Tapewolf]

Looking good.  There are a few places whether the language and writing could be tightened up a bit, but I was like that too when I started out.  One thing that did confuse me a little was that I thought his clan mark had appeared, and I was wondering where on his body it was, but you were actually referring to the headwings.

It is a little short, I usually aim for at least 10'000 characters per chapter, yours came in a little under that I think.
Anyway, I'll certainly be interested to see where this goes.

[Raskahn]

Thanks for the feedback

I am aware of the chapter being a bit on the shortside, this will likely change as the story evolves. as for the language. English isn't my first language so I have to rely on spell checks a bit. not using Word with an internal spell check provides a bit of a problem but that will be fixed soon when i can swipe a CD with the software.

There are still a lot of details that need to be worked out as the story progresses. (the clan mark being one of them)
But, I'm lucky to have a job which allows me to daydream a little, and it is my day dreaming that fuels the writing fire so to say. The next part will be put in writing after I get back from work.

At this point only the major events are set. All the little things that happen such as the swimming incident, pop up in my mind during writing or on my short cigarette breaks. I find it quite the challenge to set things off without being too straightforward or getting the feeling I'm rushing the story.

[Drayco84]

I am aware of the chapter being a bit on the shortside, this will likely change as the story evolves. as for the language. English isn't my first language so I have to rely on spell checks a bit. not using Word with an internal spell check provides a bit of a problem but that will be fixed soon when i can swipe a CD with the software.

OpenOffice is awesome. Get it here: http://www.openoffice.org/
And English isn't your first language? Wow, you sure had me fooled... (I thought it was your primary language...)

There are still a lot of details that need to be worked out as the story progresses. (the clan mark being one of them)
But, I'm lucky to have a job which allows me to daydream a little, and it is my day dreaming that fuels the writing fire so to say. The next part will be put in writing after I get back from work.

Good for you. The last job I had not only didn't allow day-dreaming, but it sucked out your soul, through your nose!

[Ketchup-Crumbles]

To me it looked good so far. English is not my first language either (first language is German), but having both of my parents asking me regularly for spell and grammar check (as German is not their first language) made me be extra attentive to such things. So there is my excuse for me being picky (I'll likely make a fool of myself, now I said that...)

I'm not sure I noticed any huge spelling mistakes (mainly small i's, when there should have been capital ones and similar capitalisation cases). Very few phrases seemed a bit "translated" to me. (I'll go back later and find those, it was really just one or two?)

My two major "negative" points:

One, maybe you could have written a brief introduction here, as to what we should expect as readers. (I had no idea what was coming, it could have been any genre, so, as I didn't know what to expect it "threw me off guard" and maybe made me take a little longer than necessary to grasp the whole situation.)

Two, maybe due to the point mentioned above, I couldn't quite place the characters, mainly the father. The first two paragraphs make him look grumpy and easily upset. With this introduction the clothes-stealing-action gets an almost malicious note, which doesn't fit with the way he seems to miss his wife. And with the regretting way he tells his son the truth, I'm not sure, if he is supposed to be on the good or bad side.
If that's intentional, then you've achieved your goal, but if you want to place him more on the good or bad side, either make him speak/seem more carefree about the "loss" of his wife or less upset at minor faults of his son.

That said, you got me curious =) I want to know what happens next, and which way the story will go. And grats for finally starting I know, it takes some courage and self-motivating to really start other than just sit and think about starting and what one would do, if he/she ever started.

~Ketchup-Crumbles

PS: I wouldn't worry about the chapter length... One of my favourite books ("Holes", Louis Sachar) has very varying chapter lengths and it actually adds to the story =)
PPS: After rereading my post 5 times and spell-checking it at least 3 times, I think, I can post it?

[WhiteFox]

The writing seems to rush through everything, and sounds awfully stilted.

[Raskahn]

The writing seems to rush through everything, and sounds awfully stilted.

I'll make sure to put some detailed information of the 50 different kinds of trees in the forest in the next chapter. 

[Drayco84]

I think he's referring to the lack of descriptions for the characters. Things like fur and eye color, clothes they're wearing, heck, there's not even a mention of what species the characters are. (Feline, wolf, sheep, rabbit, etc.)

In short, there's no "image" for the characters.

EDIT: Oh, and don't use quotes for a character's thoughts. (I thought he was speaking at first.)

Don't get me wrong, it's a good start, but it looks like it needs some... Rewriting... (And I personally hate rewriting. On the other hand, the results are usually worth it.)

And yes, I'm aware that it looks like I'm taking sides with WhiteFox. I just wasn't in the mood to make a constructive post before. And by 'constructive post', I mean 'critique that didn't sound openly hostile'. I'm terrible at that... Too much anger and I may have been tired, which means I get careless.

[WhiteFox]

I'll make sure to put some detailed information of the 50 different kinds of trees in the forest in the next chapter.  

Describing the forrest for all its trees is one thing, stopping to smell the roses is another.  

There's nothing wrong with the setting, characters, or story itself. It all goes by so quickly, though, that there isn't any time taken to appreciate any of it. I don't think the story needs more detail, it just needs to take more time on the details it has.

In short, there's no "image" for the characters.

Something like that, yeah.

Don't get me wrong, it's a good start, but it looks like it needs some... Rewriting... (And I personally hate rewriting. On the other hand, the results are usually worth it.)

"Blot out, correct, insert, refine,
Enlarge, diminish, interline;
Be mindful , when invention fails,
to scratch your head, and bite your nails."
-Jonathan Swift

I don't show anyone anything that hasn't been through at least three drafts, edits, or revisions.

And by 'constructive post', I mean 'critique that didn't sound openly hostile'.

Critique is neutral observation. Criticism is accurate, but hostile.

[Raskahn]

i very much appreciate the feedback guys, it has given me a lot of new insights to imply with the upcoming chapter(s)
I had no illusion, when I started writing, that I'd "get it right" from the start and the motivation behind posting this first bit so early was to gather feedback to use while writing the next part.

My goal in the end is, as with most creative projects, to find an outlet for my ideas and hopefully entertain some others in the process as well.

I see this story and the characters as an old steam engine, it takes a while to get some momentum but when it's finally moving...

Cheers.

Edit: Openoffice is up and running and it has deleted the spelling mistakes. I uploaded the corrected version now and changed the chapter length. it is now officially part one of chapter one. part two is well underway with already 7116 characters. if all goes well it should top part one with a good margin.

[Drayco84]

"What was it she." I tried to ask.

I usually use hyphens to indicate that one character is cutting another off. Since it's not a complete sentence, it just doesn't make sense to use a period. (At least, not to me anyways.)

Another thing I've heard is that you should start a new paragraph when you switch speakers. This makes things less confusing during arguments, although more annoying to the writer. You can see an example of it HERE. (/End Shameless Self-Promotion.) Just keep in mind that it's the ending of the first chapter and nothing's going to make sense. (I also have huge-ass frickin' chapters.)

Dad had spent a good...

If war did break out we'd be safe.

Spell check is usually your friend, but not always.
EDIT: Stupid me! Use Wiktionary if you're not already. Since you've got enough mastery of English to write with it, it should help.

EDIT 2: Rewrote last section. It's much simpler now.

[Raskahn]

Writing is on a break as my Harddisk decided to kill it self. Got a new one but I'm having some trouble with random system reboots. I will sort the problem(s) out in time (hopefully)

[WhiteFox]

Writing is on break...

Comments on break until writing resumes.

[Raskahn]

Writing is on break...

Comments on "a" break until writing resumes.

Fixed...