[Fanfic] {DMFA} 1000 Choices 1000 Paths

[justacritic]

Hello I'm Justacritic and here I am trying to write a fanfic using the DMFA universe and characters belonging to Amber Williams  except for the three characters I've made. So here enjoy and please if you would inform me if I'm being true to the canon characters, if my characters are being more than flat characters, and any other general comment you would believe would be helpful. For those who are interested this takes place shortly around DMFA comic #542 And with anticipation I give you a mostly PG rated fic 1000 Choices 1000 Paths

Entry One

             "Unit Sceadu, I repeat the packages have left the building." The Bengal Vixen watched the retreating group of rescuers lead by the Purple Fae Kitty. "I repeat, the packages have left the building." The mini-microphone's switch flicked in case it was in the off position.
   "We heard you the first time Unit Crepu." A rather husky female voice blasted into the vixen's earpiece, nearly knocking her off of position on a treetop.
   "Please be careful Unit Furor, you almost shocked Unit Crepu out of the tree." A voice sounding as if unused to talking came through the earpiece. "So shall we begin?" The voice continued.
   Out of the treetops jumped down a serious group made of a Cat, Tigress and the Bengal Vixen. "So guys, can we stop using those code names now?" The Bengal Fox took off her headset "I can't pronounce them all that well."
   "Fine Felicity but if anything goes wrong we're blaming you." The tigress said "That goes to you too Casper." Pointing towards the cat staring at the Lost Lake Inn,
   "So Ramia are we going to start this mission or stand here arguing and wasting time?" Casper asked as he stashed away his headset as well.
   "Fine let's go you two." Ramia stalked over to the door of the Lost Lake Inn followed by Casper and Felicity.
   There were only two people in the Inn, the barkeep a blonde feline dressed in blue talking to a brown furred and green haired man with bat-like wings and spaded tail. So that's a dragon Ramia thought to herself
   "Hello welcome to the Lost Lake Inn! I'm Alexsi have a seat and I'll take your order." The three took a table near the bar and Alexsi asked what they would like to drink while taking in her newest costumers. The Bengal fox was dressed in scantily skimpy clothes with a tight miniskirt but they were durable scuffed with numerous scratches with twin black and white daggers strapped to her waist, she ordered a milkshake.
     The tigress had well taken care of heavy leather crop top and pants and of course what would leather clothing be without buckles? A tough heavy iron sword lay next to her seat and without hesitation she called for some ale.  
       The last member of their group was wearing a light blue T-shirt with shorts. He had tied a short cape around his waist and had comfortable looking shin high boots on but no weaponry that Alexsi could see. He only requested some green tea.
       Alexsi smiled as hostesses do and went back to the bar to make their orders. She kept up the conversation with the man sitting on the barstool and tried not to think about the invitation he just asked her out for. Meanwhile the man, Pyroduck as he was called looked back at the group sitting behind him. They had the appearance of adventurers but there was something off, they didn't start bragging about their exploits, their next job or the general coarse joking around of adventurers. In fact Pyroduck thought they had the appearance of those who wanted to stay in the background as long as possible.
"I hope they come back soon, I need Merlitz to help show some reporters around the Inn." Alexsi said. Pyroduck turned back to the feline and asked for what reason. "Advertising, bad enough I got freeloaders living here."
"But aren't you going to busy enough already?" Pyroduck smiled at her.
"About that, I'm not sure if I can go out anytime soon I don't seem to have enough help these days..." Alexsi spotted her other male costumer standing up.
He looked hesitant and then went on in a voice that seemed unused to speaking to other people. "You...'ve said that you don't have enough help? I'm quite a cook."
"Sure you are" Alexsi waved "but I don't have the cash to hire on full time workers." Casper answered back with a wage suggestion that was jaw dropping "That low? Are you sure you want to stay with that kind of wage?" Casper nodded and replied that money wasn't the object but the chance to have a job was. "Well let's see how good you are in the kitchen first." Alexsi turned to walk into the kitchen signaling Casper to follow her.
Pyroduck watched as the two went into the kitchen, with Alexsi gone from the counter it was up to him to make sure that the other two didn't get up to anything. The dragon just did what he did best, observe. The two were drinking their orders that Alexsi had brought them. "So you're adventurers?" he asked.
"Of a sort" the tigress answered back.
"So you're here to look for a job? Pretty hard considering this area's relatively peaceful." Pyroduck said. The tigress only smiled and replied that surprises can and will often happen.
Meanwhile in the Kitchen
Alexsi turned around and asked the feline for his name.
"My name? Casper, Miss Alexsi."
         "Right Casper, show me what you can do" Alexsi folded her arms and just waited.
           Casper looked at the pantry and cooking implements. "Very well since this is an inn and tavern for tourists because of the lake and adventurers since this seems to be an excellent gathering place so you'll need something that you can make large amounts of and can be allowed to cook all day." Casper went and looked through the supplies. "Soup's usually a good option it's usually quick, easy and loads of it can simmer for hours." He took out cabbages and slabs of beef, after washing them he began to utterly devastate the beef. Cooking the beef afterward Casper chopped cabbage, drained beans and boiled water. In the end he threw all these things to cook in a enormous soup pot. "This usually needs to cook for about eight hours so you could prepare this before you go to sleep at night and in the morning you'll have something that can linger on the stove nearly all day."
Alexsi nodded and cracked her knuckles "Well I know what's for dinner tonight but let's see how you handle short orders."
Afterwards
          Casper came out of the kitchen exhausted and covered in various sauces and stains. "Well you've made the cut I guess you're hired. Just fill out that résumé and we'll talk about your schedule." Alexsi said. Ramia and Felicity stood up and paid the bill.
     "We'll be going now as well." Casper told Alexsi that he'll be back first thing in the morning with the paperwork filled out.
"So" Pyroduck said "how did it go?"
      "You saw that I hired him, with reporters coming how couldn't I resist such cheap help? Besides if that interview goes well I think I might be able to start up the night shift again."
       "Aren't you worried? Help that cheap usually comes with strings attached." Pyroduck said.
        "I wouldn't worry too much, that kid takes pride in food so much he wouldn't do anything to it. As for anything else I showed him exactly what would happen if he crossed me." Alexsi said.
Outside
       Casper let out a shiver "They were right Miss Alexsi really is one of the top ten things you should never trouble."
           Felicity let out a smile "But you got in anyway right? Objective accomplished!"
         Ramia cut in "Don't be so happy this was just a minor accomplishment, save your joy when we actually accomplish something." Casper just walked past them and said he was going home to take a bath and to fill out this paper work. "We'll be going to the mall then." Ramia said. Casper shrugged and continued walking.
       Felicity turned to Ramia "After all this time we can finally go to the mall!"
Felicity squealed as she jumped up and down. "What are we waiting for let's go!" Ramia ran towards the direction of the city followed by her vixen friend.

