[Web novel In Progress] The Last Twilight Dragon of Gaia [WARNING! INNUENDO!]

[Drayco84]

Oh lesee... Where do I begin? Okay... Start with the basics...

    The Last Twilight Dragon of Gaia is a novel that I've been trying to make for the past THREE YEARS OR SO and has entered it's fourth re-write. It's hosted at http://dragonoftwilight.net and I had originally planned to make it based off the premise of the Hyper Police manga series. However, because all I had of Hyper Police was the basic plot, it came out as something completely different. While it's not furrae-based, (I couldn't use that as 1: I've never played the game DMFA is based off of, and 2: I was hoping to get this published someday.) It could arguably called furry as the main character is a dragon and his harem (Yes, he gets stuck with a harem. Being a bishonen dragon seems to have effect on females there for some reason. Oh, and don't start envying him either. Gender roles have a major reversal with some species, and dragons are one of them.) So, here the premise on mine... (Keep in mind that humans ARE involved, they're just not major players. For more details, there's a link to the History section on the chapter list of sorts. Check it out if for nothing else than a different way of looking at things... For simplicty, I'm going to restate some of it here...)

    At first, there were only dragons on Gaia. Then, long story short, unicorns came and kicked their asses. (Check the History!) With the biggest threat subdued, they formed a Council out of the sentient races, with each Sage being the master of one of the elements. (Earth, Air, Fire, Water, Light, and Dark.) In exchange for being in this Council, the prey races get protection while the predatory races get guaranteed meals. (Hey, I didn't say EVERYTHING worked out for EVERYONE did I? Well, except unicorns...)
    Then, humans came along, and since they were considered "violent, randy, and stupid" (Yeah, even compared to dragons for violence, and unicorns for the second. Ouch...) they were mostly left alone. But, not only did their populations start exploding, but they learned how to make "tools", then later "weapons" and "armor", and then began to somehow not only hold their own in combat, but they actually managed to kill things like dragons and the highly protected unicorns! The unicorns tried to defeat them in the same way they stopped the dragons, but found out that humans were immune to magic that "doesn't break physical barriers". (In other words, one needed to convert their magical power into something like a mass of flames first.) So, first reaction was to wipe them out, but one young member of the Council suggested that they use them as indentured livestock. (Or working livestock.) The original scheme was for one predatory creature (Like a dragon for example.) to keep an eye on them and keep the population in check by demanding a tribute or sacrifice every so often. (Seriously, anyone ever try thinking of it in this way before?)
    However, the Council and other species underestimated the humans intelligence as they eventually caught onto the scheme. (That, and feral creatures started coming at the humans settlements in force, requiring more predatory creatures. Seriously, ask any farmer that keeps livestock and predators sense a free buffet around.)  Eventually, the stricter "claws off but fangs on" policies were relaxed and things mellowed out. (Less demands for maidens/youths which were replaced with tithes of non-sentient livestock and equipment/materials.)

Some odd centuries or so later, and Zyneth plus harem emerge on the scene and their fates are in the hands of a sadistic psychopath. (No, NOT me, dammit!) Oh, and I have a vorpal were-rabbit, who may or may not be inspired by my real bunnies...


HOLY CRAP! WHAT A WALL O' TEXT! (Grabs axe...) Okay, slightly better. So, as you can see, there's a complex background and a plot loaded with twists, turns, and conspiracies. (Seriously, Zyneth can't walk three steps without tripping over one!) As I said, while the main char is a dragon, he's not an anthro. (Unless he wants to be, and he hates that form.) And while one could agure it's a harem-parody, a large amount of the "love interests" swing both ways. (One's an essence-draining demoness who isn't picky and the other's a kitsune that hates males. Starting to see why it's a parody yet?)

So, I'm mostly looking for feedback, and a furry web novel ring or something... Oh, and Khinya is loosely borrowed from Kria.(You've been warned. I'm serious, that unicorn's evil! Oh, and don't play cards with her. It's bad enough she's psychic, but she cheats too. Wait a sec, that's Cylali that cheats too... Whoops, my bad.)

