[Story] Love Hurts-now with 20-30% more detail!

[Silver Pomeranian Genji]

I just completed my first DMFA fic. I'm gonna upload it on Fanfiction.net some time this month, but I thought I'd share it with you, get some feedback and such. Ready and set and go now!

Overdrive Operations, Inc, in collaboration with MowTV proudly present: Love Hurts: A DMFA fanfic.

There are many ways to tick your girlfriend off and make her break up with you, bash your face in or both. Examples include, but aren't limited to: forgetting her birthday, forgetting your anniversary or cheating on her with another girl. For a certain Succubus and the third scenario...well, you'd best not try it with her. It all started on the penultimate day of the couple's anniversary....

"So, Jard, you've any plans for our one year anniversary?" asked Messafint.

"Uh..yeah, about that..." began Jard.

"What is it. You aren't seeing another girl behind my back are you?" Messafint inquired. "Because if you are...."

"No, babe it ain't that, I promise, it's just that I promised my sister on back on Animus that I'd visit her after I graduate."

"Aww, that's sweet of you, but you still haven't answered my question."

"What ques—ohhh, now I getcha. It's a secret, so get ready to be surprised."

"Eee, I cant wait!" Messafint squealed.

Minutes passed, then hours. Classes began and ended like clockwork. As Messafint happily walked along, she was going to receive the shock of her life. A shock which would lead to a broken heart for the young Succubus, and broken bones for Jard.

I can't wait to see what my Jardikins has planned for tomorrow, thought Messafint. I bet he'll give me an amazing, special gift, just like the day we met.

~~One Year Ago~~

"That ought to teach that scum Jackson to lie to me," muttered Messafint as she angrily marched away from the battered and bruised remains of her latest romantic fiasco. Tears then streamed down her cheeks as she thought, 'Course now that means I'm alone, again. Why can't I be happy sticking with one boyfriend and be done with it?

While the giant rat succubus tried to make sense of her erratic love life, a Dalmatian Incubus named Jard was walking down the same hallway as Messafint, carrying a morning-star. As he walked, his mind wandered in a different direction, puzzling over his strange going-away gift.

It was nice of Mom to leave me her morning-star, but I think it'd be better suited for Rebecca. thought Jard. I mean, this is a cruddy Adventurer's weapon, not at all fit for an Incubus like myself.

At that precise moment, either fate, destiny or whatever personification of love decided to make Messafint and Jard bump into each other and fall to the floor.

"Hey, watch where you're going you...," Messafint began, but was rendered speechless by, in her mind, a ravishing specimen of 'Cubi heaven, a seven-foot god, if you will. Her knees knocking and heart pounding, all Messafint could squeak out was a timid "hello".

"Hi, back at'cha. Nope, don't say a word. I'd like to be your boyfriend, and to prove it, here's a gift, from me to you."

As quick as you can say "anthropogenically", Jard handed Messafint his morning-star, after which Messafint fainted.

"Uhh, is there a medic handy?" Jard asked. "Anyone?"

As if to answer his question, RJ, a squirrel succubus, happened to pass by the pair and, hoisting her unconscious schoolmate over her shoulder, casually walked in the direction of Dr Ink's office.

"Thanks," Jard called out. "If she wakes up, tell her to meet me later."

~~Present Day~~

Now I can finally get to see my sweetie-Cubi, thought Messafint, her heart beating faster with every step she took. I can't wait to...  Messafint's train of thought was interrupted by a steady stream of random thoughts, such as "Hey, babe, wanna hang out later?", "I don't know, Jard. Won't your girlfriend find out?" and "Aw, she won't mind, she's too lovey-dovey over me to notice. 'Sides, I've outgrown her, and I needed to spread my wings. No pun intended."

Wait a tic, is that Jard? Messafint thought. It is Jard, but who's that with him? It sounds like another girl. That bastard! He promised me he wasn't going to see any other girls, and that I was his girl. Well, it's time to teach Jard a lesson in breaking my heart...by breaking his spine.

Messafint, heart broken into a thousand shards and blinded by the rage upon which her clan fed, whipped out her morning-star, the same morning-star Jard gave her the day they met, and stomped her way towards the doomed Incubus and his new lover. On the way, Messafint just happened to pass by Abel, sitting outside his and Dan's shared room.

Hey, here comes Messafint, thought Abel. Looks like she's about to hurt someone... Let's see: Dalmatian 'Cubi, brown hair, seven feet tall... Nahhh, couldn't be. Better make sure, though.