Entry One End

[VAE]

So, someone just infiltrated Alexsi's guesthouse/pub?
Sounds like the beginning of a potentially interesting story.

One quite big remark about style/grammar ,though. Am not native english so do take it with reserve.

The Bengal fox was dressed in scantily skimpy clothes with a tight miniskirt but they were durable scuffed with numerous scratches with twin black and white daggers strapped to her waist, she ordered a milkshake.

      The tigress had well taken care of heavy leather crop top and pants and of course what would leather clothing be without buckles? A tough heavy iron sword lay next to her seat and without hesitation she called for some ale. 

I can totally see the thought pattern behind  some of the sentences, and i often do something very similar (stringing too many subsentences with loads of parentheses when i'm explaining something) but in the form it is now, it is really painful to read at least for me, when reading quickly.

It'd be far better to say, IMHO, that the tigress called for some ale, and then describe her clothing and her sword with separate sentence. Same the tack-on thing with the bengal fox ordering milkshake.
Once again, i am very much not a writer, nor am i very concerned about form of writing,  but at least for me,  this really cuts down on reading speed, and if it wasn't just a short bit of text, i'd probably have abandoned  the fic after encountering lots of these.

Hope this helps.

[LionkingCMSL]

So, someone just infiltrated Alexsi's guesthouse/pub?
Sounds like the beginning of a potentially interesting story.

One quite big remark about style/grammar ,though. Am not native english so do take it with reserve.

The Bengal fox was dressed in scantily skimpy clothes with a tight miniskirt but they were durable scuffed with numerous scratches with twin black and white daggers strapped to her waist, she ordered a milkshake.

