[Art/Writing] Jairus: Merry Christmas

[Jairus]

Okay, to make up for the shittiness of my last two "parodies," I present this. Originally this was going to be a straight parody of Monty Python's Spamalot's "You Won't Succeed on Broadway (If you don't have any Jews)," (sorry, all I could find was an AMV of it) but it grew a bit longer than that. This is based off of the "What makes a comic great" arc of DMFA, and concerns Fluffly explaining to Amber the different things on the list. Yes, it was Amber who got it into her head to do this originally, and Fluffy tried to stop her, but it's funnier this way. Anyway, this was a nightmare, and I don't know if it perfectly works, and I've added half-a-dozen extra verses...

GOD:
Get on with it!

Right! Um... here we go.

"You Won't Succeed In Comics"
aka
"Things Most Comics do in Order to Gain Ratings and Higher Reader Count"

AMBER:
Have you heard of these "Webcomics?"

FLUFFY:
Yes Amber... and we don't stand a chance there.

AMBER:
Why not?

FLUFFY:
Because...
Webcomics are a very special thing, done by very special people.
People who can joke and draw, often at the same time!
They are a different people, a multi-talented people,
A people who need people and who are, in many ways, the
Luckiest people in the world.
I'm sorry Amber, but we don't stand a chance.

AMBER:
But... why?

FLUFFY:
Well...let me put it like this.

In each webcomic venture,
If you don't want to lose,
Longevity depends on what characters you choose.
So, listen, Amber Williams, closely to this news:
You won't succeed in comics,
If you don't follow these rules.

You must spread your net out wide,
Have an audience worldwide.
Dress your characters in outfits that would ne'er be worn outside
It's fanservice, my dear,
That widens out your sphere,
Without it, you'll hear no cheers,
Just lots and lots of boos.

WEBCOMIC AUDIENCE:
Boo.

FLUFFY:
To attract a wider audience,
Make them raise a voice in protest!
Make a general statement of some foreign group,
Without any form of research in your head!
Sure, your audience will be mad,
But I tell you, we are dead,
If you don't follow these rules.

They won't care if you're witty,
They'll complain they're all so pretty:
To increase dramatic tension
Have a character up and die
In some tragic means from up on high:
It's a widely known convention.
The sorrow and the tears and the crying,
Even though your own logic you're defying,
And from the critics you'll earn a mention,

CRITIC:
You're doing great!

FLUFFY:
The audience won't care, miss,
As long as you don't dare, miss,
To start up your webcomic,
If you don't follow these rules!

A sprite comic is nice, miss
Since so many still exist,
It's a reference to great gaming history!
It really is quite simple,
And it's done by many people,
But why half just suck is a big mystery!

Another trick that's famous,
Though it is a bit amorous,
Is to have one character come out as a gay!
They never showed the tendecy?
To hell with continuity!
You'll triple all your numbers in a day!
As cliche as is possible,
In every way you're able:
You'll be current with the way things are today!

Then again there's gaming comics,
Which approach how they do flumox,
Ev'ry attempt to make all games fit real rules!
Talk of perfect ammunitions
And big giant freaking guns,
Or of how some peep's make weapons out of tools!
Sure it's done a thousand times,
And they suck a bit sometimes,
But to get a laugh just talk about the Jewels!

GAMING ENTHUSIAST:
Haha!

FLUFFY:
If you've long since been established,
And you've exhausted each old plot thread,
Then perhaps a brand new character's in line!
Sure they don't fit the dynamics,
But they bring a bag of new tricks,
And your comic will begin again to shine!

As Nintendo proved to us so well,
A mascot character casts a spell,
That makes the kiddies buy the toys galore!
In your comic's case, it's prob'ly best
To treat them like a special guest,
Just so long as they don't make your readers snore!

READER
*snore*

FLUFFY:
There of course is one last trick
To make all of your new fans stick,
And that's the subject here of shonen-ai.
Boy-boy love is a tricky thing,
But to pull it off gives extra zing:
To show a love so pure makes one to sigh!

SHONEN-AI FAN:
Ahhh...

FLUFFY:
But then again it's tricky,
And your readers may get picky
As they claim that you have jumped the shark!
Ignore complaints and other things,
As lovers fly on angel's wings
While you continue to write this story arc!

Now there's a very small percentile
Who will turn a bit hostile,
But I'm sad to be the one with this bad news!
Throw your plans out of the mix,
You just won't succeed in comics,
You just won't succeed in comics,
If you don't follow these rules!

