[Writings] Dekari (12/24/08)| Project: New Blood

[Dekari]

Well, I figured I'd join in on all the fun here and share some stuff I've done.  I'll start off with some poetry I did some years back while trying to stay awake at 8 a.m. in a college economics class.

Index:

Poetry

Untitled
Deadly Greed
Burning Forest of Souls

Stories/Novels

The Draylin Legacy: Hybrid Children
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2

The Draylin Legacy: Silicon Dreams

The Draylin Legacy: Unfolding History

Mind Games (project abandoned)

Project: New Blood



________________________________

Title: (Haven't thought of a fitting title yet)
By: Drake Dekari


Lying on my bed, my soul beaten and bruised
Hiding from the evil, by whom I've been used
Gone is my trust in humanity
Trust, nothing but a fantasy
This way of life brought on by those I called friend
Now enemies in the end
I now live my life behind a mask of lies
Watching as what trust remains dies

Always wishing for an end
Death now thought to be my only friend
The heavens calling me
The pits of hell welcoming me
An escape is all I need
Something to do the final deed
Yet, I am forced to live on
Until my fear of the end is gone

Now there is a pain
A pain I cannot explain
Eating away at my soul
Soon I may lose control
My sanity I feel slowly slipping away
I don't think I can resist the pain another day
A question enters my mind with a grin
What will happen if I give in?

Locked away in a padded cell
Living out my own personal hell
Inside this institute for the damned
The whole world believing I have gone mad
Instead, I now understand the truth
For this I need no proof
Only I know the end is near
The world will soon be covered with fear

Outside the mesh-covered window, the sky turns red
People running with a look of dread
Watching the people run I laugh
Eager to be a spectator for the coming blood bath
Controlled by their own inner demons the people fight
I do nothing but laugh through the night
In a killing free for all
One by one the people fall

Now in the end I am the only one
But the job of the darkness is done
Why did it not come for me?
Am I cursed to live for eternity?
A world void of people at one time was a dream
Yet now a living nightmare as I scream
Then in the wind I here a voice
"There was always another choice"

[Dekari]

The Draylin Legacy: Hybrid Children

Prologue

As Nathan wandered aimlessly through a lush forest on a warm spring morning, he came upon a clearing that appeared as though man had never touched it.  Past the tree line, he found nothing for miles except emerald-colored grass and a small bush by a pond.  As he stepped into the clearing, he was overwhelmed by a scent so compelling he had to find the source, despite what dangers might lurk in this unfamiliar territory.

   When Nathan arrived at the center, he was surprised to see that the pond was a crystal-clear lake and the small bush a cluster of fruit trees.  On the tree's branches, he noticed blood-red fruit almost the size of soccer balls.  Curious, he climbed one of the trees to taste the fruit, but before he could reach it, an enormous object blotted out the sun.  He then heard a sound that sent a shiver of fear down his spine.  It was like a strong gust of wind at a beach when a storm is fast approaching; though it roared and growled more than it howled.  He jumped off the tree, ran, tripped, and hit the ground face first.  After quickly scurrying to a nearby ditch, he brushed the wet grass and dirt from his face. Then he poked his head out enough so that he could see from ground level, and what he saw made him do a double take.  Is this real?  Is this truly happening?  Am I actually coming face to face with a real live dragon?

   After the dragon landed, it stretched out its massive wings, then folded them close to its body, and started walking around the area cautiously.  Nathan stood up to get a better look, but he unknowingly stepped on a twig that made a muffled snap.  The dragon quickly turned its head to look at Nathan.  It whirled around, head held low, and muscles tensed.  The dragon stared at Nathan almost menacingly, as if it was daring him to make a move.  Nathan looked back, frozen in fear.  But the dragon did not attack.  Nathan relaxed a bit and noticed that the dragon was almost grinning.  Nathan's curiosity wore down his fear as he took a step towards the dragon.  Suddenly, the dragon gave off a soul-piercing roar, quickly spread its wings, and jumped high into flight.  The immense force from the first flap of its wings knocked Nathan off balance.  When he regained his balance, he started sprinting towards the edge of the clearing in hope of finding safety.  He did not want to find out what would happen if he stayed much longer.