      The tigress had well taken care of heavy leather crop top and pants and of course what would leather clothing be without buckles? A tough heavy iron sword lay next to her seat and without hesitation she called for some ale. 

I can totally see the thought pattern behind  some of the sentences, and i often do something very similar (stringing too many subsentences with loads of parentheses when i'm explaining something) but in the form it is now, it is really painful to read at least for me, when reading quickly.

It'd be far better to say, IMHO, that the tigress called for some ale, and then describe her clothing and her sword with separate sentence. Same the tack-on thing with the bengal fox ordering milkshake.
Once again, i am very much not a writer, nor am i very concerned about form of writing,  but at least for me,  this really cuts down on reading speed, and if it wasn't just a short bit of text, i'd probably have abandoned  the fic after encountering lots of these.

Hope this helps.

I have to agree with Vae; those two sentences are clumsy and awkward. I can't think, right now, of to re-word them though. Sometimes it is better to leave off complete descriptions and introduce things in pieces.

Here is what I mean:

The scantily clad dressed Bengal Fox, adjusted her scuffed tight miniskirt as she ordered a milkshake.

Then later you can go into more detail of what was worn.

Otherwise a good read.

[WhiteFox]

...the DMFA universe and characters belonging to Amber Panyko...

Just so you know, that should be Amber Williams.

[justacritic]

...the DMFA universe and characters belonging to Amber Panyko...

Just so you know, that should be Amber Williams.

Thanks I forgot she changed her name

[justacritic]

And so the fic continues, the usual disclaimer ALL HAIL Amber Williams creator of DMFA
Comment if you could if helps

Entry Two

     Ramia and Felicity stared in awe; here was a wonder of Being and Creature achievement, the shopping mall. Felicity started to dive right in but Ramia quickly slammed her hand down on the vixen's shoulder.   
       "Wait just one second there, business first then you can go splurge on whatever catches your fancy." Ramia quickly glanced over the mall map and found the booth she was looking for. The tigress quickly dragged Felicity past all the varying shops and stopped in front of a large pit. What filled this pit were yarn balls, of all varying colors, fibers, and textures. There was a red gryphoness sitting near a giant sign with prices for varying times.
        "Hello there, right now I'm doing a special deal, 15 minutes for 5 bucks!" The gryphon was looking as content as a lawyer who was just in a collision and all the evidence points to the other party.
        Ramia just waved her hand "We would like to talk to you about investing in your business." The gryphon blinked and began to stutter. "Come now you don't think that people haven't noticed all the customers coming? You don't believe that nobody has seen the large amounts of cash they stuff into your hands?" The gryphon looked sheepish but didn't deny anything that Ramia said. "Well if only one pit brings you this much money, think about how much more you could get if there were pits everywhere. You've seen how many felines roam the streets, kids, teens, adults, seniors, nobody can resist!"
         The gryphon was nodding and agreeing with Ramia, she did have quite a sizable amount of customers especially that winged man who always seemed to be wearing a red dress. She decided then and there to take Ramia's offer of investing, but first she asked what would the two want in return?
       "Just only .001% of the profits..." Ramia started.
       "And a fifty percent discount on all visits!" Felicity chimed in. Both the tiger and gryphon looked at Felicity.
         "Why not?" the gryphoness"It'll depend on how much money you'll give me anyway."
Ramia placed a hand on the gryphoness' "Now let's talk business."
One Investment Transaction Later
        "Fel, why did you ask for a 50% discount?" Ramia looked at the fox.
     "Ramia, you know I don't like to be called that!" Felicity looked into a shop window displaying candy. "I just want to see how Casper will react"
          "Quit your whining, and no we are not getting anything now, besides it'll just be a waste of money. Ramia walked off, deliberately hiding a rather shiny steel sword and 5% off too no less!
          Both girls exited the mall passing by a scaffold; Ramia suddenly hurled a scabbard up into the scaffold. The shaking it caused by the scabbard made a certain can of a vibrant hued paint wobble away from its fellows, dangerously near the edge. "Well that looks like an accident waiting to happen" Felicity said.
         "Yeah, it's mean spirited and cruel but it needs to be done" Ramia said.
One Walk Later
     "Casper, you in?" Felicity closed the door to the small apartment the three rented. Camping in the woods, though cost-effective, wasn't the most secure path considering the amount of equipment they possessed.
       "I'm in the kitchen; I trust everything went well on your end?" Casper walked in carrying the now finished résumé.
       "Well enough" Ramia dragged out a laptop and turned it on "Now we'll see if he still has those lab assistant positions open, if not we'll just have to be ordinary researchers."
Casper turned to some file cabinets "I think we can use some of our old research papers, we can't have anybody suspect us when we've just started."
      "I don't know about you kids but I'm going to take a nap, wake me if it's important." Felicity yawned, and though she didn't want to admit it she could hear the sounds of flicking and clicking all through the night.

