Take a Chance... (cover added 6-2-07)

[GabrielsThoughts]

cover
page 1
page 2
page 3
page 4
page 5



questions or comments welcome.

[Kenji]

I... kinda want to see that made into a small children's book, now.. >.>

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Awww.

Nice moral.

Some folks would leave it as a question, letting the reader make up his or her own mind. Just as a point...

[ITOS]

 

Sad ending but I guess it was necessary to get the message across.

[Tapewolf]

I could see that coming, but it didn't take the sting out of it.  Considerably more emotive than your usual work - was this done for class or something?

[Zina]

I think the first two panels of the final page would be more powerful if you took out the *sob* and *hug* and simply left them silent. Same thing with the "Megan stopped six feet away from the goldfish bowl". Things like that kind of take away from the moment. Let your drawings speak for themselves.
Otherwise, it's a very simple and sad story. I liked it, good work.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

I'm sorta wondering how the last page stands with -no- text, actually. If you remove the text entirely, it's still valid. Which is a sign of how well fitted the drawings are to the story, I guess.

Slightly different feeling to it, though.

[Zina]

Or at least remove the text in the last panel. Really, it doesn't need it. I can see what's going on in the panel, I don't need it to be explained to me.
The joy with comics is that you're able to tell a story through both words and pictures. And sometimes, if you're going for  some sort of emotional impact, words can take away from it. Picture's worth a thousand words, blah blah blah.
I think going through a deciding what text is really necessary to the actual story. I mean, strip it down, and what's the story about? It's about a girl that encounters death of a loved one for the first time, an aspect that's only revealed in the final page. To be honest, a lot of text just felt like filler. Do I need to know that her mom took a break from work to do some cleaning, or that Billy stared at her during class? Probably not. Is it important to the story? Not really. Does it disrupt the flow? Yes.
Also, this is just a personal opinion, but I'd like some more details about the fish itself. What color is it? Does it do anything, have any quirks? When I was little, I gave my pets entire personalities because they were a friend to me. I'm told Meagan loves Spanky, but a few details about the fish through Meagan's eyes would probably help me believe it, and make Spanky's death seem much more sad. Otherwise, Spanky's just a fish that Meagan talks to, and nothing more.

[GabrielsThoughts]

I... kinda want to see that made into a small children's book, now.. >.>

Unfortunately that is unlikely, I have it on good authority that that the word(s) "pee-pee head" is considered pornographic for children under the age of 13...although my sister had no problem using it.

by Tapewolf...
I could see that coming, but it didn't take the sting out of it.  Considerably more emotive than your usual work - was this done for class or something?

It was originally conceived as a mothers day gift. My mom tells the story quite frequently, and has told and retold the story more than a thousand times. Unfortunately, I had to wait until my two week summer vacation to complete it.


EDIT: also I fixed a problem I noticed on page three, having two Meagan's was confusing, and I didn't notice it until this morning.

[rt]

awww  :applauds .. then
good story-writting-drawing. the win trifecta 

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

If you're fixing things, on page 4, panel 2, "Durring" might be meant to be "during" :-]

.. you can hit me now.

[King Of Hearts]

Am I such a bad man that I was expecting a toilet bowl by the end?

Anyway. very nice. Simple but solid.

[ITOS]

.. you can hit me now.

Really?

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Am I such a bad man that I was expecting a toilet bowl by the end?

There was one. Page 5, panel 3 & 4.

.. you can hit me now.

Really?

No.

Ok, well, yes, then. but only if I can kick you back. I have a ban-boot to hand. Er... to foot. Or something. ;-]

[techmaster-glitch]

...this is the story of a girl...
...who cried a river and drowned the whole world...
...and while she looks so sad in photographs,
I absolutley lover her...
when she- ARGH! NO! BAD CHILDHOOD! BAD! GET BACK IN MY SKULL! *beats childhood with a bat until brown ooze come out* BACK, YOU FOUL BEAST! AND STAY THERE!

Ahem.
Sorry, but I had-I mean, my childhood had to get that song out, as it came to mind the instant I read the first sentance.
All serious now. That was a very moving story. Like Tapewolf said, much more emotional than your usual works, which is most certainly not a bad thing. I will have to show it to my family sometime. It almost brought a tear to this metal contraption's eye.

[GabrielsThoughts]

ok, I fixed the spelling error on page 4, and I'm unsure of removing any dialog in the 5th page, I'd rather run the risk of giving too much information, then have the readers with a confused look on their face  

[superluser]

I'm unsure of removing any dialog in the 5th page, I'd rather run the risk of giving too much information, then have the readers with a confused look on their face

It's a stylistic concern.  First, you have to know your audience.  I don't know who your intended audience is, but if it's us, I think we're all pretty well versed in matters of inference and montage.