   Once he neared the edge of the clearing, Nathan looked over his shoulder and saw that the dragon was not in pursuit.  He slowed to a stop just inside the forest to catch his breath. Turning to take one last look, Nathan saw nothing but trees behind him.  At that moment he heard a voice that seemed to echo in his mind.  "We shall meet again."  Nathan looked around but there was not a thing in sight that could have spoken.  Catching a shadow on the ground out of the corner of his eye, Nathan looked to the sky and saw a faint image of a dragon fly overhead.

[WhiteFox]

Interesting.

On the one hand, it's very clearly written. There's very little clutter in your writing, which makes it easy to read and doesn't bog down the reader with clumsy wording or excessive adjectives. It's descriptive, but not over written.

On the downside, it's very matter of fact. Very little metaphor or feeling to the writing makes it kind of abstract and keeps the viewer distant from the characters and action. More prose then poetry, which makes the story very matter of factly and unemotional.

Though I must admit, I am wondering what the heck is going on. When do we see chapter on? 

[Dekari]

Interesting.

On the one hand, it's very clearly written. There's very little clutter in your writing, which makes it easy to read and doesn't bog down the reader with clumsy wording or excessive adjectives. It's descriptive, but not over written.

On the downside, it's very matter of fact. Very little metaphor or feeling to the writing makes it kind of abstract and keeps the viewer distant from the characters and action. More prose then poetry, which makes the story very matter of factly and unemotional.

Though I must admit, I am wondering what the heck is going on. When do we see chapter on? 

Huh....I must be doing something very right or very wrong.  That seems to be the generalized reaction I get from everyone I let read my writings.

[WhiteFox]

Well, clarity good. Unemotional bad.

Now, if you can write clearly and poetically, you've got it made.

[Dekari]

Edit: Minor rewording and rewriting 10/30/08

Chapter 1

   Four years after his encounter with the dragon, Nathan's life started to seem normal again.  He tried to bury the memories of what happened back then deep within his mind and forget all the constant ridicule from high school classmates who didn't believe his story.  Yet, several fragments never seemed to go away, and neither did his pain.  However as Nathan experienced once before, normalcy can unexpectedly end and the 27th of May would be no exception.

   As far as Nathan knew, that day, the 27th of May, had been as normal of a day as any for him.  As usual, his Wednesday Economics professor once again lectured too long and had made him late for his Calculus class, located on the other side of the college campus.  Normally this wasn't a problem for Nathan, but that day, it was raining and Nathan forgot his umbrella back in his car.  By the time he got to the building where his Calculus class was being held, he was completely soaked.  At the exact moment he grabbed the handle on the door the rain stopped.  "You son of a..." Nathan muttered as he looked up at the sky attempting to control his anger.

   He entered the building and he took a quick glance at the clock.  It said 1:35.  Shit.  Well, if I hurry I can at least catch the last half hour of the class, Nathan thought to himself as he hurried over to the stairs.  When he tried to slow down to go down the stairs, he slipped and fell down the first few steps before he grabbed the railing and pulled a muscle in his shoulder.  To add insult to injury, a few people were around to laugh at his misfortune.  Even a professor chuckled for a moment.  He walked down the rest of stairs holding his shoulder cursing under his breath and headed towards his classroom.  As he passed the classroom next to his, the door flung open and smacked him in the face.  He staggered back a few steps and fell down flat on his back.  My god what did I do to deserve all this, is all that could come to his mind as he lie there holding his forehead in pain.
   "What the hell!" Nathan said rather angrily while standing up, still holding his forehead in futile attempt to ease the pain.  "Why don't you watch what you're fucking doing next..."

   He paused for a moment when he caught sight of the person who opened the door.  "...time....oh," he finished slowly.  The person who opened the door was a girl, but not just any girl; no, possibly the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.  Nathan remembered seeing this person around the campus every once in a while.  He also remembered that he'd tried talking to her about as many times as he had seen her, but something in his mind always stopped him.  Nathan usually saw her when he was on his way to his classes.  It was as if she knew where Nathan was going to be.  Whenever he passed by, she would focus her attention on him without moving her head like she was trying to confirm a suspicion.

   The girl had reddish brown hair that went down to about mid back and a rather athletic build.  You could say she looked like the type that would constantly have guys around her trying to ask her out.  But that's not how it was with her; she was always alone. 

   "Oh my god, are you okay?" she asked with a shocked look.