EDIT: Oh sure, NOW I see the Long Library topic... Figures... I must be blind today... (Good thing poisonous snakes are rare where I live!)

EDIT 2: I fixed the link! Ugh, today just is NOT my day! to repeat, it's http://dragonoftwilight.net

[Drayco84]

EDIT 2: I can't believe that I forgot the other important point! My website is completely free to access, has little javascript other than Project Wonderful ads, is hosted on Linux, (It wasn't Windows and it was cheaper, okay?) and AS FAR AS I KNOW, there is NO spyware or malicious software lurking about on it. (If you're really paranoid, send in someone with a Linux PC first, check out the code if you wish, and if you find something vicious, evil, and/or malicious, LET ME KNOW SO I CAN NUKE IT.

Oh, and the feedback form on there works. I just tested it last week when I change the site background color. (It used to be black, full of depressing and stuff...)

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

The Long Library might not be what you think it is.

[Drayco84]

Yes, I found that out by looking over it... I just wanted to state that I did find it and was looking through it.

Internet, I beseech thee, why is there no love for the web novelists?! I have crappy hand-eye coordination, okay?! (If you don't believe me, you should watch me play Metroid Prime 3 sometime... Samus shoots like she's had a few too many...)

[Drayco84]

Hey, I has update on site! Whoo!

[Drayco84]

Am I allowed to necro this? Hoo boy, I hope so...

Anyways, my site, http://dragonoftwilight.net, is going to be seeing a major overhaul which coincides with its one-year anniversary. (Well, the anniversary of the purchase of the domain name, anyway...)  And so, I would appreciate it if anyone or everyone could give me some feedback on it. The new look has been mostly hammered out and I just need to modify and copy some code to start reworking the pages. For those interested, the new look is here: http://dragonoftwilight.net/test.html. There is also a working comments page on it, and a my forum can be found here: http://dragonoftwilight.net/smf.

A WORD OF WARNING! Contrary to what you may think, I have MANY highly-trained NINJA MODS armed with MASSIVE ban-hammers of FIRE, PAIN, DESTRUCTION, AND... Oh, who am I kidding... It's just me and I'm too frakkin' busy with the improving site to police the place... Ugh...

[WhiteFox]

Hm.

There is only one font for the entire page. Generally, it's a good idea to have typefaces for the header, sub headers, and body text. Usually, body text should is sans serif because it's easier to read. Arial, Verdana, and Geneva are standard to all browsers, among a few other fonts. Also; white-text-on-black is harder to read then black-text-on-white, with very few exceptions. The same goes for white-on-purple, and cyan-on-black.

You're using tables for layout. Which works, but the page looks like it was made in the mid-ninties.

"Dragon of Twilight.net: Host of "The Last Twilight Dragon of Gaia", a free online fantasy webnovel (And other things.)" Is a huge title. Like, really huge. In word length and font size.

The background might be a little too busy for the text, particularly since the background is pink purple and the text is white. Not very easy to read.

There's an image link, "Webfiction Guide," under the floating navigation bar.

Zooming in, text only, buries the content under the nav bar. That can be fixed by defining the width of the nav bar, and the distance of the body text from the edge of the window, using em widths instead of pixels.

This is just a suggestion, but div tags would make the html a lot simpler. They're much better for  page layout then tables are, and css works wonders on div tags with class attributes.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps.

PS; (*Reads page*) Hey, I have ADD too. High five.

[Drayco84]

Ah, this is precisely why I need feedback. Good thing I haven't overhauled the entire site yet, otherwise I'm be quite peeved at myself.

There is only one font for the entire page. Generally, it's a good idea to have typefaces for the header, sub headers, and body text. Usually, body text should is sans serif because it's easier to read. Arial, Verdana, and Geneva are standard to all browsers, among a few other fonts. Also; white-text-on-black is harder to read then black-text-on-white, with very few exceptions. The same goes for white-on-purple, and cyan-on-black.