A wordless final panel would be more emotionally significant than what you have right now.  I don't think that anyone here is going to be confused without the words, but the emotional significance of your art should be something that you should work out for yourself.

If we're doing spelling corrections...

Page 2, final panel says adobted, it should be adopt, unless you want her to be saying it wrong (often a valid narrative device)

Should I point out that you've used cause instead of because in a couple cases? (P.3, panel 5, P.4, panel 1)

(Also, am I mis-parsing something, or are there two people named Meagan?  see p.3, last panel)

[GabrielsThoughts]

ok fixed pg3 with an apostrophe before cause, and changed it to Because on page 4... The word adobted was intentional.

the phrase "she stopped six feet from the goldfish bowl" was part of the original narrative so it stays I might remove the word *sob* but I think  the hug isn't as obvious. 

[Zina]

Why isn't it as obvious? They're hugging, anyone can tell that. Besides that, "hug" isn't really a sound effect, and just seems out of place. It disrupts the flow and takes away from the emotional impact you're going for.
I think the problem I'm having is that it read very much like a story being told to me, rather than a comic. Words and pictures need to work together in order to make a comic work, there were some parts that the pictures were completely useless because the narrative already told me what was going on.
I know you don't want to change the way the original story was told, so you might have to re-work a few pages, add a few panels, just -something- to help the story flow better.
But, again, that's just me and my personal opinion. If you're happy with the way this is now and don't want to change it, I guess that's all that matters.

[GabrielsThoughts]

here it is with the dialog removed.

[Zina]

Much better.

[GabrielsThoughts]

this was a senseless post ignore it

[techmaster-glitch]

Ok, I will. 

[rt]

I'm glad to see you kept the "Megan stopped six feet away from the goldfish bowl".  Without it I think the nice flow of the narative story would suddenly stop (text every other pannel .. then no text ?). Such a thing could be good for the shockvalue sometime though.

"*Sob*" was good too as a sound effect for me, to show she's openly sobbing, not quietly weeping. I'm not much of a 'read between the lines' interpereting person though.

I thought the ending gave some nice closure too, as well as pulling your eyes down towards the card, and 'the end' in the fish bowl.

I hope i'm not pulling you brain between multiple possibilities 

I don't know if you intend to 'clean' the background, but for some reason I like the 'purple noise' of the page in the background. So I say keep it (sample the noise, and paste it into the extra erased white areas of course)

[superluser]

I hope i'm not pulling you brain between multiple possibilities 

I hope you are.

It's exceedingly rare that a story can be perfect, and it's important to look at different ways to compose a story to determine which imperfect solution is the best.

What's more, the best solution for one medium (e.g. a comic) is often dead wrong for another medium (e.g. a teleplay), and you may have to do a complete rewrite in order to make it work.  Keeping in mind what the possible solutions are, and the drawbacks to each, is often a very good idea.

[King Of Hearts]

wow... I must have been drunk... I thought page 5 was set in the girl's room.

-_-'

[GabrielsThoughts]

I added a simple cover... for those who don't know aces and eights are also known as "the dead mans hand"

[superluser]

I added a simple cover... for those who don't know aces and eights are also known as "the dead mans hand"

Apologies if this comes off as kinda savage, but I see a whole lot of things that are bad with the cover.

One, the story seems to evoke feelings of childhood sadness and regret, but the cover makes it look like Meagan is going to get cornered by Joe Mantegna in a darkened alley after losing a game of stud to the hard guys.

Two, the clean CG-style gradients don't mesh well with the pencil-drawn style of the other compositional elements.

Three, the sad look in Meagan's eyes combined with aces and eights might be telegraphing the end of the story a little too much.

Four, there is nothing connecting the cards to the story, and people are going to wonder why they're there.

Five, the typography seems to serve to segregate the text from the art, rather than to unify it.  Courier isn't really well-suited for this sort of thing, and bright red on a black and white background makes it feel out of place.

I may give it a go and see if I can whip up an example of how I would make a cover for this, unless you object.

[GabrielsThoughts]

I drew her nose to big on the cover anyway.
If  you give me an idea of what you want the cover to look like,  or make one yourself go for it.

[superluser]

If  you give me an idea of what you want the cover to look like,  or make one yourself go for it.

Well, I want the cover to look like what you want the cover to look like.  I just think that there are some issues, and I'd like you to look at them before committing to any design.

Of course, you know what's best for your design, and you shouldn't feel obligated to listen to any advice.  We're trying to help, but ultimately, it's you, not us, who know what's best for your art.

Here's how I'd probably do it.



Note that I'd probably have Meagan's legs body extending off the frame, as though she's actually in the scene, and also note that I'm really bad with the airbrush tool and bad at cutting things out.