[Writings] Zack's poetry thread.

[Don]

Lately I've been trying to wright poetry and I've decided to post some of my work here just so I have some activity going on in this forum. I cannot accuratly say when I will update this as I lack a vast list of topics to work from. For now I shall post only one poem that I made a short while ago. If anyone has a topic they would like me to try and use in a poem feel free to post it and I'll see what I can do once I aquire some free time. So here is my poem.

Take my hand.

Floating in darkness, you begin to see.
What I have become, from who I used to be.
My heart void of feeling, my eyes vacant of light.
You have finally come to realize, my side of this fight.

To gain friendship, is not my will.
Nor is it, to further my skill.
All I want...in this world.
Is to paint it black, my intentions unfurled.

You float helplessly, in the night.
shocked and amazed, by my plight.
I hold my arm, out to you.
"Take my hand, and begin anew."

The earth begins to crumble, the winds cease to blow.
Where my motive shall lead us, no one really knows.
No one can keep us, from this prize we claim.
All who try, will surely be slain.

Your eyes widened, and you took a step back.
Looking as though you, where about to snap.
You drew your blade, and ran to me.
Splattered in red, you fell to your knees.

As I stare, at the crimson puddles.
My eyes shift, and my mind scuttles.
A demented laugh, shatters the night.
Causing the land, to panic in fright.

"So many souls, wander this land."
"All of them released, by my bloody hand."

"Golden fields...littered with the dead..."
"Why paint the world black...when you can drown it with red..."

Suggestions/comments are appreciated.

[WhiteFox]

You get +4 million points for proper spelling, capitalization, and punctuation. That alone puts you ahead of the pack and shows you actually care about what you're doin.

The rhyme scheme is AABB throughout, which is fairly basic.

The meter seems a little off in a few places.

Anyway, keep it up. Hope to see more.

[EDIT] The title of your thread says Pottery. You can fix that by editing your first post and changing the title.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

[EDIT] The title of your thread says Pottery. You can fix that by editing your first post and changing the title.

That was me. Since there was no tag as per the rules, I added one. If you want a correct tag, don't leave it to the people with a questionable sense of humour. ;-]

[Don]

Ah yes sorry about that, I guess the tag part slipped my mind, I think it's fine as it is unless a proper tag is requested.

I have completed another poem though I don't think it's as good as my last. I'll most likely wait at least two to three days before posting each poem if I have some completed and ready to share. I hope this poem will be enjoyed, I'll try to make my next one more cheerfull.

Black Rose.

Once I beleived, in a thing called love.
Strong and unbreakable, peacefull as a beautifull dove.
I longed, to lay in your arms.
Embraced, by your gracefull charms.

But now I see, now I know.
Love is nothing, it melts away like snow.
A dagger, sticks out of my chest.
My vision fades, blood seeps from my vest.

Even a rose, has it's thorns.
But I've never heard, of one with horns.
A gentle red flower, now black and cold.
I shiver on the ground, my soul seemed sold.

I see you laugh, and turn away.
Never again, to look back on this day.
Never to see, another of my tears.
Never to hear, my happy cheers.

Torn away, from this land.
I rise again, to make a stand.
Trust not, in the beautifull shell
For once it is broken, you may fall into hell.

[Don]

Alright, I managed to finish a poem for today (though it was a tad bit rushed) It looks decent.
As I said I'd try to make it a little more cheerfull but It's dependant on the emotion given to the reader soo..I hope this poem will be enjoyed.

Life at Day break.

After the storm, when all is still.
A ray of light, shine's over the hill.
Cutting through the mists, lighting up the dew.
Within it's gentle embrace, the day begins anew.

The forests are green, the skies are blue.
The morning invokes, the birds special debut.
As all things awake, so doesth the sounds.
Of the woodlands residents, life is abound.

On this day, hopes and wishes are made.
As the uncertainty of the night, hastily fades.
It is moments like these, that should be cherished and praised.
For with the wonders of nature, how can one not be amazed?

Day by day, this event has re-enact.
Almost as if, given a pact.
It should be protected, never taken for granted.
For within this, beauty is embedded.

Without the sun, we'd never see this.
Without visibility, true wonder we'd miss.
Give thanks for health, and for the abilities we own.
As without these, we might as well be stone.

[Don]

Poem removed, will be replaced soon.

[GabrielsThoughts]

not to be picky, but some might enjoy a cloud or two in the sky. I'd also  prefer a few tree's for shade and I don't like the idea of being forced to wait in line for this paradise you're offering. No offense, but when you create paradise, everyone has their own ideas...

[Don]

It was partially to a place I visited in some online program. I failed pretty harshly at putting it into words. This day hasn't exactly been great for me, I'll proboblly re-vamp it tomorrow. Your commentary is appreciated, as it makes my life somewhat easier when I go to change some things in it.