Yes, I had heard that having backup fonts is highly recommended. I'll look into the coding for that.
And while I'm trying to avoid the tried-and-true-but-incredibly-common Black text on White bg, I'll use it just to avoid driving away readers and/or giving people headaches. Any suggestions on a different color scheme? (Preferably something that stands out against purple.)

You're using tables for layout. Which works, but the page looks like it was made in the mid-ninties.

Erm... Yeah... I kinda suck at CSS and HTML... Again, I'm open to suggestions.

"Dragon of Twilight.net: Host of "The Last Twilight Dragon of Gaia", a free online fantasy webnovel (And other things.)" Is a huge title. Like, really huge. In word length and font size.

I'm still in the market for a new title. (Heck, I just used that so I had something to call this novel-in-progress.) I could drop the domain name from the title, as well as the "free online fantasy webnovel and other junk" bit. However, the only other thing I've been able to come up with for the name of the novel itself is "The End of the Twilight Dragons". And you're the first feedback I've gotten. Period.

The background might be a little too busy for the text, particularly since the background is pink/purple and the text is white. Not very easy to read.

Again, totally open to suggestions. However, if at all possible, I'd like to keep a purple background for several reasons. One: It's the color of the main char. Two: It represents the dark-side of himself that the main char is always fighting against. Three: the main character has a strong affinity with dark-magic, and dark-aligned creatures are usually either black or purple. (Well... Except for BOF2 Ryu's Gdragon form and Spyro...)  Lastly: I really like purple and would like to use a purple background if possible. (If I must drop it, I shall sob uncontrollably, but eventually I'll relent.)

There's an image link, "Webfiction Guide," under the floating navigation bar.

I've been meaning to remove that... (You'll see there's a copy of it at the bottom of the page.)  Seriously, I just implemented the drop down menu within an iframe, within a fixed menu, and hammered out most of the bugs of the chapter select. (OMG the bugs... THE BUGS! And I was using script from a script generator, too!)

Zooming in, text only, buries the content under the nav bar. That can be fixed by defining the width of the nav bar, and the distance of the body text from the edge of the window, using em widths instead of pixels.

Zooming in? I never use zooming so it's nice to find out about that... (Odd it works fine on Firefox...) And define the width of the nav bar how? As soon as I remove those pixel size limits, the sucker balloons ot 3x the size it needs. (Well, for the iframe anyway...)

This is just a suggestion, but div tags would make the html a lot simpler. They're much better for  page layout then tables are, and css works wonders on div tags with class attributes.

If I knew how to use them, I'm sure they would... (Just like if I had used an iframe for my menu at first...)

Truth hurts, but I seriously need a second pair of eyes to spot out what needs improved/fixing. I don't suppose you know any good sites that explain the harder elements of html/CSS coding, do you?

EDIT: Oh yeah, and I think that my hosting site has been doing maintenance today because Filezilla is running like a snail, and SeaMonkey isn't publishing.

[WhiteFox]

Truth hurts, but I seriously need a second pair of eyes to spot out what needs improved/fixing.

I wish more people commented on my comic constructively. Feedback, in my opinion, is essential for any art, design, or writing work.

Ooh. Updated site.

Colour:

This may sound harsh, but even if you like the image, it does not make a very good background for the text. It may be pretty, but it's very distracting. The problem isn't the colour, though, but rather how busy the texture is.

Purple and yellow look good together, but can be quite bright. The objective is to make the text stand out on the background clearly, but having a complimentary colour scheme can be hard on the eyes.

There are ways to moderate this, however:
#660066, #ffff66
Purple-black, and pale yellow text. Lower saturation on the yellow makes it easier to read on a purple background. Light text on dark background is less readable then vice versa.
#009900, #ffcc33
A rich purple background with gold text. A bit of orange in the yellow makes it less of a direct opposite to the purple.
#cc99cc,
Light Greyish Purple, for black text. Low saturation makes the purple less distracting.

There's no reason you can't use the image as a background for the site overall, but any text that appears should have a mild background behind it. You can define the background colour of a table, or a single table cell, though. So you could keep the background image, and make the background of the table its own colour.