AMBER:
Well, fanservice is not a problem,
And things from gener'lizations stem,
I've killed of Hannah and a few more,
Ma' Gianni's gonna get one kid more.
Sprite comics, maybe not
But Darkmoon has a shot.
And then Jyrras' eviction
Just defied normal prediction.
DDR's a game,
And Abel isn't lame,
Deathbringer's quite adorable,
And Wildy's book deplorable.
I've covered every one,
And I've had a lot of fun,
And I've not even begun,
And with this comic I'll now run!

FLUFFY:
You've handled it quite well,
Now if only we could tell
If you've planned it from the start
And just following some chart,
Or you've made it as you go,
Yes, that's one thing we must know!

AMBER:
That's a secret that I'll keep,
And you all will lose some sleep,
As you debate, hem and haw
While I just keep on and draw
Every wacky misadventure,
From Dan n' Mab's Furry Adventures!

People, can ya here me?

*joins in giant kick line with Fluffy and every other character in DMFA*
ALL:
To make your own Webcomic,
To make a famous comic,
To hit the top in comics and not lose,

FLUFFY:
I tell you, Amber dear,
One thing must be so clear...
There simply must be, simply must be rules!

There simply must be,
Amber trust me,
Simply must be rules.

... Holy hell, that was hard. Anyway, hope you liked it.

And a somewhat weird poem... really weird, actually.

A flower's bloom, so fragile
And so very beautiful.
Petals drop at winter's chill,
And stay so short a time.
To grow but one takes such skill,
But nature does it better.
And to breathe in deep while on a hill,
To fill one's mind with such smell,
To never stop such mem'ries until,
You must get on with your life.


God gods that is weird.
Where did I come up with that
Idea? Oh well.

[Jairus]

Well, this is from the Ban Game and I thought I might as well finish it. It is set to "Once in Every Show" from Monty Python's Spamalot, parodying love songs and the like.

"The Ban That Goes Like This"

Once in every thread
There comes a ban like this
It starts with who came first,
And sometimes has a list
Oh where is the ban
That goes like this?
Where is it, where, where?

An over-thought out ban,
That annoys everyone.
They'll think we made a plan
While we've been having fun,
For this is the ban that goes like this
Yes it is! Yes it is!

Now we can ban straight,
While we give false berates,
A game that is too fun for me!

I'll ban you to your face,
While in a banning race,
And then,
We change
The theme!

Now we ban again!
In a never ending chain!
But as everyone can see,
It's climbing by degrees!
For this is our ban that goes like this!

My banning's very proud!
You're banning far too loud!
That's the way that this ban goes!
You're banning on my toes!
Banning our ban that goes like this!

I can't believe there's more
It's far too long, I'm sure
That's the trouble with this ban
It goes on and on, goddamm!
For this is our theme that is too long!

We'll be banning this til dawn!
We'll wish that we weren't born!
Let's stop this damning theme!
Before we start to scream!
For this is our ban that ends like this!

Yay, another half-assed parody. Meanwhile, Pagan has laid down a challenge, so I'll have to see if I can do the parody he wants.

[Jairus]

This is just a quick post to say that I've made a few changes to the Roland and Rockon stats, based on a handful of recommendations and a little back-and-forth between me and Ren. Specifically, I've modified the arrangement and set-up of the weapons to make it actually possible to fit them all onto one powered armor. Hopefully these'll help make them make a bit more sense. I've also fixed some meter and word problems in a few songs, but you don't need to look for them: they're really small things that were just bothering me a little.

Anyway, to avoid wasting a post before I get to work on "Defying Sanity," the song between Aniz and Fa'Lina that Pagan has challenged me to do (it's based on "Defying Gravity" from Wicked)(at least, this is what I think I'll do for a Fa'Lina/Aniz song), here's some haiku!


They wrote the songs first:
That's why the dialogue is
So weird in Nightmare.

I am flinging a
Jawa through the room with the
Force. I love this game.

And now I have turned
A Stormtrooper into a
Lethal weapon. Whee.

Has anyone else
Read the Amanda books by
That author Wolo?

The reason I ask
Is that it's been years since I
Read them. I liked them.

How much wood would a
Woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
Could chuck wood? Who cares?

A tree is falling
And I am right in its way.
This will hurt. A lot.