   "Huh?" Nathan replied staring at her with a dumbfounded look.

   "Your head, are you hurt?" she asked.

   "Oh, yeah.  I mean, no, no I'm fine," he said remembering about his head.

   "I am really sorry about that.  Are you sure you are okay?" she said somewhat relieved.

   "Don't worry about it.  Stuff like this has been happening to me all day," he said taking his hand off his forehead.  He glanced at his hand for a second and noticed a small line of blood.  "Then again, I have been known to be wrong."

   "I think you might want to take care of that," the girl said looking at his slowly bleeding wound.

   "Yeah, I guess I should," Nathan replied, turning towards the men's room.  If Nathan would have turned around at that moment he would have seen that same inquisitive look on the girls' face that he had seen her with so many times before.

   After spending a few minutes in the bathroom, the cut on Nathan's head finally stopped bleeding.  When he walked out he noticed the girl who hit him was waiting by the door.

   "Like I said nothing to worry about, it's just a small cut," he said to her.

   "I'm terribly sorry about all this.  Is there any way I can make it up to you?"  She asked.

   Since nothing like this had ever happened to him, he couldn't help but feel suspicious.  "Don't worry about it.  You don't have to..."

   "Wait, I know!  Have you had lunch yet?"  She asked interrupting him in mid sentence.

   "Um...No...But..." Nathan replied feeling confused.

   "Good.  Because I want to buy you lunch as an apology," she said sounding excited.

   "No really, you don't have to."

   "Oh, but I insist."

   "Well...if you insist," Nathan said somewhat hesitantly.  After the kind of day I've been having, something doesn't seem right here, he thought to himself.

   "Great!  Let's go," she said enthusiastically while leading Nathan towards the stairs by the arm.  "By the way, my name is Katharine.  But you can call me Kat," she continued.

   "I'm Nathan."


________________________________

Wow, I haven't really looked at or worked on this in over 2 years....I forgot how slow and boring the start was 
Too much talking maybe?

Also a question to everyone out there.  What's the best way to make sure you keep proper tense?  I used to keep getting told I switch from past tense to present tense then back.  But I can never figure out where, why, and how I keep doing it.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Things in the past - like referring to memory - are past tense.

Things in the present - like, he opens the door - are present tense.

Stories, though, tend to stick with past tense for all of it. Think of it as if you're 400 years later, telling the story as you remember it.


Did you want me to go through the whole thing, and pick it totally to pieces? I can, if you really want...

[Dekari]

Did you want me to go through the whole thing, and pick it totally to pieces? I can, if you really want...

I'll leave that decision up to you, but I'll tell you that I'm not stringer to rewriting.  God knows I've done it more than enough times.....probably why I only have about 40 pages done of the planed 300 after 3 years of work and 5 years of avoiding it.  Oh the problems I have for being an combination perfectionist and engineer.

[Dekari]

Chapter 2

   When the two got outside it looked as if it hadn't even rained.  The sun was shining, and the branches of the trees stirred gently in the breeze.  The sky was a brilliant light blue and the way the light cloud cover accompanied it, it looked as if a master artist had painted it.

   "What a beautiful day this has turned out to be," Kat said.

   "Hard to believe it was raining about ten minutes ago," Nathan replied.

   They started towards the building where the cafeteria was.  On the way there Kat asked Nathan what he meant when he said 'stuff like this has been happening to him all day'.  He told her about his day so far and when he got to the part about the rain she tried to hold back her laughter but couldn't.  Nathan chuckled a little after seeing the struggling look on Kat's face.

   By the time Nathan finished speaking they were at the cafeteria.  They both got something to eat and sat at a table near a window. When Nathan went to sit down, the sunlight glinted off the pendant around his neck, which caught Kat's attention. 

   "That's a cool looking pendant you have.  Where did you get it?"  She asked as she looked at Nathan's pendant; a silver dragon with spread wings guarding a strange, crimson red colored gemstone.

   "Oh...this," Nathan replied taking off his pendent so Kat could get a better look at it.  "I can't really remember where I got it, but I know I've had it my whole life," he continued.

   "Family heirloom or something?" she asked.

   "Maybe....no, I'm sure if it was something that important my parents would have it under lock and key," Nathan said now staring intently at the pending searching his memories for a suitable answer.  "Funny thing, I've never really paid this thing any attention.  But now that I'm thinking about it, I can't seem to remember anything about it.  I can't even remember putting it on this morning....it's just...there," he finished looking somewhat distressed.