Title:

This takes a bit of consideration, but the primary question you want to ask is, what is this site for? You, your writing, or this story in particular? The name of the site should reflect that.

I called my blog "WhiteFox Art Department" because I knew I was going to have all kinds of stuff there, but it was all going to be my work. When I get around to making a site for my comic, DSOF, I'll probably just call the site "DSOF". Or I could call it "Chronicles of the DSOF" or something.

So, pick a title for the novel that actually works for you. Then decide what the site is for, then decide what the title for the site should be.

HTML/CSS:

I'm probably not the best person to ask about online tutorials. I learned CSS out of a book; http://www.sitepoint.com/books/html2/ It's a solid foundation in what you need to know to design a site using HTML and CSS. It's written so people who aren't programmers can understand it, too. The tone is a little trite, tho.

Googled a bit, found this site: http://www.w3schools.com/
http://www.w3schools.com/html/html_intro.asp HTML tutorial
http://www.w3schools.com/css/css_intro.asp CSS Tutorial

Really, HTML and CSS aren't hard to learn. PHP is a monster, but thats an actual programming language.

Errata:

You might want to move the "...made by SeaMonkey..." line to the bottom of the page, and remove the "Thus, it is best viewed in Firefox." comment.

The title might look better with a serifed font. The font it has now is a bit plain for a main header.

Some of the body text is still in a serifed font, namely the second half of the first answer.

[Drayco84]

#009900, #ffcc33
A rich purple background with gold text. A bit of orange in the yellow makes it less of a direct opposite to the purple.

Either SeaMonkey is acting really funky, or #009900 is a dark green... Oh, and this is neat... http://html-color-codes.com/
*Tries #9900cc for background and #ffcc33 for text.* AUGH! TEH BRIGHTNESS! IT BURNS! Holy crap, I can read the text now... Well, I could read it before, but I can read stuff upside down, backwards, horrigbly muspalled, the entire word scrambled so all you've got is the first and last letters in the proper places, and in pig latin, with little trouble. (I used to have a major infatuation with cryptography when I was younger...)

Found the stuff that was clinging onto the Times font I was previously using. Changed that and re-updated.

And I noticed something weird... That site sounds awfully similar to the site that distributes Amaya, a WYSIWYG web editor: http://www.w3.org/Amaya. (Which I've never been able to try because it's not in the repos for my linux distro...) Odd...

[WhiteFox]

Either SeaMonkey is acting really funky, or #009900 is a dark green...

My bad; that should be #990099.

(I used to have a major infatuation with cryptography when I was younger...)

I used to have all kinds of fun with steganography. Have you ever read The Eleventh Hour, or played Fools Errand?

[Drayco84]

No... I have heard of Eleventh Hour, but haven't read it, nor played Fool's Errand. (I had to look up steganography in wikipedia.) And I am familiar with the idea, it just never interested me. (Maybe because I sucked at art...) 

Colors have been changed, and I'm wading through a massive list of commands, properties, classes, and whatnot for html, xhtml, and css. An update to a new layout is gonna take a while...

Thanks for your help so far, WhiteFox.

[WhiteFox]

Thanks for your help so far, WhiteFox.

No problem.

[Drayco84]

Story update, Part 9 of Ep 2. OMG!!11!1! TEH PLOT TWISTS!!1!!one!1!!!11!!

EDIT: Hey, are any of you guys on my forum and posting spam-links? I know it's deader than dorrnails, but please don't be rude...

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Generally speaking, spam links come from bots, not people.

In my experience, anyway.

[Drayco84]

Joy! I gots bots! (Grabs some magnets...)

Thanks for the heads up.

[Drayco84]

Well, I woke up this morning from a dream... A bizarre dream in fact... I think it might've been the results of seeing a few snatches of a bunch of old westerns (WHICH I HATE WITH A PASSION!) and chowing down on ice cream cake earlier the day before. (Lactose intolerance is a bitch. That's all I'm gonna say...)

The dream could be summarized like this... Wild Arms plus metamorphic furries. Considering that I've never played any of the Wild Arms games, this is probably waaaaaaay off-base, but it's not like I've ever let that stop me before! Part of the results of this crazy idea follow in the next post...