"So... I take it you finally caught Jard cheating on you?"

"Grrr... I figured his skull should match my heart: smashed and broken!"

Not saying another word afterwards, Messafint bitterly marched towards where her mind's eye said her ex-lover and his new wench would be. Finally, after much searching, she found exactly where the doomed couple was.

"M-Messafint?" asked a frightened Jard. "It's not what it looks like, I swear!"

"Oh, it's exactly what it looks like," Messafint growled. "How could you do this to me, after you freaking promised me that you wouldn't see any other girls."

"Listen, babe..."

"Don't 'listen, babe' me, you lying son of a..."

After that, Jard awoke in Dr. Ink's office with no memory of what happened, half a pint of blood missing, an irrational fear of commitment, several bruises and an irrational fear of anything round, spiked and/or on a stick. The moral of this tale: Never, under any circumstance, cheat on a girl what carries a handheld weapon. Oh, and love hurts. Literally.

Happy Valentine's Day from all of us at Overdrive Operations, Inc.

[techmaster-glitch]

   I'm going to be as honest as I can. This critique is meant to help you improve, and I'm not trying to kill you, so please don't bite me.

   This actually was fairly good writing, you set it up fairly nicely, but when the actual moment of Messafint finding out Jard, you fell flat on your face. What should have been the climax of your ministory actually was the least clearly written paragraph of the entire story. There was absolutely no description, nothing says what exactly Messafint was seeing or hearing. It's just a paragraph of her blowing from one though to the next emotionlessly.
   Maybe I'm being overly harsh, but I just feel a little let down. Like I said, it was good writing, and nice setup, but you missed what was supposed to be the entire point of the story. But it was a good try.

   Here's a constructive suggestion; try rewriting that scene. Slow it down, space it out, make it longer. Try to describe each moment, like, she's walking down the hallways and hears Jard's voice with another girl's. She looks into a classroom and sees Jard standing very close to the other girl, talking to her. Messafint is confused. Some more dialogue, then bring in the kiss, and slam the emotions home. Describe each emotion Messafint feels throughout the entire scene; curiosity, confusion, suspicion, shock, realization, sadness, anger. Description is your dearest friend.
   I'm not expecting anything mind-blowing, but you just need something more than the sudden gust that was that scene. You don't even have to do every thing I just suggested, you can write the scene however you want. All you need is more description for the most important part. That's all.
   If you get this one scene right, the entire story will be very good, worth reading, and certainly above-average. But since you messed up the pivotal scene, even though the rest was good, the whole story flops.

(a smaller nitpick more than anything, you might want to also rewrite how Fint and Jard meet; it's a little cheesy, abrupt, and slightly unrealistic. But that's not strictly necessary, though)

In conclusion, you have some very recognizable talent and potential. Just work on your climax scenes, and you will be a very good writer. (now all we need is someone to come by and tell me how much of an asshole I was with that review for being unfair to the newbie )

[Silver Pomeranian Genji]

   I'm going to be as honest as I can. This critique is meant to help you improve, and I'm not trying to kill you, so please don't bite me.

   This actually was fairly good writing, you set it up fairly nicely, but when the actual moment of Messafint finding out Jard, you fell flat on your face. What should have been the climax of your ministory actually was the least clearly written paragraph of the entire story. There was absolutely no description, nothing says what exactly Messafint was seeing or hearing. It's just a paragraph of her blowing from one though to the next emotionlessly.
   Maybe I'm being overly harsh, but I just feel a little let down. Like I said, it was good writing, and nice setup, but you missed what was supposed to be the entire point of the story. But it was a good try.

   Here's a constructive suggestion; try rewriting that scene. Slow it down, space it out, make it longer. Try to describe each moment, like, she's walking down the hallways and hears Jard's voice with another girl's. She looks into a classroom and sees Jard standing very close to the other girl, talking to her. Messafint is confused. Some more dialogue, then bring in the kiss, and slam the emotions home. Describe each emotion Messafint feels throughout the entire scene; curiosity, confusion, suspicion, shock, realization, sadness, anger. Description is your dearest friend.
   I'm not expecting anything mind-blowing, but you just need something more than the sudden gust that was that scene. You don't even have to do every thing I just suggested, you can write the scene however you want. All you need is more description for the most important part. That's all.
   If you get this one scene right, the entire story will be very good, worth reading, and certainly above-average. But since you messed up the pivotal scene, even though the rest was good, the whole story flops.

