The Clockwork Mansion

ok kids, here we are!
please inform me of any typos and/or grammaticl errors XD


   The young child leans over the port side rails of the ship. She watches dolpins leap out of the water and she laughs. A man walks next to her, smiling. "Enjoying yerself, Xzeliea?" the man asks. He is a tall brown fox with golden eyes, dragon wings and velociraptor hands and feet. The little girl looks up at him, smiling. "Yes, father! This is wonderful!" she says, giggling. Her muzzle is wolf-like, but her ears are that of a fox. From her back sprout small black and red dragon wings, and she has an extremely long and fluffy cat-like tail.. Her feet are like her father's, but the sickle claw is slightly larger than it is supposed to be. Her black Fur shines and the purple markings, two stripes on each side her face, a stripe down the middle of her tail, and a crescent-moon marking over her left eyes, glow slightly. Her right eye is golden with a slitted pupil, but the left is light blue with no pupil at all. Like her Father, her hair is black, but instead of blue at the tips, red trickles down from the top. Both father and daughter wear brown ragged trousers and white shirts.

   As the two continue to roam about the ship, the rest of the crew go below deck to sleep for bit. The only one left is Xzeliea's Father's friend, Crux, a grey dragon with blue eyes wearing black pants, a blue shirt, and a grey longcoat. Xzeliea runs up to Crux, smiling as usual. "Can i steer for a bit, Uncle Crux?" she asks. Crux looks over to his friend. "Should i let 'er, Tobias?" he asks. Tobias, Xzeliea's father, laughs and nods. "Let 'er. She should learn" He says. Xzeliea giggles as Crux lifts her her up. She places her hands on the wheel and turns it a bit left. Crux smiles. "Xzeliea, we want to go a wee bit starboard...which way is that?" he asks. Xzeliea turns the wheel a bit right. "Starboard is right!" she says proudly. Tobias smiles as Crux sets her down. Xzeliea runs to her father. "Father! i steered the ship!" she says happily. Tobias nods and sits down beside Crux. Xzeliea sits in his lap.

   "Tell me about mother again, father." she says. Tobia chuckles. "Again?" he asks, "You must be tired of hearing about her by now..." His daughter interrupts him with a hug. "Please father?" she pleads. Tobias sighs. "Well, where do i begin?" he asks. Xzeliea rolls her eyes. "Start when you met her." she says. Tobias smiles. "Well, then...i met your mother during a visit to Obsidian island. We were stranded there until we could get enough supplies. When i was out gathering fish, i met her as she was gathering seashells. She taught me the proper way to catch fish, and i fell in love with her right then and there." Xzeliea interrupts him. "Tell me what she looked like!" she says. This time, Crux chimes in. "You mother, Jenova, was extremely beautiful. A cat, but at the same time, a wolf. She had long red hair and blue yes and purple fur that seemed to shine all the time. She never stopped laughing." he says. Tobias raises an eyebrow. "Crux, I'M telling the story." he growls. Crux laughs. "Sorry, sir."

   Tobias clears his throat. "Now...where was i...Ah, yes. Well, after we had met, we were ready to set sail, But your mother insisted on coming with us." He is once again interrupted by his daughter.

   "And then you told her you were a pirate!" she says excitedly.

   "Yes, Xzeliea, i told her that i was a pirate, and that i could offer her naught but a miserable life on a pirate ship. However, after that, she made up her mind to go with us. After a while, you were born..." he says, hugging his daughter tightly. Xzeliea hugs him back as he continues. "But, after a while, we made land at a port. There, your mother was killed by soldiers under the command of a young commodore named Robert Sanders." He stops, tears in his eyes. Xzeliea notices this, and gently wipes away the tears. Tobias smiles at her.

   "CAPTAIN!" the lookout Kyhot, yells. "APPROACHING SHIP! IT'S THE NAVY, SIR!"

   Tobias jumps up and runs below deck to wake the crew. Xzeliea looks around frantically as Tobias returns. He grabs Crux by the shoulder. "Crux, take Xzeliea below deck and stay there until you hear everything die down." Crux nods as Tobias knells down to Xzeliea and hugs her. "Xze, promise you'll obey Uncle Crux?" he asks. Xzeliea nods. "I will Father."