I would appreciate any feedback anybody has to offer. What do you like, what do you hate, insults about my mother, threats about continuing the story "or else", etc., etc.

[Drayco84]

Earth has been ravaged by unknown, or perhaps unwritten forces, turning the once-green paradise into a massive desert interspaced with plains. Pockets of arable land are scarce, and thus are constantly fought over. Humanity is a shadow of its former self, with small towns scattered amongst the harsh sands and armed with only a medieval level of technology to protect itself. Creatures known as metamorphs, or "metas", roam freely, able to change between a mostly-human guise and an anthromorphic form at will. (Those that are half-animal are referred to as "morphs".) Rare and powerful weapons from the days before The Cataclysm called Arms are used by those who find them, weapons with power, speed, and range far beyond the limits of current technology. Females outnumber males three-to-one, reversing most of the ages-old gender roles. It is an era of lawlessness and roaming monsters. The strong prey upon the weak, and few have the power to stop it.
However, the services of those few give hope to the hopeless, strength to the weak, and a rather decent profit margin to security-based services. There are many wrongs that must be righted, and for those that have the coinage, they usually get their rights faster than others. Hunters are divided into combat styles... Slingers use either blades, guns, or spells to defeat their enemies, specializing in speed and power. Without a doubt, they're the most common type of hunter. Knights focus on defense and use heavy weapons, which are usually attached to their armor or shields. Thus, their focus is on defense and stamina. Mystics focus on using devastating magical powers. Their spells take time to charge up, but the results can level whole towns. Brawlers are those that forsake weapons, preferring to use their bare hands or claws to defeat their enemies. They're almost always metas, and their other form is usually quite powerful. Engineers make and utilize some downright dangerous and/or ingenious weapons, including prototype guns and a wide variety of bombs. Healers are rare and usually just stick around one town, tending to the sick and wounded with their highly specialized magic and astounding abilities with compounding medicines. Those that do travel around usually have an escort or three. Rouges are those that use styles from two or more of the above classes. They're the rarest type, but also the most unpredictable in combat.
In this setting, a mysterious young bishonen named Zyru emerges. A creature of unknown heritage, he's a dragon-meta that calls himself "The Red-Moon Rogue" and has just started to gain some credibility as a hunter. We meet up with him in Rivergulch, a small town that harbors the infamous "Ivory Fang", wanted for three bank robberies, five stagecoach hijackings, and kidnapping several popular bordello workers from a variety of towns...