   "Hmm, anyway, what is that stone that the dragon is holding?" Kat asked quickly trying to divert Nathan's attention and ease his distress.

   "I'm not really sure.  I think it might be some kind of mood stone, but it only seems to change color when I get mad.  Odd thing, it only reacts to me for some reason, and it's not just the stone.  It's like the entire pendent reacts, chain and all.  When I hand it to someone else to try it, as soon as I let go of it and they take it the stone turns clear.  But when they give it back to me, it changes back."

   "Can I try it?"

   "Sure, but don't expect anything to happen," Nathan replied as he handed the pendant to Kat.  However, once Nathan let go of the pendant's chain the stone turned a deep blue.  Kat's eyes widened as if she had realized something.

   "Huh...that's odd.  I wonder why it did something different for you."  Nathan paused for a moment and looked up at the girl's face.  "Something wrong?" he continued.

   "Oh nothing, nothing at all, just got lost in thought for a second," Kat replied quickly looking up at Nathan.  When she handed the pendent back to Nathan the stone changed back to its original crimson red color.  Kat stared at it for a moment.

   "What color does it change to when you get mad?"  She asked jokingly.

   "I guess closest way I can describe the color is 'glowing black'.  When that happens people tend to stay away from me," he said as he put the pendent back around his neck.

   "Glowing black?"  She asked somewhat confused.

   "It's kind of like a midnight blue, but it's so dark it looks black to me."

   "That's a rather odd color."

   Nathan looked at a clock and noticed it was 3:00 p.m. "Oh, crud!" he exclaimed.

   "What is it?"  She asked.

   "I have to go. I have to be at work in a half hour," he replied.

   "I'll walk with you to your car.  I want to talk to you a bit more," she said.

_________________

Mind you all, these may not be the actual chapter breaks.  It just works out better for posting this way.
Hmmm....I still think I may need to cut out some dialogue.  This section was mostly talking.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

http://www.markbetz.net/2008/08/28/the-funny-things-about-foundation/

Specifically, the last point.

Just think about it, and what you're trying to do, and how you're telling the story.

...I'll come back later with some actual useful comments, at this point I need to head off to work...

[Dekari]

Interesting, I may have to look into that series of books.

[Dekari]

The one thing I hate about writing, when you go back to make edits to stuff you have already written and you find something that just outright sucks.  You fall into a funk and end up reading the same paragraph over and over for 3 days trying to find a way to make it not suck.

I get distracted when that happens and end up not working on my stuff for days, months, or even years.  Anyone know of a fix for this problem?


Here's some poetry while I beat my head on the wall trying to think of a non suck way to re-write parts of the next chapter in the Hybrid Children story.

________________________________

Title: Deadly Greed
Author: Drake Dekari


Failure is always an option
Mankind now faced with this decision
To succeed or fail, either way it will not go well
Care to listen to the story I have to tell

Mankinds doom is at hand
As they continue to fight for money and land
Not able to see past their greed
Feeding the hunger that will never be pleased

Out into space the conquers now travel
Seeking new riches and land on which they can gamble
Not knowing these actions will bring a heavy price
Deaths bill will always be paid with someones life

Now obsessed with going farther and faster
With no science left to master
To obtain distant treasures
Mankind looks back to a time of magic and wonders

Excavating ancient ruins for the long lost science
To these sanctuaries mankind shows defiance
Paying no attention to the warnings worn down by time
While indulging in this deadly crime

With books in hand the incantations begin
Time for death to punch in
Word after word unknown seals are broken
The doorway to doom will soon be open

The last word has left the speakers lips
The moon now in full eclipse
The ground begins to shake as the gateway opens
A demon of hell emerges to the sound of welcomes

With death in its eyes the demon attacks
The men flee trying to leave deaths hand at their backs
Thirsty for blood the demons slaughter will never end
The time of man is now at an end

Heed my story and you will be saved
Your road to the future has not yet been paved
Let your greed starve and die
And you will reach your stars up high

[Dekari]

Well, in my attempt to do non-suck rewrites on my Draylin Legacy project, I decided to start yet another project and try my hand at a slightly different writing style.  Basically, this project was first set out to be one story.  Though as with the way my mind always works, one story became two.  Mind Games and Project New Blood are in essence two of the same whole.  They are my first and, god willing, last attempt at a "fan-fic".  Amber, if it sucks, I give you full permission to lead the lynch mob.


