Ha - Ha - Halloween

[Mitzi]

I apologize for interrupting any important discussions (fat chance, right?) on this forum, but my sister e-mailed me a Halloween joke this morning and I thought I'd pass it along -


A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he
hears:

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward
him.


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him


FASTER...


FASTER...


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.


However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping


Clappity-BUMP...


Clappity-BUMP...


Clappity-BUMP...


On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
But all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!


Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


And,(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)*

*
*
*
*


The coffin stops.

(Sorry about that; we now return you to your regular programming) - Mitzi

[bill]

Moved to General. Carry on.


(As for the joke, it made me want to kill some cute woodland critters, which I assume was the intended effect)

[Tiger_T]

*groan*

Caught on the pun! LOL!

[Roureem Egas]

It's not all that funny, really. Plus, it's a bit old since I found it in a book while I was in middle school. But since we're telling Holloween stories, I got one.


There was once an old motel out back near a rural town. There was a legend stating that the room at the very end of its hall was haunted, and that no one was able to spend the night there.

One day, a business man came through on his way to a meeting. It was getting dark, so he figured he'd stay somewhere and continue in the morning. Not surprisingly, the only place with a vacancy was that haunted room in that old motel. The old man who ran the place warned him of the legend, but the business man brushed it off. And so he went on and took the room.

Late that night, the business man woke up. He wondered why he was woken up so late and tried to go back to sleep. Then he heard a voice.

"I'm gonna eatcha, eatcha, eatcha!"

He dismissed it, but couldn't ignore it for long. The voice repeated itself twice more, at which point the business man ran out of the room and checked out early.

Not too long after this, a farmer came through town on his way to visit some family. Like the business man, he arrived at town when it was getting dark. He also decided to stay for the night, found the only room available was the haunted room, and laughed off the warnings.

During the night, the farmer woke up. He thought he heard something.

"I'm gonna eatcha, eatcha, eatcha!"

This time, the voice repeated itself once more before the farmer tore out of the room, screaming about monsters.

A week later a hippie came by, in the same circmstances as the farmer and business man before did. He, too, chose to stay in the haunted room.

Late at night, the hippie heard a voice.

"I'm gonna eatcha, eatcha, eatcha!"

The hippie sat up, trying to listen.

"I'm gonna eatcha, eatcha, eatcha!"

He got up and traced the voice to the closet. He turned on the light and opened the door. Inside was a little boy, the manager's grandson, who was picking his nose. When he picked out another piece of snot he said...

"I'm gonna eatcha, eatcha, eatcha!"

The End.

[Alondro]

O... M... G... that 'joke' is over 20 years old.  I heard that in 4th grade.  It was stupid then, and it's even stupider now.  It's almost as bad as the ghost of Genie Meanie.   

[DigitalMan]

Apparently, I'm the most easily amused here

[xHaZxMaTx]

Sorry RE, Mitzi's joke was better.

[Miaka]

Both jokes= old news, and I'm the youngest one to have posted in this thread thus far.

[Dakata]

RE's joke was stupid, and I didn't get Mitzi's.

and I'm the youngest one to have posted in this thread thus far.

I AM THE YOUNGEST POSTER NOW.

[Roureem Egas]

That's surprising. I'd have expected to have come across it earlier than my sophmore year in high school if it was so old. Hmm.

Try reading Mitzi's aloud, Dakata. It's not that hard to figure.

[Dakata]

...Oh, I get it now.

...It's not funny.

[Miaka]

That's surprising. I'd have expected to have come across it earlier than my sophmore year in high school if it was so old. Hmm.

Try reading Mitzi's aloud, Dakata. It's not that hard to figure.

Dude I'm pretty sure I heard that joke when I was in.... what, fifth?

[Roureem Egas]

Then I blame the middle school library.

Darn you and your incomplete compilations of horror shorts, Chavez Middle!

[GabrielsThoughts]

Obscure Urban legends (of which I am an expert) are rarely Amusing but...

Once upon a time there were two students standing in a pet cemetary, and all of a sudden they hear music coming from one of the tombstones (not a pizza), so anyway the tombstone reads Betoven (?) and Ironically enough the music sounds Ironically like the Betoven's 9th Symphony played backwards. The next evening the the students bring their Music proffesor to the grave, and hear Betoven's 7th symphony played backwards, the following night he contacted a reporter and the two hear betoven's 5th symphony played backwards.

so then the Music proffesor looks at the reporter and tells him "I can't figure out where the music is coming from." 

to which the reporter replies "isn't it obvious He's decomposing."


here's a better one

so a Priest and a Rabi are in a car heading for a religious convention (or something) and the Rabi is driving, the Rabi accidently runs over a jackrabbit the two clergymen get out the car to see if the rabbit is Ok. The rabi Sees that the Bunny is dead, he says a prayer and then the priest takes out a flask and pours a clear liquid over the Jackrabbit. The Jackrabbit then returns to life and hoppes off into the sunset.
"wow, that's some mighty powerful holy water!" the Rabi says impressed with what the priest had done to which the priest replied "Holy water? that wasn't holy water, it was 'hare' tonic." 

[xHaZxMaTx]

The first one was better.