"Sheesh, can you believe I keep getting away with this, girls?" The well-built, gray-haired wolf-meta boasted.
"I know!" One of her underlings exclaimed, fondling one of their captives.
"Please let us go..." He begged, still blindfolded.
"Eh, maybe if you give us a good time..." Her other underling smirked, groping another captive through his thin uniform.
Then, in an all-too-cliched manner, the swinging door opened as a figure in a dark blue cloak and matching pants entered. The cloak hung down to the figure's knees and wrapped around their torso, covering their face. They wore dark-colored boots obviously made for traveling in, and a wide-brimmed hat with an odd, oval-shaped hole in the middle of the stranger's forehead. What the hat and cloak didn't cover, the sunglasses did, ensuring that the only thing that wasn't covered was their long, silver hair that came down to the bottom of their neck.
The stranger ignored the three sitting at the table and walked right for the bar. Without a word, they sat down on a stool and reached out with a hand partially covered by a fingerless glove to lay some coins on the counter.
"A soda, please." They stated.
"Here you are." The bartender, a burly, world-weary woman stated, taking the coins in exchange for the drink. The stranger moved the cloak away from their effeminate face and began sipping at the beverage.
"Do you think thats..." One of the underlings began.
"Nah, couldn't be..." The other stated. "Male hunters just don't exist. It's probably just some bishie on their way to a bordello."
"Let's find out, girls..." The wolf-meta suggested, smiling lecherously as she stood up. With a bold swagger, she walked up to the stranger and sat beside them. "So, what brings you out here, young sir?" She asked.
"I'm looking for a wolf-meta that calls herself 'Ivory Fang'." They replied, their voice somewhat masculine.
"Well, that's rather interesting..." She grinned wickedly. "I'm the Ivory Fang you're looking for! What business do you have with me?
"The last town I was at posted a bounty for your head. Seems you ran off with some of the bordello's employees." They replied, still calmly sipping their drink.
"Well, a female does have her needs..." She began. "But, that doesn't explain what a cute little thing like you is doing here."
"Isn't it obvious?" They began. "I'm here to get the bounty."
The laughter from the wolf-meta and her two goons was loud, obnoxious, and long. Eventually, they calmed down enough for the wolf-meta to resume speaking, while the two goons crept around to the stranger's backside.
"Hoooh boy..." She began, wiping a tear from her eye. "It's been some time since I heard one that good. But seriously little boy, lemme explain a few things. One, you're a male, and one with such a pretty face too. You should be employed in a bordello somewhere and making a much safer living. Two, bounty hunting is dangerous work. I've seen many young and capable women get taken down in their prime because they overestimated their abilities or underestimated their quarry. Three, my gang and I have taken down several opponents that were much more experienced than you. Since you're obviously gung-ho about this and don't know what you're getting into, we'll let you off easy. Just to make sure you know your place, we're gonna smack you around a little, and then take turns using you until you're-" The wolf-meta was interrupted by a flash of movement from the stranger, and found herself staring into the business end of a pipe-like piece of metal...
"Boss! He's got an Arms!" One of her goons blurted.
"The hell?!" She gasped, suddenly on the defensive. "Now wait a second little boy..." She nervously began, watching him take another drink using his right hand while the weapon stayed still. "I don't think you realize just how dangerous the thing you're holding is..."
"Oh, yes I do..." He began, taking off his sunglasses to reveal a pair of almond-shaped eyes with silver, reptilian pupils. "I've been using these things since I was five." He then tucked them into a pocket or something inside the cloak.
"Boss?" The other goon asked, hesitant.
"He's a dragon-meta!" She almost screamed. "Don't hold back!"
While the two goons drew their weapons, there was a flash of whirling movement from the bishonen as the blade connected with the metal they held, knocking the objects out of their hands. When he had stopped, the weapon in his left was pointed at the goons, while a second one was pointed at their boss. Finally, they noticed just what kind of Arms he was holding... A pair of magazine-fed .44 magnums with blades that ran parallel to the barrel and extended from the hand-guard that attached to the handle, giving the weapon a foot-long, single-edged blade that extended a foot past the end of the barrel.
"What the hell kind of Arms are those?!" The wolf-meta gasped. "Nobody has the technology to recreate them!"
"Well, my mentor happens to know a great engineer who modified these. Pretty spiffy, huh?" He replied, grinning with a mouth full of too-sharp teeth.
"Yes, I think I'll do you a favor and take them off your hands!" She growled, as one of the goons rushed in. The stranger jumped towards the wolf-meta in response and fired off a shot into the lunging goon's shoulder.
"Augh!" She screamed, cradling her wounded limb.
"Enough!" He snapped. "Put your weapons down slowly." He ordered. Carefully and cautiously, the three did as ordered. "Put these on." He stated, putting one weapon away and tossing the two goons a couple pairs of handcuffs.
"You're going to regret this..." The wolf-meta snarled.
"If I had ten bucks everytime I heard that..." He sighed. "Are you going to come quietly now? It looks like your underling needs medical attention."
"Forget her, and screw you! She suddenly snarled, leaping at him while changing into her anthromorphic wolf form.
He fired a shot into her right thigh as he stepped aside, watching her crash into a table. She gasped in pain while holding her injured limb, then growled at him.
"You bastard! That hurt!"
"Well, DUH." He countered. "Now, I'm going to take you three to the sheriff's office and I better not have any more trouble, understand?"
The two goons nodded, and he put away one of the weapons in time for the sheriff to burst into the place.
"I heard Arms' fire, what the hell's going on?!" She demanded.
"Oh, that saves me some time." He began. "I'm Zyru, the Red-Moon Rogue, and I'm turning in the Ivory Fang and her two accomplices."
"You... Are a bounty hunter?" She asked, doubtful at first, then noticed the fact that he was still standing, but the other three weren't. "Erm, on second thought, I'll take your word for it. Help me drag them to the jail, then..."

