[fanfiction] cats and dogs don't mix (cracked fic)

[GabrielsThoughts]

Disclaimer: I own neither Ranma nor Inuyasha. If I did, I probably wouldn't be writing fan fiction.

Previously on Ranma: Prince Herb had traveled to Japan from China with his trusty sidekicks Lime and Mint. Upon their arrival to the Café run by the Amazon matriarch Cologne, Herb strong armed Cologne into revealing the location of a magical Kettle that would disable his mysterious Jusenkeyo curse. Ranma, heroically dashed in and saved Cologne from her ultimate fate. Unfortunately, this resulted in Ranma being locked into "her" cursed form by Prince Herb. Now stuck as a girl Ranma has been disowned by her father, until she can be restored. With the help (or interference) of Ryoga an Mouse they have taken upon themselves to find the magic kettle before herb and his companions do...

Elsewhere: Kagome Higurashi had recently returned from the feudal era, shortly after an impatient Inuyasha crawled out of the well and met Kagome's friends, who were in awe of his biracial heritage...

Body Double

By Gabriel R. Lopez

Chapter 1

I Need a Break!!!

It was the night of the new moon, the water heater at the Higurashi shrine had burst that evening. The result of the Higurashi's soft water tank system leaving salt deposits at the bottom of the tank. The acids of the salt eventually ate through the boiler plate...and so it was, the Higurashi family (plus one occasionally dog eared half demon) found themselves out for a night of skinny dipping in the community pool.

Ranma was thankful to have a job. Were it not for the fact she looked like a fourteen year old girl with bright red hair, the sixteen your old Ranma-chan might not have had such a hard time finding employment. Still, all the jobs she could find in her current state were Janitorial in nature and bordered on maid service. The job at the bathhouse at least provided her with food. Thank heavens people left bars of soap laying around or Ranma would have starved ... another problem, was she had spent most of her time keeping P-chan, and a certain myopic duck, out of the girl's side of the bathhouse. If Ranma didn't know better she would have suspected them of trying to sabotage her employment efforts. They never seemed to have food for her, and at her last job Mouse seemed particularly eager to shower a certain shrine statue, one of a priestess named Kikiyo, with luck and good fortune. Of course, as far as Ranma was concerned Mouse's "luck and good fortune" was more like a pile of... "Poop!" Ranma was hurried. She quickly gathered her cleaning equipment. Her scrub brushes, her bucket and gear, and rushed to the office to get her first paycheck. She had been working at the bath house for six weeks, and while she didn't fully understand why they held the first check over, and was honestly baffled as to why the staff manager was shocked she was still working there two weeks later... One thing was certain, Tonight Ranma was eating Ramen. "gleee!" and then she could continue her search for the-

"OOF!" came the cry of both Ranma and Kagome at they bumped into each other. Ranma was dressed in a floral print staff uniform, and Kagome was wrapped conservatively in a towel. Ranma spilled the sudsy contents of the scrub bucket on Kagome "oh, sorry about that." Ranma once again gathered the brushes, while quickly placing them in the bucket. With the small bucket now safely wedged under one arm Ranma Helped Kagome to her feet and stared...something about this girl seemed strangely familiar.

"Kagome."

"huh?" Ranma asked.

"My name, It's Kagome. Do I know you from school? You remind me of someone."

"oh? I was thinking the same thing... Furinkan?"

"No, I'm from....*gasp* you look just like me!"

"uh..." Alert, alert, back away from the crazy girl grab your paycheck and leave.

"OMG! OMG! OMG! This is too perfect. I can study for the finals after all." Kagome cheered in victory and squealed in delight, as Ranma scooted off to the side, inching away from her psychotic raven haired doppelganger, but Kagome seemed to have imprinted on Ranma like a baby duck. And, no matter how far nor how fast Ranma moved toward the staffing office Kagome seemed to be right on her heels every step of the way. "of course we'd have to do something about your hair and we'd have to figure out a way to mask your scent but..."