Fire is pretty.
See it burn. Burn fire burn.
Burn those See Spot books.

A shining armor
Of blue and silver rises
From defeat's ashes.

The purpose of the
Game of baseball is to be
Safe at home. Carlin.

Plad Zedd: an offense
Against fashion and good taste.
Do it. Do it, Ren.

Why does the thought of
"Burning Mouse" fill me with dread?
I fear for my mind.

EDIT:
The cake is a lie.
That statement is true. So why
Are we so confused?

Leonidas and
Cake together is awesome.
They are not a lie.

Engineering: If
You can build it, then you can
Also pilot it.

EDIT 2: From the ban game...
Ren is banned because
He has unleashed Zombie-Cat.
We are all so screwed.

The mouse returns to
His home in the wall. I set
The ban trap, then snap!

The Ork takes pen to
Paper. He writes an Orkan
Poem. Moar Poem!

Me ban Gaulen wid
Much moar dakka.
Thiz is true wurd:
Never nuff dakka.

Ork make ban go faster.
Ban ren wit red dakka!
Fires tree times better!
Den me go to baker.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Finished yet?

[Jairus]

Finished yet?

With what?

[Jairus]

I have Brunhidden and Turnsky to thank for this flash of inspiration. In Turnsky's thread Turnsky's art 2.0 - Jackals of The Revolution..., Brunhidden made the following comment, which I responded to.

*ponders if keaton mechs or giant tanks in the shape of keatons face would be better*

Why have only one? This is Engineer Jairus reporting that the Mekeatons and the Keatanks shall be ready for the revolution!

Ladies and gentlemen, Furs and Humans, may I present for your consideration, the first concept drawings of the Revolution's mecha, the Mekeaton...

Mekeaton, concept sketch 1

The Mekeaton is a standard humanoid combat mecha, armed with a head mounted chain gun, one chest-mounted gatling gun, four sets of hypersonic folding dagger claws (not present in this drawing) mounted on the feet and hands, a hypersonic vibration katana, and an appropriately-sized machine gun. The stocky frame provides for excellent balance, while a pair of backpack-mounted rocket boosters (hidden in this concept sketch) allow for rapid movement on the battlefield. The unit is designed to work in tandem with the Keatank long-range support vehicle. Future upgrades will allow for the use of bazookas, missile launchers, sniper weapons, and other tools and sets of equipment suitable for the Revolution's purpose. It's colors shall be gold and black, and it's head shall be designed after the jackal, symbol of our leader.

...

Okay, shtick aside, this was just something I decided to sketch... and make a little practice out of it. Let's see where this takes us, shall we? Advice, comments, and constructive criticisms are always desired.

I'm still working on a few extra details for the Clockwork Town map: that shall be posted later, at which point I'll get some more recommendations for it, and then hopefully start inking it it. Now I just need someone who can help me color it when we get that far...

EDIT: Finished a sentence that got left unfinished.

[Ren Gaulen]

Nice one, Jay.

[Jairus]

Nice one, Jay.

Thanks. Any advice for drawing it?

In other news...

Okay, after a bit of work, here's a partially inked map of Clockwork Township. Full-view, please!

Clockwork Town, ink part 1

I've added a few extra details, and moved the names around a little bit, but so far I like it. Not at all bad for the third time I've inked something. Am continuing to work on it, just wanted to give a work-in-progress update for last-minute advice and such.

Okay, questions, comments, advice, constructive criticisms?

[Jairus]

Well, the IF contest is over, and my IF guessed me right (good job Jer-oh-me!)(actually, everyone guessed right, so good job everybody!), so I feel it's time to post my drawing.

Thrudgelmir Zankantou

This is a drawing of the Thrudgelmir's Zankantou, an original mecha from Super Robot Wars, specifically it's "Zankantou Inazuma Juuryoku Otoshi," the solid-bladed version. This was drawn using two pictures as a reference from this site: this one and this one, but mostly the second one. The sword was drawn on my normal paper, with a pencil and a ruler to help me get the scale right. The original drawing is twice as long and wide As the reference image I used (and boy was it a nightmare to measure the distances between each of the parts at that scale: ruler to the computer screen and measuring in fractions of an inch to get the scale right). As I finished each section, I inked it in with one of my normal pens (as opposed to the new pens I'm using on the map currently). When I was done, I erased the pencil marks and scanned it in. Unfortunately, the pen smeared a little when I was drawing it, but the smears are all in the same direction and vaguely look like "action lines," so it kind of works out.