   Crux picks her up and runs below deck. He enters a large wooden box with holes in it. Xzeliea clings to him and starts to drift off to sleep, humming. Crux looks up and closes his eyes. "Tobias, old friend, Please stay alive..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   Xzeliea wakes up suddenly. She looks around as she yawns, but then stops dead still; Crux is nowhere to be seen. "Uncle Crux?" she says quietly. when there is no answer, she crawls out of the box, not noticing the blood on the floor. she walks up the steps to the deck.

   A Horrific Scene greets her young eyes.

   All around the deck are bodies. All of her father's crew, and some that look like they belonged to the Navy. Xzeliea, her eyes wide in horror, weaves through the massacre. "Uncle Crux?! Kyhot!?...Father!?" she cries. A slight groan to her left attracts her attention. Xzeliea turns and sees something that no child ever should.

   Tobias is lying on the deck, his left eye completely gone, along the the rest of that side of his face. His right arm is completely torn to shreds, His left hand is missing a claw, His chest and abdomen are cut open, his innards spilling out, one of his wings is missing, and his left leg is cut open to the bone.

   Xzeliea runs to him and tries her best to lift him up. "Father! Father, get up!"She cries frantically. Tobias yelps loudly and Xzeliea Jumps away. "Father?" she questions. Tobias turns his remaining eye to look at her. "Xz...Xzel..." he manages to say. xzeliea walks over to him and takes his hand. "i'm here father..." she says, her voice cracking. "Xzel...i lo...i love you..." Tobias says, blood starting to come out of his mouth. "Father, don't talk! i..i have to...go get someone to fix you!" Xzeliea cries, tears streaming down her face. Tobias manages a slight chuckle before wincing in extreme pain. "there's...no...no chance, Xzel..." He says. "Just...promise...promise me...promise me that you will...never give up...and follow...follow your dreams..." Xzeliea clenches his hand. "Of course i will, Father! Because...Because you'll be with me!" she cries loudly. Tobias smiles the best he can. His whole body shudders...then goes stiff for a few seconds, and then falls limp.

   "Father...Father...FATHER!!" Xzeliea screams, shaking him. She then stands up slowly, The coldness of death landing upon her shoulders.

   looking up at the stars with tears streaming down her face, she hears a rustle behind her. She whips around to see a Soldier, a Brown Gryphon, standing up.

   For the first time in her life, Xzeliea's blood boils. Before the Gryphon can make another sound, little Xzeliea is at this throat, her sickle claws tearing at his abdomen, spilling his guts. With a bit of effort, she manages to bite into his jugular vein. The gryphon is dead before he falls.

   Xzeliea leaps away from the body, Her once-clean fur and claws dripping with fresh-spilled blood. It is only one incident, but it is enough to take away the rest of her childhood innocence, and decide her fate.

If you think it's positively Awful, go ahead and tell me...this is the VERY FIRST story i have ever written >w<

yes we will >:3

naa, i dont mind how ya post it as long as i can read it :P
Try the scanner thing if that dont work, then you better start typing :smack :3

Yeah, i'm already typing it up, but i'm a REALLY slow typer and the fact that i can't read my own handwriting doesn't help...

Quote from: Xze-Xze on July 22, 2006, 01:17:07 PMmy Handwriting isn't..THAT bad...

Quote from: Xze-Xze on July 22, 2006, 01:57:54 PMi can't read my own handwriting

I sense a disturbance in the Force... D:
But hey, whatever works for you. I'd guess that most people would find a typed story more convenient since they wouldn't have to load a bunch of graphics for it. Scans wouldn't kill us, but... yeah... convenience. :)

i think i'll upload the first page until i can fully type it, which won't take long...

:3

gah..i gotta work on resizing stuff...

great stuff! a tad hard reading your writing, but np..

So where does he start then :P

Quote from: Malakin on July 22, 2006, 04:23:08 PM
great stuff! a tad hard reading your writing, but np..

So where does he start then :P

tee-hee

does anybody have a title suggestion?

Woudn't we have to know the main plotline of the story first before making a title?
Unless I'm not reading clear enough?

Aye, ronin is right.. give us more of the story before we decide a name.. it needs a name that fits the story rather than being tacked on for no real reason..