They were both startled to see a naked Inuyasha streaking through the halls looking for someone, calling out like a lost puppy ...it was then Ranma was finally rid of the crazy girl, as all that was left of her was a towel and a whisp of smoke. Kagome's cheeks burned red with embarrassment as she disappeared back behind the curtain of the changing room. Peeking from behind the curtain, in the hopes that The Black haired youth, standing before Ranma dressed as an emperor, would not notice her. Fortunately, Inuyasha's heart skipped a beat when he spotted a very confused and puzzled Ranma.

"KAGOME, you're alive!" the excited black haired youth cried out with joy as he snared ranma-chan in a big hug. It was immediately apparent to Ranma that he, the boy standing before her who smelled like a wet dog, had some form of childhood abandonment issues that ranma was ill-equipped to handle either mentally and physically "I was so worried when I couldn't smell you though the halls"

'good lord' Ranma thought to herself, ' how long had it been since that Kagome girl took a bath?' this thought was immediately replaced with a sudden realization. _this guy_ this was nuts with a cherry on top, because unless he was colorblind, there was no way Ranma could be mistaken for the raven haired toweled girl. Ranma's realization turned to outrage the moment she realized she was thinking of women the same way as Tatewaki Kuno. The outrage then turned into fear "Get offa' me!" Ranma cried out as she pushed the boy wearing nothing but a bead necklace away from her.

The oddball huffed "jeez Kagome' what's your problem? You on the rag!"

" INUYASHA, SIT BOY!!!" came an angry cry from behind the curtain

"OW!!!" the weird guy cried out.

"SIT!SIT!SIT!SIT!SIT!SIT!" Kagome called out the words angrily and in rapid fire succession as an impact crater started to form around Inuyasha.

Ranma felt a tingle up her spine...heaven forbid Akane learn that particular technique. Even if the guy was icky to infinity, there was no amount of painkillers that could help the poor bastard now. Granted Ranma could do something similar with one of the Forbidden Yamasenken techniques but.... "SIT! SI-"

"Wait! STOP!" Ranma realized Kagome was going to kill that poor Inuyasha fellah if she didn't stop. The guy had already fallen unconscious, after all Inuyasha was only human. Ranma grabbed Kagome from behind, pinned Kagome's arms behind her back and clapped her free hand over Kagome's mouth.

"Assaulting customers again I see Ranma. " Said the evil bathhouse boss lady, who looked like a whether torn battle ax. Metaphorically speaking "why am I not surprised."

"wait I can explain, it's not my fault." crap the paycheck. She couldn't afford to repair the damage form an impact crater, not after last time. And if she had to eat another bar of soap again she would die.

"Like last time?" said the old biddy that could give cologne a run for her a run for the money if there was an evil old prune contest.

"I'm telling you that was no lady, that was a MAN! " Ranma let go of Kagome. Kagome rushed to check on the health status of a fallen Inuyasha

"YOU assaulted the princess of a foreign nation!"--the old crone stated in a nasty

"I'm telling you HERB WAS A GUY! You gotta' believe me."

The old woman rolled her eyes. "You're fired."

"what about my paycheck?" Ranma was practically begging for it

"Congratulations, it's a wash. You've earned just enough to cover the damages from your fight with Herb. Sayonara, don't let the door hit you on the way out."

"but" Ranma protested.

"all of you," indicating Ranma, Kagome, and the fallen Inuyasha "Get your things and get out of my bathhouse! NOW!"

After Ranma helped Kagome carry Inuyasha out of the bathhouse. (Because Kagome's brother was loudly complaining in protest about the injustice of how heavy the unconscious man was.) Ranma was relieved that they at least let her keep the staff uniform. After all, it was nice to have clothes that fit, every once in a while. All the clothes in Ranma's current collection were meant for his other form. And, were literally clown pants. The pants sized for her other form had a tendency to fall down, or rather slip off her current form. Thinking on clothes brought another question to Ranma's mind. For instance, why someone would go to a bathhouse wearing bright red feudal outfit and a half rusted sword. It wasn't necessarily beyond comprehension, but it was odd. Like, Tatewaki Kuno odd

"would you like to join us for dinner Ranma?" Kagome's mother asked

Ranma's eyes lit up brightly as her face glowed with joy "would I ever!!!"

