Computer Talk

[Angel]

This is just being started for my amusement, but I know that at some point, everyone in the world has gotten so frustratd with their computer's stupidity that they've started talking to it to get it to work. Sometimes we try to butter it up, sometimes we threaten it, other times we negotiate. People tell you, "It's an inanimate object. It can't hear you." But could a machine seemingly capable of being a complete brat really be inanimate?

So here, you can post what you've said to your computer to get it to work. Please try to edit swears if they are particularly violent, but other than that, go for it.

My current favorite:

"I can wait as long as you can, pal."

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Don't anthropomorphise computers. They hate that.

[Ryudo Lee]

Oh I've got a bunch of 'em.  I talk to my machines all the time.

*Slamming fists into the keyboard* "You like that?!  Huh!?  You want more!?" *Slamming fists into the keyboard* (To a repeating BSOD, broke the keyboard too...)

"Don't blow up don't blow up don't blow up..." (To my computer when I first put it together and turned it on for the first time... it didn't blow up)

"You know what?  You have issues." (To my laptop when it dropped my wireless connection in the back room of my house, even though my wireless access point is only two rooms away)

"Oh you poor thing, what did they do to you now?" (To a machine in the office that a user has single-handedly locked up)

"This is supposed to work.  Why won't you let it work?" (To an office laptop while trying to set up a Blackberry on it... as it turned out, the BB didn't like the docking station the laptop was on for some reason)

[e_voyager]

(from 21 century fox)
""computer's aren't very good at questioning there assumptions'" "or their orders" "or there sanity." "neither are people.""

[Cogidubnus]

Not so much what I've said, really.

Nine beats on the drum, 13 gallons of goats blood, draw the star from the right-to-left, not the other way around.

[Dannysaysnoo]

"People think that computers will stop them making mistakes. They're wrong. With computers, you make mistakes faster"

"Jizzing to Golden Girls? On MY screen! How very dare you! no internet for two weeks!"

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

[Dannysaysnoo]

"If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0"

[VSMIT]

And here I thought it was "If at first you don't succeed, call it a beta and distribute it to as many people as you can."

[Gabi]

Nothing too funny, just things like "dale... cargate de una vez." (Come on, load once and for all.)

[e_voyager]

shusssh you'll crash the computer if it hears you

[Aisha deCabre]

*voice pitch rising* "Oh no...no, you're kidding me.  You're KIDDING me.  You can't do this to me AGAIN!"

--Me when one time my computer started up and just froze at the desktop without icons, forcing me to restart.  Last time that happened I had to reformat the thing.

Otherwise I don't talk to my computer.  When all else fails, smack it.  So says the motto of those not computer-inclined.

[Suwako]

I just say the ordinary things, like..

Zucht, waarom .. (sigh, why?)
You got to be kidding me.
whatthe****
kut ding (piece of crap)

[e_voyager]

no no BSOD No BSOD! screams and runs.

[Ryudo Lee]

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer.

No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.

Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.

The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.

The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

All Constants are Variables.

Constants aren't.
Variables won't.

The hard drive on your computer will only crash when it contains vital information that has not been backed up.

Computers don't make errors-What they do they do on purpose.

[Angel]

"Come on, doll, whaddya say? Please? Do it for me?"

"MOVE IT ALREADY!"

"Come on, Come ON, COME ON!"

(staring at the little green bar at the bottom of the screen) "Move."

And various forms of any speech beginning like this. "Okay, I don't like you and you don't like me..."

[Kitsune Ascendant]

My personal most used has to be "You did not just do that to me", possibly repeated with intermittent cursing depending on the severity of the affront.

[Ren Gaulen]

Growl through clenched teeth: "Don't you die on me or I'll murder you horribly..."

With a tired sigh: "And so you have failed me for the last time... AGAIN!!!!!"

In a hysterical voice: "Oh, no, oh, God, no!!! No, no... Work, work, for the love of... Oh, God, it seems to wor... OH GOD NO!!! [going Vader] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Waiting for something to load: "Could we move along?"

After a problem is solved: "Yare-yare, daze..."

[Shadrok]

Something I said a lot back when my computer was giving me problems (just before the hard drive died)

"Come on baby... come on.... Just start up... just let me.... Oh for the love of.... ARAHHH! Blasted blame thing. *growls* Blame piece of junk."


Often said when I'm waiting for something to finish downloading – "I'll be back."

Often said when my laptop goes into hibernation mode – "What the... oh." *plugs it into the nearest outlet.*

Often said when running virus scans, defragging, or 3d rendering. – "Ok I'll just let you do your thing and I'll be back later."

Often said when a computer at work decides not to work or does something stupid. – "AI : Artificial  Idiot."

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

And then there's the dread saying, that you never want to hear your computer geek say when trying to get your machine working.

"Hmmm. That's odd..."

[Ren Gaulen]

I have found a good example of "computer talk" on YouTube. Behold!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oExOSrej61o&feature=related

[Angel]

I have found a good example of "computer talk" on YouTube. Behold!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oExOSrej61o&feature=related

Slightly amusing, but what are those lines from?

[Ren Gaulen]

I have found a good example of "computer talk" on YouTube. Behold!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oExOSrej61o&feature=related

Slightly amusing, but what are those lines from?

The lines are from a game "Jojo's Bizarre Adventure" (if I am not mistaken) based on manga of the same name. They belong to Dio Brando, a villain of the manga who had the power to stop the world and do some other neat stuff. Here is a video that demonstrates what Dio likes to do to his foes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bti1b77_Hjc&feature=related

[techmaster-glitch]

WRYYYYY! has show up in alot of places. here's where I first saw it.
In fact, there is a whole trope built around it.

Back to the original topic, my internet was being a little more fussy than usual, and I happened to think of this topic while dealing with it. I came up with:
"Come on, you and I both know I've got a schedule to keep. Now connect already!"

[e_voyager]

moronic user error : details : if I had hands I'd slap you silly
must be a common fault i see it all the time. .