Entry Two End

[justacritic]

A new chapter in the world of Amber Williams things go boom in one way or another
Please inform me of any errors or badly written parts that hinder your understanding
Thank you and enjoy

Entry Three

   The sounds of flicking and clicking finally ceased, Felicity woke up "Yeesh, morning already?" The fox only Ramia and she was packing up some files. "Hey where did Casper go?"
"He went to submit his paperwork, and we have work to do too" Ramia hoisted a sizable backpack. "Come on let's get going, I'd like to be finished scouting out Zinvth before evening."
Meanwhile at Lost Lake
"Ms. Alexsi, I've come with the résumé." Casper walked into a scene of utter chaos. Alexsi was threatening a spotted cat with a mallet and telling him in no uncertain terms exactly all the places she could shove it up in, detailing all the gory details involving ruptured muscles and the various amounts of organs being scattered. Casper's vision became blurry, the shapes in his vision losing definition. Why is the room spinning? He leaned against a table and waited until the world made sense again. When the world righted itself, he could see that the spotted cat had left. "Ms. Alexsi I've brought the résumé you've wanted."
Alexsi took the papers from his hands and scanned quickly through it. It's not the worst résumé I've ever seen but cheap help is cheap so I'll take anything that comes my way. Alexsi took a list out of her pocket and handed it to Casper along with some cash. "Well you're hired, here buy the supplies and keep the receipts and if you try to cheat me." She only gestured to her hammer. Casper politely took his leave to do what the boss ordered. Alexsi sighed and turned back towards the bar. "Time to get ready for those reporters..."   
At This Moment near the City of Zinvth
"Zinvth , the demon city, home to beings and creatures alike, expensive but safe." Ramia took her eyes away from the binoculars. "But that all changed when..." The tigress took a deep breath, even here even now the memory of this place still hurt.
"Ramia, I've gotten the lid off." Felicity finished picking the lock off the disguised hatch. Any city with a long enough history eventually had the secret passageways and long forgotten tunnels. Unfortunately for the residents, there wasn't as much security detail around them.  Nobody knew of them so why patrol there? The security was going to get a nasty wakeup call though.
"Ramia, you go set them up the bomb, I mean bombs" Felicity took out a card, on it were orb shaped nodes, one of which was slightly glowing. She slid the glow to another node. Ramia turned away and began setting up some explosives. Why didn't we ever get rid of that stupid transformation glow?
          Felicity turned as her body glowed, her clothes broke away from the bottom to the top revealing an armored jumpsuit. Goggles spontaneously appeared on the fox's forehead. A rift of flame suddenly appeared in the air and Felicity jumped out, rolling on the floor wielding a rather large hand cannon. "When there's something strange in the neighborhood who you're gonna call?"
          Ramia hit Felicity's head with the flat of her blade. "Shut up, and set these off." The warrior climbed out quickly and waited and she heard a bang, which started off an avalanche of resounding explosions.
            Felicity came running with a wide eyed expression frantically waving to Ramia "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" The fox ran past and slammed the hatch shut. Still both could feel the magical energy radiate from behind the barrier. "Well that should get their attention."
       "It's more likely that their council will only bog itself down with arguing about doing something." Ramia said as both women began to move away from the area.
            "But still, they'll keep those entrances in mind when it really matters." Felicity took out a chocolate bar while running and began to chomp down on it. Ramia looked sadly at the vixen while they fled. "Don't deny me the chance to delude myself, Ramia. We still have something to take care of this afternoon."
At the Mall
"Now that was enjoyable." Casper smiled a little as he straightened his clothes. He had just spent a few enjoyable minutes in the ball pit. He allowed himself a small smile, even with all the troubles that needed to be solved flying around in the air, they nearly paled in comparison to a good ball of yarn. The pit had now snagged a repeat customer but I won't ever let the girls catch me at it. The cat picked up the day's shopping and started to head back to the inn.
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 
          Casper turned "That sounded like..." The cat quickly walked towards the sound of the sound, just in time to see two cats, one an incubi and the other the spotted cat seen earlier that day walk away arguing and a mythos taur following them. Casper looked down and saw a small green-bluish bag. "Isn't this...?" The being picked it up and looked inside. There was a blue bear doll, the ones made for small newborns that played soft lullaby tunes. The cat looked back in the direction of the retreating arguing group and sighed "Still as single-minded as ever." He added the bag to his load of purchases. "Even if I return this to Jyrras, he'll probably forget where he put it while he's doing one of those projects of his, I'll give it back to him when he really needs it." Casper then paused and looked back at the bear. "Wait if this was brought today..." He then ran as fast as he could to the inn, Alexsi needed her supplies as soon as possible if she wanted to complete her preparations on time and Casper wasn't going to let himself get in the way.