"Mom, remember that plan we discussed earlier?"

"plan?" Ranma asked.

"Kagome, she looks nothing like you."

"oh c'mon mom some black hair dye and no one will notice the difference."

Ranma dropped Inuyasha's head on the pavement

"what plan? Because, If it involves marrying me off to dog breath here, you can count me out."

"Look Ranma, I have my summer class finals in three DAYS... I cannot repeat the 8th grade again. People will think I'm retarded. " Kagome was horrified at the prospect. Honestly it was bad enough her name meant 'I poop myself' in Spanish, the stigma of being in the eighth grade for another 6 seasons was too much to bare.

"oh yeah, well. what about my Finals? Don't you think I want to finish high school too?"

"It's the middle of summer! do you even go to school?" Kagome asked.

"occasionally. " Ranma replied "I like to keep my options open."

"arf arf awooooo!" Inuyasha barked as he contemplated chasing rabbits.

"oh no! he's waking up. If he see's us together the plan is ruined." Kagome whined.

"What plan? I didn't agree to any plans." Ranma was as clueless as a mouse in a baseball field.

"just shut up and help me get him into the crate." said Kagome indicating the large dog crate in the back of the of the S. U. V.

"okay, that is just wrong." Ranma stated in horrified wonder as Kagome's mom used the distraction to zap Ranma with her tazer.

"Mom!"Kagome stretched the vowel in embarassment.

"what? Being a meter maid has it's advantages."

Some time later Ranma woke up with a throbbing headache, and a case of the shivers.. which was odd, because it should have taken more than one blow to take down the great Ranma Saotome. Because, Ranma Saotome "Never" looses. It was just a fluke that she lost to Ryoga, Herb, Mint, Mousse, Pantyhose, Cologne, and a host of other martial artists in the Nermia area on a regular basis. Nope, poor Ranma was delusional, she wasn't even the best martial artist on a two out of three basis. Being only marginally better than Akane did not soften the blows to the head Ranma habitually suffered. In fact, her long term memory seemed swiss cheesed as well.

Ranma took stock of her surroundings. She was laying in the dirt. That much was obvious. It was dark, and the earth was moist. Digging her fingers into the soil Ranma-chan blew a stray tuft of black hair from her face...no, that couldn't be right... Ranma began to come to a more complete awareness. Her hair was unbound which meant that her dragon's whisker had been removed. meaning whoever kidnapped her must have butchered her hair too Adjusting herself onto her knees , Ranma was horrified to find herself handcuffed to Inuyasha. Shortly after a soft breeze blew up her skirt Ranma immediately took stock of her outfit. A school uniform, a girl's school uniform, complete with bra, underwear, a sailor outfit with green trim, and a green miniskirt. "w-what's going on?" Ranma asked to no response. A tremble of fear in her voice

Using her free hand Ranma inspected her hair... it was black and smelled of lilacs. Sniffing her blouse she picked up the scent of an unidentifiable perfume. A perfume that Ranma discovered to be one of those Christmas tree things you find in old cars. After angrily removing the offending cardboard thing from around her neck Ranma looked up to see the dawns early light.

Ranma momentarily wondered what on earth she was doing at the bottom of a dried up well. Handcuffed to a crazy person... as a strange, evil, and demonic glow surrounded Inuyasha.

Back at the Higurashi shrine Kagome was eagerly flipping through the phone book looking up various construction companies willing to put in some heavy metal storm doors to cover over the well before midday. Kagome figured It would take Inuyasha that long to figure out she'd been replaced with a clone.

At the bottom of the magic well Ranma jumped into a standing position faster than an ailurophobe in a house of cats. Dragging the unconscious demon with her "AAAAAAAAAAH! DEMON!!!" Ranma-chan then started kicking Inuyasha like a ball on a string...which the dog demon essentially was_ since he was shackled to Ranma.

" OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!" Inuyasha awoke to pain, a lot of pain "Dammit Kagome would you stop hitting on me!"

Ranma stopped, kicking the dog eared wolf boy, long enough to get a few questions answered. "Where am I? what am I doing here? who are you, and what the heck is going on?

"Kagome?" Inuyasha asked , a concerned look on his face.

Ranma socked Inuyasha with a left hook. "I am not KAGOME! I'm RANMA! Ranma Saotome! And don't you forget it."


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Chapter 2

Careful Peeps. The Girl's Gone Rabid

By Gabriel R. Lopez

Time is subjective, it isn't one of those things that follows a dictate of law and order unless it's being observed. A moment can seem like forever, or can pass in an instant without much notice. Whatever blessing or curse that allowed Ranma to travel to Feudal Japan, was designed in such away that a time traveler could experience a week's worth of adventuring and only have a day or so pass in Kagome's realm. The trick is how one returns to that contemporary setting. In this instance, it was Inuyasha who was holding all the cards, and Ranma wasn't playing wit a full deck. Ranma awoke, seemingly lost and confused, shackled to a dog demon ...this was something Ranma Saotome was totally unprepared for. And, the situation called for a swift escape. Ranma tried to claw her way out of the handcuffs before the dog demon could-

"Kagome?" Inuyasa asked in puzzled contemplation as Ranma jumped up in fear and kicked the living snot out of him, like a rat flail. "OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!OW!" and you know pretty much what happened from there. Once the drama was over with. A thoroughly confused and lightly bruised Inuysha regained what some might consider consciousness... with the large knot on top of his head, a broken pair of Kagome's pink furry handcuffs, and a foul smelling cardboard Christmas tree ornament hanging, or rather dangling, from his left ear. He knew Kagome had escaped... Unfortunately, the cardboard Christmas tree was interfering with his sense of smell so bad he may as well be walking around with a bag of potato chips over his head.

Inuyasha was certain Kagome had run off, he just wasn't sure where too. To be honest, he wasn't even certain what century to look in since Kagome was always running in some random direction like a chicken with it's head cut off. Since his nose couldn't pick up even the slightest hint of gasoline or burning fossil fuels, it was safe to assume he was still in the feudal era. Inuyasa's attention was then drawn to the sound of a blood curdling scream.

Ranma was trained by the best, and it wasn't the first time she had to get out of a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. Once Ranma had escaped she ran like a pair of old pantyhose. The minute she crawled out of the well, she tried to get her bearings. Tried being the operative word, since Ranma had no idea where she was... there were landmarks she recognized, but no cities or dwellings where they should be. Looking back to make sure she had a good lead on the dog demon, Ranma set to work tearing the sleeves off the school uniform. She(Ranma) knew Ryoga's iron cloth technique was good for something, and that something was make shift weapons on the fly. Ranma was in a state of constant movement from the moment she got out of the well and headed for the nearby forest, a forest that would hopefully camouflage her... although how well the forest would camouflage her from a demon was a question for another time. Ranma was indeed fortunate she had some experience fending off demons, ghosts, perverts, and other martial artists, so this should be a walk in the park... right?

Contrary to popular belief Ranma was a very accomplished weapons user, competent with staves and cat's paw weaponry. Using Ryoga's iron cloth technique she tied a not at the end of what remained of the tattered sleeves to make a mace, while twisting the rest of the sleeve into a shaft. Ranma had made a sturdy pair of bonbori like clubs. Granted, the mace on top of the bonbori was only as big as a soft ball, but at least Ranma didn't have to worry bout them bonking her on the head if the fabric collapsed. Ranma momentarily wondered if it would have been wiser to wait at the top of the well, so she could just bonk the demon over the head. Ranma then pictured the demon ripping though her chest with it's claws like a snake with it's fist and figured it would be best to asses the demon first. That way she could claim some unfair advantage if she lost. No, hiding in the bushes was by far the wiser course of action.

