The Siren's Cry (Pirate Story by Xze/Partof ch1 up/Blood&gore\

[Nikki]

Where do everyone else come  in?

This basically kinda trying to tell -Why- Xze's a pirate. everyone else starts coming in next chapter.

[Kio]

okay cool

[Mel Dragonkitty]

Most word processing software has a thesaurus function. If you're stuck for a word put in something almost right then use the thesaurus to see if it will give you something that fits better. That is what I do.

[Nikki]

all i have is wordpad..and i don't think it even has spellcheck!

[Malakin]

Check this out: http://thesaurus.reference.com/ And http://dictionary.reference.com/
I use these all the time, very usefull!

I would also sugest useing wikipidia to reserch information on the stuff you write about, a better understanding of whatever you are writing about allways helps
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

[Nikki]

Aye..i'll do that...

[Mel Dragonkitty]

When you get to your first college writing class you'll discover that every story gets written at least three times (teacher review, peer review, final version) so you're doing excellent for first draft. (At least we're a nice peer group, I had a b**** in mine who always said nasty things to make people feel stupid).

[Gareeku]

pretty good writing there, Xze. The only thing I would say is that you seem to be overloading on the voilence and gore front, seemingly putting it in the level of detail just for the sake of it. Other than that, good work.

[Nikki]

pretty good writing there, Xze. The only thing I would say is that you seem to be overloading on the voilence and gore front, seemingly putting it in the level of detail just for the sake of it. Other than that, good work.

i know... >w< i pwomise to cut down teh next chapter...

[Lysander]

Such a lovely night. Great learning experience to discover one's own abilities. Little Xze can be just as freaky as what she sees.

And since you typed to inform about possible errors, here be the ones I found:

The only one left is xzeliea's Father's friend,

Xzeliea's

"Let 'er. she should learn" He says.

She should learn," he

"Starboard is right!" she sya porudly.

says proudly

She taught mw the proper way to catch fish,

me

"Now...wehere was i...Ah, yes.

where

hugging his daughter toghtly.

tightly

quietly. when there is no answer,

When

floor. she walks up the

She

to say. xzeliea walks over

Xzeliea

Code Select Expand

[b]"there's[/b]...no...no chance, Xzel...""There's

her cickle claws tearing at his abdomen,

sickle
Also, if it matters, the "i" as a word is never capitalized.

Tobias manages a slight chuckle before wincing in extreme pain. "there's...no...no chance, Xzel..." He says. "Just...promise...promise me...promise me that you will...never give up...and follow...follow your dreams..." he says.

In places like the one aboce, you could leave out the second "he says"

[Nikki]

Dankies =3

[James StarRunner]

That's the first story you've done? That's great for your first one! Of course as pointed out, there is room for improvement. Giving detail is good, but too much detracts from the story.

[Nikki]

ok so...lower the details about certain things?

If i wanna describe a character, however, should i do it the way i've been doing?

[James StarRunner]

That's actually what stuck out to me the most is the mass amount of character detail. I've give a breif description of the more easilly appearent things that most people would notice at a first glance.

[Nikki]

hmmm....so...gimme an example? XDDD

[James StarRunner]

Her muzzle is wolf-like, but her ears are that of a fox. From her back sprout small black and red dragon wings, and she has an extremely long and fluffy cat-like tail.. Her feet are like her father's, but the sickle claw is slightly larger than it is supposed to be. Her black Fur shines and the purple markings, two stripes on each side her face, a stripe down the middle of her tail, and a crescent-moon marking over her left eyes, glow slightly. Her right eye is golden with a slitted pupil, but the left is light blue with no pupil at all. Like her Father, her hair is black, but instead of blue at the tips, red trickles down from the top. Both father and daughter wear brown ragged trousers and white shirts.

It's apparent that Xze is no ordinary creature, but a hybrid of many forms. Red dragon wings sprout from the figure with a wolf's head, fox ears, and her striped fluffy feline tail. The purple striped markings on her face and red tips of her hair are accented against her black fur and hair. Xze's eye of gold and eye of light blue gaze through the ship as both she and her father roam the ship, each dressed in matching work clothes of brown trousers and white shirts.

It's pretty hard to cut it down with such a unique character, but I cut it down to about 2/3 and had some roaming already going on. If you want to specify the details more, you can do it further in the story.