Quote from: Ronin Foxtail on July 22, 2006, 08:20:53 PM
Woudn't we have to know the main plotline of the story first before making a title?
Unless I'm not reading clear enough?

i don't usually make titles that coincide with the plotline. i mean, come on, there's a book called Dragon wind, but there is NOTHING about dragons in it...*snarls*

Fine then, the misadventures of Pirate Xzelia and the Srien's Cry Crew? [Unless the ship's name has changed.]

You could allways just call the story "The Sirens-Cry"

poll is up

alright guys, it's up!

It's good quality Xze. Little repeating in general.  :mowsmile

i wasn't sure if, since this is set kinda back in time, if Xze could call her Dad 'Dad' or 'Daddy' so i played it safe and chose 'Father' instead  :3

it sounds good so far Xze! keep it up!

ok it's ALLLLL up!

quite bloody  :mowdizzy

Quote from: Aiyno Wolf on July 23, 2006, 01:51:57 PM
quite bloody  :mowdizzy

is that a good thing?

Quote from: Xze-Xze on July 23, 2006, 01:53:12 PM

Quote from: Aiyno Wolf on July 23, 2006, 01:51:57 PM
quite bloody  :mowdizzy

is that a good thing?

depends if your german, germans want the blood to be green.  :mowsmile

Quote from: Aiyno Wolf on July 23, 2006, 01:55:02 PM

Quote from: Xze-Xze on July 23, 2006, 01:53:12 PM

Quote from: Aiyno Wolf on July 23, 2006, 01:51:57 PM
quite bloody  :mowdizzy

is that a good thing?

depends if your german, germans want the blood to be green.  :mowsmile

uh..i'm german-russian-mexican-japanese-nativeamerican-french and irish

Quote from: Xze-Xze on July 23, 2006, 01:56:25 PM

Quote from: Aiyno Wolf on July 23, 2006, 01:55:02 PM

Quote from: Xze-Xze on July 23, 2006, 01:53:12 PM

Quote from: Aiyno Wolf on July 23, 2006, 01:51:57 PM
quite bloody  :mowdizzy

is that a good thing?

depends if your german, germans want the blood to be green.  :mowsmile

uh..i'm german-russian-mexican-japanese-nativeamerican-french and irish

Quite a combination. :mowdizzy I think the blood needs to be bloody red. Zombies get the green stuff  :mowwink

Quote from: Aiyno Wolf on July 23, 2006, 01:57:46 PM

Quote from: Xze-Xze on July 23, 2006, 01:56:25 PM

Quote from: Aiyno Wolf on July 23, 2006, 01:55:02 PM

Quote from: Xze-Xze on July 23, 2006, 01:53:12 PM

Quote from: Aiyno Wolf on July 23, 2006, 01:51:57 PM
quite bloody  :mowdizzy

is that a good thing?

depends if your german, germans want the blood to be green.  :mowsmile

uh..i'm german-russian-mexican-japanese-nativeamerican-french and irish

Quite a combination. :mowdizzy I think the blood needs to be bloody red. Zombies get the green stuff  :mowwink

>w< don't Zombies have purple bloood?

they should have dark red/black blood.. considering it all should have clotted..

Anyway.. Your story shows potential, but your writing style could use some work, some things like saying "says" a bit too much, try using other words like shouts, moans, mumbles, screeches, and so on, or even leave that bit out.. But that will come with practice i guess...
And if its your very first story then this is very good work!

yeah, i notice that myself, but when i'm writing it i can never seem to come up with an alternative word XD

Where do everyone else come  in?

Quote from: Huggable Kio on July 23, 2006, 06:04:02 PM
Where do everyone else come  in?

This basically kinda trying to tell -Why- Xze's a pirate. everyone else starts coming in next chapter.

okay cool

Most word processing software has a thesaurus function. If you're stuck for a word put in something almost right then use the thesaurus to see if it will give you something that fits better. That is what I do.

all i have is wordpad..and i don't think it even has spellcheck!

Check this out: http://thesaurus.reference.com/ And http://dictionary.reference.com/
I use these all the time, very usefull!

