Chronicles of Clan D'nasus (Prologue chapter 11/26/09)

[Techcubi]

Prologue
It was a gloomy day. It was a foggy day. It was a day most beings would have stayed inside for the whole twenty-four hours. However, unfortunately, today was the day Ryan P. Giano had to go to his work. Just like the other four days he had to go to work. The black-furred rat shivered, only wearing  a white sleeveless shirt, and, blue shorts. Today was just not his day. Or, the day for any being, really. There had been rumors that a group of soul-stealing cubi were in town, devouring the souls of pretty much any being they got their hands on.

Of course, they WERE probably just rumors.....Although, there were a few murdered beings, who didn't have any physical injuries at all, making it all the more likely for the rumors to be true. After all, no physical injuries meant a mental attack, ooooorrrr.....that someone had stolen their very souls. Trying to put the rumors in the back of his head, Ryan continued walking. However, soon enough, he began to felt this eerie sensation. Like....Someone was watching him. Reading his very thoughts, infact. Suddenly, Ryan broke into a run. However, he soon heard Footsteps all around him, breaking into runs as well. And, then, it was over. Someone had tackled him down to the ground, not letting him moving a muscle. Then, suddenly, his assailant turned him around. Ryan gaped in horror. It was a cubi. A male, wolf cubi. A male, wolf cubi, with red wings, and, black clothes of some type.

The Incubus grinned. "Well, well, well. He's a rat. Not the tastiest morsel, or, so I've heard, but, he'll do." Staring in horror, Ryan said in a fearful tone, "WAIT! Please, no. DON'T DO THIS TO ME! I may not have a wife, but I still have an adopted daughter!" The wolf chuckled. "Well, isn't that sweet." Then, five other wolf cubi stepped into view. The one holding Ryan down said, "I guess we'll have to share. It's just too bad that your adopted Daughter is never going to see you, again. It's time for your end. Your TRUE end....."

Then, suddenly, something wrapped around the neck of one of the other wolf cubi, and, yanked him out of view. Then, another one disappeared. There were screams, and, then....Nothing. Then, suddenly, someone else stepped into view. Another cubi. Although, this one wasn't a wolf. From what Ryan could tell, this one was a male feline. Although, he couldn't seem to tell much more beyond that. Suddenly, the feline spoke up "So, there are still some of you Amar Clan jokers left, huh? You know what's worse than your emotional affinity for horror? The fact that you're soul-murderers, and, have some of the same beliefs as that fanatic psychopath, who thought she had spoken to the Gods."

Gasping, fear on their faces, one of the Wolf cubi pointed at him and said, "It's....It's.....YOU! That Kid abomination we fought 18 years ago." The feline chuckled. "Yeah. And, it wasn't for you sharing the non-kid hurting belief, I might be dead. However, considering I'm NOT.....I think it's time to time for me to pass judgement on you four, like I did the other two. So, first off.....Jarin Amar?" Then, there was a single slashing sound, like a butter knife quickly cutting through butter. "Your punishment is decapitation. Garen Amar?" There were multiple slashing sounds. "Your punishment is Dismemberment. Arkus Amar?" A ripping sound.  "Well.....Lets' just say, your heart's no longer with your body." Meanwhile, the wolf cubi holding Ryan down was currently looking at the feline, as he approached them. Then, the Feline said, while the wolf had a look of horror on his muzzle, "As for you, Markos Amar, worst of your clan...." Suddenly,  a metallic-looking head tentacle wrapped around the wolf's neck. "Your punishment? Choked to death...." As the wolf gagged, The feline suddenly appeared to change his mind, and, tightened his  grip. The wolf's neck made a snapping sound, and the tentacle released his neck, making the wolf fall down to the ground, completely limp. "On the other hand, just crushing your neck works....." Then, the feline turned to him. The strangest looking feline cubi Ryan had ever seen. He had green fur, a dark green Fauxhawk , green angelic style wings on both his shoulder blades, and, on his head,  and, he wore Dark green pants. And, the weird parts of the feline's appearance? His wing tentacles were metallic colored, he had various metallic-colored patterns on his body, and, he had black eyes and red irises.