   Some dragging and paperwork later...
"Okay, Zyru..." She sighed. "All the paperwork's done, those three are behind bars, and the healer is taking care of the two you shot. Here's your claim form proving you captured them and that they're in my custody. Now, all you have to do is get those males back to their bordello."
"Will do, ma'am." He replied, walking out the door.
"How does a male that young get their hands on Arms?" She asked herself, once he had left.

   One boring scene freeing the males and escorting them back to the previous town...
"Oh, my poor dears!" The bordello owner gasped. "Did they hurt you, my darlings?"
"No sir, we're fine..." The oldest among them answered. "Well, they did rough us up a bit, but not much worse than some of our clients..."
"Oh, that's good to hear..." He stated, relieved. "As for you, young male, you really shouldn't be chasing such dangerous criminals..."
"Look, it's no problem, really. I've done it before." Zyru stated, worried that the bordello owner was coming on to him. "I believe you mentioned a reward?"
"Oh yes, my apologies." He stated, handing over the money. Zyru quickly counted it and desposited it in a pouch under his cloak. "Really though, a beautiful male like yourself should be in a safer line of work... Why don't you give up hunting and work for me? You'll be a popular favorite among the locals and travelers in no time!"
"Erm, thanks for the offer, but I'd rather stick with what I've got..." Zyru replied, not liking the look in the bordello owner's eyes.
"Oh, suit yourself, cutie." He replied. "The offer still stands in case you ever change your mind, though."
"My mentor would kill me if I took it..." He sighed, and walked out the door...

   More boring stuff...
After restocking on supplies and rearranging them in the magical courier bag, Zyru set off on the road back to Rivergultch, since due to his business, he didn't have time to read up on any bounties being offered by the locals. He didn't get too far before it was time to camp for the night, and the night was uneventful. The next day was even more uneventful, and the night was just as uneventful. (Hey, this isn't a video game, okay?! What do you want, twenty pages of non-stop fighting? If you want that, go write it yourself, ya ingrate!)
Eventually, Zyru arrived in time to notice a gaping, still-smoking hole in the side of the jail. He went in to investiagte and found the sheriff unconsious, and bleeding from several wounds. Being the kind of person he was, he carried her to the healer's house, commenting under his breath about how she needed to lose some weight, and informed the healer what he noticed. His task with the sheriff done, he looked around the town for the escapees, but couldn't find them. Disappointed, he headed back to the healer's and waited for the sheriff to wake up. Eventually, the healer chased him off and advised him to stay at the hotel. After renting a room, he wandered around town until a couple hours before dark and then crawled into bed and went to sleep.
The next morning, Zyru found that not only was the sheriff awake, but was explaining the situation to a group of bounty hunters...
"Alright, for those of you that haven't heard, Ivory Fang broke out of jail yesterday. It appears that she had more members in her gang than everyone thought, so we're posting a bounty on the whole gang!" She yelled out to the crowd. "We think their base of operations is in the nearby valley, at the old mining camp. Now remember, we're paying on a per-kill and per-capture basis, so there's no reason why all you can't work together on this. In fact, since the area is no doubt heavily guarded, it's probably the best way to proceed. All of you should take your time and prepare for a firefight. Good luck, and do your best." The speech done, the crowd dispersed, and Zyru got the sheriff's attention.
"I see you're up and about." He stated.
"Yeah, but our healer won't let me join the hunt." She replied.
"You're lucky all you got hit with was debris from the explosion." He told her. "Well, I need to prepare for the hunt..."
"While I appreciate your enthusiasm, I think you should let the others take care of this." She curtly told him.
"Uh-huh... Did you forget who took them down the first time?" He asked.
"Yes, but that was only three of them, you caught them off-guard, and they underestimated you." She replied. "This time they won't make that mistake. Look, I appreciate your efforts and concerns, but this is going to be a serious firefight, and there's no room for a little boy trying to play hunter, okay?"
"Little boy trying to play hunter?!" He snarled, almost losing his temper and letting his hands change into claws. "Listen, I've collected ten bounties so far!"
"Then you should thank whatever deity you pray to that you've been lucky and haven't gotten killed yet." She flatly replied. "Look, find a nice woman with a good career and settle down. Or, if you can't find one, you'd be quite popular in a bordello. Hell, I'll put in a good word for you with Madame Eclair here if you want. I'll bet she'd love to take in a pretty boy like you."
"GrrrrrrrrAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Zyru roared, forming a highly-compressed ball of flames in his hand and flinging it at the ground. On impact, the sphere exploded, making a mushroom-shaped pillar of fire as wide around and as tall as he was.
"There's no reason to get upset, little boy." The sheriff sighed. "I'm only trying to help..." She then walked off, leaving the dragon-meta angry and frustrated.