So, anyway, this is actually the first drawing I ever inked. What do you think?

[VSMIT]

It's good, but I wonder if that smearing was intentional.

[Jairus]

It's good, but I wonder if that smearing was intentional.

No, it wasn't. And it really really bugs me. Oh well.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Out of interest, what's the difference between a chain gun and a gatling gun?

In your mind, I mean; I can always go and look up the actual differences...

[Ren Gaulen]

"I AM WODAN! WODAN YMIR! I AM THE SWORD OF MAGUS!!! AND THERE IS NO-ONE WHO CAN STAND AGAINST ME!!!"

[Sunblink]

Aaaugh! I can't believe I forgot to comment here. And I can't believe you actually drew the Mekeaton. That is awesome. XD

Fantastic concept work; I'd love to see it fleshed out in the future. I really envy anyone who can draw mechs well. Mechanical parts are a bitch to draw in detail.

Damn, now I'm seriously considering that Keaton-army thing. XD

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Damn, now I'm seriously considering that Keaton-army thing. XD

You mean you weren't before?

[Ren Gaulen]

Damn, now I'm seriously considering that Keaton-army thing. XD

You mean you weren't before?

She didn't know that she already had heavy armour before. Now we need naval and air forces, and Keaton will be ready to take over the world - to fill it with Cute!

[Mao]

Damn, now I'm seriously considering that Keaton-army thing. XD

You mean you weren't before?

She didn't know that she already had heavy armour before. Now we need naval and air forces, and Keaton will be ready to take over the world - to fill it with Cute!

What?  No infantry?  No Shock-troops?  No scouts?  No infiltration squads?  No secret police?  If you're going to have fancy meks as drawn here.. you're going to need these things as well.

I agree though, that Mek needs a Keaton type head.  Similar to the one she uses for her watermark/icon.

[Ren Gaulen]

What?  No infantry?  No Shock-troops?  No scouts?  No infiltration squads?  No secret police?  If you're going to have fancy meks as drawn here.. you're going to need these things as well.

Infantry and Shock-troops? I'll provide Panzerknechts as a heavy infantry choice, and there will be lots of "volunteers" to fill the cannon fodder light infantry position. Scouts and infiltration squads? We have people around to fill this position either. Secret police? Yours truly. We'll have everything we would need! We'll have medical specialists, demolition experts, artillerists, snipers, pilots, anything!

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

... no sysadmins, though.

[Ren Gaulen]

... no sysadmins, though.

...You can serve as a box of unlimited ammo..

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

I see.

Making full use of my abilities and training, I see.

[Tapewolf]

Making full use of my abilities and training, I see.

Well, someone has to fix the mechs when their OS crashes...

[VSMIT]

Unless the OS is Windows, in which case llearch will just do a reinstall with something more Unix based.

[Tapewolf]

Unless the OS is Windows, in which case llearch will just do a reinstall with something more Unix based.

IIRC the mechs in MechWarrior 2 ran BSD 11.3 or something.

[llearch n'n'daCorna]

Unless the OS is Windows, in which case llearch will just do a reinstall with something more Unix based.

... significantly more functional, brighter than the moron driving it, and apt to accidentally win the war.

Yes, I think I would. Your point? ;-]

[Jairus]

My my... so many replies... and half of the aren't really related to the subject of art. It's just like Ren's thread! I feel so at home here! Okay, let's answer your questions!

Out of interest, what's the difference between a chain gun and a gatling gun?

In your mind, I mean; I can always go and look up the actual differences...

Chain gun and gatling gun. Long answer short: chain guns have one barrel and are powered by electricity, while gatling guns have several barrels and are powered partially by the gas from the cartridge's firing. Miniguns are gatling guns with an external power source.

"I AM WODAN! WODAN YMIR! I AM THE SWORD OF MAGUS!!! AND THERE IS NO-ONE WHO CAN STAND AGAINST ME!!!"

I take it you approve?

Aaaugh! I can't believe I forgot to comment here. And I can't believe you actually drew the Mekeaton. That is awesome. XD

Fantastic concept work; I'd love to see it fleshed out in the future. I really envy anyone who can draw mechs well. Mechanical parts are a bitch to draw in detail.