Anyway, first up is Mind Games.  This is the one I decided to try something different with.  It's set up as a first person narrative but from the perspective of inside the main characters mind.  Wasn't really sure how to go about doing some things seeing as this is my first attempt at doing something like this, so formating may need some work.  So, here goes.


Edit: Project abandoned.

[GabrielsThoughts]

Darylin Legacy...(personal opinion) I think the title is too long. In DL ch2,  I've never met anybody say literally what they're thinking as a matter of fact. Nor have I met anyone that openly tells you what they were going to be doing. In theory, people generally perform actions independently and will either appologise or ask if it invades another's personal space.

   
   "I'll walk with you to your car.  I want to talk to you a bit more," she said.

something about this line just seems wrong to me.  I can hear it in my head, and it just sounds wrong, horribly horribly wrong somehow. then again, it's just my personal opinion... other things going through my head while reading your work are Is  the dragon "crush kill destroy" or "Congratulations you've won the the prestige of having my gifts bestowed upon you"..."I'll be back" never really crossed my mind.

[Dekari]

Interesting what a little mind-numbing boardum at work can do for your creativity.

Mind Games is now abandoned and Project: New Blood is back on track and being written.  I hope to have something to post soon....we will see how long this creative streak goes.

[Dekari]

Working on a good start to "Project: New Blood" and I think I got something that will work.  So let me know what you all thing.


_______________________

Project: New Blood

The stench of gunpowder, diesel fuel, and sulfur hung thickly in the air of a ruined city just outside the H-Ann territories.  Bodies could be seen strewn about for miles in all directions.  Civilians, solders from both the H-Ann Confederacy and the New Furrea World Union, mercenaries, women, children, Beings and Humans alike...who or what the attackers were, they did not discriminate about their targets.  Among the burning remains buildings and cratered streets lie the destroyed remains of various vehicles.  Cars, trucks, tanks, and many other machines of war that have yet to be conceived by those hearing of this tale.  This all gives evidence that this...was a war zone.

   Near smoldering skeleton of a warehouse in the center of the city is a body that oddly stands out from the rest.  At first glance the body is that of a male wolf type Being with crimson red fur.  However he has black streaked, silver dragon like wings and tail.  There can also be seen a pair of small feathered wings of the same color atop his head.  His right arm, broken in several places, has bloodied bones protruding out at disturbing angles and left leg missing from just above where his knee should be.  Sixty percent of his fur and flesh has been scorched away and what is left of his white fur chest, hands, feet, and lower jaw are stained with blood to almost match the rest of his fur.  One would think with injuries of this extent he would be writhing in agony, yet this creature was not.  He was actually laughing weakly with a half dead stare in his eyes.

   A short time later two human soldier, baring emblems of the H-Ann Confederacy on the sleeve of their uniforms, came upon the creatures' body.

   "What the hell did Professor Mist's team created?" One soldier asked to the other.

   "I don't know.  But how could it still be alive?" The other replied.

   The first soldier opened one of the strap pockets on his vest and pulled out a small two way radio.  "Base.  Come in Base."  He spoke into the radio.

   "This is Base, go ahead."  A voice said over the radio.

   "I think it's over here.  13 has been taken down, repeat, 13 is down.  I need immediate containment and evac here."

   "Understood.  How many survivors do you estimate?"  The voice asked.

   "Not counting 13....two." The soldier replied hesitantly.




Edit: Spelling, grammar, and everything else I suck at.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

He was actually laughing weakly with a half dead stair in his eyes.

You mean "stare"

   A short time later two human solder, baring emblems of the H-Ann Confederacy on the sleeve of their uniforms, came upon the creatures' body.

Soldiers. Not solder. See also elsewhere.

   "I think it over here.  13 has been taken down, repeat, 13 is down.  I need imitate containment and evac here."

It's over. Immediate, not imitate.

Other than that... it's an interesting start.

[Dekari]

 

They need to start making me checkers instead of spell checkers.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Oh, all the wrong words were spelt correctly. They were just entirely the wrong words... ;-]