I would also sugest useing wikipidia to reserch information on the stuff you write about, a better understanding of whatever you are writing about allways helps :P
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

Aye..i'll do that...

When you get to your first college writing class you'll discover that every story gets written at least three times (teacher review, peer review, final version) so you're doing excellent for first draft. (At least we're a nice peer group, I had a b**** in mine who always said nasty things to make people feel stupid).

pretty good writing there, Xze. The only thing I would say is that you seem to be overloading on the voilence and gore front, seemingly putting it in the level of detail just for the sake of it. Other than that, good work.

Quote from: Gareeku on July 24, 2006, 07:20:02 PM
pretty good writing there, Xze. The only thing I would say is that you seem to be overloading on the voilence and gore front, seemingly putting it in the level of detail just for the sake of it. Other than that, good work.

'A' i know... >w< i pwomise to cut down teh next chapter...

Such a lovely night. Great learning experience to discover one's own abilities. Little Xze can be just as freaky as what she sees.

And since you typed to inform about possible errors, here be the ones I found:

QuoteThe only one left is xzeliea's Father's friend,

Xzeliea's

Quote"Let 'er. she should learn" He says.

She should learn," he

Quote"Starboard is right!" she sya porudly.

says proudly

QuoteShe taught mw the proper way to catch fish,

me

Quote"Now...wehere was i...Ah, yes.

where

Quotehugging his daughter toghtly.

tightly

Quotequietly. when there is no answer,

When

Quotefloor. she walks up the

She

Quoteto say. xzeliea walks over

Xzeliea
[b]"there's[/b]...no...no chance, Xzel...""There's

Quoteher cickle claws tearing at his abdomen,

sickle
Also, if it matters, the "i" as a word is never capitalized.

QuoteTobias manages a slight chuckle before wincing in extreme pain. "there's...no...no chance, Xzel..." He says. "Just...promise...promise me...promise me that you will...never give up...and follow...follow your dreams..." he says.

In places like the one aboce, you could leave out the second "he says"

Dankies =3

That's the first story you've done? That's great for your first one! Of course as pointed out, there is room for improvement. Giving detail is good, but too much detracts from the story.

ok so...lower the details about certain things?

If i wanna describe a character, however, should i do it the way i've been doing?

That's actually what stuck out to me the most is the mass amount of character detail. I've give a breif description of the more easilly appearent things that most people would notice at a first glance.

hmmm....so...gimme an example? XDDD

Quote from: Xze-Xze on July 22, 2006, 01:17:07 PM
Her muzzle is wolf-like, but her ears are that of a fox. From her back sprout small black and red dragon wings, and she has an extremely long and fluffy cat-like tail.. Her feet are like her father's, but the sickle claw is slightly larger than it is supposed to be. Her black Fur shines and the purple markings, two stripes on each side her face, a stripe down the middle of her tail, and a crescent-moon marking over her left eyes, glow slightly. Her right eye is golden with a slitted pupil, but the left is light blue with no pupil at all. Like her Father, her hair is black, but instead of blue at the tips, red trickles down from the top. Both father and daughter wear brown ragged trousers and white shirts.

It's apparent that Xze is no ordinary creature, but a hybrid of many forms. Red dragon wings sprout from the figure with a wolf's head, fox ears, and her striped fluffy feline tail. The purple striped markings on her face and red tips of her hair are accented against her black fur and hair. Xze's eye of gold and eye of light blue gaze through the ship as both she and her father roam the ship, each dressed in matching work clothes of brown trousers and white shirts.

It's pretty hard to cut it down with such a unique character, but I cut it down to about 2/3 and had some roaming already going on. If you want to specify the details more, you can do it further in the story.

(Ex:) As the pirate looked into Xze's eyes, he was unnerved when he noticed that despite her having different coloured eyed that her gold eye had a slitted pupil and her blue one had none at all.

oh!! i get it!!

Next chapter WILL be up this weekend or may i be forced to draw pr0n for a random forumite X3

Ewwww....

<<
>>
Mwhahahaha

Was....it....you?  Or was it that Clinton Guy?

Quote from: Paladin Sheppard on August 18, 2006, 01:01:55 AM
<<
>>
Mwhahahaha

don't even think about it XP

hokay guys. i didn't get the story up.