Damn, now I'm seriously considering that Keaton-army thing. XD

Well, I'm glad that you liked it. I'll continue trying to flesh it out, since everyone seems to think that I finally got a basic design looking right. As for drawing mechs well... this is only my sixth mecha sketch, so I'm still practicing. And since mechanical parts are so difficult to draw, the Mekeaton is outfitted with heavy ablative and reactive armor to not only protect fragile systems but also make it easier to draw! The armor can be easily ejected for maintenance.

Damn, now I'm seriously considering that Keaton-army thing. XD

You mean you weren't before?

She didn't know that she already had heavy armour before. Now we need naval and air forces, and Keaton will be ready to take over the world - to fill it with Cute!

Yay! The revolution is on!

I agree though, that Mek needs a Keaton type head.  Similar to the one she uses for her watermark/icon.

... it does have one. It's just that it's a circle and two ears and a muzzle. Or are you agreeing with my design choice?

What?  No infantry?  No Shock-troops?  No scouts?  No infiltration squads?  No secret police?  If you're going to have fancy meks as drawn here.. you're going to need these things as well.

Infantry and Shock-troops? I'll provide Panzerknechts as a heavy infantry choice, and there will be lots of "volunteers" to fill the cannon fodder light infantry position. Scouts and infiltration squads? We have people around to fill this position either. Secret police? Yours truly. We'll have everything we would need! We'll have medical specialists, demolition experts, artillerists, snipers, pilots, anything!

The God Emperor supports the revolution! Okay, that was a little weird even for us. So, sounds like we're well on out way. Hey Ren, how hard would it be to do a Keaton-recoloring of a Panzerknecht?

Unless the OS is Windows, in which case llearch will just do a reinstall with something more Unix based.

... significantly more functional, brighter than the moron driving it, and apt to accidentally win the war.

Yes, I think I would. Your point? ;-]

Sounds great, Boxy! Then we can just put the morons on the battlefield to serve as cannon fodder light-infantry.


Okay, so far I've inked a little more in on the map, and am currently trying to figure out how to draw the gears for the compass in the upper corner. I'll try and work on Mekeaton today, and I'll post it when I get some progress on it.

[Ren Gaulen]

"I AM WODAN! WODAN YMIR! I AM THE SWORD OF MAGUS!!! AND THERE IS NO-ONE WHO CAN STAND AGAINST ME!!!"

I take it you approve?

I will let commander Taiga say it. "APPROOOOOVED!!!!!"

The God Emperor supports the revolution! Okay, that was a little weird even for us. So, sounds like we're well on out way. Hey Ren, how hard would it be to do a Keaton-recoloring of a Panzerknecht?

We serve the Emperor in all things! I'll just finish the Black Jackal PK. A bit later..

[Jairus]

"I AM WODAN! WODAN YMIR! I AM THE SWORD OF MAGUS!!! AND THERE IS NO-ONE WHO CAN STAND AGAINST ME!!!"

I take it you approve?

I will let commander Taiga say it. "APPROOOOOVED!!!!!"

I'm glad you liked it. Originally I was going to do Daigengar's Zankantou... but the handle... the handle just drove me nuts looking at it.

The God Emperor supports the revolution! Okay, that was a little weird even for us. So, sounds like we're well on out way. Hey Ren, how hard would it be to do a Keaton-recoloring of a Panzerknecht?

We serve the Emperor in all things! I'll just finish the Black Jackal PK. A bit later..

Cool, that works.


...
In other news...

Clockwork Town map inking, part 2!

Clockwork Town map

Eurgh... the scan isn't as good as I like, I'll have to work on that... somehow. The problem is that the sketchbook I use is marginally larger than my scanner. Oh well. Still working on it!

[Mao]

I agree though, that Mek needs a Keaton type head.  Similar to the one she uses for her watermark/icon.

... it does have one. It's just that it's a circle and two ears and a muzzle. Or are you agreeing with my design choice?

I honestly couldn't see it.  It didn't look like it to me at all.    Though if you're saying it has it, then yes, I completely agree with your design choice. 

[Jairus]

I agree though, that Mek needs a Keaton type head.  Similar to the one she uses for her watermark/icon.

... it does have one. It's just that it's a circle and two ears and a muzzle. Or are you agreeing with my design choice?

I honestly couldn't see it.  It didn't look like it to me at all.    Though if you're saying it has it, then yes, I completely agree with your design choice. 

It has it, it's just really really rough at this stage. We'll see how much better it looks when we get that far.