[Alondro]

*thinks the jokes being told here are the most terrifying things he's heard in many a Halloween past*   

[Supercheese]

The first one was better.

Yes, agreed. Best one in this thread so far.

[LionHeart]

I'm surprised this one hasn't come up before now...


Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"

[Wildy]

Geeze.. Crash on her people.. I thought it was cute. XD

[Zedd]

Yay for nun crashings

[Alan Garou]

I made this one up...

An elderly man hands his grandson a piece of rice paper. Written on it is the following:

• 12 liters of cough syrup
• 1/2 pound of nose polish
• 3 packets of radioactive tylenol

After reading it, the grandson asks "What in the world is this?"
In response, the man bursts into song: It's my super crazy fragile list of extra pills and doses

[Jim Halisstrad]

  I like 'lame' jokes.


An older one;  two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second would have seen the first and ducked.

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, this isn't some sort of joke, is it?"

A duck walks into a bar. Everyone quacks up.

... I'm here all week, try the veal...

[bill]

A man walks into a bar

He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.

[Jim Halisstrad]

Oh man, that one KILLS me.  Everyone knows you drink the shots of Jack FIRST before you drink the Newcastles if you're going to go home and beat your daughter.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Indeed. Newkies are nothing to mess around with.

[Toric]

This one isn't really halloweeny, but it does feature man-eating plants.

Three monks get kicked out of a monastary for their crazy plant crossbreeding experiments. They pack up their belongings and travel to the nearest small village, and open up a flower shop.

Opening day, a woman walks in with a 6-year-old boy. While she's looking at flowers, the boy gets bored and walks away to look for all the "cool" plants. In one corner of the shop he finds a very tall plant with a big, beautiful red flower at the top. As soon as he approaches the plant, it bends its stem down and swallows the boy. The mother sees what happened, and naturally she's not a happy camper. She yells to the monks to save her child, but they calmly explain that nothing can be done. Irate, she runs out of the store and assembles an angry mob. The mob stands outside the flower shop with blazing torches and begins to demand that they leave or else..... But then, one of the villagers notices "Hey, Hugh isn't here." With a disappointed groan, the mob dissipates.

A week later, another woman walks into a flower shop with a 4-year-old. She holds her boy's hand, making sure he doesn't wander off to the now-infamous corner of doom. She's looking at some pretty blue flowers when she hears a slurping sound from her side. She looks to see what it is, and notices she's holding the leaf of a plant with a stem the height of a grown man and an unusually large bud. She puts two and two together, and with the common knowledge that the monks responsible won't do a thing to help, runs out and forms another angry mob. The mob converges upon the shop, and somebody is about to throw a stone through a window, when they all realize that Hugh is again absent. With another groan, the mob again disperses.

A day later, a woman walks into the store holding her child in both arms as if she was holding a safe with her life savings. She's looking at the roses when she feels a tap on her left shoulder. She looks to the left, and sees a plant leaf. She looks to her right, and sees a very content, very large plant. She screams and runs out of the store. The villagers figure out what happened easily enough, and an angry mob forms around the three monks' flower shop for a third time. The monks aren't intimidated, they know it's just a matter of time before the villagers go back to their business. Suddenly, the mob quiets, and the crowds part. Hugh walks forward to confront the monks. He tells them matter-of-factly "You don't belong in this village. Leave with all your belongings now, or we'll kick you out with just the clothes on your back." Convinced, the monks pack up and leave town.

The moral of the story: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[GabrielsThoughts]

A tall man with glasses walked into a bar on the platform of a luxurious hotel on the  Las Vegas strip.  He ordered a bottle of Jack Daniels, and after swallowing the contents of the bottle in one gulp, he walked over to the open window and shouted

"I'm going to jump!!!"

to which the bartender replied "go ahead."no sooner were the words out of his mouth, when the man with the glases jumped out the window...but just before he landed he floated gently to the ground.

The man wearing glasses then ran back up the stairs ordered another bottle of Jack Daniels, once again he said "I'm going to jump" the bartender was startled that this man would be willing to push his luck once again and watched as the man wearing glasses swallowed the bottle of Jack Daniels, jumped out the window and just before he landed  floated gently to the ground. The man once again ran up to the plat form and was about to launch himself again when the bartender approached him.

"Son, how do you keep doing that?" the bartender asked the man who was conciderably younger than himself walked up to the bar and ordered another bottle of Jack Daniels.

"oh it's easy," the man says "I'm superman" just then he takes off his glasses and peels open his shirt to reveal"see, I'm the master of disguise."

the bartender then shook his head  pulled out a gun and shot the man wearing glasses. The man wearing glasses fell over and  turned into a puddle of  goop  as the bartender put the gun away and said "guess not."

later  a woman runs  up to the bartender in the hotel lobby "Oh Clark, I've been looking all over for you. Where have you been?"

Clark then yawned "I stopped a guy from jumping off the platform of the hotel."
   

[xHaZxMaTx]

No, I don't get it, either.

[Darkmoon]

Okay, seriously, if a topic is ALMOST a month old, don't you think it'd be best not to revive it. Sure, the rule says a month, but seriously, use your better judgement people.