Come and request pr0n from me TT~TT

this is all i have..:


   Nathan Shivers in the small, wet cave. Being stuck on an island of Amazons was not the paradise he had imagined. His grey-brown hair is sopping wet, as is his fur, the brown almost indistinguishable from the black patches. As the wolf adjusts his blue coat, a head appears in the entrance.

   "Found 'im!!" A female's voice shrieks. Nathan's neck fur rises, but he barrels out of the cave, drawing his pistol and blowing the head off of the scantily-clad female Coyote.

   Running onto the beach, Nathan chances a look back and sees a group of scantily-clad females, led by a white dragoness, her face smeared with fresh blood. Nathan runs faster.

   Soon, he spots a large ship, at least a 20-gunner, beached because of the low tide, getting ready to set sail as soon as the tide rises. A cry of triumph rises in his throat, but dies down as he notices the flag; a Jolly Roger. he turns and looks at the Amazons again, then back at the ship. Between Being forced into a lifetime of work, punishment, beatings and Pirates...He'd take the pirates.

   He runs faster and hurries to scramble up the side of the ship, but once again looks down and sees the Dragoness spread her wings. as he prepares to to concede defeat, the Dragoness is knocked down following a gunshot. He looks up and spots a grey wolfess, her long curly dark brown hair tied up with a light green ribbon.

   "Hurry you Fool!!" she yells, firing her pistol again. Nathan nods and scrambles frantically up the ship, jumping over the rails and collapsing onto the deck. The grey wolf picks him up and shoves him into the arms of a black and silver fox with Blue hair. The fox smiles at him as the Grey wolf keeps shooting at the amazons. "Vincent!! Ammo!" The female shouts. the Fox, Vincent, Promptly drops Nathan and runs towards the female as a voice rings out "At least 'wenty more comin', Artemesia!".

   Nathan looks up and sees a short fox holding up his brown mop of hair to look at the grey female with blue eyes.As he stares, someone knocks him to the ground. "Watch it!" Nathan snarls, but regrets it as a light grey Hyena snarls in his face "I WAS watching it, i wasn't watching you!" he hisses, his grey fur standing on end. he rushes away again after speaking to Vincent, who scowls and looks at Nathan worriedly. About to Ask what was going on, Nathan's shoulder is gripped by Artemesia.

   "Better Hide, Mate." she says sternly just before she shoves him behind a

I'll finish it this week, but i am now yer pr0n slave for now, since thats what i promised TT~TT

Awww...I ODN'T WANT PR0N I WANT STORY!

>_>

<_<

*requests porn*

Looking good so far, Xze.

Mwahahaha. Action/violence given in a nice way. And that cliffhager, mid-sentance. It doesn't get any better than that.

Here's an attempt to correct typos and stuff, hopefully this time there won't be too many of my own:

QuoteDragoness spread her wings.as he prepares to to concede defeat,

As

QuoteThe female shouts. the Fox, Vincent,

The

Quotea voice rings out "At least 'wenty

out, "At

Quoteblue eyes.As he stares,

eyes. As

Quotesnarls in his face "I WAS watching it,

face, "I WAS

Quote"Better Hide, Mate." she says sternly

hide, mate."
:januscat

I like it so far! ^-^ Aside from a few grammar errors, which lysander pointed out, it's pretty good.

Quote from: Gareeku on August 21, 2006, 11:44:50 AM
>_>

<_<

*requests porn*

Looking good so far, Xze.

lol, message me n we'll talk business ^^;;

*grins evilly* excellent...

Very nice Xze. But killing that white dragon scared my character into hiding.

<Yells towards the bed where the tip of a white dragon tail is just showing, "Will you come out from under there. Xze didn't kill you.">

Quote from: Mel Dragonkitty on August 23, 2006, 03:44:19 PM
Very nice Xze. But killing that white dragon scared my character into hiding.

<Yells towards the bed where the tip of a white dragon tail is just showing, "Will you come out from under there. Xze didn't kill you.">

didn't say she died :mowtongue

Nice ^.^

The mixed-breed smiles at the unexpected poll results. surely now there would be a reason for her to draw questionable images in her art class?And even now, she visualizes the expression on her teacher's face...

:mwaha