Entry Three End

[justacritic]

I had a bit of writer's block but I managed to forge on with the next entry
Amber thanks for making a wonderful world for people like me to play in.
If you see anything, errors, odd areas, or anything I could possibly do better please tell me and now

Entry Four

"Well, you're back" Alexsi was in the middle of waxing the floor; she was wearing something like snow-shoes on her feet. "You've better put these on your feet unless you want to slip and waste all that money that I gave you."
       Casper put the contraptions on and asked where he should put the items he bought. Alexsi gave her instructions, place centerpieces on the bar tables, put mints on the bed pillows, and sprinkle potpourri around the bathrooms. Casper went to do everything Alexsi ordered him to do. How nice, somebody who doesn't argue or say "I'm not paid to do that", I could get used to this!
Returning from Zinvth
"So what's next on our list?" Felicity dodged branches and vines. There was a risk in taking the paved paths. The Demons might track the duo, and while the two did their best not to leave any evidence behind, there was always the small possibility that something went wrong.
   "I wanted to scout out and distract the city of Zinvth early so we could focus on making sure we don't miss our chance to make sure everything falls into place." Ramia jumped over a fallen log. "We only have one shot at anything and we can't directly interfere or else it'll all be erased..."
"Hey if it all goes pear shaped, we won't be around to see it." Felicity sliced apart some vines in their path.
"Don't mention that around Casper, you'll get him angry again." Ramia stopped as they reached the city where they lived. "Now let's prepare for tomorrow.
Back at the Lost Lake Inn
"Done, I'll be back tomorrow, Ms. Alexsi" Casper collected himself as he went out the door.
"Just remember Casper, since I'm going to be showing reporters around I just need you to cook all day." Alexsi wiped her hands with the white table cloth she kept around her.
Casper started back home and he suddenly had a thought I hope I'm going to be let in tomorrow for work, it seems Ms. Alexsi will be very busy.
The Next Day
      "Hello Ms. Alexsi I'm here... is something wrong?" Casper saw that his boss was slightly nervous and there seemed to something off, was it the eyes?
     "Oh you're that cook sis, I mean I hired right?" Alexsi pointed at Casper. "This really isn't a good time right now."
     "You're showing reporters around right? I'll just be in the kitchen as you've told me yesterday." Casper walked straight to the kitchen before Alexsi could say another word. Inside he took out giant slabs of beef and began to pound them mercilessly. With twin sticks of compact oak he smashed meat again and again; appearing as some grotesque parody of a drummer pounding one of those large Japanese drums.    Good dumplings require good tenderized meat and if you want something done right one should do it yourself.
       He was just finishing up putting the wrapped dumplings into a large pot of chicken broth when he just heard arguing from the bar. Casper peeked out the door and saw a brown feline with yellow stripes speaking to a ragtag adventurer group. The conversation floated into Casper's ears and he found out the adventurers were looking into reports of cubi in the area. This is so troublesome Casper went back to the dumpling pot and set the heat to a low simmer. "Well I'm done here so I might as well take care of the recyclables while I'm at it."
        He went outside and took out a card and shifted a glow from one node on it to another.
The card vanished and Casper took out from his hip a strange device, it was a weapon and one that was dangerous to both the target and wielder. Casper never liked using it and so moving it above his head; he had no regrets letting it drop. The weapon slowly fell and flashed and coming together piece by piece, a blue pointed hat, a trench coat of the same hue with comfortable clothing underneath and to finish sensible shoes that were a soft brown. From the sky fell a staff and the top was crowned by a triple pair of wings and in the middle of that arrangement was an amorphous grey symbol, shifting form every now and then as if undecided what was going to mean. Casper burst out of rain of ice swinging the staff around and sighed "Time to be a manipulative little witch, wait I'm a guy so the proper term should be magus I think?" Casper swung the staff on his shoulder and hummed as he walked.