[WhiteFox]

I would appreciate any feedback anybody has to offer.

I'd suggest taking more time to revise. Refine everything, and cut out what isn't necessary. Make every word count.

Everything italics; I never read introduction material. If it's important to a story, it should be covered in the story. If it's not important to the story, it doesn't need to be brought up at all.

The story itself seems a bit cliched, and relies heavily on the setting rather then the characters.

[Drayco84]

Hmmm... Got a point there... Especially with the backstory, I keep trying to start things off with backstory.

[WhiteFox]

Exposition is the fastest way to kill a story. IMHO? If the backstory is interesting, it should be the story.

[Drayco84]

Yes, but I've also found out something else... Something important...

I HATE MY CHARACTERS!

And why do I hate them? Why do I hate the precious offspring born from the copulation of my mind and soul? (IT CAN'T BE UNTHOUGHT!)  Simple! They're boring. Take a look at Zyru, for example here. He's a guy in a woman's world. He's new, he's young, he's already seen it all and you can't surprise him. EVERYTHING just-so-happens to fall into his lucky lap. In a word, he's perfect.

THIS IS WHY HE'S BORING! THIS IS WHY I HATE HIM!

He has NO flaws! No weaknesses! He didn't even run into a damn random encounter on his way from one city to another! (Tell me, how often does that happen in RPGs, hmmm?) And If I hate him enough to want to slap him across the face and walk away, why should anyone else give a damn about what happens to him?!

I suppose it hasn't helped matters much that I've spent the past year or so doing nothing but moping around and feeling sorry for myself. (Amazing what happens when you use meditation to get your brain to SHUT THE HELL UP FOR TEN MINUTES!) Ugh... So yes, I'm angry. As far as I'm concerned, anger is better than depression. Anger can be focused, channeled, harnessed, and utilized. Depression just makes you want to jump off the first cliff you find. (Or string yourself up with your mouse cor-no, wait... That's working in tech support... Nvm...)

So, relying on notes from this: http://www.pgtelco.com/~slmiller/fictiontips.htm, I have a few steps. Step one: Open, very general outline. Step two, make character flaws and stick with them. (Maybe lessen them a little over time due to character growth, but only a little!.)  Step three: Less telling, more SHOWING. Step four: More inter-character conflict. Step five: http://www.wikihow.com/Meditate Close eyes... Focus Breathing rhythm... Relax... Release inhibitions... Quiet thoughts... Relax... Quiet thoughts... Empty mind... Quiet thoughts... Open eyes... Ow!Hhow the hell did this room get so bright?!

If I get around to it, I'll start the re-writing tomorrow. Currently, I'm replaying Metal Saga. (Rare Atlus RPG with tanks. You heard me, tanks. Panzer, Tiger, Whirbelwind, Gespard, Lulubelle, and the ever-popular Maus. Yes, those tanks. Also has the shortest playthrough time ever of a whopping two minutes if you pick the right conversation path at the start of the game.)