After a moment passed with no sign of the dog demon Ranma felt very proud of herself. A knock out in one punch was like discovering the holy grail of fighting . Of course, Inuyasha was pathetically weak when compared to a minotaur with crane wings and octopus tentacles...but the principal was the same. And then, she was pounced from behind with a loud meow. Reacting on instinct Ranma dropped her weapons and shrieked in terror. Clearly, months of Shampoo sneaking up from behind hadn't improved his cat sense.

Killalla-micro was happy to see Kagome, sure she smelled different, but she always smelled different when she crawled out of the well...It always took a few days for masking scent to go away, but Killalla recognized Kagome anyway. It wasn't hard really, she usually masked her scent with the same hair shampoo, and pretty much wore the same outfit. I looked to Killalla that Kagome was hiding, getting ready for a hunt. Hunting was fun, and Killalla wanted to play too. So quiet as a mouse, such a horrible thing to be compared to, Killalla snuck up from behind Kagome and pounced. Kagome did not react like she was supposed to...not that she was supposed to react any other way than to shower her with adoration, and croon about how cute she was. Killalla knew Kagome liked cats, she could smell Buyo all over her school uniform. But today, something was not right with Kagome.

From inside the well Inuyasha heard the shriek of terror and jumped out onto the outcropping of the well with the cry of "Kagome!?" as he released the Tetsaiga from it's holster. He came out of the well just in time to see a sleeveless Kagome fleeing in terror from the forest like a bat out of hell. The Tetsaiga transformed into the UBER MACHETE OF DOOM! Inuyasha was ready for battle.

Kagome's loud scream shocked Killalla. Killalla-light fell to the ground as Kagome fled the safety of the forest canopy. 'That was odd' Killalla thought to herself. 'Kagome couldn't possibly be scared of me.' Once Killalla regained her composure, she shook the dirt off, and with a quick glance to look behind her squeaked in terror when she, Killalla that is, saw something that scared the poo out of her...a fifty foot tall fox demon with the head of a chicken...literally, the bottom half of the body met at the neck, which had the torso wings, and head, the size of a small farm chicken. It was clearly a half demon, although the physics of it were mind boggling. It wasn't entirely out of the realm of possibility, after all, Shippo had turned into a chicken once or twice before. That was to say, Shippo was often assigned to scare food out of a hen house every now and then... Although , Killalla was beginning to suspect fowl play afoot with the nature of the young kit's frequent hen house visit's. With a loud bamph sound, Killalla went big cat and raced after Kagome into the clearing. The chicken-fox fast at her flaming heels.

Ranma quickly glanced over her shoulder to see if the little demon was following her. To Ranma's horrified surprise not only was the demon chasing her, but the feline minion of Satan burst from the forest into the clearing four times bigger and just as scary. Ranma ran towards the dried up well just as Inuyasha popped out of the well like a Jack in the box with a cry of "Kagome!?"

This was perfect Ranma thought to herself. Dogs like to chase cats and dogs like to chase cars. Therefore a cat the size of a car would be the perfect dog toy!!! As inuyasha ran past her, a cross eyed look of madness and glee that washed ascross Ranma's face as she imagined Inuyasha chasing the cat off. Turning around to witness the feline's ultimate defeat, or out of morbid curiosity Ranma was shocked to see that Inuyasha run past the Cat demon. The dog monkey then started hacking and slashing at the forest wall using his sword like a big machete. Ranma could swear she heard the word's "wind scar!" Ranma's shock wore off the moment the large cat's sandpaper like tongue licked the entire left side of her body. Ranma whimpered in terror as she glanced sideways... a saber-toothed grin on the purring cat's face as it nudged Ranma with its massive head.

"n-nice k-kitty." Ranma's aluriphobia was reaching the breaking point, all it would take now was one little nudge and Ranma would snap like a twig. Imagine her surprise when something the size and shape of a dead chicken fell from the sky and crash landed into her head on. Ranma was knocked to the ground with a loud whud sound.

"mew?" Ranma asked with a puzzled expression as she batted the chicken away with her paw.

To be continued...