Entry Four End

[justacritic]

Next Chapter, I broke the block lol

Entry Five

   "Let's see let's see ah here we go "Distraction" Casper shut his spell book and swung his staff at the adventuring group and then they went on about how some guy named Merlitz was "hitting on that kitten" probably Mrs. Alexsi they were referring to. Distraction is an excellent spell, it causes the minds of the targets to focus of trivial things so they don't notice the important things such as the sword hurling towards their gut. The group went away with one of their number extremely discontent with the state of affairs. "Mission Accomplished!" Casper said and he turned back to the direct of the Inn and stopped in his tracks when he spotted a certain kangaroo rat walking out of the inn. "Drat, and they're not back yet." He cursed.
"You called?" Felicity swung down in front of the cat. She bounced on her heels and Ramia landed next to her causing the ground to dent.
"Excellent we made it in time" Ramia watched Jyrras stalk off. "So we have a few hours to prepare. We need to make sure that idiot finds Jyrras in time."
"Ramia" Felicity winced "should you really call the doctor that?"
"It doesn't matter, he doesn't know us and we don't know him, got it?" Ramia swung her sword around and hoisted it on her shoulder. "Now Casper, follow Jyrras and report on where he stops, we'll make sure Danny-boy get where he needs to go."
Casper looked back at them for a moment as he turned to go but he went to do as Ramia said. Felicity sat down and waited for Dan to walk out all while eating the candy she had.
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Casper walked through the forest guided by a light that only he could see. It was a tracking spell and the target was close by. He walked a bit further into the forest until he spotted the kangaroo rat he was searching for, sitting alone on a park bench. The cat snuffed out the spell and sent the message to Ramia and Felicity where Jyrras was.
Casper leaned against a tree and reluctantly cast the spell Apathy on the bench. As long as the spell held anybody who sat upon the seat wouldn't care about much of anything, even moving. His part done for now, Casper stared into space and said softly "We're crazy and we're kooky, more problems than you can see, so happy that you've joined us, the angst family..."
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Several Hours Later
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dan came out of the Lost Lake Inn and after a few steps face palmed. He couldn't think of where Jyrras would have run off to. "Stupid, stupid I don't even know where he could have run off to" A sudden rustling off to his side caught his attention "Jyrras, is that you?" Dan chased after the sound and to his surprise the sounds of something moving ahead of him in the forest, faster than he was moving. When did Jyrras get so fast? Oh wait constant sister avoiding... The chase was difficult and Dan was afraid at times that he'll lose the trail. However years of adventurer instincts guided him through until finally he spotted what he was looking for. His friend sitting all alone while the sun began to set. Okay I can do this... Dan thought and went to have what could be the most difficult conversation of his life. He just hoped the sun setting wasn't a bad sign.
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   "But I Wanna listen!" Felicity squealed as she was dragged away by Ramia.
   Casper shook his head "After everything's said and done, it's still their life, we can help give them opportunities and options but we can't directly force them into any action or else what we've done will be completely useless."
   "And that's why I'm going to be the one attempting to land a job as a lab assistant because I'm the only one who has enough restraint not to blow our cover." Ramia shook the Bengal Fox in her grip.
   "Come to think of it, when are you going to get started on that?" said Felicity.
   "Tomorrow" answered Ramia "Jyrras will be look for any excuse to avoid confronting Lorenda..." 

Entry Five End

[Ignuus66]

Bravo! 
hope you continue the story, it's gotten interesting!