(a smaller nitpick more than anything, you might want to also rewrite how Fint and Jard meet; it's a little cheesy, abrupt, and slightly unrealistic. But that's not strictly necessary, though)

In conclusion, you have some very recognizable talent and potential. Just work on your climax scenes, and you will be a very good writer. (now all we need is someone to come by and tell me how much of an asshole I was with that review for being unfair to the newbie )

Thanks for your input, but for the scene that you mentioned, I was really trying to convey the fact that Fint was reading Jard's thoughts. I was also trying to emulate this strip right here. Guess that was a steaming pile of fail. Oh, well, back to the drawing board.

EDIT: I took your advice and added more details. Ya know, it's stuff like this that explains why I read one-shots instead of write them.

EDIT II, electric boogaloo: Me no spell good.

[techmaster-glitch]

Much better. It now clear what was happening, which instantly raises everything up. The expanded end is nice as well.

For now, I would say you have done a good job. Any further comments I have I will not say; I'm going to leave that to others. Having only one critic won't do you any good

[Silver Pomeranian Genji]

Much better. It now clear what was happening, which instantly raises everything up. The expanded end is nice as well.

For now, I would say you have done a good job. Any further comments I have I will not say; I'm going to leave that to others. Having only one critic won't do you any good

Why, thank you. Just one question, though: when I upload it, should I title it "Love Hurts", "Broken Heart, Broken Bones", or something else?

[techmaster-glitch]

Much better. It now clear what was happening, which instantly raises everything up. The expanded end is nice as well.

For now, I would say you have done a good job. Any further comments I have I will not say; I'm going to leave that to others. Having only one critic won't do you any good

Why, thank you. Just one question, though: when I upload it, should I title "Love Hurts", "Broken Heart, Broken Bones", or something else?

That is something you must decide entirely by yourself. It's your story. I was just offering suggestions on where you can improve.

[Silver Pomeranian Genji]

Much better. It now clear what was happening, which instantly raises everything up. The expanded end is nice as well.

For now, I would say you have done a good job. Any further comments I have I will not say; I'm going to leave that to others. Having only one critic won't do you any good

Why, thank you. Just one question, though: when I upload it, should I title "Love Hurts", "Broken Heart, Broken Bones", or something else?

That is something you must decide entirely by yourself. It's your story. I was just offering suggestions on where you can improve.

That's cool, you're cool. But you know, as soon as I posted this, I was struck with inspiration again. After re-reading the archives, I thought to myself, "Self, what if I expanded upon how Kria and Lorenda's father met?" and Self replied, "Don't go there, you don't wanna push it." Which leads me to this question: Should I push it, or not? I mean, one fanfiction based on doomèd romance is enough, right?

[WhiteFox]

Which leads me to this question: Should I push it, or not? I mean, one fanfiction based on doomèd romance is enough, right?

What do you need our permission for?

[Silver Pomeranian Genji]

Which leads me to this question: Should I push it, or not? I mean, one fanfiction based on doomèd romance is enough, right?

What do you need our permission for?

What made you assume I needed your permission? I'm not trying to start an argument, it's just, should I compose another anti-romance story or not? I mean, I know it's my choice and all, but I just felt that what seems like a good fall flat later on because people have read it already.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Which leads me to this question: Should I push it, or not? I mean, one fanfiction based on doomèd romance is enough, right?

What do you need our permission for?

I believe the original poster is looking for advice, not permission. ;-] Slightly different tactics, but sounds pretty much the same...

[Silver Pomeranian Genji]

Which leads me to this question: Should I push it, or not? I mean, one fanfiction based on doomèd romance is enough, right?

What do you need our permission for?

I believe the original poster is looking for advice, not permission. ;-] Slightly different tactics, but sounds pretty much the same...

Well, yeah. That's all I needed: simple, thoughtful advice. In fact, the reason I wrote and shared this one-shot was for two reasons: one was for youse guys' input/concrit. The second and third reasons are more of a personal thing: as you may or may not know, this comic, combined with a song on my iTunes, got me to thinking: who was Jard, any why was gonna gat his 'Cubi rear handed to him by lil' miss Messy? That, plus the fact that I haven't uploaded any one-shots on my FFNet account basically got me to writing and sharing the starting post. Besides, I'm a sucker for romance stories.

P.S.: Is it good or bad to want to elaborate on Kria and her soon-to-be late husband met?