Smiling, the green feline said, "Hey, there. I am Techus, Techno-organic Cubi, of clan D'nasus. And, I swear by my clan, all soul-murderers, and cubi religious fanatics will be brought to justice. Anyway, perhaps, I'll see you sometime in the future. Maybe....." Then, the feline turned around, and, walked out of view.

As Ryan sat up, he looked around. He didn't feel any weird feelings, anymore. Although, the feline had seemed weird. Also, he had managed to get one last look at feline, before the Feline was leaving. On his right wrist, the feline cubi had a Yellow symbol, that looked like a DNA strand. It was probably just some unimportant clan that the feline was from. Although, he would check out the town library later, to make sure.  But, now, he had a job to get to......

[Tapewolf]

Interesting read, though I do have a couple of points of critique.  I wouldn't take these too much to heart, i.e. please don't take them as my saying "you're useless, give up",  but you might find them of use for the future.

1. The wolves as the bad guys.  I'll admit I have a hard time coming up with races for characters, which is why most of mine are canid.  But there's just something a little offputting about typecasting wolves in that manner.  Yes, I'm a bit biased and I tried very hard not to do that in my own writings, but personal bias aside, there is something a wee bit cliché about the whole wolf=evil thing.

2. Taken at face value it comes off slightly Mary-Sue, i.e. bad guys come along, the author's personal character beats the crap out of them and saves the day.  I'm not going to pass judgement on that, this is after all, the prologue - 'White Wolf' started very much like this since it was basically showing off the hero and explaining what he does.  That is fine.

What I'm saying is this - be aware that it is a very easy trap to fall into that your own personal character goes around righting wrongs infallibly without pause or error.  I went a bit like that in my earlier writings, but I'd like to think I corrected it as the series went on.

3. Looks like you're casting the bad guys as a Jyraneth offshoot.  Did you ask about that?  I guess one of my aims in adding them to the wiki was to make it easier for multiple writers to retain continuity with each other, but on the other hand, Keaton did create them herself and it would only be polite to ask first.
That and she may have suggestions/opinions about how they are used.

EDIT:
4. As an aside, Amber seems lately to have been scaling back the whole "'Cubi = soul-stealing maniacs" thing.  The emphasis on their doing that seems to have been decreased a lot as DMFA went on to the point where she's stated that most 'Cubi don't like killing their prey at all since then they can't harvest emotions from them.  Kind of like gathering apples vs chopping the tree down and burning it...
In other words, we don't know how often 'Cubi do the soul-eating thing.  It might be something they only do fairly rarely or in certain circumstances -  though since they tend to remain obscure, rumours are liable to exaggerate that a lot amongst Beings.  With the Jyraneth I've remarked that they tend to be considered barbaric as they would devour souls and kill people fairly regularly.

To summarise point 4 : the soul-eating thing makes a great threat or enemy, but don't overuse it

[Techcubi]

1. Well, instead of having a prologue chapter, I was originally going to just make chapter 1 first, featuring Techus in an adventurer guise, travelling with actual adventurers on a quest. Although, last night, my internet was acting retarded, and, after I restarted my computer, it turned out Word didn't save. Anyway, the chapter 1 bad guys are going to be weres, who have a cubi who's a traitor to the D'nasus clan among them.

2. Well......It's an intro chapter.

3. Eh, not really....I can edit it if she wants, though. Although, any cubi with similar beliefs to the Jyraneth clan might be the ideal enemies for anyone of the D'nasus clan.

4. I'll try not to

[Tapewolf]

3. Eh, not really....I can edit it if she wants, though. Although, any cubi with similar beliefs to the Jyraneth clan might be the ideal enemies for anyone of the D'nasus clan.

Yeah.   Anyway, keep it up - I'll be interested to see how it unfolds.

[techmaster-glitch]

I do find this to be a rather interesting concept. Like tapewolf says though, we'll have to see how well the execution goes...though if anything, I think this guy would make a nice RP character.


One note though, I think you want to rewrite this little section:

He had green fur, a dark green Fauxhawk , green angelic style wings on both his shoulder blades, and, on his head,  and, he wore Dark green pants. And, the weird parts of the feline's appearance?