(Ex:) As the pirate looked into Xze's eyes, he was unnerved when he noticed that despite her having different coloured eyed that her gold eye had a slitted pupil and her blue one had none at all.

[Nikki]

oh!! i get it!!

[Nikki]

Next chapter WILL be up this weekend or may i be forced to draw pr0n for a random forumite X3

[Kio]

Ewwww....

[Paladin Sheppard]

<<
>>
Mwhahahaha

[Kio]

Was....it....you?  Or was it that Clinton Guy?

[Nikki]

<<
>>
Mwhahahaha

don't even think about it XP

[Nikki]

hokay guys. i didn't get the story up.

Come and request pr0n from me TT~TT

this is all i have..:

Chapter ~1~: PIRATES!!
   Nathan Shivers in the small, wet cave. Being stuck on an island of Amazons was not the paradise he had imagined. His grey-brown hair is sopping wet, as is his fur, the brown almost indistinguishable from the black patches. As the wolf adjusts his blue coat, a head appears in the entrance.

   "Found 'im!!" A female's voice shrieks. Nathan's neck fur rises, but he barrels out of the cave, drawing his pistol and blowing the head off of the scantily-clad female Coyote.

   Running onto the beach, Nathan chances a look back and sees a group of scantily-clad females, led by a white dragoness, her face smeared with fresh blood. Nathan runs faster.

   Soon, he spots a large ship, at least a 20-gunner, beached because of the low tide, getting ready to set sail as soon as the tide rises. A cry of triumph rises in his throat, but dies down as he notices the flag; a Jolly Roger. he turns and looks at the Amazons again, then back at the ship. Between Being forced into a lifetime of work, punishment, beatings and Pirates...He'd take the pirates.

   He runs faster and hurries to scramble up the side of the ship, but once again looks down and sees the Dragoness spread her wings. as he prepares to to concede defeat, the Dragoness is knocked down following a gunshot. He looks up and spots a grey wolfess, her long curly dark brown hair tied up with a light green ribbon.

   "Hurry you Fool!!" she yells, firing her pistol again. Nathan nods and scrambles frantically up the ship, jumping over the rails and collapsing onto the deck. The grey wolf picks him up and shoves him into the arms of a black and silver fox with Blue hair. The fox smiles at him as the Grey wolf keeps shooting at the amazons. "Vincent!! Ammo!" The female shouts. the Fox, Vincent, Promptly drops Nathan and runs towards the female as a voice rings out "At least 'wenty more comin', Artemesia!".

   Nathan looks up and sees a short fox holding up his brown mop of hair to look at the grey female with blue eyes.As he stares, someone knocks him to the ground. "Watch it!" Nathan snarls, but regrets it as a light grey Hyena snarls in his face "I WAS watching it, i wasn't watching you!" he hisses, his grey fur standing on end. he rushes away again after speaking to Vincent, who scowls and looks at Nathan worriedly. About to Ask what was going on, Nathan's shoulder is gripped by Artemesia.

   "Better Hide, Mate." she says sternly just before she shoves him behind a

I'll finish it this week, but i am now yer pr0n slave for now, since thats what i promised TT~TT

[Kio]

Awww...I ODN'T WANT PR0N I WANT STORY!

[Gareeku]

>_>

<_<

*requests porn*

Looking good so far, Xze.

[Lysander]

Mwahahaha. Action/violence given in a nice way. And that cliffhager, mid-sentance. It doesn't get any better than that.

Here's an attempt to correct typos and stuff, hopefully this time there won't be too many of my own:

Dragoness spread her wings.as he prepares to to concede defeat,

As

The female shouts. the Fox, Vincent,

The

a voice rings out "At least 'wenty

out, "At

blue eyes.As he stares,

eyes. As

snarls in his face "I WAS watching it,

face, "I WAS

"Better Hide, Mate." she says sternly

hide, mate."

[Miaka]

I like it so far! ^-^ Aside from a few grammar errors, which lysander pointed out, it's pretty good.

[Nikki]

>_>

<_<

*requests porn*

Looking good so far, Xze.

lol, message me n we'll talk business ^^;;

[Gareeku]

*grins evilly* excellent...

[Mel Dragonkitty]

Very nice Xze. But killing that white dragon scared my character into hiding.

<Yells towards the bed where the tip of a white dragon tail is just showing, "Will you come out from under there. Xze didn't kill you.">